Awal

Is there anyone on here who is staying with their AH and if so can you advise me on coping mechanisms especially with the secrecy and lying aspects of this god awful disease please? 🤔

biminiblue

You've gotten good advice in your other recent threads from people who are on treatment teams, recovered alcoholics, people who are still with their alcoholics and lots of others who have a lot of knowledge.

I'd say go back and read them again. No new words of wisdom are out there.

Basically, get some support for yourself like you're trying to do. How about Al Anon meetings for yourself, or therapy? You won't be able to change him so detaching with love is the goal regardless of whether or not you stay living with him. That's for your own sanity, not to change him.

dandylion

Awal....I have never lived with an alcoholic spouse...although I have lived with an alcoholic relative....the behaviors are much the same, though.
This is exactly why I gave you the link to our library of 100 articles....to help educate you on what coping mechanisms that you will need to live with an alcoholic spouse, if that is what you want to do.....
If you plan on staying....then, alanon is a big help, with this.....

dandylion

Awal.....I gave you some specific suggestions on 9/4/2018......were they of any help?
I would add to that list----that you might start to work on developing a life of your own....your own schedule, your own interests, activities and hobbies....and friends...
And, also....start learning about establishing boundaries for your own welfare and protection----(different than "rules" for him to live by)…..

You actually said, in a previous thread, when you got back from your last trip without him, that you didn't care what he did, or drank, as long as he didn't become violent.....
But, from what you are now sharing....It seems that isn't exactly true...It seems like you are wanting him to make some changes...…?! like....stop lying about his drinking and to stop hiding it....and stop making noises at night....(hint: pigs will fly before that happens)…..

Hawkeye13

Be sure that staying is what you want--because if he keeps drinking, things will spiral downwards, and sometimes that happens quickly and without warning.

It's a big compromise.

dandylion

awal…..if you want to understand about boundaries...which you will have to, if you are planning to stay.....
there are a series of books called "Boundaries".....all written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. (there is also a workbook)
You can get them on amazon.com or, through your local library.

You can get a cheaper price if you order the used ones.


LOl….I will have to stop talking, now....because my fingers are getting sore from typing on this and your other thread...…..lol......

biminiblue

That right there is some self-care. ^^

dandylion

^^^^^^^^^^lol.....

Awal

Im sorry if l come across as contrary and flitting from one emotion to the next but its only been a few weeks since the penny dropped with me about how serious a problem he has. My mind is in a whirl to be honest...i think lve got a handle on it then he lies and l fall back into a downward spiral. If l go for counselling do l tell him where lm going? Do l say what its for? Or do l become a liar too? I will go back and re read the previous posts as you suggest...maybe l didnt absorb them properly at the time. Thank you everyone x

trailmix

That's a really good idea. With your newfound information the previous advice will probably seem more applicable.

Absolutely tell him the truth about where you are going. I recommend this in all cases except if there is violence or any kind of abuse in the relationship. If there is, then no.

If there isn't, why would you lie?

As for "why" you are going, that's up to you. That is your personal business. You are going for support. No need to volunteer that information or even answer the question should it arise. "I feel I need therapy" is a good answer.

Awal

So l just say l feel l need for some therapy, but l dont mention its because of his secretive drinking?

Awal

Look after your fingers...don't hurt them on my behalf LOL

atalose

How about you just go ahead and set up some therapy for yourself. Chances are he won’t even know you are going.

Most woman I know who go, go during the day while husband is at work. And usually the only time the husband finds out is when the wife screams it at them while blaming them to be the cause during a heated argument.

MCESaint

Hmmm...let me ask you this. Do you *explain* why you're going to get your haircut, nails done, oil changed or other items of "routine maintenance"??? I don't. If I'm going to a barber its because *I* think I need a hair cut. If I take the car to get its oil changed, it's because *I* think the oil in the car needs changing. If you say that you're going to see a therapist . . . isn't the "reason why" because you think you need to see one??? WHY you think you need to see one isn't anyone's bees wax. Not even your spouses. And, btw, he'll KNOW why -- if he presses you on it, it's because he wants a CONFRONTATION with you.

MCESaint

Awal

I would have to go evening time as l am tbe one at work all day..hes retired. So l would have to say where lm going.

Awal

Will he know why though..we dont discuss alcohol ever...

dandylion

Awal..….what you tell him is up to you....but, if he presses you.....
You could say that you are going to a woman's self improvement group...which isn't, technically a lie. lol.
Or, if you feel comfortable enough...you could just say that you are getting help for yourself because his drinking is having a negative effect on you...…

Whatever you are comfortable with.....
After all, his drinking isn't a secret. He knows about it, and you know about it. It is just a big elephant in the room, at this point......

Sleepyhollo

I can’t say I recommend it. My RaH is 2 years sober butnpirot to that I lived with it for 14 years, the last 3-5 being the worst. 4 years ago he drove home completely sh*tfaced (he had been drinking a bunch for several months already) . I talked to him about needing to quit and how hard it was for me because I could not talk to anyone about it, he said he never thought about how isolating it was for me as well. He quit for a year but was a soupy drink, so still really tough to be around, always tired and always grumpy. And everyone just thought that it was because of his job. Then he started drinking again and I let it go. I detached ( not consciously) and figured I’d let it go and see where it went. I figured if I said something he would stop for a while and then start again and subconsciously knew he just had to do his thing until he hit rock bottom. It really damaged the relationship and even though he has been clan and doing well for 2 years for me too much damage was done. Not being able to talk to anyone about it probably created a ton more resentment compared to if I had been able to talk to someone about it. Not sure if the end result would’ve been the same or not (we are getting divorced) but it would have helped me a lot to be able to talk about it. I didn’t start counseling until he went to rehab and didn’t find this place until after he got out. At least you are thinking about counseling now and you have found this board so you can vent at least. But ultimately he will only get worse. And detaching can help but is that really the life you want for yourself? I had quit wanting to be intimate with him a long time ago. Walking in the bedroom when you get hit with a cloud of alcohol is not attractive. We weren’t intimate very often and it was really just doing the deed and getting it over with. There wasn’t really any intimacy. It took a huge toll on me. I don’t know how long you have been together but it isn’t going to get better. You don’t have to make decisions today so definitely seek out counseling and try alanon. Get well educated on alcoholism and then you can make a well informed decision about what you want for you. Counseling and alanon will teach you coping skills but then will you be happy or are just hanging in there.
I’m not sure in the end it would’ve made a big difference because itnw Uodnt have made him quit sooner. But I might have been able to cope with it better which may have led to less resentment which may have made it easier to recover from this when he went to rehab. But I honestly don’t know.
Go to counseling, he doesn’t need to know why you are going. But take a good look at yourself. If I look back at it now I think I quit loving him probably 3-4 years ago but I was afraid to be honest with my own feelings and so I plugged along. It is still hard now but as much as it hurts I have to be honest with myself rather than worrying about everyone else’s feeling. It took a lot,of counseling to get to that point.
Good luck, take care of yourself and figure out what you need for you to be happy.

trailmix

Why not? You seem to almost be in fear of him but I'm not sure why?

I've read most of your posts, you don't mention him being violent or abusive.

That being the case, why do you never talk about his drinking and why would you be scared/hesitant to tell him you are going to therapy to help you deal with the relationship?

I know you don't want to give up your marriage/house/lifestyle - so is it just fear of rocking the boat?

mylifeismine

For alanon meetings- i told AH i needed to go because i was
having difficulty coping & needed support. He knows what
alanon is so never questioned further.... If he asked about
therapy were I to go again, the explanation would be the same.
Recovery is a frame of mind- the focus is all about what you
need for your emotional and physical and spiritual health and
wellbeing. You put your needs first, at last.