Tips/Advice please. . .
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Tips/Advice please. . .
So for the last 2 days my STBAXH has been calling multiple times then sending a text to ask if he could talk to boys. I asked both my sons' if they would want to talk to their father on the phone. They both said no. My boys are 11 and 7. I'm certain since I know his patterns so well that he is already drinking when he is calling and texting me. He drinks as soon as he gets out of work. My 11 year old son has an app on his tablet where he can receive calls and texts. His father has his number and does try to call and text him weekly but my son chooses not to speak to him. The last time he answered his phone call he was drunk, slurring his words and repeating himself telling my son "I'm your father not your friend" over and over again. Since then my son only speaks to him every other weekend during his visitation time. He does sometimes choose not to go with him during his scheduled visits. My X does get upset but doesn't force him to go.
My question is I don't want to continue this pattern where he calls multiple times in a row then asks to speak to kids. I have been texting him back that they don't want to speak to him for that day. He replies back "ok...thank you" *eye roll*. I feel like the middle person. I don't feel like it is my job to facilitate a relationship between my X and my sons, that's his job to create a stable relationship. I feel like telling him to contact my older son directly. And if he responses to him or not that is between them. Would that be wrong of me to say???
My question is I don't want to continue this pattern where he calls multiple times in a row then asks to speak to kids. I have been texting him back that they don't want to speak to him for that day. He replies back "ok...thank you" *eye roll*. I feel like the middle person. I don't feel like it is my job to facilitate a relationship between my X and my sons, that's his job to create a stable relationship. I feel like telling him to contact my older son directly. And if he responses to him or not that is between them. Would that be wrong of me to say???
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MB,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have two kids 24 & 26. They two don't talk to their Dad for weeks. It's his birthday tomorrow and DD24 dreads calling him tomorrow for his birthday since they have not talked in a month. Of course axh will blame me on how I poisoned them against him. blah blah. Phone calls are a two way street.
I wish I had words of encouragement. I am sure you will have a divorce decree soon and he might enforce his "weekends" with the kids. All you can do is enforce that if he is drinking, driving or drunk around the kids, to have them call you and you can remove them from his home.
I am sorry, it doesnt get any better the older they become.
((((hugs))))))
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have two kids 24 & 26. They two don't talk to their Dad for weeks. It's his birthday tomorrow and DD24 dreads calling him tomorrow for his birthday since they have not talked in a month. Of course axh will blame me on how I poisoned them against him. blah blah. Phone calls are a two way street.
I wish I had words of encouragement. I am sure you will have a divorce decree soon and he might enforce his "weekends" with the kids. All you can do is enforce that if he is drinking, driving or drunk around the kids, to have them call you and you can remove them from his home.
I am sorry, it doesnt get any better the older they become.
((((hugs))))))
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mamabear…...this is just my own opinion....so take it for what it is worth....
Since the boys are so young...I think they should be protected from the antics of a drunk dialing alcoholic....
If they were in their late teens...then I think it becomes a bit different....as an older child can handle more boundary making with a dysfunctional or abusive parent.....
Also, when somone is drunk...like their father....they do not remember much, if any, if what they do, anyway...much of it is lost in the black out....
Thus, I think you can be as severe as you want to in establishing and enforcing boundaries with him on the communications....
Since the boys are so young...I think they should be protected from the antics of a drunk dialing alcoholic....
If they were in their late teens...then I think it becomes a bit different....as an older child can handle more boundary making with a dysfunctional or abusive parent.....
Also, when somone is drunk...like their father....they do not remember much, if any, if what they do, anyway...much of it is lost in the black out....
Thus, I think you can be as severe as you want to in establishing and enforcing boundaries with him on the communications....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
My opinion is the same as Dandylions. I think they are still too young to be having direct contact with a drunk person (parent or otherwise).
They still need your protection here I think.
Yes, boundaries and agree with Dandylion again.
If he is able to call your older Son he will just do the same thing to him that he does to you. Continuous calling and texting when drunk. It's upsetting for you, I can see why and it will certainly be upsetting for him.
Is there any reason why you have to take his calls and texts or are you just trying to not rock the boat? I would be clear, you can text once if you want to speak to them but if it's a no please don't continue to call, thanks. That's it. If he does, I would just mute him for the rest of the day.
Personally I would remove the app from the younger Son's tablet as well. No, you are not responsible to foster a relationship between them.
They still need your protection here I think.
Yes, boundaries and agree with Dandylion again.
If he is able to call your older Son he will just do the same thing to him that he does to you. Continuous calling and texting when drunk. It's upsetting for you, I can see why and it will certainly be upsetting for him.
Is there any reason why you have to take his calls and texts or are you just trying to not rock the boat? I would be clear, you can text once if you want to speak to them but if it's a no please don't continue to call, thanks. That's it. If he does, I would just mute him for the rest of the day.
Personally I would remove the app from the younger Son's tablet as well. No, you are not responsible to foster a relationship between them.
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I agree with others that sag that your sons need protecting from a drunk and manipulative father, and you as their sole carer are naturally going to be that person.
However, what perhaps could be looked at in more detail might be your own boundaries around how and when you are contacted by your ex. Are there specific times or circumstances that it is acceptable for him to contact? What will you do if he contacts at times or under circumstances that are not acceptable.
I'm a novice here, (coming more from the alcoholic in recovery side, living with a problematic drinker) but it seems to me that as he is still in active alcoholism he is not going to reliably respect any boundaries that you put in place to protect you or your sons, so it's important to find ways of enforcing them. In the UK (so imguessing elsewhere as well) it's possible to buy real cheap mobile phones that are pay as you go. Could you get one specifically for him to contact on, and block him on your main phone. That way no matter when he calls or texts, you can enforce your own boundaries by onky checking that phone at the agreed times.
Of course, he s likely to say, what if it is an emergency or some such nonsense, but police and hospitals can contact on that number and their messages picked up just the same way. There is no emergency in which you're responsible for him.
Are you attending AlAnon or similar? If not it may be worth considering, as from what i hear they're pretty good at helping people establish and maintain boundaries.
BB
However, what perhaps could be looked at in more detail might be your own boundaries around how and when you are contacted by your ex. Are there specific times or circumstances that it is acceptable for him to contact? What will you do if he contacts at times or under circumstances that are not acceptable.
I'm a novice here, (coming more from the alcoholic in recovery side, living with a problematic drinker) but it seems to me that as he is still in active alcoholism he is not going to reliably respect any boundaries that you put in place to protect you or your sons, so it's important to find ways of enforcing them. In the UK (so imguessing elsewhere as well) it's possible to buy real cheap mobile phones that are pay as you go. Could you get one specifically for him to contact on, and block him on your main phone. That way no matter when he calls or texts, you can enforce your own boundaries by onky checking that phone at the agreed times.
Of course, he s likely to say, what if it is an emergency or some such nonsense, but police and hospitals can contact on that number and their messages picked up just the same way. There is no emergency in which you're responsible for him.
Are you attending AlAnon or similar? If not it may be worth considering, as from what i hear they're pretty good at helping people establish and maintain boundaries.
BB
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
and the other side of the coin, you certainly do not want to end up in front of the judge over this matter.
The judge told me, It is my duty as The custodial parent to promote a healthy , well balanced relationship with the non custodial parent. If I was unable to fulfill my obligation, with a swipe of his pen, he would award custody to my ex husband.
There definitely needs to be some established guidelines here regarding phone calls, my concern is the jerk will spin this on you and make you look like the bad guy.
I also would remove the app if it isn’t helpful. I am so sorry this is happening, your kids should not have to endure their father’s drunken babbling crap.
The judge told me, It is my duty as The custodial parent to promote a healthy , well balanced relationship with the non custodial parent. If I was unable to fulfill my obligation, with a swipe of his pen, he would award custody to my ex husband.
There definitely needs to be some established guidelines here regarding phone calls, my concern is the jerk will spin this on you and make you look like the bad guy.
I also would remove the app if it isn’t helpful. I am so sorry this is happening, your kids should not have to endure their father’s drunken babbling crap.
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mamabear...in light of the point that marie brings up....perhaps it would be a good idea to keep a rolling journal of the dates, times, etc, of his abuse of the communications...inculuding his "babbling".....
I know that you already have a fear of "rocking the boat" with him....so, I think that it would be important for you to reach a middle ground of reasonable, but firm and clear boundaries....
I guess that you will need to have this translated into a legal agreement, in the future...?
I know that you already have a fear of "rocking the boat" with him....so, I think that it would be important for you to reach a middle ground of reasonable, but firm and clear boundaries....
I guess that you will need to have this translated into a legal agreement, in the future...?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by marie1960 
The judge told me, It is my duty as The custodial parent to promote a healthy , well balanced relationship with the non custodial parent. If I was unable to fulfill my obligation, with a swipe of his pen, he would award custody to my ex husband.
It would seem to me that a good lawyer could argue that by not allowing the ex to contact the children repeatedly when drunk one IS promoting a healthy(er) relationship with the non-custodial parent.
That can be backed up with Dandylion's idea of a rolling journal.
How annoying is all this mamabear! Sorry you are stuck in the middle of all this.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
MB,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have two kids 24 & 26. They two don't talk to their Dad for weeks. It's his birthday tomorrow and DD24 dreads calling him tomorrow for his birthday since they have not talked in a month. Of course axh will blame me on how I poisoned them against him. blah blah. Phone calls are a two way street.
I wish I had words of encouragement. I am sure you will have a divorce decree soon and he might enforce his "weekends" with the kids. All you can do is enforce that if he is drinking, driving or drunk around the kids, to have them call you and you can remove them from his home.
I am sorry, it doesnt get any better the older they become.
((((hugs))))))
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have two kids 24 & 26. They two don't talk to their Dad for weeks. It's his birthday tomorrow and DD24 dreads calling him tomorrow for his birthday since they have not talked in a month. Of course axh will blame me on how I poisoned them against him. blah blah. Phone calls are a two way street.
I wish I had words of encouragement. I am sure you will have a divorce decree soon and he might enforce his "weekends" with the kids. All you can do is enforce that if he is drinking, driving or drunk around the kids, to have them call you and you can remove them from his home.
I am sorry, it doesnt get any better the older they become.
((((hugs))))))
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…...this is just my own opinion....so take it for what it is worth....
Since the boys are so young...I think they should be protected from the antics of a drunk dialing alcoholic....
If they were in their late teens...then I think it becomes a bit different....as an older child can handle more boundary making with a dysfunctional or abusive parent.....
Also, when somone is drunk...like their father....they do not remember much, if any, if what they do, anyway...much of it is lost in the black out....
Thus, I think you can be as severe as you want to in establishing and enforcing boundaries with him on the communications....
Since the boys are so young...I think they should be protected from the antics of a drunk dialing alcoholic....
If they were in their late teens...then I think it becomes a bit different....as an older child can handle more boundary making with a dysfunctional or abusive parent.....
Also, when somone is drunk...like their father....they do not remember much, if any, if what they do, anyway...much of it is lost in the black out....
Thus, I think you can be as severe as you want to in establishing and enforcing boundaries with him on the communications....
The only reason he has been looking for them lately is because the first day of school was on Monday. I'm sure his family and coworkers have been talking about their kids first week and he has nothing to say about his own kids.
This whole asking to speak to the kids he doesn't do on a regular basis and is only asking for them for self-gratification. To makr it appear he is good and involved Dad but he seldom makes an effort to attend their activities. His intentions aren't genuine.
My son hasn't picked any of his phone calls in months and only texts him when he decides to skip out on a visit with him.
If he continues with his drunk dialing. I'm going to send him a text that he may not communicate with them while he is under the influence.
Thank you for the advice : )
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Originally Posted by trailmix
My opinion is the same as Dandylions. I think they are still too young to be having direct contact with a drunk person (parent or otherwise).
They still need your protection here I think.
Yes, boundaries and agree with Dandylion again.
If he is able to call your older Son he will just do the same thing to him that he does to you. Continuous calling and texting when drunk. It's upsetting for you, I can see why and it will certainly be upsetting for him.
Is there any reason why you have to take his calls and texts or are you just trying to not rock the boat? I would be clear, you can text once if you want to speak to them but if it's a no please don't continue to call, thanks. That's it. If he does, I would just mute him for the rest of the day.
Personally I would remove the app from the younger Son's tablet as well. No, you are not responsible to foster a relationship between them.
They still need your protection here I think.
Yes, boundaries and agree with Dandylion again.
If he is able to call your older Son he will just do the same thing to him that he does to you. Continuous calling and texting when drunk. It's upsetting for you, I can see why and it will certainly be upsetting for him.
Is there any reason why you have to take his calls and texts or are you just trying to not rock the boat? I would be clear, you can text once if you want to speak to them but if it's a no please don't continue to call, thanks. That's it. If he does, I would just mute him for the rest of the day.
Personally I would remove the app from the younger Son's tablet as well. No, you are not responsible to foster a relationship between them.
I agree as well. I'm very protective as a mother some may say too protective which is okay. I agree that it isn't my job to help him with his relationship with the kids.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
I agree with others that sag that your sons need protecting from a drunk and manipulative father, and you as their sole carer are naturally going to be that person.
However, what perhaps could be looked at in more detail might be your own boundaries around how and when you are contacted by your ex. Are there specific times or circumstances that it is acceptable for him to contact? What will you do if he contacts at times or under circumstances that are not acceptable.
I'm a novice here, (coming more from the alcoholic in recovery side, living with a problematic drinker) but it seems to me that as he is still in active alcoholism he is not going to reliably respect any boundaries that you put in place to protect you or your sons, so it's important to find ways of enforcing them. In the UK (so imguessing elsewhere as well) it's possible to buy real cheap mobile phones that are pay as you go. Could you get one specifically for him to contact on, and block him on your main phone. That way no matter when he calls or texts, you can enforce your own boundaries by onky checking that phone at the agreed times.
Of course, he s likely to say, what if it is an emergency or some such nonsense, but police and hospitals can contact on that number and their messages picked up just the same way. There is no emergency in which you're responsible for him.
Are you attending AlAnon or similar? If not it may be worth considering, as from what i hear they're pretty good at helping people establish and maintain boundaries.
BB
However, what perhaps could be looked at in more detail might be your own boundaries around how and when you are contacted by your ex. Are there specific times or circumstances that it is acceptable for him to contact? What will you do if he contacts at times or under circumstances that are not acceptable.
I'm a novice here, (coming more from the alcoholic in recovery side, living with a problematic drinker) but it seems to me that as he is still in active alcoholism he is not going to reliably respect any boundaries that you put in place to protect you or your sons, so it's important to find ways of enforcing them. In the UK (so imguessing elsewhere as well) it's possible to buy real cheap mobile phones that are pay as you go. Could you get one specifically for him to contact on, and block him on your main phone. That way no matter when he calls or texts, you can enforce your own boundaries by onky checking that phone at the agreed times.
Of course, he s likely to say, what if it is an emergency or some such nonsense, but police and hospitals can contact on that number and their messages picked up just the same way. There is no emergency in which you're responsible for him.
Are you attending AlAnon or similar? If not it may be worth considering, as from what i hear they're pretty good at helping people establish and maintain boundaries.
BB
I don't answer any phone calls of his anymore. I just communicate with him via text only when necessary. I do feel like he uses the excuse of "talking to the boys" to try and engage with me since I won't verbally communicate with him anymore. So I don't believe it's truly genuine on his part.
I have attended Al-non meetings. I just attended one last Tuesday. It's just hard for me to go weekly because I'm currently taking college classes and going to night classes and work during the day. Thank you for the input : )
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Originally Posted by marie1960
and the other side of the coin, you certainly do not want to end up in front of the judge over this matter.
The judge told me, It is my duty as The custodial parent to promote a healthy , well balanced relationship with the non custodial parent. If I was unable to fulfill my obligation, with a swipe of his pen, he would award custody to my ex husband.
There definitely needs to be some established guidelines here regarding phone calls, my concern is the jerk will spin this on you and make you look like the bad guy.
I also would remove the app if it isn’t helpful. I am so sorry this is happening, your kids should not have to endure their father’s drunken babbling crap.
The judge told me, It is my duty as The custodial parent to promote a healthy , well balanced relationship with the non custodial parent. If I was unable to fulfill my obligation, with a swipe of his pen, he would award custody to my ex husband.
There definitely needs to be some established guidelines here regarding phone calls, my concern is the jerk will spin this on you and make you look like the bad guy.
I also would remove the app if it isn’t helpful. I am so sorry this is happening, your kids should not have to endure their father’s drunken babbling crap.
He can take me back to court. My son will tell them that he is drunk during phone calls and saying random stuff so I'm sure he wouldn't want that to come out in court.
My older son is very smart and recognizes his father games. He has made it clear that he wants no communication with him in between the scheduled visits. I feel like the app gives my older son a direct line to his father without having to go through me. If his father abuses that open channel and gets rejected by his son that's on him. I'm not here to clean up his messes anymore.
Thank you for the feedback : )
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear...in light of the point that marie brings up....perhaps it would be a good idea to keep a rolling journal of the dates, times, etc, of his abuse of the communications...inculuding his "babbling".....
I know that you already have a fear of "rocking the boat" with him....so, I think that it would be important for you to reach a middle ground of reasonable, but firm and clear boundaries....
I guess that you will need to have this translated into a legal agreement, in the future...?
I know that you already have a fear of "rocking the boat" with him....so, I think that it would be important for you to reach a middle ground of reasonable, but firm and clear boundaries....
I guess that you will need to have this translated into a legal agreement, in the future...?
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Sorry you are going through this mamabear. I agree that it is not your job to cultivate a relationship between him and your children. My ex had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and they stopped coming over when they were 14-15 because when they did come every other weekend he was angry and drunk.
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Originally Posted by Michsm
Sorry you are going through this mamabear. I agree that it is not your job to cultivate a relationship between him and your children. My ex had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and they stopped coming over when they were 14-15 because when they did come every other weekend he was angry and drunk.
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Saying this as gently as I possibly can, BUT a minor child of age 11 May not be acknowledged by the court to manage his relationship with his alcoholic father , we as adults cannot manage our relationships with alcoholic family members, so to say his relationship with the father is responsibility., Is a pretty far stretch,
My intent is not to disagree or argue with you, but the courts have heard all of this before, and unfortunately, many of us have found the courts are truly not always our children’s advocate . Unless you have some strong documented proof , with convictions on record, I can only suggest you excercise caution, I have found they are not always what we hope them to be.
My intent is not to disagree or argue with you, but the courts have heard all of this before, and unfortunately, many of us have found the courts are truly not always our children’s advocate . Unless you have some strong documented proof , with convictions on record, I can only suggest you excercise caution, I have found they are not always what we hope them to be.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Saying this as gently as I possibly can, BUT a minor child of age 11 May not be acknowledged by the court to manage his relationship with his alcoholic father , we as adults cannot manage our relationships with alcoholic family members, so to say his relationship with the father is responsibility., Is a pretty far stretch,
My intent is not to disagree or argue with you, but the courts have heard all of this before, and unfortunately, many of us have found the courts are truly not always our children’s advocate . Unless you have some strong documented proof , with convictions on record, I can only suggest you excercise caution, I have found they are not always what we hope them to be.
My intent is not to disagree or argue with you, but the courts have heard all of this before, and unfortunately, many of us have found the courts are truly not always our children’s advocate . Unless you have some strong documented proof , with convictions on record, I can only suggest you excercise caution, I have found they are not always what we hope them to be.
I can't imagine living life constantly worried if my X will take me to court every day. I feel like my attention and time should be spent focusing on what I can do for my kids solely.
And I don't except my 11 year old to manage a relationship with his father. He just needs focus on being 11 years old. I'm always going to be here to protect him from anything harmful.
My X has no leg to stand on in court. No bedroom to provide for kids, work schedule is not consistent, his car has become an ashtray/trash can on wheels so even him providing transportation has been an issue.
I appreciate your perspective on things. It has given me alot to think about : )
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