Angry. . .

Old 08-09-2018, 03:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Angry. . .

I have been feeling very angry for the last 2 days.

Trigger: On Tuesday I took my older son to his 2nd therapy session. My younger son had picture day at school and couldn't make it. The last therapy session we had was in late June. My STBAXH was present for the first session. The day after the first therapy session my X texted me asking when the next therapy appointment was scheduled. I sent him a text with the date and time of appointment. He responded "ok...thanks."

On Tuesday, my DS11 asked me, as we were on our way to appointment, if he Dad was going. I told him I'm not sure and I let DS11 know that I did send his Dad the date and time of the appointment when he asked. Surprise...surprise my X didn't show up. My DS11 and I did the therapy session, it was good. The therapist asked where my X was and I told her that I had not idea where he was at. We also had an open discussion about my X not showing up for events, appointments, activities for kids as missing the therapy session was a perfect example. My son expressed that he "doesn't care" whether his Dad shows up or not but the therapist and I agree that it truly does hurt him deep down inside. The therapist gave me some good feedback on what I can do for my boys such as try to spend time with them separately once in a while as they have different interests. My therapist said it is important for me to be the strong stable figure in my kids lives since their Dad isn't willing to do so. She also suggested that I try to put restrictions during visitation about Dad drinking while kids are their. I told her I have stipulation in place during visitation when divorce is finalized.

My feelings: I feel so upset at the fact that he didn't show. And I think this is where all the emotional and verbal abuse comes in …. he would constantly hound me about me not letting him be a "Father" to our boys. Showing up to therapy is a productive start for him to bridge the gap between his relationship with his kids but he fails to attend important events.

The denial and blame from his mother also kicks in. The last conversation I had with her which was back in March where she told me (when she unexpectedly showed up to my parents house) "He has every right to see his kids", "His kids are a priority when they are with him" and "He tries to call you and DS11 but neither of you answer his calls." I kept my composure because I had a mouth full of words that weren't nice to say the least. I'm pretty sure my XMIL is unaware that her "son" has missed several important events for his "kids".

I feel like I'm constantly on the defense when it comes to my X and his family. They are in complete denial of his addiction and lack of parenting but for some reason everything is always my fault. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for my kids to have a good healthy childhood and my X and his family are doing everything to tear that apart. I have so much angry towards them. I am glad that I don't have verbal communication with anyone in that family but I do worry about how they influence my boys. I pray to God everyday to protect my kids when they are with their Dad and his family. I have constant worry and fear about their future and how they are negatively impacted by their Dad and his family. I know its all in God's hands but it is so hard.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 04:46 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alanon was a huge help in letting go of expectations and stop projecting about what may or may not happen in the future. Your X is an alcoholic and this is typical behavior; I would try accepting that and moving on with your life. Sounds like you have a wise therapist who offers very useful suggestions. Of course other people can be irritating, they don't understand the disease; can you reduce time with them? I admire your ability to hold your tongue. Planning quality time with your children is a big benefit to both of you, one of the most positive things you can do right now. Big hug!
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 05:36 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
BoxinRotz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Once had an old man blame me for obscene crap. My mouth dropped open and I asked him point blank... Why would you blame me?! He laughed at me and asked me... Why would I blame myself when I can blame you!

A fool would never take responsibility.
BoxinRotz is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 06:16 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Alanon was a huge help in letting go of expectations and stop projecting about what may or may not happen in the future. Your X is an alcoholic and this is typical behavior; I would try accepting that and moving on with your life. Sounds like you have a wise therapist who offers very useful suggestions. Of course other people can be irritating, they don't understand the disease; can you reduce time with them? I admire your ability to hold your tongue. Planning quality time with your children is a big benefit to both of you, one of the most positive things you can do right now. Big hug!
I wish I could make an Alanon meeting regularly but my work and school schedule makes it hard to attend weekly. My expectations for my X is down to 0 but I guess I anticipate some negative talk from him about how "I don't let him be a Father." I guess I'm still processing all the verbal and emotional abuse I have endured. Thank you for the feedback : )
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 06:17 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post
Once had an old man blame me for obscene crap. My mouth dropped open and I asked him point blank... Why would you blame me?! He laughed at me and asked me... Why would I blame myself when I can blame you!

A fool would never take responsibility.
So true
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:13 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
He sounds like a classic alcoholic. Expect nothing.

With respect to his family, do you have a stock of bland responses you can use if they start in on how he's really a good guy and wants to be a great dad? I have had some success with:

"I see it differently"
"I think we have to agree to disagree on that"
"Thanks for your perspective"
"I guess we don't see eye to eye about [ex]"
"I respect your opinion even though I don't share it"

Another concept that really helped me was "don't JADE" - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. If you find yourself doing any of those (and addicts are masters at manipulating conversations around so that you're JADEing - because that takes the heat off them and also keeps you engaged), stop talking.

It is really infuriating to have to deal with these kind of situations, so I empathize with you!
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:19 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Mama bear.. I think you commented on my post earlier today about my toxic STBXMIL. I understand how triggering it is and the level of energy it sucks to let go of comments like your mother in law made. My sister in law text and said many enabling, blaming things like this. She was acting as a third party to communicate about visitation with STBXAH bc of a no contact order of protection. I held my tongue, tried healthy detachment and deescalation, and stayed mute when she said off topic manipulative things. Like that I was ‘teaching DD not to value STBXAH bc he struggles with depression, and sure he isn’t fun to be around but I need to teach her how to support him’. I found the blaming and comments escalated the healthier and calmer I was. There was NO RESPONSE I could have to get a healthy dialogue and focus on visitation facts. So you know what? I finally put it all in an email, told her the conversations were not productive and i wouldn’t be communicating with her any more. Sadly, sometimes as hard as we try to stay zen, they just don’t respond to normal. I guess this is a long winded way of saying, you have every right to do anything and everything to protect yourself. You don’t have to listen to garabage. Tell your MIL to get off your property or close the door or anything you need to keep your sanity. Cause you ARE the stable parent!

Sorry you are going through this and that your X no showed your son. It sucks. It just totally sucks. Not surprising and I get we’re not supposed to have expectations but I am so ANGRY when my DD is the one impacted by X. I try to detach but easier said then done. If you find a way to cope with anger in a healthy way, please share!
fml23 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:32 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
I need to teach her how to support him’.
Seriously? That is some serious quacking right there.
trailmix is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Seriously? That is some serious quacking right there.
Well, yes! The funniest/saddest part is nowhere in this essay long text (I was trying to confirm pick up times, LOL) did she reference that he: a) choked me and that’s why he doesn’t live with us b) is an alcoholic (he has just left rehab- don’t think that’s just depression).

I just totally get how enraging it is to bust your butt to make sure the kids get some sense of normalcy and then the quakers are just quacking away not caring about what the kids need at all. But, I think the fact they are in therapy is brilliant.
fml23 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:40 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
he would constantly hound me about me not letting him be a "Father" to our boys.
And speaking of quacking. This sounds like deflection at its finest. If he ever had any serious conviction about being a "Father" he would have shown up for the therapy session. It's all just talk - it's the look for action not words scenario.

It's got to be infuriating, I totally understand that, just reading your post made me a bit angry!

What also came to mind was not your monkeys - not your circus. What a mess they are.

I grew up with an alcoholic in our house. He had lots of family - brothers and sisters, lots of nieces and nephews. My Mother had very few that lived nearby. We never got to know those cousins, the Aunts and Uncles a bit. Now part of it is we moved away for long periods but part of it is we weren't going to visit anyone on any kind of regular basis.

Point being, they had zero influence on us and I now see that is the way my Mother planned it.

It must be so difficult when you can't be on hand to diffuse things. The thing is, by detaching yourself and your emotions from them, you will become even more of that strong parental figure that you need to be.

It will be tough. I'm glad you have your therapist and I hope she will be of even more help going forward, you need support, that is for sure. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I wonder if he realizes that his family being out of control reflects badly on him? Perhaps if he did he might stop playing the victim.
trailmix is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:44 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Leana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
They may be in denial now but that won't last for long. After the divorce is final and you are out of the equation they won't have a buffer. AH will need someone to take your place and who else but them? They will get a first hand view of horror you've lived for years. It is inevitable.
Leana is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:52 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
He sounds like a classic alcoholic. Expect nothing.

With respect to his family, do you have a stock of bland responses you can use if they start in on how he's really a good guy and wants to be a great dad? I have had some success with:

"I see it differently"
"I think we have to agree to disagree on that"
"Thanks for your perspective"
"I guess we don't see eye to eye about [ex]"
"I respect your opinion even though I don't share it"

Another concept that really helped me was "don't JADE" - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. If you find yourself doing any of those (and addicts are masters at manipulating conversations around so that you're JADEing - because that takes the heat off them and also keeps you engaged), stop talking.

It is really infuriating to have to deal with these kind of situations, so I empathize with you!
Thank you Sasha for the tips! I will probably use some of them in the future. I'm trying to adjust my communication and responses towards him and his family. I can sometimes be quick tempered and react verbally and mouth off. I'm trying to work on that about myself not argue or defend so much.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 08:01 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
Mama bear.. I think you commented on my post earlier today about my toxic STBXMIL. I understand how triggering it is and the level of energy it sucks to let go of comments like your mother in law made. My sister in law text and said many enabling, blaming things like this. She was acting as a third party to communicate about visitation with STBXAH bc of a no contact order of protection. I held my tongue, tried healthy detachment and deescalation, and stayed mute when she said off topic manipulative things. Like that I was ‘teaching DD not to value STBXAH bc he struggles with depression, and sure he isn’t fun to be around but I need to teach her how to support him’. I found the blaming and comments escalated the healthier and calmer I was. There was NO RESPONSE I could have to get a healthy dialogue and focus on visitation facts. So you know what? I finally put it all in an email, told her the conversations were not productive and i wouldn’t be communicating with her any more. Sadly, sometimes as hard as we try to stay zen, they just don’t respond to normal. I guess this is a long winded way of saying, you have every right to do anything and everything to protect yourself. You don’t have to listen to garabage. Tell your MIL to get off your property or close the door or anything you need to keep your sanity. Cause you ARE the stable parent!

Sorry you are going through this and that your X no showed your son. It sucks. It just totally sucks. Not surprising and I get we’re not supposed to have expectations but I am so ANGRY when my DD is the one impacted by X. I try to detach but easier said then done. If you find a way to cope with anger in a healthy way, please share!
Yes, I did comment on your thread earlier. I can totally empathize with you on dealing with enabling MIL's. I haven't had direct contact with my XMIL since May when she unexpected showed up to my house on my son's bday while I had family and friends over for a party. This was the last straw for me. She was not invited and did this on purpose to draw attention. She had all day to wish my son a HBD but she choose to wait until I had a house full of people to do so. I told my X about her showing. He said he would talk to her. Then I sent her a text asking her to ask me before hand if she would like to see kids and that she needed to stop showing unexpectedly to my home, parents home and kids school without my knowledge or permission. I haven't heard from her since. I had no choice but to establish boundaries with her. Im still learning how to work through the angry and I will definitely share with you how and when I reach that stage of complete peace : )
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 08:12 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
And speaking of quacking. This sounds like deflection at its finest. If he ever had any serious conviction about being a "Father" he would have shown up for the therapy session. It's all just talk - it's the look for action not words scenario.

It's got to be infuriating, I totally understand that, just reading your post made me a bit angry!

What also came to mind was not your monkeys - not your circus. What a mess they are.

I grew up with an alcoholic in our house. He had lots of family - brothers and sisters, lots of nieces and nephews. My Mother had very few that lived nearby. We never got to know those cousins, the Aunts and Uncles a bit. Now part of it is we moved away for long periods but part of it is we weren't going to visit anyone on any kind of regular basis.

Point being, they had zero influence on us and I now see that is the way my Mother planned it.

It must be so difficult when you can't be on hand to diffuse things. The thing is, by detaching yourself and your emotions from them, you will become even more of that strong parental figure that you need to be.

It will be tough. I'm glad you have your therapist and I hope she will be of even more help going forward, you need support, that is for sure. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I wonder if he realizes that his family being out of control reflects badly on him? Perhaps if he did he might stop playing the victim.
Honestly I feel like they are all on the same page. Trying to make it seem like he is "trying" to be a stable Dad so that he doesn't lose custody. About a year ago, my sons and I saw her walking out of Rite Aid with a case of Corona beer on Tuesday evening. She makes beer runs for her two alcoholic sons and husband. Just recently in May, my sons and I were at Fastrip putting gas and walks out their Uncle's girlfriend who lives with them with beer on a Wednesday evening. She also makes beer runs for the household my X lives in. I've seen it myself in the past. That whole house is a mess. I don't talk to anyone who lives there. That's why I have so many concerns about my boys visiting. I did share this with my therapist. This situation sucks. I pray with time it gets better.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 08:14 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
Yes, I did comment on your thread earlier. I can totally empathize with you on dealing with enabling MIL's. I haven't had direct contact with my XMIL since May when she unexpected showed up to my house on my son's bday while I had family and friends over for a party. This was the last straw for me. She was not invited and did this on purpose to draw attention. She had all day to wish my son a HBD but she choose to wait until I had a house full of people to do so. I told my X about her showing. He said he would talk to her. Then I sent her a text asking her to ask me before hand if she would like to see kids and that she needed to stop showing unexpectedly to my home, parents home and kids school without my knowledge or permission. I haven't heard from her since. I had no choice but to establish boundaries with her. Im still learning how to work through the angry and I will definitely share with you how and when I reach that stage of complete peace : )
Ack! Are you sure our Xs aren’t related?? I know all about using children’s bday parties and public events to draw attention. Sounds like you handled this beautifully so I hope you give yourself credit! Funny how they go no contact when a totally normal boundary is established...

Today I worked through my deep rage by dancing around the ABBA in my living my room and playing freeze dance with DD. It was ridiculous but I felt better. That’s all I got. Physical movement is the only thing I have found when I feel the churning anger.
fml23 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 08:18 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Leana View Post
They may be in denial now but that won't last for long. After the divorce is final and you are out of the equation they won't have a buffer. AH will need someone to take your place and who else but them? They will get a first hand view of horror you've lived for years. It is inevitable.
I believe they are fully aware of what he is capable of. My MIL in the past has cried to me saying "maybe if she had spent more time with him when he was younger he would have turned our different" but then she turns the next minute saying "he gives the kids all his time and attention" *rolling eyes* (yeah right). She told me when he was a teen she would be out looking for him at different parties because he would get drunk and not want to come home. She would chase him around town. His parents are aware of how he can get. They just try to cover up and lie for him so he doesnt lose custody of his kids.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 09:01 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I had a mini-breakthrough when I realized that my ex doesn't really care about being a parent. He cares about the idea of himself as a great dad, and so his actions will maximize that idea while minimizing any of the work of raising a child. There is no inconsistency - he is behaving in a way that is completely consistent with his own values. It's necessary for him to believe that the only reason why he isn't parenting is because of me and my irrational hostility, because believing that allows him to reconcile his idea of himself as a would-be great dad with the reality that he's doing nothing to raise his child, conveniently leaving alcohol and craziness out of the equation. Maybe something similar going on with your XILs?
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 09:07 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
Ack! Are you sure our Xs aren’t related?? I know all about using children’s bday parties and public events to draw attention. Sounds like you handled this beautifully so I hope you give yourself credit! Funny how they go no contact when a totally normal boundary is established...

Today I worked through my deep rage by dancing around the ABBA in my living my room and playing freeze dance with DD. It was ridiculous but I felt better. That’s all I got. Physical movement is the only thing I have found when I feel the churning anger.
It sounds like they are related...Lol

I guess I am the Wick Witch from the West because I have established boundaries...haha

I agree. Playing a board game or watching a movie with my boys helps me relax and detach from my anger. Baby steps for both of us : )
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-09-2018, 09:16 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
I had a mini-breakthrough when I realized that my ex doesn't really care about being a parent. He cares about the idea of himself as a great dad, and so his actions will maximize that idea while minimizing any of the work of raising a child. There is no inconsistency - he is behaving in a way that is completely consistent with his own values. It's necessary for him to believe that the only reason why he isn't parenting is because of me and my irrational hostility, because believing that allows him to reconcile his idea of himself as a would-be great dad with the reality that he's doing nothing to raise his child, conveniently leaving alcohol and craziness out of the equation. Maybe something similar going on with your XILs?
I totally agree. I feel like my X only does certain things for the kids because he is seeking some sort of self gratification...to make himself feel not so crappy. He walled around like "Father of the year" after the first therapy session. Like he did something so marvelous. When in fact the reason why we were all there was because of him. But of course its easier to blame me and not himself when he doesnt show up for kids. I've caught on to his games.

I have no idea what's going with my XIL's. My XMIL wanted her son back so bad. She got him, now she can keep him and deal with him. I'm washing my hands clean. My parents and I often refer to my X and his family as the "village of idiots" because it's sometimes unbelievable that grow adults behave the way that they do.
mamabear26 is offline  
Old 08-10-2018, 03:32 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I always loved the J.A.D.E. acronym when dealing with my stepson.

I learned it is pointless to:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
...anything to an addict or to family dysfunction. Gets me no where...like my head against a brick wall!
Seren is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:24 AM.