I sometimes wonder....
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I sometimes wonder....
I sometimes wonder whether reading, getting advice and thinking is useful and when is the right time to just follow your gut. With the best intentions in the world we can take on other people's advice or experiences but ultimately don't we have to follow our gut?
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Oh, Glenjo,
Yes, you will do what you want to do. There is nothing any of us can do to change what you are going to do.
We are just sharing our own experiences, what worked for us or didn't work for us. Your decision is your decision.
When we share here, we just hope to spare others the pain that we have experienced.
Yes, you will do what you want to do. There is nothing any of us can do to change what you are going to do.
We are just sharing our own experiences, what worked for us or didn't work for us. Your decision is your decision.
When we share here, we just hope to spare others the pain that we have experienced.
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[QUOTE=Seren;6948525]Oh, Glenjo,
Yes, you will do what you want to do. There is nothing any of us can do to change what you are going to do.
We are just sharing our own experiences, what worked for us or didn't work for us. Your decision is your decision.
When we share here, we just hope to spare others the pain that we have experienced.
I get that! Thanks and I still haven't messaged him...
Yes, you will do what you want to do. There is nothing any of us can do to change what you are going to do.
We are just sharing our own experiences, what worked for us or didn't work for us. Your decision is your decision.
When we share here, we just hope to spare others the pain that we have experienced.
I get that! Thanks and I still haven't messaged him...
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but ultimately don't we have to follow our gut?
when i was stuck in codependency, my gut didnt do very good thinkin.i needed other peoples' thinkin to help me see my thinkin was all jacked up. i needed other peoples' thinkin to learn what was truly right and wrong.
when i was stuck in codependency, my gut didnt do very good thinkin.i needed other peoples' thinkin to help me see my thinkin was all jacked up. i needed other peoples' thinkin to learn what was truly right and wrong.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
but ultimately don't we have to follow our gut?
when i was stuck in codependency, my gut didnt do very good thinkin.i needed other peoples' thinkin to help me see my thinkin was all jacked up. i needed other peoples' thinkin to learn what was truly right and wrong.
when i was stuck in codependency, my gut didnt do very good thinkin.i needed other peoples' thinkin to help me see my thinkin was all jacked up. i needed other peoples' thinkin to learn what was truly right and wrong.
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Before I entered recovery from codependency, all my “gut” ever told me was to keep chasing someone else for the love and validation I was not equipped to give myself.
And so I continued getting hurt, feeling confused, and like I wasn”t “good enough” to be loved.
And so I continued getting hurt, feeling confused, and like I wasn”t “good enough” to be loved.
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Yep, I'm going w/tomsteve and Sparkle here. It's tough, b/c on the one hand, we are told to "follow our intuition", but then on the other, we're told to "use our head."
I think it's like a lot of things related to addiction--what is true for a healthy person is emphatically NOT true for those of us w/codependency or other issues. Our vision is not clear, our hearts do not unerringly point us in the right direction.
What I (and I think many others here) would tell you is that as you get healthier, you will begin to see that yes, you can begin to trust your intuition more. But for us who are in the depths of our own addiction/dysfunction, "trusting our gut" is like telling the alcoholic to trust their own desires regarding drinking. We've gotta get healthy first--THEN we can trust our healthy intuition.
Does that make sense to you?
I think it's like a lot of things related to addiction--what is true for a healthy person is emphatically NOT true for those of us w/codependency or other issues. Our vision is not clear, our hearts do not unerringly point us in the right direction.
What I (and I think many others here) would tell you is that as you get healthier, you will begin to see that yes, you can begin to trust your intuition more. But for us who are in the depths of our own addiction/dysfunction, "trusting our gut" is like telling the alcoholic to trust their own desires regarding drinking. We've gotta get healthy first--THEN we can trust our healthy intuition.
Does that make sense to you?
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I really am sorry if I came across as harsh, Glenjo. I certainly did not mean to.
What is your gut telling you to do now? Whatever that is, I will support you, and this community will be here 24/7 as you work through this.
What is your gut telling you to do now? Whatever that is, I will support you, and this community will be here 24/7 as you work through this.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Yep, I'm going w/tomsteve and Sparkle here. It's tough, b/c on the one hand, we are told to "follow our intuition", but then on the other, we're told to "use our head."
I think it's like a lot of things related to addiction--what is true for a healthy person is emphatically NOT true for those of us w/codependency or other issues. Our vision is not clear, our hearts do not unerringly point us in the right direction.
What I (and I think many others here) would tell you is that as you get healthier, you will begin to see that yes, you can begin to trust your intuition more. But for us who are in the depths of our own addiction/dysfunction, "trusting our gut" is like telling the alcoholic to trust their own desires regarding drinking. We've gotta get healthy first--THEN we can trust our healthy intuition.
Does that make sense to you?
I think it's like a lot of things related to addiction--what is true for a healthy person is emphatically NOT true for those of us w/codependency or other issues. Our vision is not clear, our hearts do not unerringly point us in the right direction.
What I (and I think many others here) would tell you is that as you get healthier, you will begin to see that yes, you can begin to trust your intuition more. But for us who are in the depths of our own addiction/dysfunction, "trusting our gut" is like telling the alcoholic to trust their own desires regarding drinking. We've gotta get healthy first--THEN we can trust our healthy intuition.
Does that make sense to you?
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Originally Posted by Seren
I really am sorry if I came across as harsh, Glenjo. I certainly did not mean to.
What is your gut telling you to do now? Whatever that is, I will support you, and this community will be here 24/7 as you work through this.
What is your gut telling you to do now? Whatever that is, I will support you, and this community will be here 24/7 as you work through this.
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My reading of my gut instinct was off until I worked my recovery program for several years. I had backwards. The warning signal of fear released, I thought was excitement meaning I rushed towards things that I ought to have been moving away from.
I believe it is now accurate. I can trust it although I do still run things past my sponsor to be on the safe side.
I believe it is now accurate. I can trust it although I do still run things past my sponsor to be on the safe side.
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I think there is a difference between listening to our hearts/heads and listening to our guts. Kind of like the difference between wants and needs.
I didn't listen to my instincts for a long time.. I let my hurt heart and angry brain take the lead and that ended up with me in a big old codependent mess.
I didn't listen to my instincts for a long time.. I let my hurt heart and angry brain take the lead and that ended up with me in a big old codependent mess.
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I think you have to be ready to listen to advice, even seeking it. A lot of people who come to this forum are at that stage, and others are still stuck in their positions. Sometimes people post that they wish they had listened years ago, but they just weren't ready then.
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Is it your gut or your heart?
Based on my own personal experience, I sometimes think that the heart can be stupid.
Boyfriend A: Warned ahead of time that he wasn't boyfriend material by mutual acquaintances. First meeting, Gut screams "Here comes trouble." Heart says , "I believe in love at first sight." Gut says, "STAY AWAY. He lives five hours away and you'll never vote for the same presidential candidate." Heart says, "I DON'T CARE!" and starts imagining what our children will look like. Outcome: Five months later we break up over the phone. Six months later, we meet again, exchange kisses but do not get back together and Heart goes through the grinder. Which leads to...
Boyfriend B. Couple days later, I run into Boyfriend B. Gut says "Eh." Heart screams, "I just want to be loved. I am in pain and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED." Gut says "He's unemployed." Heart says, "He's creative and everything Boyfriend A was not." Gut says "He's in his mid-thirties and has never been in a long term relationship. Red Flag Alert for him and Rebound Alert for you." Heart again says "WHO CARES??? Shush." One year later, Boyfriend B cheats on me once with a woman he "just kissed." Two years after that, I tell him that unless we get married I'm out of the relationship. The day after wedding invitations are mailed, he bails out. Gut says, "I told you so." Heart is too bitter to give a crap and feels like an idiot. Friends who hated Boyfriend B cry in relief. (Boyfriend B apologized a decade later for the way he treated me. He never married.)
Superficial relationships of no consequence occur. Friend makes comment that I'm living the life of "Sex and the City." Don't know if I should be flattered or insulted.
Year and a half later...
Boyfriend C: Gut says, "Holy cow. He's good!" Heart says "WOW!" Gut and Heart say together "I just met my future husband." It's obvious to everybody that we're crazy about each other, but we wait several months before we exchange "I love you's." The friends who had disapproved of Boyfriends A and B say, "He's a keeper." Seventeen years later, we're still together.
Based on my own personal experience, I sometimes think that the heart can be stupid.
Boyfriend A: Warned ahead of time that he wasn't boyfriend material by mutual acquaintances. First meeting, Gut screams "Here comes trouble." Heart says , "I believe in love at first sight." Gut says, "STAY AWAY. He lives five hours away and you'll never vote for the same presidential candidate." Heart says, "I DON'T CARE!" and starts imagining what our children will look like. Outcome: Five months later we break up over the phone. Six months later, we meet again, exchange kisses but do not get back together and Heart goes through the grinder. Which leads to...
Boyfriend B. Couple days later, I run into Boyfriend B. Gut says "Eh." Heart screams, "I just want to be loved. I am in pain and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED." Gut says "He's unemployed." Heart says, "He's creative and everything Boyfriend A was not." Gut says "He's in his mid-thirties and has never been in a long term relationship. Red Flag Alert for him and Rebound Alert for you." Heart again says "WHO CARES??? Shush." One year later, Boyfriend B cheats on me once with a woman he "just kissed." Two years after that, I tell him that unless we get married I'm out of the relationship. The day after wedding invitations are mailed, he bails out. Gut says, "I told you so." Heart is too bitter to give a crap and feels like an idiot. Friends who hated Boyfriend B cry in relief. (Boyfriend B apologized a decade later for the way he treated me. He never married.)
Superficial relationships of no consequence occur. Friend makes comment that I'm living the life of "Sex and the City." Don't know if I should be flattered or insulted.
Year and a half later...
Boyfriend C: Gut says, "Holy cow. He's good!" Heart says "WOW!" Gut and Heart say together "I just met my future husband." It's obvious to everybody that we're crazy about each other, but we wait several months before we exchange "I love you's." The friends who had disapproved of Boyfriends A and B say, "He's a keeper." Seventeen years later, we're still together.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Is it your gut or your heart?
Based on my own personal experience, I sometimes think that the heart can be stupid.
Boyfriend A: Warned ahead of time that he wasn't boyfriend material by mutual acquaintances. First meeting, Gut screams "Here comes trouble." Heart says , "I believe in love at first sight." Gut says, "STAY AWAY. He lives five hours away and you'll never vote for the same presidential candidate." Heart says, "I DON'T CARE!" and starts imagining what our children will look like. Outcome: Five months later we break up over the phone. Six months later, we meet again, exchange kisses but do not get back together and Heart goes through the grinder. Which leads to...
Boyfriend B. Couple days later, I run into Boyfriend B. Gut says "Eh." Heart screams, "I just want to be loved. I am in pain and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED." Gut says "He's unemployed." Heart says, "He's creative and everything Boyfriend A was not." Gut says "He's in his mid-thirties and has never been in a long term relationship. Red Flag Alert for him and Rebound Alert for you." Heart again says "WHO CARES??? Shush." One year later, Boyfriend B cheats on me once with a woman he "just kissed." Two years after that, I tell him that unless we get married I'm out of the relationship. The day after wedding invitations are mailed, he bails out. Gut says, "I told you so." Heart is too bitter to give a crap and feels like an idiot. Friends who hated Boyfriend B cry in relief. (Boyfriend B apologized a decade later for the way he treated me. He never married.)
Superficial relationships of no consequence occur. Friend makes comment that I'm living the life of "Sex and the City." Don't know if I should be flattered or insulted.
Year and a half later...
Boyfriend C: Gut says, "Holy cow. He's good!" Heart says "WOW!" Gut and Heart say together "I just met my future husband." It's obvious to everybody that we're crazy about each other, but we wait several months before we exchange "I love you's." The friends who had disapproved of Boyfriends A and B say, "He's a keeper." Seventeen years later, we're still together.
Based on my own personal experience, I sometimes think that the heart can be stupid.
Boyfriend A: Warned ahead of time that he wasn't boyfriend material by mutual acquaintances. First meeting, Gut screams "Here comes trouble." Heart says , "I believe in love at first sight." Gut says, "STAY AWAY. He lives five hours away and you'll never vote for the same presidential candidate." Heart says, "I DON'T CARE!" and starts imagining what our children will look like. Outcome: Five months later we break up over the phone. Six months later, we meet again, exchange kisses but do not get back together and Heart goes through the grinder. Which leads to...
Boyfriend B. Couple days later, I run into Boyfriend B. Gut says "Eh." Heart screams, "I just want to be loved. I am in pain and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED." Gut says "He's unemployed." Heart says, "He's creative and everything Boyfriend A was not." Gut says "He's in his mid-thirties and has never been in a long term relationship. Red Flag Alert for him and Rebound Alert for you." Heart again says "WHO CARES??? Shush." One year later, Boyfriend B cheats on me once with a woman he "just kissed." Two years after that, I tell him that unless we get married I'm out of the relationship. The day after wedding invitations are mailed, he bails out. Gut says, "I told you so." Heart is too bitter to give a crap and feels like an idiot. Friends who hated Boyfriend B cry in relief. (Boyfriend B apologized a decade later for the way he treated me. He never married.)
Superficial relationships of no consequence occur. Friend makes comment that I'm living the life of "Sex and the City." Don't know if I should be flattered or insulted.
Year and a half later...
Boyfriend C: Gut says, "Holy cow. He's good!" Heart says "WOW!" Gut and Heart say together "I just met my future husband." It's obvious to everybody that we're crazy about each other, but we wait several months before we exchange "I love you's." The friends who had disapproved of Boyfriends A and B say, "He's a keeper." Seventeen years later, we're still together.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Makes a lot of sense. My heart and gut told me this guy would be in my life forever. Maybe they got it wrong.
He's an addict and is confused about his sexuality. If you didn't see any red flags in that that's your own red flag right there perhaps?
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