MarkM1

Basically, my brother has a drinking problem, he has now relapsed.
I love my brother, he is everything to me, but I can't keep letting him do this to me all the time, I feel utter despair and worry any time he relapses, as he always ends up going AWOL, roaming the streets and getting in trouble. Compared to my brother, I have my head screwed on, and tend to be the glue that holds everything together for everybody.
I plan to travel to Australia which has been a dream of mine since a child, however, I feel guilty for even considering the prospect. I have already paid for my visa flights, and going at the start of September. I want to be there for everybody, yet at the same I also want to think about ME for a change. What should I do? Please give me honest advice if you think I may be being selfish.

AnvilheadII

Hi Mark, i see you've been here off and on since 2016. and dealing with an alcoholic brother. and also parents who seem entangled in trying to "help" him. your parent do have choices in HOW they deal with your brother.....and so do you.

you have one special life to live. don't put off living that life to the fullest because a relative can't get their stuff together. it is lovely and kind how much you care for your parents. perhaps you can encourage them to seek other ways to deal with brother. they have lives to live as well.

and so does your brother. he has the right to live his life as well or as poorly as he chooses.

the Australia trip sounds amazing. GO! seize the opportunity. let your dream become a reality.

Seren

Please go on your trip! Perhaps think of it this way, you have been there to try and help your parents and your brother your whole life. Has it made any difference in your brother's behavior? No.

So your vacation is really not going to affect your brother's drinking behavior at all or your parents' response to his behavior.

Please, please go ahead and take this fantastic trip

PuzzledHeart

My sister was always in some sort of trouble, but I found out long ago the best thing to do was detach and live my own life.

My own take - one day, your parents are going to REALLY need your help. They're going to get older. They're going to get sick (both my parents got cancer). And that's when you need to scramble.

This is not a sprint race. This is a marathon. So you need to take that vacation and put as much mental fuel into your tank as possible before it really hits the fan. Because if you skip that trip, you're going to look back and become extremely resentful over all the opportunities you skipped over because you were afraid that something was going to happen.

And honestly, your family needs to figure out what happens when YOU are taken out of the equation for a period of time. The best thing about this situation is that 1) they know it's coming 2) they can get their ducks squared up in a row beforehand 3) the preparation will help them if/when you're in a situation where you cannot help right away. What happens if you get called on a business trip? What happens if you get in a car accident? What happens if your own child has an emergency and you can't help your parents?

Speaking from my own experience, it's very flattering to be "the functional one" but as you well know that role gets very old very fast.

Have you talked to your parents about this? What do they say? I know my own parents have encouraged me repeatedly to let go and live my own life. There are times where they will break down and say "I don't know what would happen if you weren't here..." but I reply "You two are the some of the smartest people I know and I've always followed your example. You would figure something out." Frankly, it's sort of embarrassing when they get into that mode, and it plays into the good sister/bad sister cliche I'm trying to avoid even as my sister makes choices that seem to reinforce it. It doesn't serve either of us.

trailmix

Hi MarkM1. Well first of all, have a wonderful trip!

So it seems to me that your Brother's alcoholism isn't the only issue here.

Why do you think you need to protect your parents so much? You seem to be holding up this whole group.

- You are not your Brother's keeper
- You are not your parent's keeper

This is not your responsibility. While I absolutely understand your wanting to help them out, in my opinion you are far too enmeshed in this.

This is not your job in life. Your parents are probably entirely capable of handling all of this themselves, if not, they need to seek help (from professionals, psychologist, therapist, counsellor, Al-Anon).

I get that you want to protect everyone, including your Brother but is that really working out for anyone? Do you see any improvements? No, because you didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it (the 3 Cs).

Going on the trip and feeling guilty the whole time won't serve you well, shake off the guilt please, it is misplaced. You are not leaving a group of kids to fend for themselves, these folks are all grown adults and will manage.

Bernadette

Oh yes by all means I vote GO!

I have the same situation for decades with my alcoholic brothers. And I struggled in my twenties with how to "help."

I learned in AlAnon that, since I did not have a choice over whether they continued to drink or not the choices I had were:
Let their addiction take over my one life, leaving me stunted, depressed, unhealthy and depleted (and them still drinking or not).
OR
Live my best life, water myself like a garden, flourish and grow to the best of my ability, manage the things I can control about my own life, solve my own problems, pursue my own dreams (and them still drinking or not).

Doesn't mean I don't love my brothers. And I can tell them that endlessly, but it does mean I do not enable them, and I do not give their addiction power over my life. I will score no goals for Team Alcohol.

Besides, the living example of a healthy happy person is inspiring to everyone around them whether a normie or an addict.

Remember it doesn't mean you don't love him! Addiction warps all the regular rules of love and loyalty and affection, believe it.

An addict may say right to your face, "You wouldn't do [XYZ good thing for yourself] if you loved me." Or "Oh, you have money to spend on [XYZ good thing for yourself] but you can't lend me $$$ to help me out." But that is simply not true. Not true. Not true. And everyone on this forum can verify that. An alcoholic will use any means necessary to keep drinking: guilt, obligation, fear, lying, drama, sweetness, savagry - anything in their deck of cards. And they will just keep drinking and causing misery for themselves and loved ones, no matter how much we give or don't give. Their drinking is not MY fault.

Bon voyage! I've been to Australia - it's absolutely marvelous, don't miss it.
Peace,
B.