For those contemplating single parenting...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
For those contemplating single parenting...
There seems to be a lot of people on the board lately that have a true fear of single parenting. I am a single parent, so I wanted to chime in.
First let me tell you, even on the days you think you cannot, YOU CAN. You do it because you have to, it becomes second nature. You develop support systems outside of your qualifier (or X qualifier). You learn not to be so prideful and to ask for help when you need it. You open up to the world about your life. You get support.
I have a child who has been in and out the hospital, have not had enough money, have went through some really hard times. I made it through, and you can too. Things work out.
I went to counseling to be the strongest person I could possibly be so that when things get tough, I still make it. My XAH is toxic. He goes through stages of nice, and stages of evil. I depend on him for nothing, nor do my children. It's heart wrenching to see what he has done to my kids. However, through counseling and support they have grown into these amazing people who will make it out the other side. I also have come out the other side having broken the chain.
My children have seen that I don't tolerate someone treating me terribly. I cannot control that my youngest has to go see him, but she is with me 95% of the time and I can make that 95% the best it can possibly be. I can also build her up to be the strongest she can be to handle the other 5%.
Big hugs to all who go through this. You are not alone, and YOU CAN DO THIS.
First let me tell you, even on the days you think you cannot, YOU CAN. You do it because you have to, it becomes second nature. You develop support systems outside of your qualifier (or X qualifier). You learn not to be so prideful and to ask for help when you need it. You open up to the world about your life. You get support.
I have a child who has been in and out the hospital, have not had enough money, have went through some really hard times. I made it through, and you can too. Things work out.
I went to counseling to be the strongest person I could possibly be so that when things get tough, I still make it. My XAH is toxic. He goes through stages of nice, and stages of evil. I depend on him for nothing, nor do my children. It's heart wrenching to see what he has done to my kids. However, through counseling and support they have grown into these amazing people who will make it out the other side. I also have come out the other side having broken the chain.
My children have seen that I don't tolerate someone treating me terribly. I cannot control that my youngest has to go see him, but she is with me 95% of the time and I can make that 95% the best it can possibly be. I can also build her up to be the strongest she can be to handle the other 5%.
Big hugs to all who go through this. You are not alone, and YOU CAN DO THIS.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Thank you
Thanks for reminding us that we can do this!
It's so easy to get caught up in the line of thinking "what if this happens?" "What if that happens."
I think it's important to remember that, like everything else, we cross bridges when we come to them and not before.
It's so easy to get caught up in the line of thinking "what if this happens?" "What if that happens."
I think it's important to remember that, like everything else, we cross bridges when we come to them and not before.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
....and often, when we step back & examine the big picture, we find that we've been single-parenting much-if-not-most of the time anyway. Or we find that it's actually easier because that one complicated adult was like having a very high maintenance child that refused to be parented in any way.
Really great post hopeful!!
Really great post hopeful!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Wonderful post!! Single parenting is certainly better than having an active alcoholic in the family. The damage done to children when one parent is an alcoholic is permanent. After 26 years in the rooms of AA I can say that the percentage of alcoholics who DIDN'T have alcoholism in the family is minuscule.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
....and often, when we step back & examine the big picture, we find that we've been single-parenting much-if-not-most of the time anyway. Or we find that it's actually easier because that one complicated adult was like having a very high maintenance child that refused to be parented in any way.
The times AW has traveled for work have been the best times around the house, even though I was responsible for everything. Oh wait, that's how things are anyway. But there's no roadblock of the king (queen in my case) baby moping around, and stirring up things and being snappy and crappy.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I was a single parent when exah was in the house too. I used to tell people I had 9 kids. He was the 9th. It is never as awful as you imagine being a single parent. It has a massive upside in that the alcoholic is no longer in the building. I've had 4 years of single parenthood with exah actually not being there and it 's been great. I don't think I'll be single forever now tho. I used to do but things change.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It is exhausting because you're on your own. But it is also liberating because you're on your own, you are no longer expending all your energy running interference for a addict.
The best single-parenting advice I ever got was that children learn more from observing you than they do from listening to you. Alcoholics tell their kids all kinds of things - "you're so important to me", "I'm going to stop drinking for real", "this is all [other parent's] fault", "I don't have a real problem", "that never happened", "I can explain everything", etc. But normal parents show their kids how to live as a responsible, reliable, empathetic adult. I know I'm pretty imperfect as a single mom, but not nearly as imperfect as an addicted parent.
I also think of single parenting as giving Kid the best possible shot at breaking the cycle, and being the first in (at least) four generations on her father's side to not grow up with active drinking and wild dysfunction.
The best single-parenting advice I ever got was that children learn more from observing you than they do from listening to you. Alcoholics tell their kids all kinds of things - "you're so important to me", "I'm going to stop drinking for real", "this is all [other parent's] fault", "I don't have a real problem", "that never happened", "I can explain everything", etc. But normal parents show their kids how to live as a responsible, reliable, empathetic adult. I know I'm pretty imperfect as a single mom, but not nearly as imperfect as an addicted parent.
I also think of single parenting as giving Kid the best possible shot at breaking the cycle, and being the first in (at least) four generations on her father's side to not grow up with active drinking and wild dysfunction.
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