mylifeismine

I hope Alanon will be a great help to you & that you find a great
meeting group & in time a sponsor.

Not sure this will be of help in your situation, but my most important
boundary I made was when I told my AH that I needed our home to
be a safe place for me and that as long as there was verbal harassment
(picking fights, being critical) or threats (this talk happened the day
after an unprecedented threat) our home was not a safe place and
I would do what I needed to to feel safe. I know you can't leave
because of the kids, but its not a bad idea to have a plan in case
there comes a time you have to, even if for one night or two.

Lakegirl111

Well, that is a nice idea, but...nope, no spare room.
4 bedroom house. 3 kids (definitely do not want to combine them/share rooms at this point....the ages just aren't good for that right now and the rooms are small.)
We do have a basement but we just moved here in December and we're still sorting through boxes and lots of stuff (ugh, moving sucks). We're having a garage sale in the spring (we live in the Midwest so trust me, it's not spring yet) and we will have a lot more space in the basement after that. But..... it's a cold cinder block basement. Blegh. The thought of sleeping down there makes me so sad.....but I guess compared to the alternative of sleeping next to mr. Gross..... maybe not so bad. Sigh.....that might be my only option. You're right about the possibility of him becoming loud and trying to get in the bedroom if it was locked. I sure don't want that scenario.

Ladybird579

Now, unfortunately, I've reached a point where I don't think it's the wisest thing to do for all of the many reasons stated in this thread. It's a heartbreaking conclusion for me to come to.

Yes I did home school all my children but some of them bitterly resented me for the situation it put them in 24/7 and 3 of of my 8 do not speak to me anymore at all. They all did well...university and MA's and have good careers but one had a baby 2 years ago I've never seen and say she will NEVER home school. Her memories are my exah and his antics on a daily unrelenting basis that she had little escape from.

It's sad to say but all us married to alcoholics dream of a normal relationship and a normal life for our kids but in reality unless we escape the alcoholic it can't happen.

However the elephant in the room that seems to get lost on this thread is from your newcomer post that was copied over here you husband is verbally and emotionally abusive both to you and your kids and throws stuff around. This isn't about home schooling really. It's about how you live your life and if you are prepared to keep your kids in a progressively worsening situation. The abuse is part of who he is..nothing to do with his drinking.

Lakegirl111

That sounds terrible, ladybird. I'm truly sorry you had to go through that.

I think there's a misunderstanding from that first thread I posted.
The stuff that he broke all resulted from him attempting to do normal tasks while drunk. He literally couldn't seem to grip anything with his hands (example....we were in the midst of unpacking from the move and had a flat screen TV on our bed..he picked it up to put it somewhere else but couldn't handle it and dropped it on his foot...... another example was that he was trying to get something out of the refrigerator and because he was drunk, he wasn't careful at all and dropped a full jar of pickles... ) He didn't throw anything around.
What scared me was the verbal abuse and because he was just sounding so insane. Nothing he said was making sense and it was scary.

Clover71

Do you have enough room in the home to have your own room?



Sorry. I should have read the entire thread first. I see you only have the basement. (Same here).

Ladybird579

You said :- Wrong. It only took 2 weeks in the new house for a complete blow out. He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.

Now you are minimising that it all happened cos he was drunk :-

The stuff that he broke all resulted from him attempting to do normal tasks while drunk.

What scared me was the verbal abuse and because he was just sounding so insane.

Verbal abuse is not OK. It's not a better form of abuse. It's still abuse and from bitter experience it escalates to other forms of abuse. My exh went from verbal, along with emotional abuse which you have already to throwing things at me to physical and sexual abuse. My feeling is you are making excuses for him and minimising how he effects you all. I did the same when I was with my exah. I built my family life on sinking sand and buried my head in it hoping for the best. I also slept in a separate bed but it is not a marriage. All the avoiding him in your own home stuff you have to do is a band aid .

ladyscribbler

My ex used to follow me around the house when he was drunk. If he wanted to rant, he was going to have his audience. There was no "going to another room" to get away from the conflict because if he wanted to fight, there was going to be a fight.

This behavior got worse and eventually got physical. My ex got to where he only tried to do normal household things if he was drunk. It was part of the aggression. A way of scaring us with his behavior. Then he started intentionally destroying the kids' and my stuff while drunk, blocking us from leaving rooms while he verbally abused us.

Of course he doesn't want you having more independence. His behavior relies in part on a captive audience.

I'm glad you found us here, though I'm sorry you're in this situation at all. Stay strong and know that we're here for you.

biminiblue

I'd say in fact you can leave the house. OR, you can have him removed.

Call a Domestic Violence phone number in your area. There are places to go with your kids where you will feel safe.

Alternately, if he is on a ranting drunk, the police will remove him and you can get a restraining order.

Keep thinking like a victim and you'll remain a victim. Start finding a way out, and you'll find a way out. You need to get others involved.

Lakegirl111

Good thoughts, ladybird.
I do feel myself attempting to minimize things.

Lakegirl111

I went to my first meeting this morning.
Cried my eyes out through the entire thing. Everybody was so nice. I instantly felt the bond with those people because I could identify with them. Didn't try to hide the tears because they all knew why I was crying!

Lakegirl111

Hey guys!

So is it better to start a new thread for an update, or to add onto an existing post with the update?

Anyway, here's my update:
* Husband is still sober
* I polished my resume and have a meeting tomorrow with my former employer to discuss returning. I am really looking forward to this.
* I am attending Al-Anon when I can, but the meeting times don't mesh well with my schedules right now.
* I am seeing a therapist. Today was my third session and I can definitely see how it is going to help me.

That's all!

Nata1980

For years, I would not let my son ride a bus. Why? Because I needed XAH to have incentive to get up and take him to school. And I would have to wake up BOTH of them every day.

I hated summers. XAH taught at college so he was sitting idle on his arse all summer long. I always planned activities for XAH and DS, and made sure he was not in camps all summer long since I was afraid dad will have too much time on his hands.

I look back at myself and cringe. He is a grown arse man. And here I was, scurrying around, making sure he does not get the blues, or cabin fever, or whatever else may make him drink/use drugs. Setting up date nights, planning vacations, I’ve done it all.

I firmly believe that kids can grow up well adjusted in home schooling, public schooling, and private schooling situations. I also know that kids typically do not not grow up well adjusted in an active addiction situation (and some “recovering” situations as well)

I know that’s not what you have envisioned.
Hang in there - you will get through this. Whatever is the best for you will be automatically the best for your kids.

Lakegirl111

Thanks, nata! Good words of wisdom there.

aliciagr

Great Update Lakegirl ! ( you can post here or do a new thread, whichever you prefer ). Sounds like all is going well. Good Luck tomorrow - I sense a positive attitude and Im sure it will shine through in your meeting.