Forestcat1

Hello, I'm new to the forum. Struggled with my husband's alcoholism for 15 years, he wouldn't get help. Last year he was made redundant, alcohol addiction got worse. Then first gf contacted him on Facebook and 'groomed' him months before meeting up, now he's living with her, has been off alcohol for 5 months and wants a divorce. The affair partner is anorexic with anxiety issues and has regular manipulative suicide attempts. My husband sees none of this and thinks she's his saviour. He's escaping from everything connected with his work, which he hated and treated him badly. He's doing everything for this woman but does not care about me at all and I put up with so much from him for years, as you can imagine, I sacrificed alot for him. He's also got rid of several old friends.

Anyone else experienced anything like this? Eg. alcoholic spouse ditching everything for a new life? I've been told the dopamine (chemical released during early stages of love, same as alcohol releases) from the affair and the change of scenery is enabling him to get sober but the experts say it's like putting a patch on a wound and problems will return. My husand hasn't done a 12 step programme, he says his affiar partner is helping him stay off alcohol and he's helping her with her problems. Their relationship has been very quick to develop and intense.

dandylion

Forest cat.....oh , Sure! We have thousands upon thousands of real life posts with stories similar or the same as yours...…
It may take you a little while to learn how to navigate this site efficiently...lol...

For starters, I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...enough for you to read and digest one every single day! (our library is also known as the stickies...above the threads)…..
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Yes, it is true, that a new "romance" can produce a "high" due to dopamine and other bonding hormones...This can serve to give a rose colored glow to life, in general...for a little while. And, it can cause a person to switch focus from their own recovery....
these kinds of relationships usually com tumbling down after the shiny wears off....

Are you counting on him coming back to you when/if this happens.?

I really hope that you will work very hard on yourself and y our own welfare as your first priority.....

The fact that he is not working a program of recovery and the fact that alcoholism is progressive, does not predict well for him....if he relapses, more than likely, it will be worse than before....progressive means that it gets worse, over time, whether the person is drinking or not....in other words--returns with a vengeance...…
Relationships are complicated and require work for everyone...but, for those who are not stable to begin with, and adding alcoholism...it is like pouring kerosene on a fire......

SolidKarma

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I have no experience with this. The only advice I can give you is to seek help yourself. Have you ever considered Al anon?

One thing I'll say, is your 'husband' sounds like he may not be the best fit for you. Maybe it's the universes way of telling you to move on and see another path.

Lastly, it's pretty common for addicts to 'get better' when they fall in love. But, that will NEVER last. Once that initial stage of 'love' and 'dopamine' as you stated fades, he'll need another source of relief.

I would stay close to friends and family now, and start making moves to get away from him.

Forestcat1

Thank you so much dandylion for getting back to me and this info - I totally agree knowledge is power, it's the only way I'm getting through this!
Your knowledge of alcoholic spouse habits and the links are invaluable! I'm being told by people (who have zero knowledge of alcoholism) that it's good that they're helping each other and could work! I can see so much dysfunction in that relationship - the first gf contacted him (she could see he was married on Facebook) to get out of an abusive marriage, she had a 'suicide' attempt while she was trying to get him, another I think to firm it up when she was with him (he stopped coming home at all after that). Her husband is bankrupt and is v nice to my husband - I think he sees my husband as relieving him of his financial obligations to his wife! The woman was my H's first girlfriend and he's been enjoying 'rescuing' her and they're working on keeping off their addictions (him - alcohol, her - smoking) together. But she is manipulative with serious issues and he's essentially an alcoholic (functioning, diabetic). He's trying to erase a whole chunk of painful past and start again with her but what a mess. He loves the fact that she's needy, it makes him feel wanted, but that clinginess will be suffocating once the shiny wears off I guess. I'm trying to get some handle on the progress of this and what's likely to happen - in your experience do they try and get back with the spouse and start drinking again? I have to avoid that scenario at all costs, he really needs proper help. I thought he was going to hit rock bottom and do something about it properly but then the affair stepped in which stopped that. THANK YOU, talking to people who know about alcoholics and have experienced it helps me so much!

dandylion

Forestcat….even though alcoholism has a very predictable pattern...each person is a different personality, within that....
Yes, it is very common for them to come creeping back to find shelter from their storm....if the former partner will let them. Or, they may move on to the next person that they can find to enable them or distract them.....


If you have never read the book..."Co-Dependent No More"....now would be a good time to start. You will find that a lot of this resonates with you...It is an easy read...and it is practically a "bible" in these parts.

You can get a cheap, used copy on amazon.com......

Forestcat1

I'll definitely get that, I think it would be impossible not to be co-d after 15 years. It's interesting that I was getting tougher on my alcoholic spouse at the same time as he was getting into an affair (on Facebook at the time). I was leaving him to drink on his own rather than putting up with it etc. He actually tried to make me feel bad by saying that it's kindness and support that will enable him to give up, which he's getting from her he says! It's very easy for someone to come in with flattery etc when they haven't had to put up with the alcoholic for years and sacrificed for them. That made me very angry at the time but the more I understand about alcoholics the more I see the behaviour patterns. He's getting total attention and flattery from this woman and loving being needed. It's not a real relationship, it's based on what they're both getting from each other. I don't want to be involved with someone who just needs flattery all the time - alcoholics only care about someone as long as they're getting what they crave from them, in my husband's case it's flattery for self esteem. Thank you, I'll get the book.

CarryOn

Hi FC1 - I experienced something similar...not full fledged affair, but definitely an emotional affair. My XAH connected with a married woman in his IOP program...she was bi-polar & alcoholic. He talked & texted with her regularly, complemented her to no end, etc., etc. He relapsed after they had a falling out. I believe she was using him and manipulating him to build her own self-esteem; for whatever reason he felt he needed to "save" her and be her support. I believe he was exercising some of his own codependent behaviors that he learned as the child of an alcoholic.

What I have learned through my own recovery is that we each have to examine our own behaviors and identify which are healthy and which are not. To be in a healthy relationship, we must become healthy on our own (I believe this is true for everyone - alcoholics, codies, etc.) Relationships where one or both people have unaddressed issues, base their happiness on someone else's happiness, are saving someone, etc. will either end or are simply toxic.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I hope that with time, you will see that you are likely better off. I know it's hard...I stayed through so many issues, inappropriate behavior, so much pain & disrespect, as many other people here have. I finally reached a point where I knew I was not being treated the way I wanted to be and nothing he said was changing that and I made the decision to get out...I had to put up some walls to get through it. With space and time, I know that I made the right decision and I am much better off now.

Lizajane

Forestcat
I am so sorry for the pain this must cause you. I hope you can see this as an opportunity for YOU rather than focus on him. 15 years of being a spouse to an active alcoholic is not a happy life. Please read the suggested materials and go to alanon. I believe your husband is not going to find happiness and long lasting sobriety in his new relationship but I also don't think you should be allowing that to occupy too much space in your mind. He has clearly hurt you and dealing with that pain is important. Your husband having an affair is traumatic. Now is the time to take care of yourself instead of him. I bet you have done very little to truly take care of yourself and do things that are best for your life in a long time. You have probably been very preoccupied with taking care of him. He has left. Now you take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You need to focus on yourself right now.

PeacefulWater12

ForestCat

So sorry you are going through this. The thoughts you express show good awareness of the insane behaviours common in addicts going on. Seems to me you have a clear view of it all. None of this stuff is personal to you, it is addicts doing what addicts do. Unfortunately it is horrible for those it impacts.

I encourage you to take care of yourself and your wants and needs. All best wishes to you.

marie1960

Never make the one you love , feel alone, especially when you are there. (This should be the law of a marriage.)

15 years is a really long time to be with an unavailable partner. You certainly have been the committed partner in this relationship. The problem with active alcoholics, they are selfish. Every waking minute, of every single day is about them. Their relationship with alcohol is their top priority, we, their loved ones, are left to fend for ourselves. We are either waiting for them to show us an ounce of affection, or we are cleaning up their unacceptable situation of the day. It’s not a healthy way to live.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Having to deal with the betrayal of a spouse is devastating. It’s going to take time and energy for you to restore some healthy balance to your world.

Best I can offer, cease all contact, get the best attorney you can afford, and begin to rebuild your life.

Find a support group, or enlist a therapist, lean on friends and family and get yourself as far away from this toxic situation. I do not believe for one minute his current living situation is going to last, they are two needy people , both struggling with their own life issues, and it’s all going to blow up in their faces.


He has shown you who he truly is, best to believe him. Hope you continue to post. It helps, lots of support to be found here. Take good care of you.