mamabear26

Hello, I've been married to my soon to be XAH for 11 years. I have known him since I was 17 years old. We got married when I was 19 years old and had two boys who are 10 and 6. We got married when I was 4 months pregnant. We didn't live together until we got married (my parents are very traditional). After we got married it was horrible. He worked the night shift and would go out to coworkers house after work and drink until 5 or 6 in the morning. He would also invite his coworkers to drink at our home. Every weekend for the first 3 years of our marriage he was either out drinking with his brother or his brother was at our house with his friends drinking all night. My soon to be XAH would regularly throw up and came in stumbling and falling. We went through several cycles where I would yell at him and kick him out. He would stay away from about week then beg to come back home. One time it got a little physical. We were at his parents house visiting (he had been drinking the whole time) and his brother had gave him a box of beer (12 pack) to go. When we got home I hid the beer. He was looking for it and demanded I give it to him. I told him that he had enough beer for the day. He said he wanted it "now". I told him if he was going to continue to drink then he would have to leave and drink somewhere else. He said okay. I went to the trunk of my car to get the beer. He was watching me then I put in down in the drive way. He then began to walk towards the front door so did I. Then he began to run, I then realized that he was trying to get inside the house before me so I ran towards the front door. He got inside first. I stuck my arm in-between the door as he was trying to close it on me. He began to push me trying to throw me out of the house (our 18 months year son was in the room). I don't know how but I got enough strength and pushed my in the house. He then pinned my arms down and began to yell at me. He wouldn't let me go. When our son walked in then he let me go. I was left with red scratches and marks on my chest and arms. I was left alone every weekend with our son. He would help watch him during the week for a few hours while I was at work besides that he didn't really try to spend time with me or our son. After we bought our current home things got a little better. He was still drinking but it was moderate. I've went to his parents seeking help with him several times they would tend to make excuses. My soon to be XFIL even tried accusing me saying that "I spent too much time at my moms leaving him by himself at home." Around the 9th year of our marriage things got bad again. He was drinking right when he got home until he went to bed. He wasn't eating food. He was ignoring me and the kids. I would try to get him to do activities with the kids (movies, swimming etc) he wouldn't do it. He spent a lot of time on his phone. The kids had caught him peeing in our laundry room in the laundry basket. Then one day we got into an argument. He took off walking at 1am drunk. I called his parents to go and look for him. They found him at a park. He came back 2 days later and got some of his stuff and left to stay at his moms (he and his 34-year-old brother still live at his parents house and his brother's 36-year-old gf lives there too). He told the kids "he was going on a trip and would be back later." He didn't say a word to me. He began to take hundreds of dollars from our account every week. I would see charges at gas stations, liquor stores, outlets. He was very rude, mean and cold to me when I would question him. He even left me with little money to buy food and pay bills. I would ask him several times to watch his spending he would say "okay" and still do it. I asked him if we could see a marriage counselor or therapist, he refused. I asked him if there was someone else he said no. I encouraged him over the years to get help with his drinking, he didn't want it. He would get upset because I would only let visit the boys here in our home. My soon to be XAH and his brother are heavy drinkers. My brother in law also has gang afflictions. Around January of 2017, my cousin who is a police officer in my town told me he caught my soon to be XAH and a woman in car at the park at 10:30pm at night. I questioned him and he told me that our marriage was over (when i questioned him he was under the influence). He told me that he had been going "up North and down South with others" (whatever that means). I filed for divorce in March of 2017. We currently have a court order where he see's the kids the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of every month from 9am-2pm (only during the daytime). He pays child support and alimony. After we went to court to establish child support. He began to be nice to me. He wanted to spend time with me and the kids. He would call at all hours of the night. He would invite the kids and over to his moms house. But I refused to engage with his requests. He got upset with me because I got my own bank account (umm..we are divorcing). He wanted everything to "stay the same". I had gave him a chance to prove to me that he can be responsible so I let him take care of the kids on a day that was not on the visitation schedule while I attended a meeting. When I went to pick up the kids he was drunk and smelling like smoke. His mom had took the kids out to get an ice cream so I waited in my car for them. He came out got in my car and began to sexual harass me grabbing me and trying to force me to kiss him. I told him no. Once the kids got back, I got them and left. I felt traumatized and cried the whole night when I went home. He apologized the next day. I suspected he was seeing someone. Because he still left his direct deposit check in our joint account and I would see charges for restaurants. He would often call in the night and want to "talk". He promised me that he would always take care and be there for me and the kids. He has missed several milestone events, doctor appointments, emergency hospital visits, parent/teacher conferences. He had not submitted the paper work to continue with our divorce because he said "it hurt him to see me try and move on". After seeing the charges of the restaurants I confronted him and told him that he needed to submit his portion of the paperwork and leave me alone. I found out last month that a woman has been staying there on the weekends at his moms house. I felt betrayed and humiliated. This woman works with him she is about 5 years older with teenage kids that she leaves at home alone at night to sleep with him at his moms house. I feel so disappointed in his parents more because they are very religious people and to be allowing another woman to sleep there. I believe this has been going on since we were together. I also worry about what my kids are exposed to while they are visiting. He told me that its none of my business and that he was now ready to submit the paper work. Now I realized he was playing both sides trying to still act like we are a family unit while seeing this woman. A few weeks ago our son got really sick. I took him to the ER at 9:30pm, I texted him that we were there. His moms house is 2 blocks from ER. He responded with "whats going on" then I explained to him. He didnt responded until 7am. As we left the hospital at 1am, along the way home I saw that woman's truck parked in front of his moms house. He had decided to be with a woman over his sick child. That was the last straw for me. His mother came the next day and I asked her where he was last night. She basically lied for him. I told her I know whats going on. I also brought up his drinking and she stated that it wasn't going on around the children (which is not true). I'm feeling so frustrated, angry, bitter and sad. Ive spent the last 13 years trying to help this man and he could turn around and treat me and our kids like we are nothing. His family does not help and I feel like they contribute to his alcohol addiction and poor decisions. Ive decided to cut all contact with him and his family. I sent one last text letting him know that he can only call or text me when there is an emergency with the kids when they are with him. I also stated that he needs to stay away from me. I also told him that we are going to follow the court order visitation to the T. I would appreciate feedback and advice on the situations and if I am handling it appropriately?

PrettyViolets

So is it correct that your divorce is about to be finalized? When the divorce is finalized, then it is just about following the parenting plan that was set in the divorce.

Divorce care at a local church helped me a lot. I took the course 3 times. There is a Divorced Mom Support Group on Facebook.

The best advice that I could give you is to take care of yourself. This could be a spa day, reading a good self help book, being part of a divorce support group.

How do your boys feel about their father? Just keep remembering that your boys are 50% of both of you. It just helped to guide my decisions regarding my kids.

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Mamabear. It does sound like you have been through the wringer and back. I'm glad you found us but so so sorry for what you have been through.

What you are going through is super super tough. Hmmm . . . .you have probably realized this!! Please please take super duper good care of yourself and circle every wagon of support you can.

Many people have found Alanon to be helpful. Of course it isn't for everyone but may be worth trying a couple of different groups to see if this would help.

Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. If you are at all a reader, give it a try.

The book and alanon are not about the alcoholic but about changing yourself to live a healthier life.

Big hug lady and let us know how it goes.

Maudcat

Hi, Mamabear.
Welcome.
Recommend Al-Anon meetings for group support.
It can be really helpful.
Sadly, I don’t think you can look to him or his family for support, though it is good that he is paying support.
Honey, this is your life and your deal, alas.
Take care of yourself and the kids and, frankly, I hope you come to rejoice in the fact that king baby is out of your life and making some other woman miserable, as he surely will.

mamabear26

Hi PrettyViolets, we are nearing the end of the divorce. Its been a year since I filed and so now it is moving forward. We currently have temporary visitation orders we are following. He wanted to keep everything open and between us but I don't feel comfort with doing that. I did recently go to speak to the Priest at my church. I have been to one Al-non meeting before when I was in really bad shape. The nearest Al-non meeting is about 30 mins away from my town so its sometimes hard to find time. But I did learn a lot from that one meeting. I have been seeing a family therapist for the last few years to help me process everything and how to communicate with my boys about the situation appropriately. I have been focusing on my self. I started going to the gym. I am working and going to school. My older son has a lot especially when his father was living at home. He told me that when his dad lived with us he ignored him and didn't play with him. He would often go outside and ask his dad to come in and play with him. His dad would tell him "10 more mins" but he usually carried on drinking and smoking for a few more hours. Both my sons feel like things are better now with the visitation schedule because he is sober (i hope) and paying attention to them. He only see's them for a short period of time so I would hope he would make the best out of it.

mamabear26

Thank you Bekindalways for your recommendation on the book. I've been searching the internet for a good book to read regarding this situation. I have attended one Alanon meeting in the past. I did learn a lot from that one meeting. I hope to try and make it to another one soon. Thank you again for the positive feedback!

mamabear26

Hi Maudcat, I have attended one Al-Anon meeting last year in January when I was in pretty back shape. I learned a lot from that one meeting. The nearest Al-Anon meeting is 30 mins away from my town so sometimes its hard to make time to get to a meeting but I will most likely attend one soon! Yes, I've learned the hard way that his family is only going to be supportive of him and not do what's best for my kids (their grandchildren). I have been a work in progress. I've been going to the gym and I am seeing a family therapist to help me process the whole situation and she gives me advice on how to explain to my sons' whats going on. It is a relief that I do not have to deal with him anymore. I try to fill my days with the good things I have in my life but sometimes its hard not to think of the past. I just hope and pray that my sons' don't pick up any of his bad habits, that is now the only thing I worry about for the future. Thank you again for the supportive words and encouragement.

Seren

Good morning, mamabear, and Welcome!

You have found a great place for support. Believe me when I say you are among people who understand now.

I have no words of wisdom for you this morning, but hope that you will feel free to ask questions or to vent here all you need.

I'm glad you found us!

S

FeelingGreat

Hi mama, I was struck by how together you are during a time of turmoil and heart-break for you. I have no doubt that you will thrive now that you're independent (it may not seem that way for a while).
One thing I noticed was you're contrasting what he says with what he does. To save yourself more disappointment forget the words and just look at what he does. He's proved his words are meaningless.
You may find he's drinking while in charge of the boys, at it seems his mother will lie for him. Keep this in mind if there's any possibility of him driving with them.

Ladybird579

She basically lied for him. I told her I know whats going on. I also brought up his drinking and she stated that it wasn't going on around the children (which is not true).
You might want to tighten up your visitation arrangements via a lawyer as it is clear his mother cannot be trusted cos she lies for him and you don't know if he is drinking while he has your children. My brother used to only have his children at my mothers cos he is an alcoholic too but my mother would lie to his ex wife ( my bestie) and say he had taken the kids out/was busy in the garden with them....various stuff she said when in reality he was drinking in the bar and she was watching them. Soberlink might be an option where he has to blow at intervals to show he is sober while with your children and for so long before he has them.

mamabear26

Hi Seren, I am so glad I found this website. I've been looking for a group of people who understand and can relate to my situation. I love the quote!

mamabear26

Hi FeelingGreat,

I never really noticed that I was doing that contrasting his words with his actions. I can see that now. I guess I've been holding onto every word because I had hope that one day he would get better but it seems as though he is getting worse. My older son is well aware of his father's issues. If he were to see him drinking I told him not to get in a car with him and to call me (he has his own cellphone). I do worry about him drinking and driving with my boys but I'm now just relying on the court order and God to protect my children when they are with him. Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate you positive words.

mamabear26

Hi Ladybird,

The good thing is I have a great lawyer. He doesn't have one. My lawyer has brought up SoberLink to me. So far everything I have asked for he hasn't fought against. He has complied but he recently asked for more time with the children. I told him he needs to stop drinking or I would request SoberLink during visitation that he would have to pay for if he wanted more time with them. He doesn't want to pay for the SoberLink so he hasn't brought anything up since. My older son is well aware of his father's issues. He has seen a lot of his drunken actions over the years. When he comes home after his visits with him he usually will tell me what they did during that time. My sons and I are very close. My soon to be XAH is aware that my children tell me everything so I think he tries to be on his best behavior while they are there for the 5 hours.