Marriage is over...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Marriage is over...
So we had our third marriage counseling session today. Pretty much from the beginning of it, husband told me he was done. Then we spent the rest of the hour talking about it. And by we, I mean he was giving some monologue to the therapist to try to seem "sincere" and 'caring' and I was just sitting there in a state of shock, not really knowing what to say. I do remember forcing myself to listen to him and all I could think is "HE SOUNDS SO FAKE. THIS IS ALL FAKE" he just wanted her to like him. To feel sorry for him. To get her to see HIS SIDE.
I mean---I guess I wasn't totally surprised. But I don't think you can prepare yourself for your spouse telling you that they give up, they're done.
What's going through my brain?
--He seems like a completely different person. I don't even know him anymore. Is it drugs? Alcohol? I don't know. We didn't even talk about that much, to be honest. When I brought up that he turns into a pumpkin around 6PM and runs and hides in his room--and I assume takes some sort of pills... he kind of rolled his eyes and looked at the therapist like "look what I deal with..."
--I'm angry. I'm basically the same person he met 12 years ago. I haven't done anything wrong. But he wants to leave ME?! I know it's not entirely rational--and the therapist spent a lot of effort talking through with me that it wasn't my fault. But right now I am still angry.
--I am scared about custody. The therapist brought it up briefly, and he seemed to be okay with the current situation (which is a-okay) with me. He doesn't want to use a lawyer. The therapist asked us to write down what we want and bring it next week.
--Grieving for the 'perfect life' dream that got shattered. I think I've been in the process of grieving this for the past few months, but it just got kicked into overdrive.
--A small part of me is relieved. Just for the simple fact of a movement forward. Forward towards what? I have no idea. But sitting in this same place forever wasn't an option.
Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head. Thanks for letting me get some of them down on 'paper'
Edit to add: He says he wants to be friends. He wants to be in my life forever. He wants me to be able to call him if I get a flat tire in the garage. If I need any help. Which is basically the same relationship he has with his mother (she is happy with him when he is doing her honey-do list). I told him I wanted to take care of myself. I said that doesn't seem realistic. But he goes on and on, trying to be the "good guy"
I mean---I guess I wasn't totally surprised. But I don't think you can prepare yourself for your spouse telling you that they give up, they're done.
What's going through my brain?
--He seems like a completely different person. I don't even know him anymore. Is it drugs? Alcohol? I don't know. We didn't even talk about that much, to be honest. When I brought up that he turns into a pumpkin around 6PM and runs and hides in his room--and I assume takes some sort of pills... he kind of rolled his eyes and looked at the therapist like "look what I deal with..."
--I'm angry. I'm basically the same person he met 12 years ago. I haven't done anything wrong. But he wants to leave ME?! I know it's not entirely rational--and the therapist spent a lot of effort talking through with me that it wasn't my fault. But right now I am still angry.
--I am scared about custody. The therapist brought it up briefly, and he seemed to be okay with the current situation (which is a-okay) with me. He doesn't want to use a lawyer. The therapist asked us to write down what we want and bring it next week.
--Grieving for the 'perfect life' dream that got shattered. I think I've been in the process of grieving this for the past few months, but it just got kicked into overdrive.
--A small part of me is relieved. Just for the simple fact of a movement forward. Forward towards what? I have no idea. But sitting in this same place forever wasn't an option.
Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head. Thanks for letting me get some of them down on 'paper'
Edit to add: He says he wants to be friends. He wants to be in my life forever. He wants me to be able to call him if I get a flat tire in the garage. If I need any help. Which is basically the same relationship he has with his mother (she is happy with him when he is doing her honey-do list). I told him I wanted to take care of myself. I said that doesn't seem realistic. But he goes on and on, trying to be the "good guy"
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Wow Autumn, that has got to be excruciating. Wow. Huge huge step that you never wanted to take. That no one sets out to do.
Please double down on all the self care you can and let us know how you get on.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb you and your family.
Please double down on all the self care you can and let us know how you get on.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb you and your family.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm sorry that happened to you, I know you must be in shock right now.
You know, unless your therapist is incredibly under trained and lacks any insight, I'm pretty sure she would have seen through his little speech about how great he is and his rolling his eyes at your genuine concern about him exiting around 6 PM every night.
Think of it this way. If a couple came to see you (I assume you have no formal psychiatric training) and sat with you for an hour and the Husband sat there and did things like roll his eyes when the wife, who seems quite rational, makes a statement and then proceeded to ramble on like he is the most understanding and considerate guy in the building, would you buy it? If he is so level-headed and compassionate, why on earth would you be there at all, you could have just had a warm and compassionate talk at the table at your place.
Now, this may in no way make you feel better, it just seems to me that this must have all been very surreal to you and perhaps, just perhaps, she was just letting you see who he REALLY is.
She just let him talk (and talk and talk) from the sounds of it. She can see your reaction, still she lets him talk. Truth is, did she really need to say anything?
To finish up the session she didn't say, sometimes these things just happen, people grow apart - she said "it's not your fault". That's a pretty unusual thing to say really (unless you stated, this must be my fault).
I'm glad you are going back next week with your list. It gives you a week to let your thoughts settle and reflect on what you want to say.
You know, unless your therapist is incredibly under trained and lacks any insight, I'm pretty sure she would have seen through his little speech about how great he is and his rolling his eyes at your genuine concern about him exiting around 6 PM every night.
Think of it this way. If a couple came to see you (I assume you have no formal psychiatric training) and sat with you for an hour and the Husband sat there and did things like roll his eyes when the wife, who seems quite rational, makes a statement and then proceeded to ramble on like he is the most understanding and considerate guy in the building, would you buy it? If he is so level-headed and compassionate, why on earth would you be there at all, you could have just had a warm and compassionate talk at the table at your place.
Now, this may in no way make you feel better, it just seems to me that this must have all been very surreal to you and perhaps, just perhaps, she was just letting you see who he REALLY is.
She just let him talk (and talk and talk) from the sounds of it. She can see your reaction, still she lets him talk. Truth is, did she really need to say anything?
To finish up the session she didn't say, sometimes these things just happen, people grow apart - she said "it's not your fault". That's a pretty unusual thing to say really (unless you stated, this must be my fault).
I'm glad you are going back next week with your list. It gives you a week to let your thoughts settle and reflect on what you want to say.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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One other thing I was just thinking, before you do go back next week, I would consult a lawyer regarding custody and divorce. Just a chat even to know your rights.
Not exactly sure what your current custody arrangement looks like but what protective things do you have in place for your child in terms of drug testing?
I also wouldn't write any of that down for the therapy session, call me paranoid but if he gets a copy he might be able to use it against you later on if you change your mind about an item (to discredit you if nothing else).
Since we both know Mr. Nice Guy that showed up at the therapy session doesn't exist, I would just be cautious.
Not exactly sure what your current custody arrangement looks like but what protective things do you have in place for your child in terms of drug testing?
I also wouldn't write any of that down for the therapy session, call me paranoid but if he gets a copy he might be able to use it against you later on if you change your mind about an item (to discredit you if nothing else).
Since we both know Mr. Nice Guy that showed up at the therapy session doesn't exist, I would just be cautious.
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AutumnMamma…...this is one reason that therapists don't like to see couples if one of them is still in addiction (sounds like your husband I s using something?)…
I don't know if this is of any consolation, or not...but, it is said, by couples therapists, that, when a couple seeks therapy, a good majority of them---one of them already has one foot out the door....and, just wants the therapy exercise to validate them....
I have heard that, when marriage counselors are having coffee among themselves....they acknowledge that only about 10 percent of the couples that come to them actually turn their marriages completely around....and, that much of the work is about helping couples letting go of bad relationships and moving forward without crash landings.....
I don't know if this is of any consolation, or not...but, it is said, by couples therapists, that, when a couple seeks therapy, a good majority of them---one of them already has one foot out the door....and, just wants the therapy exercise to validate them....
I have heard that, when marriage counselors are having coffee among themselves....they acknowledge that only about 10 percent of the couples that come to them actually turn their marriages completely around....and, that much of the work is about helping couples letting go of bad relationships and moving forward without crash landings.....
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Awal, I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. I promise you - it will get better. Someday, you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long or why you put up with his crazy making abuse. You deserve so much better! Let this time be a powerful learning and growth experience. When you start thinking - he doesn't want ME? Just remember how sick he truly is and be grateful! Take it as validation and not rejection. And protect your child at all cost.
Now you are free to build a happy, healthy future. And he is free to get high without any interference!
Now you are free to build a happy, healthy future. And he is free to get high without any interference!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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uuugggghhhh, I so get this. The image my AH always tried to show in therapy was "the good guy" and would constantly tell us I'm the best guy I know, I do more than any other husbands I know ....... So when he told me he was done in his passive aggressive I have no spine kinda way "I know what you want..." (I made him clarify because that kinda talk is confusing and I needed him to own it) I was shocked. I had given him so many chances and here he was saying he's done. The funny thing is now its been a year almost since that conversation and he seems in shock that we are going through a divorce. I don't know if he thought that would get me back in line or that I would just go quietly broken and scared. He seems to think I don't know what my rights are or that he can manipulate me into whatever he wants. He has seemed to be living in a state of shock for months now. You know he's not a nice guy I would not discuss a divorce settlement in therapy at all. Did you know therapists can testify in court? They can, anything you say or put on paper or discuss can be referenced. Please protect yourself and your kids. I also dont think its a great idea to do any negotiating until you have had a chance to process this. Consult with an attorney ask them about the regular process and what that looks like, they can do all of that without a retainer.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I can read/feel your pain. My hat is off to you for being able to sit there while he rambled.
I second trailmix, until I discussed with an attorney, I would be keeping my cards close to my vest regarding custody. He is showing you that he is not the person you thought he knew and what he can do with any information you give him is limitless. Speaking from my own experience.
Hugs friend
I second trailmix, until I discussed with an attorney, I would be keeping my cards close to my vest regarding custody. He is showing you that he is not the person you thought he knew and what he can do with any information you give him is limitless. Speaking from my own experience.
Hugs friend
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I am very sorry, I know you tried so hard to save your marriage. I think now is the time to just stick with individual therapy and work on truly accepting that it is over.
You don’t want to find yourself in the position of doing things or saying things or agreeing to stuff in “hopes” that he changes his mind and comes back.
Of course he doesn’t want to use a lawyer, he’s going to use your feelings of not wanting the marriage to end as a means of manipulation so that he get what he wants from you with the least amount of responsibility. Be smart not emotional!
You don’t want to find yourself in the position of doing things or saying things or agreeing to stuff in “hopes” that he changes his mind and comes back.
Of course he doesn’t want to use a lawyer, he’s going to use your feelings of not wanting the marriage to end as a means of manipulation so that he get what he wants from you with the least amount of responsibility. Be smart not emotional!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I don't plan on writing anything down about the custody. I have it all in my brain.
I actually think he may be more apt to 'give up' more in the absence of lawyers. He loves to play the martyr, so maybe I will let him. I will see what he says, anyway. I trust him with our son during the day time--I get uncomfortable if it is an overnight visit. Maybe all my mistrust in him is misplaced. Maybe he is doing okay. I don't feel like anyone believes me--like everyone just thinks I'm overreacting and vindictive.
Regardless, I would have a lawyer review whatever we put together by ourselves before I signed on any dotted lines. I already spoke with one months ago to ask some general questions. I don't think my husband has really done ENOUGH that I can use it to take away any custody. Especially since he's 'sober' and going to a therapist regularly. I do want to be able to ask for drug/alcohol testing, and have repercussions of that.
Today is my son's third birthday. I feel a little guilty that I'm kind of down in the dumps today. I just wrapped all his presents in Cars wrapping paper, and I'm getting ready to make his classmates a snack for when I go visit his school this afternoon. They are doing a little "celebration' in his class that I get to attend and show pictures of him and talk about his little life. I'm also going to make him some pumpkin bread for his dessert tonight. He gets cupcakes at his birthday party this weekend
I wish I could give him a sibling. I am an only child and I remember growing up and constantly asking my mother for a sibling. Maybe one day, I guess. Who knows what will happen.
I saw my therapist monday, the marriage counselor yesterday, and today I'm going to go talk with my husband therapist (who I see occasionally). My best friend (and my only friend in this state! thanks for making me move away from all my friends, husband!) is coming over tonight to help me celebrate my sons birthday (but mostly to just be with me... i don't deserve her)
I actually think he may be more apt to 'give up' more in the absence of lawyers. He loves to play the martyr, so maybe I will let him. I will see what he says, anyway. I trust him with our son during the day time--I get uncomfortable if it is an overnight visit. Maybe all my mistrust in him is misplaced. Maybe he is doing okay. I don't feel like anyone believes me--like everyone just thinks I'm overreacting and vindictive.
Regardless, I would have a lawyer review whatever we put together by ourselves before I signed on any dotted lines. I already spoke with one months ago to ask some general questions. I don't think my husband has really done ENOUGH that I can use it to take away any custody. Especially since he's 'sober' and going to a therapist regularly. I do want to be able to ask for drug/alcohol testing, and have repercussions of that.
Today is my son's third birthday. I feel a little guilty that I'm kind of down in the dumps today. I just wrapped all his presents in Cars wrapping paper, and I'm getting ready to make his classmates a snack for when I go visit his school this afternoon. They are doing a little "celebration' in his class that I get to attend and show pictures of him and talk about his little life. I'm also going to make him some pumpkin bread for his dessert tonight. He gets cupcakes at his birthday party this weekend
I wish I could give him a sibling. I am an only child and I remember growing up and constantly asking my mother for a sibling. Maybe one day, I guess. Who knows what will happen.
I saw my therapist monday, the marriage counselor yesterday, and today I'm going to go talk with my husband therapist (who I see occasionally). My best friend (and my only friend in this state! thanks for making me move away from all my friends, husband!) is coming over tonight to help me celebrate my sons birthday (but mostly to just be with me... i don't deserve her)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I actually think he may be more apt to 'give up' more in the absence of lawyers. He loves to play the martyr, so maybe I will let him. I will see what he says, anyway.
Maybe all my mistrust in him is misplaced. Maybe he is doing okay. I don't feel like anyone believes me--like everyone just thinks I'm overreacting and vindictive.
Try not to let yourself get in to self doubting. You have heard of gaslighting no doubt. When your AH presents himself as one thing when you know for a FACT he is a different thing, this plays with your reality. Well maybe he's not so bad, maybe I am just hurt and that's reflected on him.
Some of that might be true. He might have some good qualities, I don't know because I don't know him. You do. You know what you know, don't doubt that. Err on the side of caution. Right now you are in an emotional upheaval, you won't always be. Use SR, talk to your friend, talk to your personal counsellor, lean on others to give you perspective.
It's confusing, it's no doubt maddening and above all this current situation is hurtful! Take time, stand your ground.
Happy Birthday to your Son! Luckily at 3 all he will probably remember is the Cars paper and the cake! So don't be too hard on yourself if you are not all happiness and sunshine.
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I negotiated with my XAH regarding custody then of course had my attorney read it over before he filed it for me. We came to the agreement w/out the attorney. I got lots of things in the agreement that a judge would not have forced in according to my attorney. So yes, if you can compromise, do it!
I will also say, make sure you put protections in place for when he does get caught doing X behavior with child present. What is the ramifications and what happens next. Don't leave it up to your child to police his own dad. Also make sure it's very clear who pays for what if he relapses into his addiction being worse than it is now. In that he has to pay for testing, SoberLink monitoring, etc.
Just my two cents, I hope it helps.
I will also say, make sure you put protections in place for when he does get caught doing X behavior with child present. What is the ramifications and what happens next. Don't leave it up to your child to police his own dad. Also make sure it's very clear who pays for what if he relapses into his addiction being worse than it is now. In that he has to pay for testing, SoberLink monitoring, etc.
Just my two cents, I hope it helps.
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This website might be of interest to you.....it is arranged by state....
I could h elp you to organize your thoughts and questions for your own lawyer....
www.womansdivorce.com
I could h elp you to organize your thoughts and questions for your own lawyer....
www.womansdivorce.com
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
I saw my therapist monday, the marriage counselor yesterday, and today I'm going to go talk with my husband therapist (who I see occasionally). My best friend (and my only friend in this state! thanks for making me move away from all my friends, husband!) is coming over tonight to help me celebrate my sons birthday (but mostly to just be with me... i don't deserve her)
And I'm happy she stopped by!!I get the bombshell being dropped. My first husband did that to me. He was having an affair and divorced me. Before he started the divorce, we tried therapy, too. But only attended one session together. Mostly, he would either not show for the appointments or would cancel them out from under me--I would show up to talk to an embarrassed receptionist telling me I had no appointment with my husband that day.
It does get better...I swear! I'm speaking to you from the other side!! Enjoy your precious boy's birthday
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by Mango212
One day at a time.
How are you doing today? (((hugs)))
How are you doing today? (((hugs)))
I'm sure I'll get to acceptance at some point.
I have been allowing myself to sit with my emotions when they come up. Sometimes I cry at really random things. I'm not sure how much to shield my son from my emotions. He's three--if he does catch my crying, he runs up to me and says "Why are you sad? I'll hug you and you'll feel better!"
But for the most part I'm just getting on with life. I am not isolating myself or numbing myself in any way. I mean, we weren't living together so it's not a huge adjustment. I catch myself starting to worry about something involving him and I think 'not my problem anymore...' And a part of me feels relief.
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