Does anyone get this? Anger and frustration.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Does anyone get this? Anger and frustration.
So updating... but feeling soooo frustrated. Wow. My SO has all the symptoms of a “dry drunk” even though I hate labels. It’s so frustrating. No serious job hunting, little respect for boundaries (meaning they keep being irritatingly nudged), no humor, no interest in getting out to groups, forming new connections and certainly no nice hello or goodbye greetings. No smiles.
Plus. I’m apparently offering no moral support! The helping save a life and the 100 percent financial support, the long list of contactable people, the courtesy, politeness, the keeping things upbeat, the pressure-free environment is not enough. Apparently I’m insensitive, I have no idea how hard it is to deal with sobriety,I should ask about how they’re going more, I should be more understanding since I’ve done all my alcoholism homework (detecting a little or a lot of sarcasm there). Apparently I’m also even hoping for a relapse! After all I’ve done I get this. And the yelling continues. Either no talk (because to discuss anything involves talking about difficult issues that “can’t be discussed right now”) or yelling. More “Are you done?” More walking away from problems. More passive aggressive behavior. More denial. More manipulative maneuvering.
Oh, my friends I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t realize how frustrated I’d feel. Anyone else feeling the sting of the recovering angry partner? It’s bad enough that I am looking at leaving the country next year. Can only more so fast with work etc. So breathtakingly frustrated! Ok breathe in, now out. Thanks for letting me vent my friends! X
Plus. I’m apparently offering no moral support! The helping save a life and the 100 percent financial support, the long list of contactable people, the courtesy, politeness, the keeping things upbeat, the pressure-free environment is not enough. Apparently I’m insensitive, I have no idea how hard it is to deal with sobriety,I should ask about how they’re going more, I should be more understanding since I’ve done all my alcoholism homework (detecting a little or a lot of sarcasm there). Apparently I’m also even hoping for a relapse! After all I’ve done I get this. And the yelling continues. Either no talk (because to discuss anything involves talking about difficult issues that “can’t be discussed right now”) or yelling. More “Are you done?” More walking away from problems. More passive aggressive behavior. More denial. More manipulative maneuvering.
Oh, my friends I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t realize how frustrated I’d feel. Anyone else feeling the sting of the recovering angry partner? It’s bad enough that I am looking at leaving the country next year. Can only more so fast with work etc. So breathtakingly frustrated! Ok breathe in, now out. Thanks for letting me vent my friends! X
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Yes. I've experienced those things before when my husband wasn't drinking and wasn't in recovery. Another phase of the disease of alcoholism.
It's okay to leave now or ask the alcoholic to. We don't have to wait for alcohol to be in the mix to make significant changes.
It took me time to learn how to do that. The actions of walking away, getting help for myself and calling law enforcement for help were what strengthens me to do the next good/healthy action easier.
Emotional abuse is abuse.
It's okay to leave now or ask the alcoholic to. We don't have to wait for alcohol to be in the mix to make significant changes.
It took me time to learn how to do that. The actions of walking away, getting help for myself and calling law enforcement for help were what strengthens me to do the next good/healthy action easier.
Emotional abuse is abuse.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hugs for you!
I no longer feel that way... but I used to. All the damn time. It was exhausting.
Drinking or white-knuckling sobriety, my AXH was always a Jekyll/Hyde ( plus a dozen other unpredictable) personalities. I drove myself nuts worrying which one I'd have to deal with at any given moment, just when I thought I had his reactions to a given situation figured out i'd get blindsided by a different one. Ugggggg... it was awful.
It sounds like your spouse is not actively drinking but not actually in recovery. I know some people around here don't like the term "dry drunk" but that sounds exactly like what you are dealing with. I know how bad that sucks, I was in your shoes way too many times.
I hope you are doing kind things for yourself and not falling victim to his shenanigans.
I no longer feel that way... but I used to. All the damn time. It was exhausting.
Drinking or white-knuckling sobriety, my AXH was always a Jekyll/Hyde ( plus a dozen other unpredictable) personalities. I drove myself nuts worrying which one I'd have to deal with at any given moment, just when I thought I had his reactions to a given situation figured out i'd get blindsided by a different one. Ugggggg... it was awful.
It sounds like your spouse is not actively drinking but not actually in recovery. I know some people around here don't like the term "dry drunk" but that sounds exactly like what you are dealing with. I know how bad that sucks, I was in your shoes way too many times.
I hope you are doing kind things for yourself and not falling victim to his shenanigans.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
Hugs for you!
I no longer feel that way... but I used to. All the damn time. It was exhausting.
Drinking or white-knuckling sobriety, my AXH was always a Jekyll/Hyde ( plus a dozen other unpredictable) personalities. I drove myself nuts worrying which one I'd have to deal with at any given moment, just when I thought I had his reactions to a given situation figured out i'd get blindsided by a different one. Ugggggg... it was awful.
It sounds like your spouse is not actively drinking but not actually in recovery. I know some people around here don't like the term "dry drunk" but that sounds exactly like what you are dealing with. I know how bad that sucks, I was in your shoes way too many times.
I hope you are doing kind things for yourself and not falling victim to his shenanigans.
I no longer feel that way... but I used to. All the damn time. It was exhausting.
Drinking or white-knuckling sobriety, my AXH was always a Jekyll/Hyde ( plus a dozen other unpredictable) personalities. I drove myself nuts worrying which one I'd have to deal with at any given moment, just when I thought I had his reactions to a given situation figured out i'd get blindsided by a different one. Ugggggg... it was awful.
It sounds like your spouse is not actively drinking but not actually in recovery. I know some people around here don't like the term "dry drunk" but that sounds exactly like what you are dealing with. I know how bad that sucks, I was in your shoes way too many times.
I hope you are doing kind things for yourself and not falling victim to his shenanigans.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Sorry you are so insensitive lol
And sorry for that bad joke but honestly, please read and re-read your post, it says it all about your situation.
For what it's worth, I would give up trying, all you can do is carry on with your life (I am not saying run out the door or any other advice like that, of course).
Your efforts are wasted. It does not matter what you do it will be "wrong", but I know you already know that. Just no use exhausting yourself with doing all that. That's where the anger and frustration come from and for what? For absolutely nothing, doesn't help him and most certainly is not helping you.
You are jumping through hoops for him, to try to calm and soothe him. It's not working and hoop jumping is very tiring.
Add to that you get nothing in return and I don't mean flowers, emotionally what are you getting besides abusive comments? Aside from being put down?
You will wear yourself right out. You must keep yourself strong, it's an absolute necessity. If not, a year from now you will be exhausted, sitting there and writing, where do I go from here, what do I do, you won't have the self-esteem or in fact the energy to move forward with you life and you will feel stuck.
I'm really just saying take care of yourself.
And sorry for that bad joke but honestly, please read and re-read your post, it says it all about your situation.
For what it's worth, I would give up trying, all you can do is carry on with your life (I am not saying run out the door or any other advice like that, of course).
Your efforts are wasted. It does not matter what you do it will be "wrong", but I know you already know that. Just no use exhausting yourself with doing all that. That's where the anger and frustration come from and for what? For absolutely nothing, doesn't help him and most certainly is not helping you.
You are jumping through hoops for him, to try to calm and soothe him. It's not working and hoop jumping is very tiring.
Add to that you get nothing in return and I don't mean flowers, emotionally what are you getting besides abusive comments? Aside from being put down?
You will wear yourself right out. You must keep yourself strong, it's an absolute necessity. If not, a year from now you will be exhausted, sitting there and writing, where do I go from here, what do I do, you won't have the self-esteem or in fact the energy to move forward with you life and you will feel stuck.
I'm really just saying take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Label or not, your SO sounds very much like a dry drunk. They may be abstaining from alcohol but are still dealing with the emotional and psychological issues that fueled their addiction in the first place.
Once something like alcohol becomes a fiber and substantial part of their daily being and is taken away, and that void is not filled with healthier coping skills like from a 12 step recovery program or specific addiction intense counseling yes you are left with an unhappy angry dry drunk who most likely will relapse in order to get out of that uncomfortable pain.
Your frustration may be the result of having an expectation that once the alcohol was removed things and life would get better. That’s not the case when no outside assistance is sought by them.
Once something like alcohol becomes a fiber and substantial part of their daily being and is taken away, and that void is not filled with healthier coping skills like from a 12 step recovery program or specific addiction intense counseling yes you are left with an unhappy angry dry drunk who most likely will relapse in order to get out of that uncomfortable pain.
Your frustration may be the result of having an expectation that once the alcohol was removed things and life would get better. That’s not the case when no outside assistance is sought by them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When an alcoholic stops drinking we expect things to get much better but it rarely does, at least not without a lot of hard work and a serious program of change. "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief." The only important thing is what are you doing about it? Alanon taught me I can't change the alcoholic, only myself. A big hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I agree with others- he is not in recovery and from your post,
his whole existence is geared toward making you miserable,
as though if he can't drink & be happy, you da_n well aren't
going to be happy either.
Take care of yourself, this is seriously emotionally draining stuff
and will do a lot of damage to you if allowed to go on too long.
Is there a timeline for his employment? Many people who
hold jobs are recovering from addiction and it is beneficial
for their recovery.
his whole existence is geared toward making you miserable,
as though if he can't drink & be happy, you da_n well aren't
going to be happy either.
Take care of yourself, this is seriously emotionally draining stuff
and will do a lot of damage to you if allowed to go on too long.
Is there a timeline for his employment? Many people who
hold jobs are recovering from addiction and it is beneficial
for their recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by Zukunft
So updating... but feeling soooo frustrated. Wow. My SO has all the symptoms of a “dry drunk” even though I hate labels. It’s so frustrating. No serious job hunting, little respect for boundaries (meaning they keep being irritatingly nudged), no humor, no interest in getting out to groups, forming new connections and certainly no nice hello or goodbye greetings. No smiles.
Plus. I’m apparently offering no moral support! The helping save a life and the 100 percent financial support, the long list of contactable people, the courtesy, politeness, the keeping things upbeat, the pressure-free environment is not enough. Apparently I’m insensitive, I have no idea how hard it is to deal with sobriety,I should ask about how they’re going more, I should be more understanding since I’ve done all my alcoholism homework (detecting a little or a lot of sarcasm there). Apparently I’m also even hoping for a relapse! After all I’ve done I get this. And the yelling continues. Either no talk (because to discuss anything involves talking about difficult issues that “can’t be discussed right now”) or yelling. More “Are you done?” More walking away from problems. More passive aggressive behavior. More denial. More manipulative maneuvering.
Oh, my friends I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t realize how frustrated I’d feel. Anyone else feeling the sting of the recovering angry partner? It’s bad enough that I am looking at leaving the country next year. Can only more so fast with work etc. So breathtakingly frustrated! Ok breathe in, now out. Thanks for letting me vent my friends! X
Plus. I’m apparently offering no moral support! The helping save a life and the 100 percent financial support, the long list of contactable people, the courtesy, politeness, the keeping things upbeat, the pressure-free environment is not enough. Apparently I’m insensitive, I have no idea how hard it is to deal with sobriety,I should ask about how they’re going more, I should be more understanding since I’ve done all my alcoholism homework (detecting a little or a lot of sarcasm there). Apparently I’m also even hoping for a relapse! After all I’ve done I get this. And the yelling continues. Either no talk (because to discuss anything involves talking about difficult issues that “can’t be discussed right now”) or yelling. More “Are you done?” More walking away from problems. More passive aggressive behavior. More denial. More manipulative maneuvering.
Oh, my friends I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t realize how frustrated I’d feel. Anyone else feeling the sting of the recovering angry partner? It’s bad enough that I am looking at leaving the country next year. Can only more so fast with work etc. So breathtakingly frustrated! Ok breathe in, now out. Thanks for letting me vent my friends! X
Go do something fun together, something of high value to both of you that is healthy and not a quick fix or mood changer of drugs or booze.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by CRRHCC
Your SO is in the process of discovering (hopefully) the main navigational tools in life which are values and purpose.
Go do something fun together, something of high value to both of you that is healthy and not a quick fix or mood changer of drugs or booze.
Go do something fun together, something of high value to both of you that is healthy and not a quick fix or mood changer of drugs or booze.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
I agree with others- he is not in recovery and from your post,
his whole existence is geared toward making you miserable,
as though if he can't drink & be happy, you da_n well aren't
going to be happy either.
Take care of yourself, this is seriously emotionally draining stuff
and will do a lot of damage to you if allowed to go on too long.
Is there a timeline for his employment? Many people who
hold jobs are recovering from addiction and it is beneficial
for their recovery.
his whole existence is geared toward making you miserable,
as though if he can't drink & be happy, you da_n well aren't
going to be happy either.
Take care of yourself, this is seriously emotionally draining stuff
and will do a lot of damage to you if allowed to go on too long.
Is there a timeline for his employment? Many people who
hold jobs are recovering from addiction and it is beneficial
for their recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
When an alcoholic stops drinking we expect things to get much better but it rarely does, at least not without a lot of hard work and a serious program of change. "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief." The only important thing is what are you doing about it? Alanon taught me I can't change the alcoholic, only myself. A big hug.
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