Tired after court
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Tired after court
I spent all day yesterday in court over non-payment of child support. Very long story short: I (through my lawyer) asked the court to declare that all the arrears on child support owed by my ex would be enforceable by court - in other words, if he didn't pay he could have his wages garnished, pension seized, property seized, driver's license revoked, etc. The court in my jurisdiction has some pretty broad powers to collect on child support debts through the state support enforcement program, and I wanted my order to say explicitly that these powers should be used in my case, both to enforce payment of arrears and to enforce payment going forwards. (Ex owes upwards of $30K in arrears over the past two years, has paid exactly $0 in ongoing child support in that time).
Ex showed up to oppose this, as is his right. It went as well as it could have gone. I got exactly what I wanted in the form of an updated court order, ex was woefully underprepared to defend his position, and he irritated the judge sufficiently that she ordered that my court costs be added to the amount of arrears owing (in other words, I was awarded full costs).
However, instead of feeling victorious the whole thing has just made me exhausted. I'm still pretty broke (although I have in theory tens of thousands of dollars coming to me, it's going to take ex at least five years to clear the arrears and several months until the money starts flowing). Sitting in a courtroom all day with ex twitching and tremoring and getting angrier and angrier has all my fight-or-flight responses revved up.
Ex's cognitive decline was also evident - he had various documents which he said proved that he was paying child support and so enforcement was unnecessary - but the documents said exactly the opposite, they showed that he had paid nothing in ongoing child support and nothing against his $30K debt. He kept insisting that they said what they did not say until the judge finally told him to read the document out loud.
At the end of the hearing, ex was getting louder and more agitated and I noticed that the sheriffs who provide security in the courtroom were moving closer. Once the judge ruled, my lawyer hustled me out a back staircase and told me to stay in the security-controlled area near the entrance while he filed the order with the judge's signature. Ex was publicly shamed, and shame is not an emotion that addicts deal with well.
So I should be glad - this is the fifth court appearance I've had to go through in in the past few months in which I've gotten exactly what I want and ex has not - but instead I am tired and want to sleep for hundreds of years. This is an utter waste of time, and I still have a full-time-plus job (which I am not doing as well as I should) as well as raising a kid on my own. I have depleted my savings, and while in theory I should get the money back from ex, I am honestly not confident that he will have the assets or the income to make his payments (although under the order, even his pension or his life insurance can be garnished to pay). (Fortunately I have a good job which while not fantastically high-paying is very secure).
I am just really tired. It's been years of this crap.
Ex showed up to oppose this, as is his right. It went as well as it could have gone. I got exactly what I wanted in the form of an updated court order, ex was woefully underprepared to defend his position, and he irritated the judge sufficiently that she ordered that my court costs be added to the amount of arrears owing (in other words, I was awarded full costs).
However, instead of feeling victorious the whole thing has just made me exhausted. I'm still pretty broke (although I have in theory tens of thousands of dollars coming to me, it's going to take ex at least five years to clear the arrears and several months until the money starts flowing). Sitting in a courtroom all day with ex twitching and tremoring and getting angrier and angrier has all my fight-or-flight responses revved up.
Ex's cognitive decline was also evident - he had various documents which he said proved that he was paying child support and so enforcement was unnecessary - but the documents said exactly the opposite, they showed that he had paid nothing in ongoing child support and nothing against his $30K debt. He kept insisting that they said what they did not say until the judge finally told him to read the document out loud.
At the end of the hearing, ex was getting louder and more agitated and I noticed that the sheriffs who provide security in the courtroom were moving closer. Once the judge ruled, my lawyer hustled me out a back staircase and told me to stay in the security-controlled area near the entrance while he filed the order with the judge's signature. Ex was publicly shamed, and shame is not an emotion that addicts deal with well.
So I should be glad - this is the fifth court appearance I've had to go through in in the past few months in which I've gotten exactly what I want and ex has not - but instead I am tired and want to sleep for hundreds of years. This is an utter waste of time, and I still have a full-time-plus job (which I am not doing as well as I should) as well as raising a kid on my own. I have depleted my savings, and while in theory I should get the money back from ex, I am honestly not confident that he will have the assets or the income to make his payments (although under the order, even his pension or his life insurance can be garnished to pay). (Fortunately I have a good job which while not fantastically high-paying is very secure).
I am just really tired. It's been years of this crap.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well done.
I get exhausted at way less...
Now would be a great time to plan something relaxing for yourself - whatever that looks like to you. An overnight at a resort? A spa day? A massage? A drive in a National Park?
Nature is my go-to. Singing birds, swaying trees, lapping water. Fragrant flora.
I get exhausted at way less...
Now would be a great time to plan something relaxing for yourself - whatever that looks like to you. An overnight at a resort? A spa day? A massage? A drive in a National Park?
Nature is my go-to. Singing birds, swaying trees, lapping water. Fragrant flora.
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Thanks biminiblue! Because of your suggestion, I've just contacted the massage therapists who have an office literally across the street from my home. I may have depleted my savings but I still have really good work benefits, including massage. I think that would be an excellent idea.
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yeesh.
so even tho as you say it's not likely he's going to start sending Uhauls full of money your way, does this at least end the court drama for a while??? for YOU?
i hope the amount of actual time you have to spend in any regards to this man continues to diminish.
so even tho as you say it's not likely he's going to start sending Uhauls full of money your way, does this at least end the court drama for a while??? for YOU?
i hope the amount of actual time you have to spend in any regards to this man continues to diminish.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
yeesh.
so even tho as you say it's not likely he's going to start sending Uhauls full of money your way, does this at least end the court drama for a while??? for YOU?
i hope the amount of actual time you have to spend in any regards to this man continues to diminish.
so even tho as you say it's not likely he's going to start sending Uhauls full of money your way, does this at least end the court drama for a while??? for YOU?
i hope the amount of actual time you have to spend in any regards to this man continues to diminish.
I am hoping with the precedent set yesterday that if he opposes this, he'll get another award of costs against him. I believe the same judge is hearing this application.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
It ends until ... Thursday. That's when I have to go back to court AGAIN, this time for a travel consent. Ex is withholding consent for Kid to travel outside the country with me in the fall, on the grounds that I do not show due regard for her safety. I am asking the court to vary our divorce order so that I am required to inform ex if Kid is traveling with me outside the country, but am not required to have his permission in advance.
I am hoping with the precedent set yesterday that if he opposes this, he'll get another award of costs against him. I believe the same judge is hearing this application.
I am hoping with the precedent set yesterday that if he opposes this, he'll get another award of costs against him. I believe the same judge is hearing this application.
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It is that. ^^^^ The well-being of Kid has almost disappeared. It was her birthday a couple of days and ex didn't give her anything, not even a card - but he will show up on court for an entire day, cost HIMSELF a thousand dollars, and waste a lot of people's time and money because he is so immersed in his victimhood narrative - I am out to get him, the system is out to get him, he is always right and has to fight everything, etc.
This is a man whose idea of a fun activity with his child, back when he had unsupervised access, was to go through the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale with her to show her that he had waaaay more adverse childhood events than her mother (me) did and that he was therefore waaaay more traumatized than me and I had no right to judge him. Kid, wisely says she told him she didn't really want to know about it.
(Ex apparently claimed to have an ACE score of 12, when the scoring range is actually 0-10).
This is a man whose idea of a fun activity with his child, back when he had unsupervised access, was to go through the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale with her to show her that he had waaaay more adverse childhood events than her mother (me) did and that he was therefore waaaay more traumatized than me and I had no right to judge him. Kid, wisely says she told him she didn't really want to know about it.
(Ex apparently claimed to have an ACE score of 12, when the scoring range is actually 0-10).
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I am hoping with the precedent set yesterday that if he opposes this, he'll get another award of costs against him. I believe the same judge is hearing this application.
I bet she will be sick of the sight of him by the end of Thursday. ((massive hugs)) I had court 18 times in 9 months over my exes shenanigans. It is exhausting. I was pregnant with twins during it too.
I bet she will be sick of the sight of him by the end of Thursday. ((massive hugs)) I had court 18 times in 9 months over my exes shenanigans. It is exhausting. I was pregnant with twins during it too.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Hi Sasha,
You're doing great. ((((hugs))))
I'm finding that life really does get easier the more I heal. I am stronger now in using the recovery tools I find along the way.
Just as my energy and health spiraled downward while attaching myself to toxic situations, my energy and health are now quickly improving as I attach myself to very good things in life and learn to let God guide this.
What I'm finding very helpful with massage therapy is to pray first and ask for both healing and an open heart. This helps me both in releasing stress easier and in fully taking advantage of new connections being greater than the stresses in my life.
You're doing great. ((((hugs))))
I'm finding that life really does get easier the more I heal. I am stronger now in using the recovery tools I find along the way.
Just as my energy and health spiraled downward while attaching myself to toxic situations, my energy and health are now quickly improving as I attach myself to very good things in life and learn to let God guide this.
What I'm finding very helpful with massage therapy is to pray first and ask for both healing and an open heart. This helps me both in releasing stress easier and in fully taking advantage of new connections being greater than the stresses in my life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Well done.
I get exhausted at way less...
Now would be a great time to plan something relaxing for yourself - whatever that looks like to you. An overnight at a resort? A spa day? A massage? A drive in a National Park?
Nature is my go-to. Singing birds, swaying trees, lapping water. Fragrant flora.
I get exhausted at way less...
Now would be a great time to plan something relaxing for yourself - whatever that looks like to you. An overnight at a resort? A spa day? A massage? A drive in a National Park?
Nature is my go-to. Singing birds, swaying trees, lapping water. Fragrant flora.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Sasha, you're a ROCK STAR in all that you deal with concerning your Ex.
Seriously, there is nothing easy about any aspect of your situation with him so of COURSE you feel exhausted!
Give yourself permission to be just human for a while - so happy to hear about that massage appt. I just scheduled myself for a foot massage for tomorrow myself - we have to teach our daughters to care for themselves by example, right?
((((SO Many Hugs))))
Seriously, there is nothing easy about any aspect of your situation with him so of COURSE you feel exhausted!
Give yourself permission to be just human for a while - so happy to hear about that massage appt. I just scheduled myself for a foot massage for tomorrow myself - we have to teach our daughters to care for themselves by example, right?
((((SO Many Hugs))))
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And another update: back in court again yesterday, this time because ex won't provide consent for Kid to travel with me. I came out with an order requiring him to produce a notarized travel consent letter to my lawyer within 10 working days. I am not very optimistic that this will happen. If he doesn't do so, apparently the next step is a contempt-of-court charge, which will result in the court stepping in and exercising his powers while he is in contempt (and I get a travel consent letter from a judge). So one way or another I will get a legal document saying I can travel with Kid.
Ex was drunk when he was in court yesterday, which is a new low - I didn't talk to him (my lawyer did, and that's why he gets the big bucks), but even on the other side of the courtroom I could see the tremors (which are pretty much constant now). My lawyer said that ex was sweaty and stammering, had "a great blankness behind the eyes", and kept repeating words. My lawyer isn't sure ex actually understood what was happening or what the judge was doing.
I'm pretty exhausted - there's the anticipation of court (what on earth is going to show up this time?), the actual experience of court (if you want to despair of humanity, just sit in family court for an hour or so), and the letdown afterwards, even when things go as well as they possibly could have gone. Twice in one week is just too much.
Ex was drunk when he was in court yesterday, which is a new low - I didn't talk to him (my lawyer did, and that's why he gets the big bucks), but even on the other side of the courtroom I could see the tremors (which are pretty much constant now). My lawyer said that ex was sweaty and stammering, had "a great blankness behind the eyes", and kept repeating words. My lawyer isn't sure ex actually understood what was happening or what the judge was doing.
I'm pretty exhausted - there's the anticipation of court (what on earth is going to show up this time?), the actual experience of court (if you want to despair of humanity, just sit in family court for an hour or so), and the letdown afterwards, even when things go as well as they possibly could have gone. Twice in one week is just too much.
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Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words.
Part of what makes this so tiring is that I'm watching the slow-motion dying of someone with whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life. What he once was and what he is now - the difference is horrible.
Part of what makes this so tiring is that I'm watching the slow-motion dying of someone with whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life. What he once was and what he is now - the difference is horrible.
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