Chevfb7

I'm wanting to leave my husband. I have a place to stay and some money set aside. I won't see him again until Thursday and was thinking I could have my necessities packed and moved. Can I just call or text him that I'm leaving? In a normal setting this would be uncalled for way to end a marriage I know. But, it's not like he doesn't know what the problem is or that I'm unhappy. I'm just trying to avoid a confrontation and he will have been drinking when I get home Thursday. Or do I owe it to him to have this conversation face to face? I'm not afraid of physical violence from him just don't want all the drama, and I'm a chicken!

thousandwords53

Yes, you can just leave.

SparkleKitty

You do not owe him a face-to-face conversation. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

hopeful4

I think it's time to do what you think it good for you. What you owe to yourself. I know someone who left an typed out a big letter and left it on the dining room table. Her husband was shocked, to an extent.

If you have made up your mind, I would move forward while avoiding as much confrontation as possible. There is no having a conversation with someone drunk.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you!

thousandwords53

Exactly what SparkleKitty said.
You have a place to stay and money- those are usually the biggest obstacles.

Edit:: Wanted to Add: That same exact question is what kept me stuck for years in the same situation. You do not need "permission"

Hugs

biminiblue

I left two long-term relationships that way.

When it's over it's over.

I also did it to avoid the drama. Why argue when the decision is made? Both guys survived, I thrived and I have zero regrets.

dandylion

Chev...just to be clear.....what are your intentions....to leave for good...or, to leave until things are sorted out....or, to take a break and clear your mind...or, as a first step toward filing for divorce?

Do you two own the home, together...or are you renting?

Just asking some key questions so that we can better help you.....

trailmix

Absolutely you can just leave.

If you feel that sometime in the future you want to have a discussion with him, when he is sober, well that's completely up to you. Doesn't necessarily have to be before you leave.

For now it sounds like this is what you need to do, for yourself, don't feel guilty about that. Not wanting to have a big dramatic conversation with someone who is drunk is NOT wrong.

Chevfb7

He owns the home. He had it 5 years before we married. I don't really know what my intentions are. I left for a week last September. I couldn't stay another minute. I went back and promises were made about his drinking, but of course didn't last. If I leave this time I need to be strong and stick with it.

hopeful4

Yes. However, it's important to know that even if you just need to get away for a little bit that is ok. If that makes you scared, something is badly wrong. It's a step at a time.

I will say they are like naughty children, so say what you mean, and mean what you say. Most importantly, take good care of YOU!

Berrybean

Well. He knew you were unhappy, he promised to change his ways and didn't. Unless he's really stupid he doesn't NEED an explanation. He's just relying on getting away with it regardless of how miserable it makes you. That's on him.

People don't just tell us what they're like and what their true intentions are (esp active alcoholics). They show us. And he's showing you. It's wise, when someone shows us what they're really like, to take notice and then take necessary action.

If you try to talk to him it'll just be more promises he can't really keep while he's drinking.

BB

AnvilheadII

trust me, he may ACT surprised and shocked, or wounded, or hell whatever, but deep down he is probably amazed you stuck it out this long.......

you have the absolute right to leave the relationship, the domicile, whenever you decide. obviously with a marriage, there's a bit more too the UNDOING than that, but in the short term get thyself to a place of calm and safety and peace.

Sailorgirl57

I could only talk to XABF about important things when he was sober. That gave me a window from 7:00 am to 8:00 am. Lol.

qtpi

I left and left a note. I was not happy with the changes he made. Stopped drinking but refused to discard dozens of bottles of booze or go to as. I felt bad about doing it that way but if I told him ahead of time he would have cleaned out all the financial accounts. If he had acted honorably after I left...he didn't...I would have at least gone to counselling with him. It still is hard to believe the difficulties he put me through...someone who said I love you but treated me like an undeserving slave.

ExMrsLopez

You can just leave. Just as I did a week ago.

AH was really mad, screamed and cursed at me over the phone for a week. Yet today he says he doesn't want to file what would be a simple uncontested divorce (since we have no kids or property to divide). Says he needs HIS space and that I'm the one who needs to change!

I truly believe he is brain damaged.

Learning14

Leave. The world will still keep spinning on its axis and he will have to deal with it.

L4Serenity

I felt the same way when i left....cant remember if that was the first or fifth time, but doesn't matter now. Took me a while to figure out its my life and he was dragging me down. I need love like anyone else and i was just a paycheck and housecleaner, child care worker, etc. I can do better and my child and i deserve better. Took me a long time to make sense of myself because the AH made me feel like i was the crazy one. But I'm not, i only want what everyone wants and deserves. I finally left in a rage after stewing about it for 2 weeks. Now I'm gone and have been since last summer, finally getting divorce started. I am very slow because i still had some crazy thought that he would just magically be a good husband and father. I've learned so much at al-anon meetings and now have the tools to move forward. I was depressed but with my 2 best friends, i can actually see that what was happening was not ok and my fear was there for a reason. I'm glad you are leaving, it gives me anxiety to know you could stay if you are at this point. Go find yourself. You deserve better.