Codependency Debate on isolation...
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Codependency Debate on isolation...
Reading a few articles tonight as been feeling a little isolated lately because I just feel I cant be around a lot or certain people in my recovery. Thought I'd throw it out there to see what people think about this one.
"There is an array of critics of codependency, who argue that you only really thrive in an intimate relationship and believe that the codependency movement has hurt people and relationships by encouraging too much independence and a false-sense of self-sufficiency, which can pose health risks associated with isolation.
Not saying I agree, I'm in early recovery so withhold an opinion, but can see the benefits where addicts are concerned of detaching and self care, love to hear people's thoughts on your experiences.
"There is an array of critics of codependency, who argue that you only really thrive in an intimate relationship and believe that the codependency movement has hurt people and relationships by encouraging too much independence and a false-sense of self-sufficiency, which can pose health risks associated with isolation.
Not saying I agree, I'm in early recovery so withhold an opinion, but can see the benefits where addicts are concerned of detaching and self care, love to hear people's thoughts on your experiences.
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Critics exist for every subject on earth. 
My experience is:
I become stronger by breaking the bonds of dysfunctional relationships. In becoming and knowing my authentic self, I can have an open heart, close healthy relationships and happiness in my life without anxiety.
The happiness I used to achieve was based on flawed perceptions. That if I did "this" for someone else it would result in good feelings, good reactions, etc. If I behaved or acted in a certain way for others, things would be good -- that I and others would be happy.
I often didn't realize I was doing this. It took time to get that awareness. It still happens. Progress, not perfection.
Now my happiness is allowed to grow abundantly inside me. I take good, healthy, fun actions because of me, not because of others.
My experience is:
I become stronger by breaking the bonds of dysfunctional relationships. In becoming and knowing my authentic self, I can have an open heart, close healthy relationships and happiness in my life without anxiety.
The happiness I used to achieve was based on flawed perceptions. That if I did "this" for someone else it would result in good feelings, good reactions, etc. If I behaved or acted in a certain way for others, things would be good -- that I and others would be happy.
I often didn't realize I was doing this. It took time to get that awareness. It still happens. Progress, not perfection.
Now my happiness is allowed to grow abundantly inside me. I take good, healthy, fun actions because of me, not because of others.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
you only really thrive in an intimate relationship
The people I was in close relationships with who have been toxic for me have been unable/unwilling/unwanting to have authentic, kind, nourishing interactions. As I learned to "listen" to actions rather than words, things became clearer.
When in abusive/dysfunctional relationships, the periods of time that "seem really nice" are often a part of the cycle of abuse. It's the "don't tell". Don't tell anyone about the bad things. Don't tell yourself how bad it is. Don't tell anyone about the abuse. It's reeling the target in so the abuse cycles can continue.
I am thriving in a close, kind and nourishing relationship with my self.
I thrive by having new kinds of relationships with healthy people.
I thrive by having time in nature. As I reconnect with myself and this beautiful life, I thrive in many ways.
The people I was in close relationships with who have been toxic for me have been unable/unwilling/unwanting to have authentic, kind, nourishing interactions. As I learned to "listen" to actions rather than words, things became clearer.
When in abusive/dysfunctional relationships, the periods of time that "seem really nice" are often a part of the cycle of abuse. It's the "don't tell". Don't tell anyone about the bad things. Don't tell yourself how bad it is. Don't tell anyone about the abuse. It's reeling the target in so the abuse cycles can continue.
I am thriving in a close, kind and nourishing relationship with my self.
I thrive by having new kinds of relationships with healthy people.
I thrive by having time in nature. As I reconnect with myself and this beautiful life, I thrive in many ways.
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I think there is some truth that in any "movement" people tend to go way overboard.
I don't really subscribe to "co-dependency", you probably never see me use the word in fact. I'm not codependent although I probably fit some of the criteria - everyone does.
Labels are helpful sometimes I think when you want to tackle a problem, for some people, but I think it's really important not to get bogged down with it all. If you are looking at "co-dependency" on a global scale as a global issue for you, that is a bit over-whelming?
Maybe start breaking it down in to smaller items you would like to deal with?
I don't really subscribe to "co-dependency", you probably never see me use the word in fact. I'm not codependent although I probably fit some of the criteria - everyone does.
Labels are helpful sometimes I think when you want to tackle a problem, for some people, but I think it's really important not to get bogged down with it all. If you are looking at "co-dependency" on a global scale as a global issue for you, that is a bit over-whelming?
Maybe start breaking it down in to smaller items you would like to deal with?
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Nothing in the quoted criticism resonates with me, personally.
I too isolated at the beginning of my recovery from codependency. For me it was just a phase. I had a lot of soul-searching to do and needed a lot of space to do it in. It didn't last more than a few months and I certainly never encountered any "health risks" associated with it. It was just a necessary phase in learning to understand, love and forvie myself.
I too isolated at the beginning of my recovery from codependency. For me it was just a phase. I had a lot of soul-searching to do and needed a lot of space to do it in. It didn't last more than a few months and I certainly never encountered any "health risks" associated with it. It was just a necessary phase in learning to understand, love and forvie myself.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Nothing in the quoted criticism resonates with me, personally.
I too isolated at the beginning of my recovery from codependency. For me it was just a phase. I had a lot of soul-searching to do and needed a lot of space to do it in. It didn't last more than a few months and I certainly never encountered any "health risks" associated with it. It was just a necessary phase in learning to understand, love and forvie myself.
I too isolated at the beginning of my recovery from codependency. For me it was just a phase. I had a lot of soul-searching to do and needed a lot of space to do it in. It didn't last more than a few months and I certainly never encountered any "health risks" associated with it. It was just a necessary phase in learning to understand, love and forvie myself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think there is some truth that in any "movement" people tend to go way overboard.
I don't really subscribe to "co-dependency", you probably never see me use the word in fact. I'm not codependent although I probably fit some of the criteria - everyone does.
Labels are helpful sometimes I think when you want to tackle a problem, for some people, but I think it's really important not to get bogged down with it all. If you are looking at "co-dependency" on a global scale as a global issue for you, that is a bit over-whelming?
Maybe start breaking it down in to smaller items you would like to deal with?
I don't really subscribe to "co-dependency", you probably never see me use the word in fact. I'm not codependent although I probably fit some of the criteria - everyone does.
Labels are helpful sometimes I think when you want to tackle a problem, for some people, but I think it's really important not to get bogged down with it all. If you are looking at "co-dependency" on a global scale as a global issue for you, that is a bit over-whelming?
Maybe start breaking it down in to smaller items you would like to deal with?
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The loneliest I ever was in my life was when I was married. Isolation while in a relationship. Now THAT is unhealthy! Spending time with me, finding my strength, forgiveness, compassion for me and who I am has been the most rewarding time for me. Finding happiness within and no expectations on others I feel will allow my future relationships to be far more healthy than my marriage was. Everything has a season, and for me for right now that season is about being with me and uncovering who I am and it's been so beautiful. I look forward to being with someone in a healthy relationship and I am sure that will happen when God decides its time. Everything unfolds perfectly in life. We just need to let go and let it happen.
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy
The loneliest I ever was in my life was when I was married. Isolation while in a relationship. Now THAT is unhealthy! Spending time with me, finding my strength, forgiveness, compassion for me and who I am has been the most rewarding time for me. Finding happiness within and no expectations on others I feel will allow my future relationships to be far more healthy than my marriage was. Everything has a season, and for me for right now that season is about being with me and uncovering who I am and it's been so beautiful. I look forward to being with someone in a healthy relationship and I am sure that will happen when God decides its time. Everything unfolds perfectly in life. We just need to let go and let it happen.
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I have spent many a months to maybe even years in iso
I have slept my life away always in a relationship. They would take my vehicle or pay me no mind until I needed to tow there line and get up, get out, and get them something. Being alone while in a relationship means you are alone. Or if we broke up in my head no contact I would sleep and figure if I'm sleeping I'm out living life. It wouldn't really be no contact just make them think I was living the best life ever. I always had depression but dating someone who does not love you or is incapable of love will resort you to ISO. I have lost jobs in consolation, and more importantly myself. I always used to think no one can hurt me if I'm in isolation but I'm hurting myself as days, months, years are passing. I understand.
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Interesting to hear from your point shredder. Then I come across a new term tonight. I can't keep up.
Counterdependency is a label for people who refuse emotional attachment. They do this, refusing to need other people, by denying they have any needs in the first place and avoiding intimate situations as often as possible.
The signs you are counterdependent:
you suffer anxiety in close intimate relationships
rarely ask others for help
hide your insecurities from others
show little awareness for the needs and wants of others
tend to sexualise any affectionate touch
like to always look good and be ‘right’
often exhibit perfectionist behaviours, afraid to appear weak
cut off from your feelings
Counterdependency is a label for people who refuse emotional attachment. They do this, refusing to need other people, by denying they have any needs in the first place and avoiding intimate situations as often as possible.
The signs you are counterdependent:
you suffer anxiety in close intimate relationships
rarely ask others for help
hide your insecurities from others
show little awareness for the needs and wants of others
tend to sexualise any affectionate touch
like to always look good and be ‘right’
often exhibit perfectionist behaviours, afraid to appear weak
cut off from your feelings
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At first I thought about whether or not we "need" an intimate relationship; I think I want one--at some point--and, to me at least, that's better than a "need." The whole "need" thing seems like caveman-speak to keep women in toxic or abusive relationships, then again that may just be my perspective after what I came through.
Also thought about isolation within a relationship and I agree that I felt very, very lonely even while he was here--so having a person and an intimate relationship, by the definition of having someone in my home, was very unhealthy for me. I have been alone, and lonely, very often since he was removed from the home, but I am now safe. No one screams, threatens, intimidates, or physically hurts me.
The counterdependent was kind of interesting, but I disagree with it. I've finally started caring what I look like and have been more independent; I think that's a good thing. It supports my feeling that I want, at some point, a relationship-rather than needing it. I think it's good to rely on yourself and to know that you can count on yourself, take care of yourself, and be okay.
Thanks for the thought provoking post
Also thought about isolation within a relationship and I agree that I felt very, very lonely even while he was here--so having a person and an intimate relationship, by the definition of having someone in my home, was very unhealthy for me. I have been alone, and lonely, very often since he was removed from the home, but I am now safe. No one screams, threatens, intimidates, or physically hurts me.
The counterdependent was kind of interesting, but I disagree with it. I've finally started caring what I look like and have been more independent; I think that's a good thing. It supports my feeling that I want, at some point, a relationship-rather than needing it. I think it's good to rely on yourself and to know that you can count on yourself, take care of yourself, and be okay.
Thanks for the thought provoking post
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I disagree with the counterdependence concept. It's a label which allows us to think, "ok, so I am this, so the cure must be that". It's a label which means nothing. Do you like who you are? Do you enjoy alone time? Is your happiness coming from within? Do you clearly see your limiting beliefs and know they are not who you are and are just your old story? The work is to learn how to really love who you are, reparent the child within you who was so abandoned or neglected and find your strength. Labels do not help. Healing helps.
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I agree enough with the labels can someone respond to my Nightmares post when they have a moment
I reread that definition some traits seem narcissistic which I know is not me. I just know being in unhealthy relationships I have subjected myself to isolation. Not fun.
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I am in a medical field and interact with people all day long. I am also involved in lay ministry through my local church.
That being said, I live alone. My days off are usually spent alone.
In the beginning of my recovery, that was okay. It is still okay, but I am starting to wish for someone to talk to at home.
That being said, I live alone. My days off are usually spent alone.
In the beginning of my recovery, that was okay. It is still okay, but I am starting to wish for someone to talk to at home.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I am in a medical field and interact with people all day long. I am also involved in lay ministry through my local church.
That being said, I live alone. My days off are usually spent alone.
In the beginning of my recovery, that was okay. It is still okay, but I am starting to wish for someone to talk to at home.
That being said, I live alone. My days off are usually spent alone.
In the beginning of my recovery, that was okay. It is still okay, but I am starting to wish for someone to talk to at home.
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I don’t self- identify as codependent, and generally speaking have moved away from certain kinds of labels, but I find myself being attracted to, and finding meaning in other ones.
For example, I do wonder if some people who identify/ can relate to the concept of codependency or some of the traits, might actually have some empath traits. This is something I can relate to. Very sensitive, and can very easily pick up on the emotional states of others. Crowds can be a problem for this very reason, as being around unbalanced people can be. It takes a lot of alone time to get centered and back in tune with my own emotional state. I’m also sensitive to external stimuli; sounds, smells, tastes. Depending on what kinds of energies I’m around, sometimes I just need a lot of quiet and alone time to feel like “myself” again. I don’t consider it isolation, but much needed solitude.
As far as relationships, I do find that I need my few select bonds, and as long as I’m comfortable with the level of intimacy, that’s all that matters. I don’t let any movement or concept get into my head too much when it comes to that.
For example, I do wonder if some people who identify/ can relate to the concept of codependency or some of the traits, might actually have some empath traits. This is something I can relate to. Very sensitive, and can very easily pick up on the emotional states of others. Crowds can be a problem for this very reason, as being around unbalanced people can be. It takes a lot of alone time to get centered and back in tune with my own emotional state. I’m also sensitive to external stimuli; sounds, smells, tastes. Depending on what kinds of energies I’m around, sometimes I just need a lot of quiet and alone time to feel like “myself” again. I don’t consider it isolation, but much needed solitude.
As far as relationships, I do find that I need my few select bonds, and as long as I’m comfortable with the level of intimacy, that’s all that matters. I don’t let any movement or concept get into my head too much when it comes to that.
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