Surfbee

I'm doing okay thanks Kevlarsjal!

I say "okay" as right now I'm okay... but earlier today and the last few nights I've had more intense urges to reach out to ex...and today I saw that he posted pics on his instagram showing off that he's renovating his flat. Glad he's been doing productive things...this shows me that he's getting stronger in his mind - or, more likely, wants to give the world (and me) that impression... either way, still hurts to see him doing stuff that doesn't involve me! And meanwhile I'm sitting here breaking my heart...so I've been very tearful today.... a sense of dread for the future, dread in the present...

Thankfully I managed to calm down after I completed a task that was put on the back burner for ages (self care / positive action step / distraction )

So I'm feeling stronger before I go to bed ... and now that I'm aware that these urges are in fact addiction withdrawals it helps to rationalise what's really going on and gives me some sense of power now going forward. This is DAY 12 ! And I haven't contacted him so that's good.... !Hope I can keep this going...

Additional self care:

Ate a large bowl of broccoli ! lol
Tidied flat and arranged more flatmate viewings
Also signed up with a life coach! Seeing him tomorrow , and then my therapist afterwards

p.s.

But yes, both choose denial, blame or avoidance as strategies to not deal with life and its problems. Which in my opinion is a very immature approach. I think for my ex the lack of confidence and not believing in himself, fear of failing and also a certain level of entitlement ("things should just be easier", "a good relationship requires no work") combined with impatience really kept him from achieving things which would have maybe helped him to feel more capable and better about himself....

Completely relate to this. My ex said this a lot "It should be easy!" - and I'm like, yea but you won't make it easy if you continue to drink and bury your head in the sand whenever there is a problem ! But somehow I'd always end up blaming myself ..? And then I'd feel angry for blaming myself, and then angry at him for not understanding why I'd feel angry. And then feeling guilty for adding more pressure.... No wonder I'm now seeing a therapist! My confidence got shot to pieces !

trailmix

So good to hear you are both actively doing good things for yourselves, every little bit helps!

Yes, no doubt it was a show. Well posts like that are really anyway, he probably also knows you would see it and look how well i'm doing! I could be sitting here drinking and being sad but no, I'm redecorating my flat! Right.

Also remember he has alcohol to numb his feelings as Kevlarsjal was talking about, the avoidance.

So it should be easy. Well yeah, it can be pretty easy if both people are engaged and respectful and have the other person's back. It's not just easy because it "should" be. I know you know all this but how frustrating for you.

Then to top it off you start taking it on yourself and your confidence takes a hit (again and again).

You are both brave for sticking at no contact. Never discount that.

Do you see progress? Surfbee, what is that sense of dread about?

Surfbee

Thanks Trailmix! I'm still grieving the loss...missing him, thinking of the good times, still wishing things were better, but making progress too. I want to learn from all of this and improve myself so I have a richer happier life going forward. I don't want to worry about my partner's problems anymlre. I don't want to control anyone else's way of life. I don't want to allow myself to feel so angry, depleted or resentful because of someone else's choices and lifestyle.

The sense of dread is a fear of him not sorting himself out and coming back to me. Dreading him moving on to someone new. Dreading an uncertain future and not being in love again... I feel this 'dread' when I'm in a state of anxiousness and sadness... But right now, because that wave has passed, I feel okay and I know I'll get through this no matter what happens. And perhaps as time passes I might not need or want him to contact me.

Life coach session this morning got me thinking about how simple life can be... So I'm now defining and refining what my values are, and what my purpose is in life. And I want to live by this new internal compass I'm setting for myself. So making progress and feeling better today. Day 13!

Things are going to be fine. I just need to ride these waves of sadness and panic when they come. And try to be gentle on myself and patient...

And hopefully with my therapist, I will start to unpick more of the guilt and regret I have for the part I played in the relationship... I. E. If only I did that, if I only I knew what I know now, if only I took better care of myself...these are the thoughts that create anxiousness in me... The positive is that I will learn from all this going forward. Just wish my ex and I could sit down together and equally want to work it out together, "have each other's backs" as you said...x

Surfbee

Day 16 - no contact.

feeling I'm getting mentally stronger i.e. I'm able to get out of bed and 'function' more, go to shops. completing some tasks. Did yoga yesterday. Meditating and journaling each morning. But the bad moments feel really bad, maybe I"m getting more depressed - I don't know.

I'm going camping and surfing for the weekend with friend. I planned it to help me get away from this area. Weekends are hardest. And I'm dreading going away, doing anything, because everywhere I go I think of him. Knowing he isn't there to talk to at the end of the night. Knowing he isn't there for me at all.... . Bed feels like my only safe place.

Hope you're all doing okay. x