So hard to walk away - First Time Post
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Originally Posted by atalose 
When we begin to have those conversations with ourselves of not being good enough for someone who operates with an alcohol soaked brain, actions of a player we have really lowered our bar! And need to change our conversations to – wow I dodged a bullet here. I don’t need or want this kind of person in my life. I deserve so much more then what he could ever possible offer.
The more you tell that person looking back at you in the mirror those things the more you will come to accept they are true!!!
The more you tell that person looking back at you in the mirror those things the more you will come to accept they are true!!!
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
Thank you, FireSprite! You have been one I have followed in many responses on other's posts. I appreciate the Devil's advocate in you. I agree. How am I to know? Good point.
I need to put the focus on myself and decide why I let this behavior continue. I started out with really decent self esteem, for being me. I just remember letting him manage down my expectations. But again I LET HIM. That's on me. At any point I could have and should have walked away. Now here I am and he is MY addiction and I am having a hard time letting go. But the circus gets worse every time. You're right, no contact is best. I have to see him for who he is, not who he was for 2-weeks, literally. Everything after that has been awful, if I'm being honest. Darn it.
I need to put the focus on myself and decide why I let this behavior continue. I started out with really decent self esteem, for being me. I just remember letting him manage down my expectations. But again I LET HIM. That's on me. At any point I could have and should have walked away. Now here I am and he is MY addiction and I am having a hard time letting go. But the circus gets worse every time. You're right, no contact is best. I have to see him for who he is, not who he was for 2-weeks, literally. Everything after that has been awful, if I'm being honest. Darn it.
You win.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Block everything - run - don't look back.
I'm sorry for your situation
I'm sorry for your situation
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
So - I hear a lot of growing & changing in your posts..... & you're probably going to end up liking & loving yourself a whole lot more by the end of this process.... while he gets to stay the same dysfunctional person he's been all this time.
You win.
You win.
As my grandmother used to say, "This too shall pass". I'm ready to do the work
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
Bwahahah! "Bates Motel" Might as well be. Crack me up!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Good for you. You know he sounds like a misogynist, maybe not, maybe just a alcoholic that grew up in great dysfunction.
Why weren't you enough? For what? You seem to be more than enough for what he was looking for, someone to abuse.
If you are looking for an answer to why you weren't "enough" for him to settle in a mountain paradise with, get married, have little mountain children - well that's clear, that's not him, never was, never will be probably.
Please re-read your original post. I've read a lot here at SR, your story is horrendous (his behavior) by any standard.
He isn't JUST an alcoholic. Also, remember alcoholism is progressive. He might be "high functioning" now but that's just a stage of alcoholism, not a type.
Why weren't you enough? For what? You seem to be more than enough for what he was looking for, someone to abuse.
If you are looking for an answer to why you weren't "enough" for him to settle in a mountain paradise with, get married, have little mountain children - well that's clear, that's not him, never was, never will be probably.
Please re-read your original post. I've read a lot here at SR, your story is horrendous (his behavior) by any standard.
He isn't JUST an alcoholic. Also, remember alcoholism is progressive. He might be "high functioning" now but that's just a stage of alcoholism, not a type.
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
Thank you! It's so strangely hard to let go. He is MY addiction. Silly. I know I have to, and I will. It's just so darn hard to see it all written out, plain as day this is bad news and yet somehow I don't want to let go. Nonsensical. I will call it a success when I feel like my life is more logical.
My story is different than yours however sadly in the end I had to make the same difficult decision you are now faced with.
I made my decision & somehow got the strength to walk away from her. I did that just before I posted my story here on SR. Back then I was just hoping to get some advice & support from SR forum members. I was on very shaky ground at that time. Life & death shaky would not be an exaggeration.
I read on the internet & here on SR for like a year before I left my relationship. In hind sight, I wish I had posted my story much earlier on. Not that I would have left the relationship sooner, but when I left I would have better prepared to manage the serious mess of emotions I had to deal with.
I totally understand being addicted to the addict. I totally understand how difficult it is to finally let go. She was & still is my one of a kind drug of choice. I love that DOC.
Yes our own logic completely fails us when it comes to making healthy decisions concerning our addicts.
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Phoenix......I think that the pain of letting go will not completely subside until you have completed the grieving process. It is natural and expected to be grieving at this point.....
This will probably last for the next weeks to months....gradually getting easier, over that time....
One just has to soldier through it....
I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain....
This will probably last for the next weeks to months....gradually getting easier, over that time....
One just has to soldier through it....
I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain....
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Location: W Washington
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this reminds me of my fave saying -
there are no problems
only resistance to the solutions
i think this can apply to Letting Go as well. it's not that letting go is that hard to do, it's not WANTING to let go, resisting, because dammit, it's OURS. but once we pry that last finger off, the pain and the conflict immediately lessen............
there are no problems
only resistance to the solutions
i think this can apply to Letting Go as well. it's not that letting go is that hard to do, it's not WANTING to let go, resisting, because dammit, it's OURS. but once we pry that last finger off, the pain and the conflict immediately lessen............
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
Wow. Intense, but true. I appreciate your bluntness and honesty, TrailMix.
What he wanted was someone who would go along with all his crap and YOU said no, So you are not the one for him, by your own choosing, not his.
Don't be too hard on yourself. When you started out with all this i'm sure he couldn't have been a nicer guy, otherwise you probably would have gone running in the other direction.
When people make a 180 in behavior, that's hard to wrap your head around, for anyone. With normal people they are somewhat predictable (not boring, just somewhat predictable). For instance if you take the last bit of milk for your cereal in the morning they aren't going to scream at you.
So you start out with this great guy who somehow turns in to this monster. You don't want the monster but surely the great guy is still in there right?? I mean maybe a little bit of healing will bring him back?
Not necessarily the case.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You're welcome but you know what, in thinking about this there is one important thing I didn't mention.
What he wanted was someone who would go along with all his crap and YOU said no, So you are not the one for him, by your own choosing, not his.
Don't be too hard on yourself. When you started out with all this i'm sure he couldn't have been a nicer guy, otherwise you probably would have gone running in the other direction.
When people make a 180 in behavior, that's hard to wrap your head around, for anyone. With normal people they are somewhat predictable (not boring, just somewhat predictable). For instance if you take the last bit of milk for your cereal in the morning they aren't going to scream at you.
So you start out with this great guy who somehow turns in to this monster. You don't want the monster but surely the great guy is still in there right?? I mean maybe a little bit of healing will bring him back?
Not necessarily the case.
What he wanted was someone who would go along with all his crap and YOU said no, So you are not the one for him, by your own choosing, not his.
Don't be too hard on yourself. When you started out with all this i'm sure he couldn't have been a nicer guy, otherwise you probably would have gone running in the other direction.
When people make a 180 in behavior, that's hard to wrap your head around, for anyone. With normal people they are somewhat predictable (not boring, just somewhat predictable). For instance if you take the last bit of milk for your cereal in the morning they aren't going to scream at you.
So you start out with this great guy who somehow turns in to this monster. You don't want the monster but surely the great guy is still in there right?? I mean maybe a little bit of healing will bring him back?
Not necessarily the case.
Yes...he started randomly yelling at me too. I was only allowed to go snowmobiling if I could keep up. I’m a pretty tough girl. I just finished an apprenticeship with a local fire department and just got my EMT cert. I can hold my own. But any time the A Best friend’s gf goes along, they wait for her...but not for me :/ (I am much faster than shebis but not completely “guy” fast)
So, we got caught in a crazy blizzard at the top of a peak around 12,000ft. It was freezing cold. A buddy of his was in from out of town and we had all stopped. I didn’t want to turn off my snowmobile for fear it wouldn’t start. I feel responsible for it. I have to get it out. So, I left it running while we talked about turning around. The AXBF walked over and screamed at me to turn it off and slammed down the kill switch. I told him I was afraid it wouldn’t start again....it did. But....guess who pulled his ripcord and it broke off? Haha! A little bit funny. My vibe that a snowmobile wasn’t going to start was dead on. He had to use paracord to start it from the clutch. Took him about 25-Minutes. I felt bad for him in the moment. It was a total bummer. But now I think...Karma???
He also yelled at me again later. But his friend confided that I was faster and more skilled than one of the guy friends who already left. I was doing just fine. In fact, I was crushing it, but AXBF made me feel like it wasn’t enough. He even yelled at me to “grow a set” at one point. That wasn’t enough. He had to remind me of it later, “I told you to grow a set. How do you feel about that?!” Rubbing it in...don’t miss that, not one bit.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
this reminds me of my fave saying -
there are no problems
only resistance to the solutions
i think this can apply to Letting Go as well. it's not that letting go is that hard to do, it's not WANTING to let go, resisting, because dammit, it's OURS. but once we pry that last finger off, the pain and the conflict immediately lessen............
there are no problems
only resistance to the solutions
i think this can apply to Letting Go as well. it's not that letting go is that hard to do, it's not WANTING to let go, resisting, because dammit, it's OURS. but once we pry that last finger off, the pain and the conflict immediately lessen............
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Phoenix......I think that the pain of letting go will not completely subside until you have completed the grieving process. It is natural and expected to be grieving at this point.....
This will probably last for the next weeks to months....gradually getting easier, over that time....
One just has to soldier through it....
I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain....
This will probably last for the next weeks to months....gradually getting easier, over that time....
One just has to soldier through it....
I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain....
I love that saying “short-term pain for long term gain”.
I had gone through all of this already. I was in such a good place. What a silly mistake to contact him again. It has had a profound impact on my life and my health. I feel toxic. Like He sloughed off his depression onto me and he took all of my good energy. Fighting so hard to get myself back on my feet. He doesn’t deserve all of this.
I appreciate your insight. I need to go no contact so I can finish this grieving process.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
PR211
My story is different than yours however sadly in the end I had to make the same difficult decision you are now faced with.
I made my decision & somehow got the strength to walk away from her. I did that just before I posted my story here on SR. Back then I was just hoping to get some advice & support from SR forum members. I was on very shaky ground at that time. Life & death shaky would not be an exaggeration.
I read on the internet & here on SR for like a year before I left my relationship. In hind sight, I wish I had posted my story much earlier on. Not that I would have left the relationship sooner, but when I left I would have better prepared to manage the serious mess of emotions I had to deal with.
I totally understand being addicted to the addict. I totally understand how difficult it is to finally let go. She was & still is my one of a kind drug of choice. I love that DOC.
Yes our own logic completely fails us when it comes to making healthy decisions concerning our addicts.
My story is different than yours however sadly in the end I had to make the same difficult decision you are now faced with.
I made my decision & somehow got the strength to walk away from her. I did that just before I posted my story here on SR. Back then I was just hoping to get some advice & support from SR forum members. I was on very shaky ground at that time. Life & death shaky would not be an exaggeration.
I read on the internet & here on SR for like a year before I left my relationship. In hind sight, I wish I had posted my story much earlier on. Not that I would have left the relationship sooner, but when I left I would have better prepared to manage the serious mess of emotions I had to deal with.
I totally understand being addicted to the addict. I totally understand how difficult it is to finally let go. She was & still is my one of a kind drug of choice. I love that DOC.
Yes our own logic completely fails us when it comes to making healthy decisions concerning our addicts.
He is definitely my favorite drug. It is so hard to let him go. He even admitted to me, the good times are really good with us, but the lows are incredibly low. I agree.
This is a rollercoaster that lacks any sort of amusement.
Time to get off. Wish I could get my money back.
He is not worth any further contact. I just spiral further and further. I have to love myself more. I have to cut him off. He even said, I could come back anytime. Because I’m the only one who pays the price every time he collide and spin apart...
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Dear Phoenix......I know how raw this is for you, right now....but, I applaud you decision to go no contact....because it is so hard to do, in the beginning....it is the one thing that will propel you through the grieving process faster and with more finality....
Hang o n to that fact.....
Hang o n to that fact.....
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
Was I wrong to say no? Should I have gone along with it? I kind of felt like, good for me. And any decent guy should agree to being called out. Right? Or no? I was in the wrong?
You are so much better off without him in your life.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear Phoenix......I know how raw this is for you, right now....but, I applaud you decision to go no contact....because it is so hard to do, in the beginning....it is the one thing that will propel you through the grieving process faster and with more finality....
Hang o n to that fact.....
Hang o n to that fact.....
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Phoenix, what I wrote wasn't very clear (my fault!). You were absolutely right to say no. You should never go along with anything you don't like. No decent guy would need to be called out on that because they wouldn't have done it!
You are so much better off without him in your life.
You are so much better off without him in your life.
It’s nonsensical to miss him, but today I miss the good parts. But, it was always so unpredictable.
Looking for some new distractions. I can do this
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Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
I’m getting my motorcycle license and I went to a Harley dealership to get some gear last night and I met some really wonderful people. It seems like a fun new hobby.
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PR211
"Time to get off. Wish I could get my money back."
I sunk a lot of money into my relationship with her. I never added it all up & don't want too. But if I did I know the total amount is shockingly ugly.
Having said that, lookin back on it, I invested with her something way more important than money, & that was a huge (years) amount of time. I can earn more money. I can never get that time back. Today there is nothing between us.
BTW I don't blame her. I take responsibility for my own actions.
I like motorcycles. I tried to teach her how to ride. She wanted to be a bad as* Harley girl but in the end she was afraid of it. Was a funny experience. Be safe with your new hobby.
"Time to get off. Wish I could get my money back."
I sunk a lot of money into my relationship with her. I never added it all up & don't want too. But if I did I know the total amount is shockingly ugly.
Having said that, lookin back on it, I invested with her something way more important than money, & that was a huge (years) amount of time. I can earn more money. I can never get that time back. Today there is nothing between us.
BTW I don't blame her. I take responsibility for my own actions.
I like motorcycles. I tried to teach her how to ride. She wanted to be a bad as* Harley girl but in the end she was afraid of it. Was a funny experience. Be safe with your new hobby.
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