Guilt over boundaries?
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Guilt over boundaries?
Hi, have any of you felt guilt over the boundaries you’ve set with your alcoholics? Lately I’ve been feeling bad for my AH not being able to drink. Which is crazy given the sheer he** that his drinking has put us through.
We haven’t changed our social circle yet and all of our friends and family drink. Alcohol is around us all the time, kids birthday parties, dinners, etc. He doesn’t openly talk about not drinking so there is an elephant in the room. I’m uncomfortable the whole time. I know he has a hard time watching everyone else drink while he can’t. And for some reason it makes me feel guilty because it’s my boundary that isn’t allowing him to drink and stay in our house.
Is this a total codie thing? Can anyone else relate to this?
We haven’t changed our social circle yet and all of our friends and family drink. Alcohol is around us all the time, kids birthday parties, dinners, etc. He doesn’t openly talk about not drinking so there is an elephant in the room. I’m uncomfortable the whole time. I know he has a hard time watching everyone else drink while he can’t. And for some reason it makes me feel guilty because it’s my boundary that isn’t allowing him to drink and stay in our house.
Is this a total codie thing? Can anyone else relate to this?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think maybe turn this around to gratitude that he is still sober.
Gratitude that he is making the choice every day to remain in your family.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I can tell you that even if I was given "permission" I still wouldn't drink and I have to go through the thought process of abstinence regardless of what others do.
This is still his choice, first and foremost.
Gratitude.
Gratitude that he is making the choice every day to remain in your family.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I can tell you that even if I was given "permission" I still wouldn't drink and I have to go through the thought process of abstinence regardless of what others do.
This is still his choice, first and foremost.
Gratitude.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Spahappy, that doesn't sound like a boundary to me, but a rule.
I think we all want to be able to tell our addicted loved ones that they can no longer drink, and that that would somehow magically turn into recovery. But it just doesn't work like that.
Rules, ultimately, are unenforcable. If he decides to drink, you will not be able to stop him.
A boundary is completely enforcable--by you. If your boundary is not to be in the same room with someone who is getting drunk, you can leave the room. If your boundary is not to be in a car with a driver who has been drinking, you can find another way to get wherever you're going. Do you see the difference? In both cases, YOU are in the driver's seat of Taking Action--Regardless of Whatever the Alcoholic Is or Isn't Doing. YOU are in charge of your own safety and peace.
With this rule, you've left him in charge of your serenity as much as if he was drinking.
I think we all want to be able to tell our addicted loved ones that they can no longer drink, and that that would somehow magically turn into recovery. But it just doesn't work like that.
Rules, ultimately, are unenforcable. If he decides to drink, you will not be able to stop him.
A boundary is completely enforcable--by you. If your boundary is not to be in the same room with someone who is getting drunk, you can leave the room. If your boundary is not to be in a car with a driver who has been drinking, you can find another way to get wherever you're going. Do you see the difference? In both cases, YOU are in the driver's seat of Taking Action--Regardless of Whatever the Alcoholic Is or Isn't Doing. YOU are in charge of your own safety and peace.
With this rule, you've left him in charge of your serenity as much as if he was drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Well I agree with bimini. It's his choice ultimately....
But I can relate to that uncomfortable feeling being out when everyone else is drinking and he's not.
I don't know that I would say felt guilty in those situations, but it was definitely tense and uncomfortable at times. I would feel like AH was angry with me for "making" him stay sober. One time he was literally glaring at me from across the room. So I told him to go ahead and drink if he wanted to drink, because I couldn't stand it. And he did.
Is he in treatment or going to AA?
But I can relate to that uncomfortable feeling being out when everyone else is drinking and he's not.
I don't know that I would say felt guilty in those situations, but it was definitely tense and uncomfortable at times. I would feel like AH was angry with me for "making" him stay sober. One time he was literally glaring at me from across the room. So I told him to go ahead and drink if he wanted to drink, because I couldn't stand it. And he did.
Is he in treatment or going to AA?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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because it’s my boundary that isn’t allowing him to drink and stay in our house.
ok, think we got rules and boundaries and permission a bit mixed up here.
it sounds like the RULE is if he wants to stay IN the house he cannot drink. it also sounds like you feel you are in CONTROL of his drinking or not.
regardless of any boundary or rule, he is choosing to comply....he is choosing not to drink. he also can turn that around any time HE chooses. without your permission.
i can say that it is a bit of a setup to continue to have or host parties and get togethers with lots of drinking and then banish him to the kids table. it's like standing outside the shade tent on a 100 degree day while everyone in the shade gets a wading pool and ice water. if you want a sober husband, i believe that to SOME degree there should be an effort to create at least a sober-ISH lifestyle.
ok, think we got rules and boundaries and permission a bit mixed up here.
it sounds like the RULE is if he wants to stay IN the house he cannot drink. it also sounds like you feel you are in CONTROL of his drinking or not.
regardless of any boundary or rule, he is choosing to comply....he is choosing not to drink. he also can turn that around any time HE chooses. without your permission.
i can say that it is a bit of a setup to continue to have or host parties and get togethers with lots of drinking and then banish him to the kids table. it's like standing outside the shade tent on a 100 degree day while everyone in the shade gets a wading pool and ice water. if you want a sober husband, i believe that to SOME degree there should be an effort to create at least a sober-ISH lifestyle.
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Soahappy......if he is truly wanting to be sober because he wants to have a sober life for himself (no matter what).....he wouldn't feel so resentful of you....
If he is just staying sober to remain in your house....he is likely to be harboring resentment toward you for separating him from his old friend (the alcohol)....
I suspect that you may, indeed, be so atuned to his every feeling, that you can actually feel his (possible) resentment or anger that he can't drink like other people. His feelings become "your" feelings....and if he feels negative or unhappy--you feel guilty..because you feel so responsible for him and helping him and fixing him.....
As I remember...he is still rather early in his attempt to become sober...or in recovery? Sober is not h aving any alcohol in the system....recovery means actively working on the internal changes needed to make life-long changes....
In early recovery...being in environments where everybody else is drinking is probably not a good idea....people in early recovery are often advised to avoid the people, places and things that trigger cravings to drink....
If he is drinking to keep you happy, but, not, yet, for himself....I think it is very likely that he will eventually relapse.....that is what usually happens.....
He has a better chance if he is in a program of recovery (because he wants to get into recovery).....than if he is just trying to white knuckle it without any help....
If he is just staying sober to remain in your house....he is likely to be harboring resentment toward you for separating him from his old friend (the alcohol)....
I suspect that you may, indeed, be so atuned to his every feeling, that you can actually feel his (possible) resentment or anger that he can't drink like other people. His feelings become "your" feelings....and if he feels negative or unhappy--you feel guilty..because you feel so responsible for him and helping him and fixing him.....
As I remember...he is still rather early in his attempt to become sober...or in recovery? Sober is not h aving any alcohol in the system....recovery means actively working on the internal changes needed to make life-long changes....
In early recovery...being in environments where everybody else is drinking is probably not a good idea....people in early recovery are often advised to avoid the people, places and things that trigger cravings to drink....
If he is drinking to keep you happy, but, not, yet, for himself....I think it is very likely that he will eventually relapse.....that is what usually happens.....
He has a better chance if he is in a program of recovery (because he wants to get into recovery).....than if he is just trying to white knuckle it without any help....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i can say that it is a bit of a setup to continue to have or host parties and get togethers with lots of drinking and then banish him to the kids table. it's like standing outside the shade tent on a 100 degree day while everyone in the shade gets a wading pool and ice water. if you want a sober husband, i believe that to SOME degree there should be an effort to create at least a sober-ISH lifestyle.
Please note that i am all in favour of rules/boundaries. There is a very fine line about what is a rule and what is a boundary, and often they cross over. I have boundaries/rules for my wife, and our counselor reviewed them and thought them to be good. The rule part is what is expected of her, and the boundary portion lets her know what i am willing to tolerate. So while some people do not feel it effective to put a rule in place, I see no harm in it.
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