Angry. . .
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
"I see it differently"
"I think we have to agree to disagree on that"
"Thanks for your perspective"
"I guess we don't see eye to eye about [ex]"
"I respect your opinion even though I don't share it"
"I think we have to agree to disagree on that"
"Thanks for your perspective"
"I guess we don't see eye to eye about [ex]"
"I respect your opinion even though I don't share it"
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
"I was ‘teaching DD not to value STBXAH bc he struggles with depression, and sure he isn’t fun to be around but I need to teach her how to support him’. "
Teach a child how to support an adult with mental illness?
The mind boggles.
Teach a child how to support an adult with mental illness?
The mind boggles.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
^^^ and maybe I'm reaching here, but I really wonder about the gender assumptions in that statement - it's the responsibility of women/girls to support or "take care of" men/boys, and and subordinate our own well-being to theirs. I think this assumption about women's role may play a part in some of the intense guilt that women feel about asserting boundaries and/or leaving an alcoholic male partner.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh look, your SBTAH must be my XAH b/c he pulled the exact same crap, and still does!
If you listen to him, he is absolutely father of the year. Reality...he is involved in NOTHING. I even offered to pay for counseling if he would go w/the kids and waive child support during that time, and he still would not go!!!! Ha.
Just like someone else said. When you expect nothing, you won't be upset when you get nothing. Your kids will realize the same. It's very sad, but it's also reality.
Sending you a huge hug!
If you listen to him, he is absolutely father of the year. Reality...he is involved in NOTHING. I even offered to pay for counseling if he would go w/the kids and waive child support during that time, and he still would not go!!!! Ha.
Just like someone else said. When you expect nothing, you won't be upset when you get nothing. Your kids will realize the same. It's very sad, but it's also reality.
Sending you a huge hug!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh look, your SBTAH must be my XAH b/c he pulled the exact same crap, and still does!
If you listen to him, he is absolutely father of the year. Reality...he is involved in NOTHING. I even offered to pay for counseling if he would go w/the kids and waive child support during that time, and he still would not go!!!! Ha.
Just like someone else said. When you expect nothing, you won't be upset when you get nothing. Your kids will realize the same. It's very sad, but it's also reality.
Sending you a huge hug!
If you listen to him, he is absolutely father of the year. Reality...he is involved in NOTHING. I even offered to pay for counseling if he would go w/the kids and waive child support during that time, and he still would not go!!!! Ha.
Just like someone else said. When you expect nothing, you won't be upset when you get nothing. Your kids will realize the same. It's very sad, but it's also reality.
Sending you a huge hug!
I know I shouldn't expect anything from him at all. But its still tremendously hard for me to watch my kids suffer with heartbreak because of their father. I think that is where my angry stems from is that I cant fix their broken parent for them. I'm now seeing that is where my codependency begin trying to fix him and make him the Father that they deserve but it will never work.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have said it before, and I will always. There is nothing I have ever experienced so awful as to watch my children be hurt, over and over again, by their addict father. Even more so because we cannot make it any better for them.
I send you huge hugs and lots of understanding!
I send you huge hugs and lots of understanding!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Today's Friday and every Friday I get that lump in my throat and pit in my stomach feeling. My X would get wasted every weekend. His drinking was moderate during the week but the weekends I dreaded! We have been living separately for 2 years but I still get that same feeling.
Today's Trigger: I saw my X's "night time visitor" at the bank today. Every time I see her truck I get a sick feeling in my stomach. We were already going through a divorce when they begin seeing each other even though he still was calling me every night begging to talk about "things." After the conversation I had with her back in April I cant seem to understand why she would choose to be with a man who doesn't see his kids regularly, is 32 with a full-time job who lives with his parents, and has a drinking problem. My X and her work in the same warehouse. This woman's kids are related to me and my kids. We live in a small town were them being together would be considered scandalous. This woman's childrens father is my distant cousin and a drug addict. She was not raised by her parents but by a grandmother because her parents were drug addicts as well. She also leaves her kids (teens) alone at night to go and stay with my X at his parents house.
Its very painful because before it was the alcohol that took the time away from kids spending time with their father and currently it this woman now. I know that she hasn't been the only one he has been with since we have separated but its difficult to know about what he is doing and how its affecting my kids. There is no shame or guilt by either of them especially my X on how this will impact my kids when they find out.
There is not a chance in hell that I would ever want to be with my X again but its still hard for me to fathom that he threw away his marriage and family for alcohol and other women.
Today's Trigger: I saw my X's "night time visitor" at the bank today. Every time I see her truck I get a sick feeling in my stomach. We were already going through a divorce when they begin seeing each other even though he still was calling me every night begging to talk about "things." After the conversation I had with her back in April I cant seem to understand why she would choose to be with a man who doesn't see his kids regularly, is 32 with a full-time job who lives with his parents, and has a drinking problem. My X and her work in the same warehouse. This woman's kids are related to me and my kids. We live in a small town were them being together would be considered scandalous. This woman's childrens father is my distant cousin and a drug addict. She was not raised by her parents but by a grandmother because her parents were drug addicts as well. She also leaves her kids (teens) alone at night to go and stay with my X at his parents house.
Its very painful because before it was the alcohol that took the time away from kids spending time with their father and currently it this woman now. I know that she hasn't been the only one he has been with since we have separated but its difficult to know about what he is doing and how its affecting my kids. There is no shame or guilt by either of them especially my X on how this will impact my kids when they find out.
There is not a chance in hell that I would ever want to be with my X again but its still hard for me to fathom that he threw away his marriage and family for alcohol and other women.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
All that woman knows, or has ever known, is addiction. It's completely predictable that she would be drawn to something and someone familiar. It's extremely sad but I am very happy that you are as out of that brutal cycle as you can be while you still have to co-parent.
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mamavear...did it ever occur, to you, that your children would be better off the farther they are away from all of them...even your ex.....the closer they are to him, the more time spent in that mess.....?
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
All that woman knows, or has ever known, is addiction. It's completely predictable that she would be drawn to something and someone familiar. It's extremely sad but I am very happy that you are as out of that brutal cycle as you can be while you still have to co-parent.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamavear...did it ever occur, to you, that your children would be better off the farther they are away from all of them...even your ex.....the closer they are to him, the more time spent in that mess.....?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Ever hear the old saying, squeaky wheel gets the grease” ?
Seems to me , he is just making noise.
His actions and words are not matching.
Currently, he isn’t even making a half azz attempt, which leads me to believe in the near future, you will be hearing less from him. Wait, that is may not be entirely true, you will possibly be hearing every excuse in the book, as to why he CAN’T.
Hang in there, it will get easier, more will be revealed, and some of your valid concerns of today are going to magically disappear, kind of like him being the father of the year. ( insert eye roll)
Seems to me , he is just making noise.
His actions and words are not matching.
Currently, he isn’t even making a half azz attempt, which leads me to believe in the near future, you will be hearing less from him. Wait, that is may not be entirely true, you will possibly be hearing every excuse in the book, as to why he CAN’T.
Hang in there, it will get easier, more will be revealed, and some of your valid concerns of today are going to magically disappear, kind of like him being the father of the year. ( insert eye roll)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by marie1960
Ever hear the old saying, squeaky wheel gets the grease” ?
Seems to me , he is just making noise.
His actions and words are not matching.
Currently, he isn’t even making a half azz attempt, which leads me to believe in the near future, you will be hearing less from him. Wait, that is may not be entirely true, you will possibly be hearing every excuse in the book, as to why he CAN’T.
Hang in there, it will get easier, more will be revealed, and some of your valid concerns of today are going to magically disappear, kind of like him being the father of the year. ( insert eye roll)
Seems to me , he is just making noise.
His actions and words are not matching.
Currently, he isn’t even making a half azz attempt, which leads me to believe in the near future, you will be hearing less from him. Wait, that is may not be entirely true, you will possibly be hearing every excuse in the book, as to why he CAN’T.
Hang in there, it will get easier, more will be revealed, and some of your valid concerns of today are going to magically disappear, kind of like him being the father of the year. ( insert eye roll)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Update::::
So I found out that my STBAXH attended a concert at a casino last night with the woman he has been seeing. After obtaining this information now I have a picture on why he didn't attend the therapy session with DS11 on Tuesday. He had to choose which day to take off work which was between going to therapy session on Tuesday or attending concert/casino on Friday.....Father of the Year award goes tooo.... (eye roll). Thats why I saw the "night time visitor" at the bank pulling out money yesterday.
I'm thankful my kids don't spend that much time with him it's clear that his addictions and choices are not in the best interest of our children. It's sad.
So I found out that my STBAXH attended a concert at a casino last night with the woman he has been seeing. After obtaining this information now I have a picture on why he didn't attend the therapy session with DS11 on Tuesday. He had to choose which day to take off work which was between going to therapy session on Tuesday or attending concert/casino on Friday.....Father of the Year award goes tooo.... (eye roll). Thats why I saw the "night time visitor" at the bank pulling out money yesterday.
I'm thankful my kids don't spend that much time with him it's clear that his addictions and choices are not in the best interest of our children. It's sad.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
mamabear,
I promise, as you're able to put as much energy and focus into the good things of life rather than ex and his chaos, things will improve quickly for you and kids.
It simply works this way. I saw it before here and in other people. Now I'm experiencing it.
It's a choice. One day at a time. There's many paths to healing.
(((hugs)))
I promise, as you're able to put as much energy and focus into the good things of life rather than ex and his chaos, things will improve quickly for you and kids.
It simply works this way. I saw it before here and in other people. Now I'm experiencing it.
It's a choice. One day at a time. There's many paths to healing.
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212
mamabear,
I promise, as you're able to put as much energy and focus into the good things of life rather than ex and his chaos, things will improve quickly for you and kids.
It simply works this way. I saw it before here and in other people. Now I'm experiencing it.
It's a choice. One day at a time. There's many paths to healing.
(((hugs)))
I promise, as you're able to put as much energy and focus into the good things of life rather than ex and his chaos, things will improve quickly for you and kids.
It simply works this way. I saw it before here and in other people. Now I'm experiencing it.
It's a choice. One day at a time. There's many paths to healing.
(((hugs)))
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
What is reality?
The flower in plain sight that is full of vibrant color and shares it's goodness with bees, butterflies and hummingbirds?
Yes. This is reality. All of life, what I see, touch, feel, smell, hear and taste is reality. For me, the spiritual is also very much reality.
I get to choose what parts of reality I want to be a part of my awareness. Is it adding to my joy? Check! Add that in.
Is it not adding to the joy of life? Then quickly, gut feel: is it a danger to me in this moment? Is it a danger to kids, in this moment? If so, call 911, leave, choose something to do. Pray, follow, if you like, but if it's a dangerous situation, even if the realm of dealing with past emotions, get out and get safe. Get help. More support, more time with nature, good, safe places, whatever it takes.
Enjoy the movie. Keep in mind the sip of a soda, the taste and texture of a piece of popcorn can be more important than who is in the neighborhood, city or movie theater. Let kids have their experiences and focus on having full connections to your own experiences of this beautiful life. The rest will fall into place.
The flower in plain sight that is full of vibrant color and shares it's goodness with bees, butterflies and hummingbirds?
Yes. This is reality. All of life, what I see, touch, feel, smell, hear and taste is reality. For me, the spiritual is also very much reality.
I get to choose what parts of reality I want to be a part of my awareness. Is it adding to my joy? Check! Add that in.
Is it not adding to the joy of life? Then quickly, gut feel: is it a danger to me in this moment? Is it a danger to kids, in this moment? If so, call 911, leave, choose something to do. Pray, follow, if you like, but if it's a dangerous situation, even if the realm of dealing with past emotions, get out and get safe. Get help. More support, more time with nature, good, safe places, whatever it takes.
Enjoy the movie. Keep in mind the sip of a soda, the taste and texture of a piece of popcorn can be more important than who is in the neighborhood, city or movie theater. Let kids have their experiences and focus on having full connections to your own experiences of this beautiful life. The rest will fall into place.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
You are human, flesh and blood, child of God/Universe/Mother Earth. You are not your anxieties. They are a normal reaction to very traumatic experiences your body is learning to release.
All is well.
One moment at a time.
All is well.
One moment at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212
What is reality?
The flower in plain sight that is full of vibrant color and shares it's goodness with bees, butterflies and hummingbirds?
Yes. This is reality. All of life, what I see, touch, feel, smell, hear and taste is reality. For me, the spiritual is also very much reality.
I get to choose what parts of reality I want to be a part of my awareness. Is it adding to my joy? Check! Add that in.
Is it not adding to the joy of life? Then quickly, gut feel: is it a danger to me in this moment? Is it a danger to kids, in this moment? If so, call 911, leave, choose something to do. Pray, follow, if you like, but if it's a dangerous situation, even if the realm of dealing with past emotions, get out and get safe. Get help. More support, more time with nature, good, safe places, whatever it takes.
Enjoy the movie. Keep in mind the sip of a soda, the taste and texture of a piece of popcorn can be more important than who is in the neighborhood, city or movie theater. Let kids have their experiences and focus on having full connections to your own experiences of this beautiful life. The rest will fall into place.
The flower in plain sight that is full of vibrant color and shares it's goodness with bees, butterflies and hummingbirds?
Yes. This is reality. All of life, what I see, touch, feel, smell, hear and taste is reality. For me, the spiritual is also very much reality.
I get to choose what parts of reality I want to be a part of my awareness. Is it adding to my joy? Check! Add that in.
Is it not adding to the joy of life? Then quickly, gut feel: is it a danger to me in this moment? Is it a danger to kids, in this moment? If so, call 911, leave, choose something to do. Pray, follow, if you like, but if it's a dangerous situation, even if the realm of dealing with past emotions, get out and get safe. Get help. More support, more time with nature, good, safe places, whatever it takes.
Enjoy the movie. Keep in mind the sip of a soda, the taste and texture of a piece of popcorn can be more important than who is in the neighborhood, city or movie theater. Let kids have their experiences and focus on having full connections to your own experiences of this beautiful life. The rest will fall into place.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
From Jason Mraz, a song game:
Take a word or phrase and turn it into a song. Keeps the brain in tune.
We each have this in us. Simply tap in to what's inside you. Allow God to guide the path to this. Serious fun.
Take a word or phrase and turn it into a song. Keeps the brain in tune.
We each have this in us. Simply tap in to what's inside you. Allow God to guide the path to this. Serious fun.
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