I sometimes wonder....
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
No red flags? No thoughts of - hang on a minute, that doesn't seem like good treatment?
He's an addict and is confused about his sexuality. If you didn't see any red flags in that that's your own red flag right there perhaps?
He's an addict and is confused about his sexuality. If you didn't see any red flags in that that's your own red flag right there perhaps?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You mentioned your friends said - hang on, don't contact him, he should be apologizing to you.
Even if you put all the other drama aside, isn't that true? Yet your concern is not for yourself, it's for him. That's perhaps something to look at. Who is looking out for you? It should be you.
In a way you are, by not contacting him by the way, and that's a good thing in my opinion. Right now I imagine you are quite vulnerable and you are probably already hurt enough? So at least take some comfort in the fact that you are looking out for yourself.
Even if you put all the other drama aside, isn't that true? Yet your concern is not for yourself, it's for him. That's perhaps something to look at. Who is looking out for you? It should be you.
In a way you are, by not contacting him by the way, and that's a good thing in my opinion. Right now I imagine you are quite vulnerable and you are probably already hurt enough? So at least take some comfort in the fact that you are looking out for yourself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You mentioned your friends said - hang on, don't contact him, he should be apologizing to you.
Even if you put all the other drama aside, isn't that true? Yet your concern is not for yourself, it's for him. That's perhaps something to look at. Who is looking out for you? It should be you.
In a way you are, by not contacting him by the way, and that's a good thing in my opinion. Right now I imagine you are quite vulnerable and you are probably already hurt enough? So at least take some comfort in the fact that you are looking out for yourself.
Even if you put all the other drama aside, isn't that true? Yet your concern is not for yourself, it's for him. That's perhaps something to look at. Who is looking out for you? It should be you.
In a way you are, by not contacting him by the way, and that's a good thing in my opinion. Right now I imagine you are quite vulnerable and you are probably already hurt enough? So at least take some comfort in the fact that you are looking out for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Bottom line, you will do whatever it is that feels right for you.
Just going to share, touch the fire you get burned, and the fire will burn EVERY stinking time.
It’s difficult to let go of our our hopes, how you are feeling can be expected after what you have been thru.
Try and remember, addicts to not have the same rationale thought process, as folks who are not addicted. This maybe a big pill for today, but active addicts are not capable of loving us back the way we deserve.
Just going to share, touch the fire you get burned, and the fire will burn EVERY stinking time.
It’s difficult to let go of our our hopes, how you are feeling can be expected after what you have been thru.
Try and remember, addicts to not have the same rationale thought process, as folks who are not addicted. This maybe a big pill for today, but active addicts are not capable of loving us back the way we deserve.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I read your other thread, and I'm sorry you are going through this. IMO, the silence on his part is cruel/abussive. Since you most likely wouldn't get an apology, what would you get from sending a text?
I've been in your spot - not the same situation -but the silence thing. I had to ask myself what I would be getting out of it. There obviously would be no apology, because the silence shows that person doesn't have a problem with what transpired or isn't willing or able to own up to it. It could also be that you showed you took care of yourself and are not going to put up with it and he's talking to others who are willing to do what you are not.
This is just my opinion, but if you do decide to send a message - I myself have caved before - I made my feelings known and made it clear there would never be further contact. You could even write something down and not send it. Some people here are ok not to have any closure while others need something - anything. I'm a girl who needs some kind of closure. If you do decide to message him though, I would do it and then block him.
You have to do what's best for you, but you don't want your heart to be hurt over and over again.
I've been in your spot - not the same situation -but the silence thing. I had to ask myself what I would be getting out of it. There obviously would be no apology, because the silence shows that person doesn't have a problem with what transpired or isn't willing or able to own up to it. It could also be that you showed you took care of yourself and are not going to put up with it and he's talking to others who are willing to do what you are not.
This is just my opinion, but if you do decide to send a message - I myself have caved before - I made my feelings known and made it clear there would never be further contact. You could even write something down and not send it. Some people here are ok not to have any closure while others need something - anything. I'm a girl who needs some kind of closure. If you do decide to message him though, I would do it and then block him.
You have to do what's best for you, but you don't want your heart to be hurt over and over again.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
I read your other thread, and I'm sorry you are going through this. IMO, the silence on his part is cruel/abussive. Since you most likely wouldn't get an apology, what would you get from sending a text?
I've been in your spot - not the same situation -but the silence thing. I had to ask myself what I would be getting out of it. There obviously would be no apology, because the silence shows that person doesn't have a problem with what transpired or isn't willing or able to own up to it. It could also be that you showed you took care of yourself and are not going to put up with it and he's talking to others who are willing to do what you are not.
This is just my opinion, but if you do decide to send a message - I myself have caved before - I made my feelings known and made it clear there would never be further contact. You could even write something down and not send it. Some people here are ok not to have any closure while others need something - anything. I'm a girl who needs some kind of closure. If you do decide to message him though, I would do it and then block him.
You have to do what's best for you, but you don't want your heart to be hurt over and over again.
I've been in your spot - not the same situation -but the silence thing. I had to ask myself what I would be getting out of it. There obviously would be no apology, because the silence shows that person doesn't have a problem with what transpired or isn't willing or able to own up to it. It could also be that you showed you took care of yourself and are not going to put up with it and he's talking to others who are willing to do what you are not.
This is just my opinion, but if you do decide to send a message - I myself have caved before - I made my feelings known and made it clear there would never be further contact. You could even write something down and not send it. Some people here are ok not to have any closure while others need something - anything. I'm a girl who needs some kind of closure. If you do decide to message him though, I would do it and then block him.
You have to do what's best for you, but you don't want your heart to be hurt over and over again.
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Glenjo…...much of the time, there will not be any "closure"....as in....wrapped up in a tidy package, of some sort.....
I think that the "closure" is what comes from within one's own self...when enough time and healing has happened...so that we can accept that something *hit has happened....and we decide to leave it behind us, in history, and go on living, again......
I think that the "closure" is what comes from within one's own self...when enough time and healing has happened...so that we can accept that something *hit has happened....and we decide to leave it behind us, in history, and go on living, again......
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Sometimes closure means that you have a voice and say this is how it is for me and goodbye. It's not tidy, but for some it helps. And again, it has to be for you and not the other person. Sometimes silence is better other times not, but that's just me
I would definitely write and not send for sure as a start. That has always helped me. It gets it out if your head.
I would definitely write and not send for sure as a start. That has always helped me. It gets it out if your head.
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It kind of bites when there is no closure. Sending him a text or other means of contact may of may NOT bring closure....it may just open up another door that should stay shut.
He told you not to contact him, right? In that case you don't have much choice but to follow that statement. I know it's hard because you want answers and what not. With time and distance I think you'll find you can heal okay and get on with your life. He's an addict and it's going to be a long road of recovery for him and whoever is in his life.
He told you not to contact him, right? In that case you don't have much choice but to follow that statement. I know it's hard because you want answers and what not. With time and distance I think you'll find you can heal okay and get on with your life. He's an addict and it's going to be a long road of recovery for him and whoever is in his life.
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Depends.... When I was an active alcoholic my gut told me to drink. And in the throes of codependency my gut told me to give a self-destructive relationship another -- and another -- chance. At the base of all addiction is denial and rationalization and they led me to some dark places.
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no one gives us closure. we already have a preconceived notion of what we NEED from the other....what we want to HEAR, what we do not. we don't really want honesty -if we did then the current reality would be enough. and as long as we look to the OTHER to grant us closure, we give them all the power.....over us, over our now, over our future.
when we are ready, we are done. it was.......until it wasn't. we cared and we loved. and we learned valuable lessons. many we may not like. but they can help us grow.
when we are ready, we are done. it was.......until it wasn't. we cared and we loved. and we learned valuable lessons. many we may not like. but they can help us grow.
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I have learned that I have good instincts and that if I "get a feeling" about something or someone, it's usually right. However I came by this through experience - I can look back and point to situations where I thought that something was off/missing/strange, and then when I received confirmation that I was right. I now trust my "gut" because it's proven itself to me, not because of a conviction that I should "trust my gut instinct", if that makes sense.
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When I ran into Boyfriend B ten years after our breakup and he profusely apologized for what he had done to me, I suppose that could have been classified as "closure".
But by that time I had moved on. I didn't need his apology. I had brought myself closure long before by living well and revisiting dreams that had long been deferred. I pursued music (which led me to my husband) and grad school and that brought me more closure than all the sorrys in the world.
I look at my husband and son and sometimes shudder when I think I could have easily chosen a life without them.
The sad thing is that it's not you, it's the ADDICTION that dehumanizes them. It makes your friend forget the lovely person he once was as he yet again pursues his substance of choice.
I had a former heroin addict as a student. He was the sweetest thing ever. However, he said the reason why he quit was because his children and grandchildren were too scared and angry to talk to him. It was only then that he was willing to acknowledge what he had done.
But by that time I had moved on. I didn't need his apology. I had brought myself closure long before by living well and revisiting dreams that had long been deferred. I pursued music (which led me to my husband) and grad school and that brought me more closure than all the sorrys in the world.
I look at my husband and son and sometimes shudder when I think I could have easily chosen a life without them.
The sad thing is, the more we talk about addicts, it almost dehumanises them and makes them something distant to be treated, which I know they do. The lovely person he is, tends to be forgotten.
I had a former heroin addict as a student. He was the sweetest thing ever. However, he said the reason why he quit was because his children and grandchildren were too scared and angry to talk to him. It was only then that he was willing to acknowledge what he had done.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Good point, I'm not sure of what to believe anymore.
ya know, usin other peoples thinkin help me tremendously and its still needed today.i highly doubt im unique in that my memory machine aint the sharpest but my forgettin machine works pretty darn good.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
understandable. good to see ya communicating here. has it given ya some new perspectives?
ya know, usin other peoples thinkin help me tremendously and its still needed today.i highly doubt im unique in that my memory machine aint the sharpest but my forgettin machine works pretty darn good.
ya know, usin other peoples thinkin help me tremendously and its still needed today.i highly doubt im unique in that my memory machine aint the sharpest but my forgettin machine works pretty darn good.
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