Leelee168

Warning: This is graphic.

Well, first you will be glad to know that I’m moving past the “I need to understand why” Now, I’m just getting angry. I’m really, really angry.

I feel like he is using the fact that he’s an alcoholic as a excuse for things that happened. He can’t be responsible because he was drinking. I’m calling BS. I found out over the weekend that he was hitting on the wife of a very close friend to both of us. He went to far as to go to her place of employment—and this was the second “significant other” female that he did this to. He claimed he “only kicked the dog” and doesn’t remember any of the other abuse the dog endured; I didn’t know he ever kicked the dog and my heart breaks over this because I know of the other types of abuse the pup went through. He doesn’t remember what he did to me, because he was drunk, so he can’t be responsible for it. The list goes on and on.

Right now...I am so mad that I actually want to give him back all of the abuse that we endured. I want him to hurt like we did. I want him to feel the isolation that we were subject to. I want him to know how it felt to be so alone, with all friends and family cut off, with only an unreliable a$$ in the house and all of the responsibility for keeping things together. I want him to know how it felt to be alone and hurting; to be left out while he was out with other women. I want him to know the humiliation of learning his partner was cheating, and sometimes attempting to cheat with her friends. I want him to know how it was to come home to a lazy drunk who stopped working, to worry about personal safety, to be embarrassed to bring anyone to the house because of what he would do or say or how he would act. I want him to feel the desperation and wonder if he’s going to get through the night unscathed and to go to work, and function (miraculously) with only 2 hours of sleep. But mostly, when he says “I’m an alcoholic” as if that makes everything excusable and understandable, I want to punch him in the nose so hard that I break his sinuses.

I want him to leave me alone and respect his restraining order. I want him to get his stuff out of my house and to stop playing games. Mostly, I want a cement mixer to run him over on the road (and don’t worry I have no access to one so I can’t make that happen).

This isn’t like me and I have not been a vengeance seeker before. I’m usually a mild-mannered person; I want him to suffer and struggle this time because I want him to know what he did to me. I want him to feel it.

Maybe this is progress? At least I’m not stuck so much on why?

PuzzledHeart

Anger can be your friend as long as you avoid making rash decisions. It can give you the energy and impetus to change the status quo. Anger that leads to SMART action is a good thing.

My family constantly told me to be "nice" to my sociopathic cousin, but I was too angry to care. I also remember feeling such resentment towards his parents, but I couldn't place my finger on WHY. Now, I'm grateful for that anger and resentment, because I think, in an odd way, that it protected me from the worst of his rages. Now, would I get a cement truck and run over him? He's not worth the jail sentence.

So yeah, your anger sounds like progress. You WANT to detach. You WANT to move forward. Just don't get so stuck on wanting him to feel the pain you felt. Honestly, the stage you want to get to is the stage where you wish him well, but you really don't care where he ends up. I personally got to that stage with my ex-fiance (not an alcoholic, but he broke up with me immediately after we sent out the invitations.) By the time we saw each other again ten years later, I had moved on and was quite frankly a little annoyed at his long-winded apology. I was touched by his efforts, but in the end I had my own life, and he had his, and that was that.

You can get there, but it takes time. As people like to say around these parts, time takes time.

Eddiebuckle

Personally, I would give him a deadline (48 hours? 1 week?) to get his stuff or have it curb alerted on craigslist, or picked up by whatever charity will take it.

As to the anger, it sounds like progress to me so long as you don't act on it.

Wamama48

You have every right to be angry. Furious even. Whatever you feel is ok. I understand wanting him to feel the same pain he's given you. He deserves that, and more. Yes, its progress. The problem with anger is it can come home to roost. I didn't realize I've spent the past 3 years of my life furious. Friends and family say my whole personality changed. I'm impatient, unhappy and angry. I didn't realize I was so angry that it had affected my entire life. In a bad way. I've started working on it recently. My point is, you have every right to be furious. Screaming, fist pounding, red faced angry! But don't let it stay too long. Work through it in whatever way works for you. And don't deck anyone who says you should let go of the anger because its only hurting you. I hate that saying. I'm sending hugs to you.

trailmix

It is progress and it brings some energy, so time to straighten a few things out perhaps? Perhaps you can organize for his things to be gone, whether that is setting a time and saying your things will be outside or having them delivered to his new residence. Hire someone to get them to either place if you need help.

Enforce that restraining order, if he breaks it, report him, every time.

Take your life back, he has no control over you, you are free.

Do not rent a cement truck!

I think the anger "phase", is completely normal. I never felt that vengeance when going through it but I don't think that seems abnormal either. We all have different reasons for feeling that resentment and frustration bubbling over and that's how it presents itself.

For me it was more of a - wth moment. Some people have ah-ha moments, I have a wth! moment. And the anger came. In fact I encouraged it, I had had enough indecision and wallowing, I was ready to shake it all off.

So when I would look in the direction of where he now lives I would signal him appropriately or make some kind of remark. Yes, it seems silly but it worked for me and it was a reminder of why I was mad.

I hung on to that for a few weeks and then honestly it ran out of steam. I got to the point where I just didn't care anymore and the anger was no longer serving me, no longer working and I just let it go and went on. Happier, ready to make plans for myself to have some fun - so I did!!

And that was that. That broke the bond that we once had, I didn't need to forgive or forget, I honestly just didn't care anymore.

So while anger is no fun, use it to get moving.

I should also mention I took the opportunity to get rid of anything that reminded me of him, some cookware we had used, gifts or mementos- you get the idea - all in the garbage. I did that over a period of weeks.

atalose

Anger is part of the grieving process. I think the anger part surfaces when you know that you are going to survive whatever comes.

NYCDoglvr

Nothing will change until you enforce the restraining order and give him a deadline for getting his stuff. Be prepared to toss things in the dump if he doesn't show up.

teatreeoil007

Anger can be useful. Just be careful and don't be like I have been at times in which my anger was not "displayed" very well. We understand! Anger doesn't need to be something for which you feel ashamed. I know people who just think anger is always a 'bad' thing. It doesn't have to be 'bad'. It can be used as like a sort of way to bump you out of inertia. I have found it's just important that I get "bumped" in a useful and helpful way, rather than a destructive way. Like I say....I know from my own experience unfortunately how anger can turn destructive. I've had to really work on this.

teatreeoil007

I found with myself it's important how I process anger. It doesn't always have to end up being a destructive process.

I have found that I need to spend a certain amount of time on anger, but that I don't want to spend too MUCH time on my anger. I found that I can get stuck in the "angry stage" for lack of a better way to describe it. So, (this is just me here) I discovered that I needed to eventually find a way to move on after processing the anger because I found myself getting stuck in an angry stage and I didn't like feeling that way.

Having said that.....I ALSO think it's important not to automatically shy away from when I feel angry....It's something that must be dealt with rather than be ashamed of. I hope this make sense.

I think you're doing an awesome job here expressing yourself....it's all part of the necessary processing that needs to happen and this is a safe place to process it; partly because we all "get it". We're not going to sit here and tell you you "shouldn't be angry". !

Stay strong, friend!