First timer!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Largo, FL
Posts: 2
First timer!!
Hello everyone. This is my first time to this site and hopefully I can get some support and advice too!!!! My boyfriend of (on and off) four years is an alcoholic. When we first were together it was bourbon out of the bottle, no glass and now it's vodka. He never really stopped drinking when we broke up but then again we no longer lived together so I didn't see it all the time. Then he got fired from a restaurant, he was the manager, for drinking on the job. After that he got laid off and was unemployed for a year. His unemployment checks stopped and he still did not have a job. Throughout all this HE STILL DRANK!!! He starts at 8am passes out in the afternoon drinks more and passes out around 7:30p. Well now stupid me in Feb 2004 allowed him to move back in with me. His parents and I had an "intervention" in April not for his drinking but for his social anxiety. Since then he has been put on Zoloft and has aquired a job. BUT HE STILL DRINKS! He has agreed to pay me back for the 9-10 months of me supporting him while he was unemployed so he is giving me his entire check until Jan 2005. Last pay day I allowed him to be responsible for his whole check, all I took out was bill money.What a mess!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!!!
You are right...what a mess.
It is a huge load for you to try to be the responsible one in a couple. It is like having a child. But he is not a child and you do not have to do it.
The biggest thing I had to absorb is that I cannot, ever, ever, ever, change another person. Period...end of story. Believe me, it really is that simple.
He is who he is. If that is not what you want in your own personal big picture a decision has to be made. You can get into some recovery yourself to learn to live happily in spite of him or you can move on.
I am a happy wife of an alcoholic...it can be done. Hang around, make yourself at home and we will support you, whatever you decide.
(((Hugs)))
JT
You are right...what a mess.
It is a huge load for you to try to be the responsible one in a couple. It is like having a child. But he is not a child and you do not have to do it.
The biggest thing I had to absorb is that I cannot, ever, ever, ever, change another person. Period...end of story. Believe me, it really is that simple.
He is who he is. If that is not what you want in your own personal big picture a decision has to be made. You can get into some recovery yourself to learn to live happily in spite of him or you can move on.
I am a happy wife of an alcoholic...it can be done. Hang around, make yourself at home and we will support you, whatever you decide.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Welcome 2Tired,
Sorry you need to be here but glad you found us. This is a wonderful group with great advice borne of experience. I'm still very new in terms of recovery but I will suggest the same things that have been suggested to me:
Find an Al-Anon meeting.
Get a copy of Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More - do the homework at the end of the chapters, it's been an invaluable tool for me in terms of seeing what my part is in the big scheme of things.
Take care of YOU.
Sorry you need to be here but glad you found us. This is a wonderful group with great advice borne of experience. I'm still very new in terms of recovery but I will suggest the same things that have been suggested to me:
Find an Al-Anon meeting.
Get a copy of Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More - do the homework at the end of the chapters, it's been an invaluable tool for me in terms of seeing what my part is in the big scheme of things.
Take care of YOU.
runs with scissors
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 9
JT is absolutely right...you can't change his behavior. You'll also never understand it.
Right now your concerns seem to be financial. It sounds like the meds are helping with his social anxiety and he has managed to find work. However, you point out (several times) that he continues to drink. Nothing you can say or do will change this. He has to want to change FOR HIMSELF and he has to be willing to commit to that. Even then, there is no guarantee - it's a matter of which is stronger: the man or the disease.
For your part, you have known since the beginning of the relationship that your boyfriend has a drinking problem. If you intend to stay with him, I strongly urge you to follow Cadence's advice and find a meeting. There will come a time when your on-and-off relationship goes one way or another - for good. Only you can make that decision but if you intend to remain in a relationship with an alcoholic, I urge you to learn what that truly means. Al-Anon can provide that education. Right now is a very good time to become educated and to put your own needs first. Consider the implications of marriage and children in this mix. Ask yourself what you truly want out of life and a partner. Can he provide the things you need? Ultimately, it's a matter of what your happiness and health are worth.
None of us can tell you what to do or give you a quick fix solution. What we can do, is share our experiences and offer support. Take care of yourself and keep coming back!
Best,
Right now your concerns seem to be financial. It sounds like the meds are helping with his social anxiety and he has managed to find work. However, you point out (several times) that he continues to drink. Nothing you can say or do will change this. He has to want to change FOR HIMSELF and he has to be willing to commit to that. Even then, there is no guarantee - it's a matter of which is stronger: the man or the disease.
For your part, you have known since the beginning of the relationship that your boyfriend has a drinking problem. If you intend to stay with him, I strongly urge you to follow Cadence's advice and find a meeting. There will come a time when your on-and-off relationship goes one way or another - for good. Only you can make that decision but if you intend to remain in a relationship with an alcoholic, I urge you to learn what that truly means. Al-Anon can provide that education. Right now is a very good time to become educated and to put your own needs first. Consider the implications of marriage and children in this mix. Ask yourself what you truly want out of life and a partner. Can he provide the things you need? Ultimately, it's a matter of what your happiness and health are worth.
None of us can tell you what to do or give you a quick fix solution. What we can do, is share our experiences and offer support. Take care of yourself and keep coming back!
Best,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Largo, FL
Posts: 2
Thanks for the advice!
Thanks for the advice from everybody who replied! Although, my financial security is not in question...I just wonder why do I put up with it all??!! We do not have children together are not married and I can fully support myself without him!!?? I have no plans to marry, yet I can't get him to leave! He is not on the lease at my apt. complex yet he refuses to get his own place. He has no car so he relies on the bus system to get around. He's 37 and I'm 35...what is the deal??? P.S. Everyone keeps advising me to get that co-dependant book but I'm not co-dependant on him! Any other suggestions?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
glad to have you here. that "co-dependant" book is for you to learn about addiction and to help you determine whether you want to learn how to live with this disease. If he is still living with you then the book may be very helpful in helping you cope with living with an addict. It is difficult, but it can be done. I have done it for 15 years. "Codependent No More," and others are good sources. I would also suggest "The Booze Battle"... this will help you to understand the progressive nature of the disease, and how it may get much worse over the years. Whatever you decide, keep in touch. The more information you have about this horrible disease, the better off you will be in making good choices for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Welcome 2tired. Right off the bat, you have two things in your favor -- you are financially independent, and you are not married to your alcoholic. These two things, alone, offer you a world of options and choices. You could run right now and never look back. But for some reason, you stay.
Your first post sounds as if you are concerned about his drinking. You cannot make him stop drinking. Period. Your second post makes it sound as if you would like for him to leave your apartment, but he won't. You could call the police and have him removed. These seem like simple solutions, but they are clouded and complicated by our own disease called co-dependency.
A co-dependent is one who's life, choices and actions are completely wrapped up in and dictated by someone else's life, choices and actions. You ask, "I just wonder why do I put up with it all??!! " The answer is, because you are a co-dependent.
Please read some of the other posts on this forum. As you do, you will see some of your own situation in many of them. We are all here for each other.
Your first post sounds as if you are concerned about his drinking. You cannot make him stop drinking. Period. Your second post makes it sound as if you would like for him to leave your apartment, but he won't. You could call the police and have him removed. These seem like simple solutions, but they are clouded and complicated by our own disease called co-dependency.
A co-dependent is one who's life, choices and actions are completely wrapped up in and dictated by someone else's life, choices and actions. You ask, "I just wonder why do I put up with it all??!! " The answer is, because you are a co-dependent.
Please read some of the other posts on this forum. As you do, you will see some of your own situation in many of them. We are all here for each other.
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