Surfbee

Thanks so much everyone. I want to hug you all!

Day 6 of no contact

My current female flatmate is aware of the guy flatmate's insane traits (who has now gone and left a path of destruction in his wake!) I expressed to her that what she does with him is up to her, but I want to know zilch about him. She said she doesn't think she'd want to keep a friendship .... Think being the operative word. And yet she admitted that she thinks he's a psychopath!
Jesus christ. He used to talk about how he fantasized about killing people, not kidding here! And how he has blocked 80 or 90 women on his whatsapp. And I saw a freaking quote in his bedroom. "don't let the bitches get in your head", the list goes on. But evidently we were 'charmed' by his good thoughtful side, and got sucked right in (was I that needy for external validation from some charming random new guy in the midst of my own problems with boyfriend? Probably!) until eventually I stopped finding him that nice and not very funny. A break-up with my alcholic boyfriend, and losing my 7 year home brings fresh perspective! Suddenly I felt the force of toxic people around me....And I couldn't consciously put a finger on why or what but I felt it .... And then BOOM - the fallout with flatmate at the weekend!

Ive had flatmates in my life for years and developed life long friendships with them. So this all totally new to me!!

So my current female flatmate has now become the go between myself and former guy flatmate who obv wants to wind me up by keeping that contact there. And since he won't let go of this, actually holding his keys and rent until October It feels very much like I'm unable to fully cut this chord right now. I can psychologically to a degree, but current flatmate is the link between us now.
.
If former guy flatmate really wanted to leave, cut off from me and go awol! Why hasnt he removed himself completely? Why hold keys and money as ransom? He is a loaded guy. He owns ten properties! Money is not an issue to him so why hold on? He said he won't pay anything if he finds out someone else rents the room in the meantime as "technically that room is his until end of Oct" even though he didn't pay up to that point!! Why not just leave! I blocked him, I thought, **** it, screw your money. Stay away. But then he wouldn't let go and sent my current flatmate messages about how I am a "ticking time bomb" says the guy who admits that he likes to mess with people's heads and yet he believes he's a " really happy guy" 🤔!!! Even his therapist asked him, "if you're so happy why do you keep coming to see me?" And right after this he cut her off.

I'm hoping this is all some kind of spiritual shift right now and this is why I see everything so much clearer now, and why old unhealthy relationships are fading away fast. But if I could move right now, I would! But nothing I can do except just give this a few months ... I. E. Can I find a new place elsewhere by then, and move on from current flatmate too. And will I be able to find peace with all of this by staying here for longer if needed ?

I need a plan. Need to decide what are the right steps going forward. Where can I find "home"? My xalBF was my home so I guess I'm trying to find home in me... Learning to be self reliant again... Independent... which isn't easy after being wjth someone like him who was Mr fix everything!

We broke up a couple of weeks ago so it is raw still in my heart... And before him I was very independent so what the hell happened!

I guess what I'm discovering is that it wouldn't really matter where the hell I was right now in terms of what bulding I lived in and who with, as I would still be suffering the loss of " home" ...Realizing this is my main pain ... Need to build home within.... And I need a plan...!!

Surfbee

DAY 6 - eve

Cleaned out former flatmate's room
Plastered the walls
Arranged some flat viewings for later this week
Made a healthy tomato pasta with green beans
Catching up with important paperwork
Feeling uggggh every time I think of ex, but resisting reaching out and reminding myself that it was my intuition that lead me to here.
Baby steps

trailmix

This thread is a great idea, great way to track your progress and see what is working for you. Also helps others!

That's amazing that you jumped in and got that room underway, good stuff there!

Surfbee

Thank you T

I realise I'm pouring my guts out on this site, and probably sharing way too much info...! But reading back my posts shows me where my emotional spikes and triggers are.... as oppose to journalling where my words would be ilegible due to scribbling down a stream of consciousness... here I can face my thoughts head on .... and along the way, others can join in (such as yourself Trailmix) and share insightful very wise feedback and their own self-care ! I'm very grateful for this website!

p.s. did something 'non self caring' and checked his facebook....he shared a random silly video... and it made me feel badd! It's the kind of thing he typically shares on a daily basis but he hadn't posted anything for a week which was rare for him (but got me thinking that maybe he's being quiet and reflective ?)... until tonight ...ugh ! Anyway I will not to do that again!

trailmix

So here is another story from relationship I had with the narcissist.

We break up, he moves back from where he came (yay!). He is a non-FB person as I know him, although he occasionally chats with a family member etc. It was probably more about hiding what a jerk he is than anything else.

Anyway, I had him as a friend on FB but we never even talked on there. My FB is restricted to immediate family only (and I mean immediate, not even cousins are allowed lol) - but I let him be on there.

So, day I stopped speaking to him or the day after, he posts. Changes his profile picture to one I had taken of him (which didn't even look like him anymore as he had cut his hair short).

Hey everyone, guess who's back! is what he posts. And they say he looks great and etc etc. Yeah well he had been "back" for 3 months already, had no job, was mooching off his "friends" (I use the term very loosely) and his Father and Brother, had been thrown out by the friends for getting drunk and arguing with the "friends" girlfriend, high tailed it back to dads house who didn't want him there either.

On FB he was all happiness and doing good stuff. Total BS.

Anyway, there must be a point here somewhere! He posted that for me to see (I deleted him and blocked him that same day).

Your ex may well be posting for that same reason, or maybe he's bored lol - either way, the point is it's not worth looking because no good can be found there.

kevlarsjal2

Hi Surfbee! Hi Trailmix!

I am familiar with that sting in the stomach when checking my ex's social media, hoping he'd actually do what he said why he ended it (his reason was to work on himself) but then I see he's just uploading lots of stuff to get approval from his 2000 friends or so (while he has not one close friend in real life)... he used to do this whenever we had problems. As soon as I wasn't giving him praise and an ego push he had to turn to the www. Or maybe he tries to ease some feelings of guilt about how bad he treated me, now waiting for everyone to tell him what a good guy he is.. I don't know and slowly I no longer care. He's so insecure, relies so much on outside confirmation and cares much more about what others think of him than he cares about other people's feelings. Not my type of guy!

And RE the pouring out your thoughts too much, I can only recommend it! It helped me so much now after the break up when I read back through my old threads from over a year ago, seeing that the relationship was already pretty bad then and my ex was just as abusive and promised change that never happened.
So no matter what happens in the future, having your feelings and thoughts written out here will be a valuable source I'm sure!

Today's self care was:
- therapy
- a walk
- sitting in the sun
- treating myself to vegan sushi for lunch (I'm not vegan btw, I eat mostly plant based but also a bit of dairy or eggs sometimes and even more seldom I eat fish, maybe a few times per year)
- eating a healthy dinner
- making some lovely little dessert and
- watching weird stuff on the television like a "are we descending from aliens?" documentary while working on my punch needle piece and drinking tea

trailmix

hi kevlarsjal! What a good choice to watch! Stuff like that can be interesting from time to time for sure. Handiwork and drinking tea are also great pursuits, you sound rather content!

Surfbee

Yes no good can be found there and yes it's all complete BS ! He always used it as a crutch... and know that really he is just feeling sad and lonely right now.

I think facebook has created a kind of illness in society... and all we can do is manage how we respond to it but I think it has messed with people's brain chemistry or something. It's like the worse kind of dysfunctional relationship you could have actually - you and facebook. lol

Going forward I'll not log in for a while as I always feel better when I don't use it for weeks!

Re him, I still got these feelings where I crave to see him, hear from him. I still want him to just appear and say i miss you, sorry can we start again...

He tried to build a life with me... but I know that you can't build a life on alcoholism or depression. Regardless of how talented he was at DIY, and how proactive he was in making a home with me... the very foundation of HIM, his inner child, his core being was unstable... and desperate to lean on me in the hope that it would all just work... and I too was desperate to lean on him too... so we both had our problems... but his significantly more intense and messy!!! At least I tried to look inwards whilst with him... I got so depressed last year and we both blamed that it was to do with my work at the time... that was the easiest thing to fix!

But we both knew deep down (and we admitted this eventually) that it was more to do with the dark cloud that was permeating our home - the dark cloud being the way he couldn't cope with his problems in relation to not being allowed to see his kids... his excessive drinking and chronic sadness...

and all the while, his high expectation of me to be this STRONG SUPPORT throughout it all. I don't think I'd felt so much heaviness before.

The first time I saw the dark blackout rage in him was last year when we went to a family party (my side of family), we had a great time until the very end of the night I noticed he was blind drunk and just flipped ... his personality changed, I was scared. I walked away got a taxi home. Then my mum called me worried and panicked, asking what happened to him. He'd ran away from everyone! ... God, so I went back to find him crashed on the street. I carried him into my taxi but couldn't get him out... eventually he rolled out jeez and so he just lay there on the freaking street downstairs... zonked out. I just left him there ! And went to bed numb with shock ...I couldn't sleep though, I felt sorry for him and so checked him again to find some dog walker with him calling an ambulance.... I asked myself wtf happened...he misses his kids this much it just pushed him over the edge? The paramedics struggled to to carry him upstairs... he woke up and went ******* crazy... he got verbally abusive then he physically attacked them... they called the police and he was thrown in jail. It was totally devastating. I'll never forget the anger in his eyes....all the fear that was behind them... he was like this really scared little boy. His dad was an alcoholic and committed suicide when he was a teenager ... i believe this was the source of his pain. The next day he came home and broke down. He was so ashamed... he said he would see a counsellor. But he didn't .... and I waited and waited...I got so depressed that it was ME who ended up seeking help. I saw a CBT expert for a few weeks .. this helped me come out of my mood for a while (and we both still blamed my temporary depression on me, that it was my work-related stress) ...but cbt didn't solve the issue and that was HIS issue... but I told myself that if I just learn to manage my emotions, and be strong for myself , then i'd be stronger for him... and therefore he'd become stronger...he'd be okay.... all I wanted was to settle, look forward to the future...( we both wanted that) but my life was delayed ... I had to wait... had to wait for him to be happy.... but it was knock after knock with his ex. We'd see his kids for a few months then she'd stop us seeing them for 8 months, then we'd see them again, then she'd stop it again for 6 months.

This was an ex from years ago btw - this wasn't his ex directly before me.... she was the one he went with directly after me... and was with her on and off for a few years. then he met someone else for 4 years... anyway I sensed the reason she started using the kids to hurt him like that was because by him getting back together with me it triggered a lot of old wounds in her... I could be wrong! but that's what i sensed.... so her problems, along with his problems, and then mine to boot, became a fusion of insanity. We didn't have a fricking chance from the get go. But the root of all of it boils down to ex's alcholism and codependency issues ...to even end up getting into that relationship with her. Anyway - I know i'm going on and on here! But just want to get this out.

He was a good loving dad... this was where he was happiest... being a dad...but all this baggage around me ... I mean it was challenging enough stepping up as stepmum! And his kids really liked me, and I did enjoy taking care of them.....but all the while I feel powerless and helpless in regards to them, his problems and in regards to his continued fight for access to them,. and then a few more flip out episodes later, and that hellish night at the music festival ....and here we are.! Exhausting.

I'm trying to move on and rebuild my life, and forgive myself for losing my home to him, forgive myself for hanging on to a broken person... but of course I hung on, because I loved him... still do... it's hard to let go because I understood him... I felt that we were both these two damaged souls that needed each other. we used to call each other 'home'... the love was there... we just didn't have a chance did we? it feels so unfair to love that much and then to lose it, to feel abandoned the way I feel now. i'm crying as I write this... I know this is something in me that I need to explore, forgive, let go, heal, and find something to fill that void... I know there will be better days to come and moments where I will feel happy again and full again... But it will also come back to remember this emptiness too...won't it? It won't just go away ?

Right now I feel pretty empty - another existential crisis hit maybe...wondering what the hell is all this about? Maybe I just need to learn to live with and accept that the sadness is part of me, as I can't change the past... but just try to tell myself that new healthy caring good people and healthy happy new experiences will enter into my life now that i'm right the right track of recovering...

but ! what concerns me is that I'm the one that is still hanging on to him... if he was to knock on my door right now and say lets start over... i'd hug him and want to say okay! ...even although i'd know that i'd be entering into a life of problems .... maybe this is what I feel most comfortable with? a life of problems? maybe I'm more afraid of the unknown - a healthy full drama free life - because I never really knew that? what does drama-free look like? where is the passion and real deep love in that? where is the love if there is no madness? isn't true love supposed to be illogical ? I feel like my whole identity is stripping away these last couple of weeks.. and it terrifies me.

x

p.s

DAY 7

trailmix

Yes, it can be terrifying. Remember though, you are still here, the sun came up this morning, in general all is right with your world. You have a job, a warm bed to sleep in, food, entertainment, people who love you.

I don't care much for this word but lack a replacement - mindfulness. And gratitude.

Now! Please know i'm not saying you are ungrateful! Not at all. It's just easy to forget sometimes how "well" our world is when we get stuck in a mire of sadness and regret and well, fear.

You wrote a lot about his ex restricting access to his children. Why does he not have a court order with regard to visitation? I don't know how old they are but I assume he has had years to settle this in court yet hasn't?

Another thing to consider is that he is an alcoholic and his children's Mother (who I don't know!) is probably the more stable parent? If he were my ex and we had children there would be huge worry at them spending any time with him.

Bottom line, the divorce rate is around 50% and many of those relationships have children involved yet 40% of the population aren't drinking over it.

It's a coping mechanism he has and can't really be explained by his lack of access to the children sometimes. Drinking/Alcoholism and children do not mix well. It's very destructive for children. He is who he is but any expectation of seeing his children on any regular basis needs to be dealt with sober and in a court. For some reason he has been unwilling to do that.

And if he showed up at your door, none of this would have changed. All in all you are probably feeling a tiny bit stronger now? Sad, confused maybe a bit angry with the world, but stronger. You aren't carrying all this around with you.

Once you have some distance, ideally, you will be looking at how dysfunctional all of that really was. Once you start to let it go and start looking at today you will realize that the burden is starting to be lifted. He is not there and you are still carrying all those rocks in your backpack.

Time to put the backpack down (or at least throw some of the rocks out).

trailmix

Yes, it's normal to be afraid of the unknown and you hit the nail on the head here. The idea of a life without this is probably pretty foreign right now, in fact probably pretty unimaginable. When you can muster some image of it, it probably doesn't even seem all that desirable?

I think that's where taking some time to reflect on all of this and on yourself is so beneficial. No, you aren't meant to live in a world of chaos and it will never be fun and easy and joyful. You deserve fun and joyful happiness and it's achievable and it's really hard to see right now.

Surfbee

Day 7 - evening

Met my friend for dinner and a movie and it was lovely to get out. Had a good heart to heart and it helped a lot.

Still sad but yes, a little stronger as time goes on.

Day 8 -

Gutted my flat! Starting to accept my new reality - this is my home now. And learning to love my home and be grateful I have a roof over my head

The waters have calmed today and I'm feeling a lovely softer feminine energy in my home now that the guy flatmate is away. We both realise how unhealthy his energy was in this flat.

Looks like we might have a new female flatmate coming from italy!

I even saw my ex whilst I was in a cafe in my neighbourhood - I saw him outside and he walked past twice with his sunglasses on ...pretty sure he wanted to talk to me, he seemed anxious... sad, but he didn't have the nerve to talk to me evidently. And I just wanted to run out to him but I told myself, no, "this will only give you short term gratification... and afterwards you'll feel like you've went backwards." For an hour afterwards I wished I just stepped out to see him but in the evening I was so GLAD I didn't. I felt stronger for it... grateful for following my intuition.

Tonight was a calm evening... healthy dinner.

And did some work too.

Day 9 - woke up feeling okay, meditated... and checked Sober Recovery site. And here I am


Thank you Trailmix!

For years they were up and down with disagreements on who did what, but had eventually come to an understanding that worked - so long as the mother's demands were adhered to.

I.e. before I got back with my ex, my ex and the mother shared a car. My ex did lots of DIY errands for the mother. There were times also that she would call him through the night and threaten to kill herself and leave the country... (all whilst he was in a 4 year relationship with his girlfriend prior to me) - I believe he played the part of pseudo boyfriend to her, and she was all too willing for that.

And then he gets back with me and she shows up at at new years party. And in front of me she tried to flirt with him, and acted like best buddies with him. He looked uncomfortable and stressed. And then she focused her attention on me began sharing very graphic stories about what it was like giving birth to their child.

Two days later she then told him that she was still in love with him.

I was prepared to walk away at this point - and oh I should have due to the RED FLAG but he immediately cancelled the car sharing and asked her to stop asking him to do things for her, and he wants to keep a distance, no more coming to parties etc, and conversations they have must be restricted to children only.

It was at this point she flipped and she stopped him from seeing the girls again and again.

For the last year, he has done mediation with her, and wanted to avoid going to court if they could help it, but finally after she stopped him from seeing them again, he is now in the process of taking court action.


I would say that it she who is most unstable. She's a pot head and parties hard every weekend. And she's still in love with the dad. She was adopted by her parents, and her adopted dad left. She believes that dad's leave. And so I think she's trying to create the same narrative for her children. (please note that one of the children isn't even my ex's biological daughter. - the biological father wanted nothing to do with her) .

So I would say the bottom line is very much they are both unstable to different degrees, but my ex is great dad and never drank when they visited. I believe that the mother just couldn't handle that he was trying move forward with me. At least he tried to anyway.


Yes I'm getting stronger now... taking out the rocks... but still very much love him and miss him. But thankfully taking the steps to take care of myself... taking little positive actions steps day to day... thanks so much Trailmix for listening to all this and sharing your insights. x

Surfbee

Yes... a life without toxic drama is quite foreign to me right now.... but I love lightness and harmony when I experience it... it just feels odd when it lasts for too long... I think my mind starts to look for some problem? I think I'm just very used to spikes of toxic drama occurring now and then. even although I hate it and want to run away when it happens, and I can spot it a mile off... but sadly I've found myself staying in the situation, and seeing a 'solution' to 'fix' it... and when the solution doesn't get solved by the person who is experienced blatant external toxic crap, this is when I will start to control the outcome by persuading them to sort it out. And then get impatient and frustrated if they don't!

The reality is that there will always be external toxic behaviours, people and situations.... and what I need to do is learn to accept that truth, and build up my own resilience, get a tougher skin, and just focus on me especially so on these instances.... and gradually the toxic trigger will have less of an impact.

There were days I would be okay during the dram fest with my ex and the mother of his kids... I would breeze through that day because I'd meditated, did yoga and generally filled my own cup. My ex would always respond well to me on these days.

But then there were the other days when I'd feel triggers. I'd see him moodily quietly drinking after some text she sent or something crap like that. And I'd end up criticising him for drinking because of her, for 'not coping'.... these were the arguments that effectively lead to us breaking up. He naturally felt he wasn't strong or good enough in my eyes... he felt like a failure for not coping well... I never wanted to hurt him or make him feel like a failure. I love who is he is... He was doing the best he could and he tried so hard with me. Even if we were both doing it all the wrong way, we tried. I mean, he had a fricking illness and I had no idea of its severity whilst I was with him. And I had no idea of my negative patterns either. Had no idea! Just makes me mad and how simple all of this really is... it's about two people who aren't coping well individually so naturally they will become reactive of one another... and if the couple continues to react like that then eventually they break. It maddens me... because we love each other and we were happy together when we didn't get stressed!

trailmix

Yes the toxic triggers will have less of an impact but still you need to move away from them, where possible? You don't want your life to be about "coping" with toxic people!

In that last paragraph I think i'm reading a lot of wistful thinking? Might be wrong but it reads like it is so simple and if you just realized what you were doing to yourselves you could have worked this out.

Well, that might be true BUT (and that is a big but) he doesn't show any sign of wanting to work on that (himself).

Surfbee

you've hit on something here... i'm very much used to "coping" or trying to cope with people close to me who show toxic behaviours...i.e. the two closest people to me - my sister, and my mum (mum has big drinking problem ). I want to be close to each of them, and at times we are very close, but we become too reactive to each other when either of us are stressed about something. And it hurts really bad when we fall out.

Tonight for instance, I'm feeling isolated and alone (even found myself wandering out the street in the hope I'd bump into exAL - I know ! Not good! ) I stopped what I was doing to reach out to sis and mum who can be incredibly supportive when they're emotionally available, but tonight they're too busy. My mum has been hot and cold as far as I can remember.

Yes...not seeing signs...other than remembering he said he was going to see a counsellor. But no communication since (other than him liking a post on my facebook) no clue what he's doing for himself.

Just very much missing all the good bits about him today...wondering what he's doing, how he's feeling. Anxious feelings.... It's horrible. Don't like today. x

kevlarsjal2

Hi Surfbee!

I felt similar for a while today. I had pretty weird and bad nightmares about my ex last night in which he was cruel and cold to me and for some reason we were back together (which I liked in that dream because I hoped that this meant he would really work on himself) but I was so scared of him. I felt like his prisoner. We were walking around a lake in nice and sunny autumn weather and we crossed paths with this girl I went to school with. I recognised her but I didn't dare speaking to her because my ex was in a weird mood (he felt like he was just on the edge) and I was so scared he would get upset and run off or shout at me or break up again. It is weird because this feeling was never really present to me during the relationship. Then I knew the risk was there and he could explode or get passive aggressive but I never felt consciously scared of him. It was more a wondering how to put things best so he would understand me right.
So I woke up feeling scared and confused by that dream but later today, I started to miss him so badly. I was going for a walk through a forest and some countryside-ish neighbourhoods and it reminded me of areas we were biking and walking through on weekend trips outside of the city. I was so sad that I couldn't share this moment with him and I missed going through these peaceful areas with him, holding hands, seeing him happy and relaxed and exchanging our thoughts, sharing our love for nature and details and I felt very lonely.

I started to ask myself the same questions again, why can't he just work on himself? Why wouldn't he just accept that his idea of a relationship isn't healthy? Why couldn't he just be like he was on those walks and trips we made? Why would he be such a insecure, mistrusting, negative and controlling stress head most of the time? Why would he be so lovely and gentle with me when we were relaxed but abusive, rude and aggressive at other times?

It really got sucked into that spiral again for a bit. The one thing that helps me out of it best is to remember that there will never be just the good side of him. (I know we all have our good and our bad side but I hope you understand how I mean it). As long as he doesn't confront his problems and works through them, he will simply not be able to be in a relationship or to even have a close friendship with anyone. It's not possible. And he is well aware that he needs to do this. He already said this when we first met. Still in the 2 years we were together he didn't even start working on his problems. He tried to convince himself (and me) that a relationship would work if I worked on myself to fit him better. It didn't do the trick. And I think at some point he noticed that. I was making progress but our relationship didn't improve. So now it was up to him, either he does the work in order to have this relationship. Or he ends the relationship so he doesn't have to deal with his issues. He chose the latter.

I don't know what made him decide that way. But it is a pattern for him. He hates his job but instead of going to uni and changing careers, he just stays in the same situation. Because he's not willing to put in that much work and he rather doesn't try to improve a situation than trying it and seeing himself fail. It's the same with his driver's license, he didn't ever have any driving lessons cause he's too scared he will fail. I guess it is just who he is. And unfortunately this part of him really gets in the way for him a lot of the time. So why would this be different for his relationships? He runs from responsibilities, from looking bad, from failing, from facing uncomfortable situations. And no matter how lovely times could be with him, he will never be a reliable partner. Or at least not unless he makes some significant changes in the way he approaches life.

That turned into a long rambling post. The base line of it being: Whenever you find yourself thinking too much about the good times or the good parts about him, get the other side of him into the picture. And remind yourself that it was not possible to be with him the way he is right now. And that it will not be possible until he changes. And that there is nothing you can do about it because it's his problems that affected the relationship and it was him who decided to not work on them in order to make things work.


Today's self care was:
- eating a healthy breakfast (a bowl of fresh fruit with soy yoghurt)
- going to a cat cafe!
- treating myself to a big slice of chocolate cake while I was there
- then going for a long walk to help my leg recover
- lots of stretching

NJ2001

I will join you! Tonight I said goodbye and going no contact starting by blocking. Tomorrow will be day 1 no contact.

Surfbee

Hey kevlarsjal! Thanks for sharing your story. I relate to this so much. My ExAb wanted to learn new things such as playing the guitar, i tried to teach him but could see he really struggled with not getting it perfect straight away, he was too impatient and just gave up after one lesson. And he didn't love his career but didn't want to change it...and yet he was a very smart creative guy...he didn't have the confidence to take risks, or just let go and relax, and I think this exacerbated his anxiety levels... and similar to your ex, he would prefer to avoid uncomfortable situations and drinking was the best escape. He suffers with anxiety so very highly stressed and this triggered him to go into 'freeze' mode where he'd end up avoiding problems and tasks for ages, and procrastinate. And he'd feel guilty and low because of this.... But when that phase would pass he'd suddenly be up and at 'em full throttle speed doing all kinds of crazy high energy tasks and would get loads done, but then he'd drink and burn out.... and so the cycle repeats.

Day 10

Last night and tonight I've had major separation anxiety waves. Wandering the streets again like a lost dog! I almost reached out... the urge was so strong! But I took deep breaths and considered how I'd feel afterwards .... and so pulled it back. Home now and feeling totally miserable. WHEN WILL THIS GET BETTER ?!!!! Weeks or months?

Self care:
Ate good breakfast and lunch
Went for a cycle
Saw my sister briefly
Had nice healing chat with my mum
watched a tv show - queen of the south!

p.s. meeting my friend tomorrow for a walk in the park... then meeting my therapist. Looking forward to a new day.

Surfbee

Hey NJ! Welcome, glad to have you here. How are you getting on today? Hope you're doing okay!

kevlarsjal2

They really do sound very similar in many ways. Just that mine didn't choose to drink as an escape anymore but these days just blamed others (mostly me) for his problems. And I don't think he felt much guilt for not getting things done or not taking care of stuff. He felt like life or people were treating him unfair. But yes, both choose denial, blame or avoidance as strategies to not deal with life and its problems. Which in my opinion is a very immature approach.
I think for my ex the lack of confidence and not believing in himself, fear of failing and also a certain level of entitlement ("things should just be easier", "a good relationship requires no work", "I should have more followers on instagram") combined with impatience really kept him from achieving things which would have maybe helped him to feel more capable and better about himself....



Well done on your self care, it seems like a good mix of being social, taking good care of your health and relaxation.

I can't tell you how long it will take for you to get past that separation anxiety. I think it differs a lot and there are so many factors involved. My relationship ended 2.5 months ago and I still get waves of sadness and missing him terribly, despite him being very nasty to me, especially after the breakup.
But most of the time I think it was good that he ended it and that he really wasn't able to be the partner I expected him to be. The thing that is currently hard for me is just how little he seemed to care about my feelings in the whole breakup, not even showing any interest in my physical recovery from the surgery and of course how he reacted to the miscarriage.
I wish I could tell you how to turn off those feelings of missing him and feeling lonely, but I don't have an answer to it. Just give it time, it will get better. Be patient and take good care of yourself like you do. Sometimes it will be much sooner that we will feel better than we expect.
I personally found that it helps me the most when I try to keep my thoughts away from him, when I think about what I want, make plans about my days but also about life and what I want to do. He was often against me spending time with friends, didn't like the idea of me going on holiday with a (female) friend, didn't like me visiting my family abroad, didn't like it when I went out for dinner with others, always had an opinion on how much I should work or study and suggesting I should spend less time doing non productive things. So lately I have just been enjoying doing all those things without being criticised for it or someone being sulky about it.
And as I said in my previous post. Whenever you find yourself thinking only about the good times and it makes you miss him, remind yourself of the reasons why it didn't work with you guys. Also, you don't actually need him, even if it feels like that. You were doing just fine before you got back together with him and you will be again! I'm sure


On today's self care menu was:
- sleeping in cause my body needed it
- bought a massage oil for sore muscles for my leg
- treated myself to a new higher end mascara (it made my lashes much longer than every other I have ever tried, I was impressed!) and got lots of free samples and goodies with my purchase
- went to a meeting / dinner with my friends

kevlarsjal2

How have you been doing Surfbee?