chooch471

Not sure if this is the correct place to ask this question, but I found your board while searching ‘oprah/alcoholism’. My sister had told me about an episode of Oprah where they were talking to couples where one spouse had grown up with alcoholism in their family and chose not to have it be a part of their lives. The other spouse drank and did not understand what the problem was if they had a few drinks weekly. . .

Anyway, that is the boat my husband and I are in. While I cannot say that he is an alcoholic, I fear that we are headed that way. I don’t know if I am being overdramatic when I see him go from drinking a six pack over two weeks to now drinking a six pack in two days. He also grew up with an alcoholic father and it amazes me that he would even tempt fate that way. We’ve had other problems within our family over the passed 2 years that have landed us in family counseling. Our therapist has diagnosed him with General Anxiety Disorder and possibly obsessive compulsive disorder. He’s only gone to her twice and tells me that it is very difficult for him to speak about what has gone on in his past and that it’s very painful. My boys and I have been going to her once a week for three months straight. My kids have low self esteem, signs of depression and both toyed with the idea of suicide. That is when I put my foot down and decided I needed to get help for them even if he didn’t want to fix what issues he had.

Anyway, my question to the board is. . . am I crazy to get so worked up about his drinking and fearing where this is going if it really isn’t a problem now. He doesn’t get belligerent or violent when he drinks. That is the first thing he brings up when I start to nag about it - my response to him is that I don’t want to wait to get to that point.

Another thing is that he is on Lexipro (sp?) for his anxiety and that bothers me that he would drink beer while being on medication knowing that it has a label that specifically reads not to drink while taking it. My kids are 15 and 13 and it ticks me off that he would set such an example for them.

Our therapist has given me a book to read on codependency but I haven’t finished it yet.

I just wanted your opinion on it. Thanks for taking the time to read my long post!
Chooch

JT

Hi and welcome!

I am so glad you are dealing with your kid's issues. That is a place where you can perhaps have a positive effect.

Changing another person is usually a losing battle. He won't change until he is ready and you lose your marbles.

I am curious about the book you are reading and what the therapist said about codependency.

Hugs,
JT

chooch471

The book is Love is a Choice by Dr. Rober Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. Paul Meier.

So far I've found lots in the book that reminds me of me and next week we should be dealing with alot of that in our session.

I guess my worry is that I'm jumping the gun worrying about something that 'could happen'.

does that make sense??
Chooch

gelfling

Hi Chooch,

Welcome to SR...You came to the right place. I congratulate you on taking your children and yourself to a therapist. It's a big first step for everyone.

You question whether you're getting worked up about the possibility of alcoholism with your AH...Nope...you see the signs. He grew up in an alcoholic home. Genetically, there's a good chance he is an alcoholic. They don't have to be physically or verbally abusive.

am I crazy to get so worked up about his drinking and fearing where this is going if it really isn’t a problem now. He doesn’t get belligerent or violent when he drinks. That is the first thing he brings up when I start to nag about it - my response to him is that I don’t want to wait to get to that point.

And if you nag at him, he'll use it as an excuse to drink. "If it really isn't a problem now"....but it already is :sorry . And I think you know that deep down in your heart.

Now's the time for you to start taking better care of yourself and your children. Find alanon meetings in your area and you'll meet other people who are going through the same thing as you. Also, there are meetings that are geared for children too. It definitely would be to their benefit and yours, to attend meetings so you all can get an education about the disease, it's effects and how everyone can live a healthy and sane life. Also, please read the book your therapist gave you. You'll be amazed at what you'll learn.

:hugehug Kathy

Dee at Mt Bully

Hi Chooch--welcome--It sounds to me like there is a problem and you are taking the right steps for yourself and your kids. A person on medication and especially for
anziety should not be drinking. I'm guessing you know that. Sounds like your counselor
is on the right track with you--I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you. Please let us
know how you are doing. Smiles---Dee

hope2bhappy

Welcome Chooch. I know you will find a lot of help and support in this forum. Alcoholism does run in families. So, if your husband's father was an alcoholic, then your husband is high risk for becoming one. But to this I have to add that my daughter is an occasional social drinker and has no problem with drinking. When she was a young teen, I began educating her on the dangers of frequent drinking and the risks of becoming an alcoholic since her father was one. But for the grace of God, she is a healthy, well-adjusted young woman today.

I do have to smile a little when you say you are concerned that your husband now drinks a six pack in two days. Mine typically drinks about half a case in one night -- every single day. My husband also takes Lexapro for an anxiety disorder. He told his doctor that he had a drinking problem, but the doctor prescribed it anyway. (I think doctors are enablers.)

Good luck to you and keep posting.

Rainy

Welcome Chooch!
If you're questioning "if" there is a problem, chances are there is. You've already started taking steps to help yourself and your kids--think about going to an Alanon mtg, you can just listen if you don't feel like speaking..you will findso much support and love there.. Keep taking care of you and your boys...Take care..((hugs))

chooch471

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I sometimes forget that getting help for my kiddos and myself is HUGE. It gets lost under all the disappointment that my husband isn't doing his part. Thanks for helping me focus on that.

I guess what I'm wondering , after reading some of the responses and other conversations on other threads, is how some of you came to the decision to stay in the relationship. That is another HUGE decision facing me now. I don't believe in divorce, but I also don't want my kids growing up thinking this is normal. Or worse, realize it is not normal and blame me for keeping them in this environment. I'm kidding myself thinking they don't already realize it, they have both bounced between asking me to leave and then a few days later, saying things like "if dad gets better and we decide to stay. . . " I believe God blessed me with two BEAUTIFUL, CARING, LOVING boys and I feel like he's entrusted me with their wellbeing. This is sooooo hard.

Husband has been out of the country for 3 1/2 weeks and it has been sooo peaceful. He comes back tonite and I don't know what to expect. I wrote him a very long email about my concerns and all he wrote back was "your last email threw me for a loop. I understand though". Understand what??!! I get upset if I think about it so I push it out of my mind. I have to pick him up at the airport and I'm trying to blow off the little voice in my head that is saying "let him get a taxi" or "pick him up but give him the silent treatment" or "pick him up and make him give you a better response than that". Ugh, I'm so frustrated and not sure how long to hang in there. If I hang in there 3 more years, I can leave the marriage with full military privileges (commissary, exchange, i.d.) and health insurance. Am I focused on the wrong thing. . . Can you tell I'm super confused????
Chooch

hope2bhappy

Chooch, I'm trying to better understand what your husband's problem is and how it affects you and your children. I, personally, don't feel that 3 beers a day would be enough intake of alcohol to cause any major behavior problems on his part (i.e., passing out, blacking out, hangovers, laying out of work, unable/refuses to pay the bills...). But it is clear by your posts that his behavior is causing a disruption in the family. Is this behavior caused by his anxiety disorder? If it is, then this condition is a treatable medical condition. To me, staying in an alcoholic marriage is different than staying in a marriage with someone who is battling a mental and nervous disorder, though the struggles may be the same.

I'm not giving advice, here... I'm asking questions. What is it about your situation that makes you consider leaving the marriage? What is it about your husband's behavior that has your boys so upset? What am I missing here? Please write back and let me know more.

Whatever your situation, you are currently on the right path with your counseling sessions, etc.