Binge drinking weekends

Old 03-25-2018, 03:18 PM
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Binge drinking weekends

Hi, I've lurked on these boards for a while, and have read quite a few of your stories. It's such a weird relief to know I'm not the only one in this situation, and how much it sucks.

A little backstory, I've been with my BF for nearly 3 years, when we met I had no idea what alcohol addiction entails basically - no one in my surroundings drinks heavily, some don't even drink at all, and the only person I knew who liked to drink was a grandparent whom I had only met twice in my entire life before he passed away - nor did I have a clue he was such a big drinker. To say I've had a rather rude awakening is an understatement.

We dated around for a bit, and somewhere along the way we moved in together. I had noticed once in a while he liked to drink, but it didn't set any alarms off. It wasn't until we were living together I learned the truth about how much he drinks in a week. In the past he hardly touched the stuff, but about 4-5 year ago his previous LDR ended and his beloved dog died shortly thereafter; he found himself alone, probably slightly depressed & unhappy with his situation, a job he hated, and no healthy way to cope. He basically turned to drinking.

We have fought plenty of times, and it has always been about his drinking. I've tried to explain to him how his drinking is affecting me and our relationship. How the alcohol is literally standing in between us, how he's there, but not really present. How his drunken state always ends the same, and how he doesn't really see or hear me. That I'm angry at him for choosing to drink, how there's always a reason for him to choose alcohol, but can't find any to really want to spend time with me...etc etc. All to no avail.

I did tell him early on his drinking was making me rather uncomfortable, but as he made no sign of slowing down my message became clearer and louder as time went on, it has slowly turned into a weekly thing. I have to admit, there are times where my anger can't be contained and I know it's neither healthy nor helpful. So I've been slowly detaching from him, like I refuse to be near him when he's that drunk.

For me to cope with the amount, I've started to mark down how much he drinks on a calendar. Not glasses, oh heavens no, full bottles of course. He doesn't hide his bottles, so it's easy enough to see how much he's consumed. He's often in denial about how much and how often he drinks, and while he really dislikes the calendar (it's somewhere out in the open for all to see), it is tangible and undeniable proof.

After the calendar showed I was not exaggerating his 7-days a week drinking, did he vow to stop drinking during the week. And the past 6+ months he's pretty much done that.

Now of course is the weekly binge weekends, which starts Friday after work and lasts until Sunday evening, basically just stopping right before he goes to sleep. It shouldn't come as a surprise I no longer enjoy our weekends together. Every weekend it's standard 6-8 bottles now, and I can't stand it.

This weekend I lost my temper badly, and said something really hurtful as I lashed out at him. It wasn't pretty, basically inexcusable and I do feel really bad about it, I knew I wanted to hurt him at that moment and that it was something he would hear. I was just so upset how he was acting, I couldn't contain it. It worked, it took a bit of bashing before he finally understood where I was coming from.

I know I lashed out because I wasn't being heard. I know I was angry at him for not listening to me, not now or the previous times.

I know I was wrong for being hurtful, and I'm rather ashamed of myself for doing so.

Whoops, I didn't mean for this post to be so long, I guess I really needed to get this off my chest! I'm still learning how to cope with this situation as I feel like I've been dropped into the deep end. How does one cope with binge drinkers? And does it ever get better?
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Old 03-25-2018, 04:16 PM
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Sorry. It's hard to know how to deal with things. I know from experience, once you move the line of acceptance (it's "ok" if you only drink on the weekends) you don't exactly get what you bargained for. I would be willing to bet, also from experience, that he is drinking during the week and hiding it.

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I really do feel for you and your situation. I'm glad you are not married and don't have kids. Stick around here, take care of yourself, and at least for now take yourself out when he is drinking.

7-8 bottles of what?
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Old 03-25-2018, 04:18 PM
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No. It gets worse. I've researched alcoholism so much I finally stopped because I just was tired of the whole vile subject. Short explanation...alcohol damages the part of the brain that controls impulse. They try to stop, they can't without help. They do have a choice to stop obviously, they choose not to.

I did the exact same thing you've done with your ABF, trying to make them see the damage they are doing, trying to tell them how much its hurting you, trying trying trying. Big arguments, saying hurtful things to try to get through to them. It never, ever worked. He didn't stop. He cut down so many times, it never stuck. And alcoholism is progressive. You've seen that will your own two eyes right?

I did that for 18 years. I guess I'm kinda tenacious that way. Or clueless. The damage I allowed to happen to myself is massive. I'm buried and its almost impossible to dig myself out.

Everyone on this forum will tell you the exact same thing I just told you. They've BTDT. Never will he quit until HE is ready. You can't convince him otherwise. If you had that power, he'd be happy and sober right now. Its a miserable, gut wrenching thing to dig yourself out of staying in an alcoholic relationship. Get out before you get there.
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Old 03-25-2018, 05:07 PM
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My husband drink less Monday through Thursday and drank more on the weekend. Every year the amount would increase. No amount of anger or nothing you say or do will make him stop until he's ready to. If he isn't listening or hearing you now chances are he might not even when sober. It might just be his personality or his denial.
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Old 03-25-2018, 05:56 PM
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It is a progressive disease. Their AV will tell them to drink wine instead of beer (duh, wine has higher alcohol content?), only drink at weekends, only have 2 which becomes 12, drink one beer, one water, one beer, have a break for a week etc, all sorts of supposed limitations on the drinking. But they never work, the reality is that they have to stop completely, not even ONE.
My RAH did all of those tricks and it would start off as a few this week, the next week a few more, following week 4 times a week out, then eventually, off the wagon completely with binging, vomiting, sleeping in till the afternoons, etc. It never ends well unless they work a program.

As for you, if you are counting, marking bottles etc, you are already on the crazy train and need to get yourself off before it destroys you. You are probably co dependent. Read, Melodie Beatties Co-Dependent No more book.
Stop covering for him, policing him, etc.
Remember you
Cannot cure him, cannot control him and do not make him drink. He had to come to that realisation.
You must join Al-Anon to get the support you need.
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Old 03-25-2018, 07:46 PM
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I am right now in the middle of getting out of my marriage which was everything you described above. It is tough and I am an emotional mess while he could not care less.
Nothing you say or do will make him change if he does not want to. I tried, cried, hot, banged my head, banged his head, did a lot shameful things out of frustration. Nothing. I walked out frustrated . Left him. Nothing changed. He is a weekend binger- that is what he told me. Except, he forgot to mention how many times he was stopping on his way back from work to take some shots.
He is very very high functioning. For now, he has Lost nothing but a nagging wife. You need to get off the crazy train and get some help for yourself. My husband got very very emotionally and verbally abusive once he realised that I was not going to back off . I am now going to al anon and to a psychologist for trauma therapy. RUN and do not look back.
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Old 03-25-2018, 08:59 PM
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It will get worse and eventually he will revert back to drinking daily more than likely, he may doing that already and hiding it. They’re masters at that. Like PP said, read codependent no more. For me that was the start of really starting to understand how this really worked. Both the alcoholic and codependent part. He will blame you and make it your fault somehow which is normal. I’m not surprised you blew a gasket, but nothing you say or do will make a difference. As many have said on this forum, if our love could cure their addiction this forum wouldn’t exist and there wouldn’t be as many alcoholics. We have no control over what they do. And until they themselves see it as a problems nothing will change, until then it is just a problem for us....
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Old 03-26-2018, 04:34 AM
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And does it ever get better?

Nope. It gets much, much worse. I also think the chances he is only drinking on weekends are nil. You just won't know. My exah was in the house 24/7 and hide the extent of his drinking from me. I did 20 years...20 years and ruined my life and my kids. Get out while you still can.
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Old 03-26-2018, 06:48 AM
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I did tell him early on his drinking was making me rather uncomfortable, but as he made no sign of slowing down my message became clearer and louder as time went on, it has slowly turned into a weekly thing.
So why do you stay? He’s clearly not changing and you clearly saw his drinking as a problem early on and this is what your relationship has become all about, his drinking and you complaining about that, marking a calendar to show “proof” about his drinking and what you already know.

Sounds like it’s time to put the calendar away, find the door, walk through it, and end this dysfunctional unhappy relationship.

You want him to “change” who he’s always been, a drinker right from the start. I always say if you can’t accept someone for exactly who and how they are today then you have no business being in a relationship with them.
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Old 03-26-2018, 06:54 AM
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Many thanks to all who replied. I really do appreciate the messages. And yes, I'm very happy we're neither married nor have any kids, that would truly make it so much more complicated.

I meant 6-8 bottles of wine.

And while it may sound incredulous, he really does lay off the booze during the week. He doesn't hide his drinking, and fully knows what my thoughts are regarding it, but weirdly enough this is something he is honest about. He doesn't go to bars to drink, he might have gone to bars in his younger years, but not for as long as I've known him. Not even for a date in the beginning of our courtship. Restaurants yes, bars no. Too crowded for his liking.

I know it may sound too good to be true, but he has cut back the drinking during the week. I guess it's because of this I'm still with him, and probably indeed hoping against all odds.
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Old 03-26-2018, 07:13 AM
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He doesn't hide his drinking, and fully knows what my thoughts are regarding it, but weirdly enough this is something he is honest about.

Am sorry but really you wouldn't know. Active alcoholics are not honest about anything. My exah husband collapsed in front of me one day cos his spirit drinking perforated his duodenum( I never ever even saw an empty spirit bottle in the house much less him drinking any). I thought I knew what he was drinking. I was stunned when we got to the ER cos they worked it out right away..something I'd missed for 20 years! He was home all day, he rarely left the house except to buy alcohol which I thought was 6 cans of beer. I saw his receipts. I thought I was on it but the reality was he drank much, much more. He even sneaked down at night when I was asleep. Your bf can drink in a restaurant, he can drink in his car, he can drink anywhere you are not..at work.... anywhere. They just do. Mine used to hide a bottle in the toilet cistern and take a crafty swig when he went to the loo. Am not telling you this to step up your monitoring of his drinking. That is a waste of time and he's a grown adult who can drink when and what he likes. Am telling you this to hopefully get you to understand you are not in control of what he is doing and you will never know the full extent of it. You either live with it or leave cos he won't change. Why should he? It's not like he was sober when you met him. You knew what he was like when you moved in together.
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:43 PM
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Whether or not he is sneaking drinking, or whether or not you have an exact count of the number of units of alcohol he consumes, doesn't make a lick of difference. His drinking is all on his side of the street. He's an adult doing exactly what he wants to do.

So what do you want? I mean you cannot change him nor even expect him to change. He is not unique in any way, he sounds like any alcoholic in behavior. So even if all he ever does is binge on weekends for the next 20 years, what do you want out of your love life? You are a free human being. You can leave him to his chosen lifestyle and pursue your own!
Peace,
B.
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:56 PM
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How does one cope with binge drinkers? And does it ever get better?
Binge drinking is a stage in the progression of alcoholism. I think the best way to cope with an active alcoholic is to leave. Nothing you can say or do will affect his drinking, you can only save yourself.
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Old 03-26-2018, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Binge drinking is a stage in the progression of alcoholism. I think the best way to cope with an active alcoholic is to leave. Nothing you can say or do will affect his drinking, you can only save yourself.
I hate to say this but it is true. I wish my wife had left me years ago - I am now in recovery but the damage I've done to her is massive. I'm undergoing profound personal changes but it took me years to accept and take responsibility for my disease.

Breaking up is hard to do, but the pain you will go through now is nothing compared to the long term torture you will otherwise be signing yourself up for.

You could try an ultimatum to try AA or you will walk, but as others have said nothing really works until HE is ready to face his problem and take action.

M180
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Old 03-27-2018, 02:58 AM
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my parnter is very similar to urs the only difference is that i have kicked him out now twice because of his drinking. this last time that i have icked him out on the first day he beg and tried to guilt me into letting him come back when i told him that i was no longer going to share my life with an acohcolic he admitted that yes he does have a problem and has no gone cold turkey it has only been two days but i have told him that as much as i want to trust him when he says his not drinking i cant that this time is word isnt good enough that he had to prove to me that he is staying sober while not living in the same house as me before we could start something again he even said to me that i can get a breathalyzer to check him to show that he was telling the truth. in some part of me i want to do that but the other part doesnt want to feel like im the sober cop i have no idea if this will help you i just wanted u to know i know wat ur feeling and it sucks big time i just dont know what to do anymore either
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