Lakegirl111

Wow. Thank you all for your kind, firm words of wisdom. I am going to keep referencing this thread as I continue to educate myself.

I will work on reaching out in real life.
I welcome any additional advice!!!!!
Truly, thank you.

Oh one question.....
I definitely feel like I'm going to have to tell me family soon. Do I involve him in that conversation or do I do it without him? I feel like that's a stupid question, but this is so foreign to me......

Lakegirl111

We haven't done therapy .....yet
Part time for what I'm qualified to return to is not really a thing. It's all or nothing.

trailmix

She didn't want to go outside but you told her to because Dad insisted in his "off" state.

That is the thing. I don't know how much you have researched how Alcoholism affects children but what you described is one of the key things.

This teaches her that Dad has to be treated differently, things need to be smoothed over, that it doesn't matter what her feelings are about it and even though not wanting to go outside should be one hundred percent ok in this case - just have to make sure the other person is ok (with Mom backing this up).

This, repeated, will be something she carries with her. It's ok to be treated like your feelings don't matter.

hearthealth

One of my early threads with SR was whether I should cut down on my hours or not. The resounding response I received was no. I'm going to tell you something I haven't shared with SR. Since H stopped drinking and I stopped the divorce proceedings I did cut back on my hours. Now I can't increase my hours. It makes me feel stuck. I definitely had more options and more money when I was working more. The children handled the increased hours just fine. Yes, I enjoy being there for the children but I am definately stuck for now.

aliciagr

Yes I did tell them but I had to work up the courage to do so. One of the best things I did for myself was to go see a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine. It helped to clarify all of the behaviors I was seeing. My husband was mixing drugs and alcohol, and I was afraid at times, with good reason. His behavior and his language to me were both completely out of character for him. The fact that he didn't recognize the behaviors, the cause and stop made me so confused. He was smart, capable and I trusted him. So, seeing the Dr helped me understand he was making choices, but his judgment and decisions were clouded by his own thinking. The worst part of addiction and why its so hard to treat it. But once I got all of that and wrapped my mind around it. I was able to first contact my parents and let them know what was going on. Later, I reached out to a few friends and so it went.

I shared a lot of information that I got from the Dr with my family so they could begin to understand what was going on. They had a very hard time believing some of the things I described because it was not the man they knew. There was some anger and fear for me. But they turned out to be very compassionate and supportive not only to me, but also to my husband.

The Dr helped me to get what I feel is a good perspective on treatment and recovery also. Its very common for people to struggle initially, to slip. Its also something where there is often a trial and error approach. Multiple types of treatment and support may be needed to get a person healthy again. I explained all this to my family and it helped. This thing about why cant he just stop is really tough to explain especially if you have not experienced addiction.

The part where he knows he needs to keep busy, idle time. I personally don't see this as a negative. People have to identify their triggering emotions and such. I think its why they even say support groups can help. If you feel like you need to use then most likely there are meetings you can go to and it will break the cycle of thinking. But other activities can work just as well in my opinion. Its about changing patterns, making new habits while the brain is healing. ending associations that are triggers.

I don't know your family and how they handle things. I also went to my inlaws initially. That was ?? My MIL is very emotional and her "excitement" hasn't really help either of us. But the fact that they knew what was going on was a relief to me. Hiding things, and stuffing my emotions wasn't working too well and caused stress.

There is a thread on here about PTSD / anxiety that you might like to read. Some of us seem to be identifying, and have been diagnosed by our Drs with this. Its not about huge traumatic happenings necessarily but more about the cumulative effects of stress over time.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tive-ptsd.html (Anyone diagnosed with Cumulative PTSD?)

Bernadette

Just in general, I felt this sickening, out of control spiraling type of fear.

I used to feel that nameless fear a lot when I was a little girl. My Dad was an alcoholic. I knew something wasn't right with our family from like kindergarten or 1st grade...so what's that 6 yrs old?

It took me 15 years to be able to name it, since our Mom didnt have the guts to just talk to us about what was going on and to just call it alcoholism. We were taught that what was going on was so shameful we better not name it or speak about it or ask about it, and it must be our own dang fault if we were scared or confused or angry! I learned a lot of twisted sh*t in that environment.

I feel that same sickening fear when I see my A brothers wasted, but I know the name now, and I know how to evaluate it and not let it paralyze me or shame me. Blech......

I'm so glad you're here and reaching out!

Peace,
B.

FireSprite

YES! (please don't take the following personally but this is such a great, rare example to share....)

This is precisely how it starts - small, insignificant stuff that so very easy to brush off & explain away. Especially with the youngest children - they don't have the power of vocabulary & life experience to speak from. At 5/6, DD told me she would always want to visit daddy if we divorced, but not stay with him primarily because, "he just seems to make a lot of bad decisions". That was the best she could verbalize her discomfort, which was enormous by then due to a series of events that started exactly like the incident you shared here.

What they are born with, like every other animal in Mother Nature's Kingdom, are built-in gut instincts, which were telling her something was off. But then Mom's response told her to question that gut-tug & instead of honoring it, she trusted your guidance. (Another natural trait we have when we trust the people around us at such a young age.)

Repeated over time & with increasingly hard to ignore behaviors, we as children of addicts learn to never trust own instincts, that they are wrong. Sometimes after raising the alarm bells to no response over & over again, our gut brain decides to stop alerting us to what we refuse to hear in it's best "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" philosophy. It will not continue wasting energy because it's not an emotional response - it's instinctive.

We don't develop the tool of trusting ourselves as we mature, always reaching for outside validation & ultimately becoming outright dependent on it. It's all like erosion -gently happening in tiny measures over a lengthy amount of time.

As an adult in recovery, rebuilding this relationship with Self & re-connecting with my "guts" were the first, most critical pieces I needed in place in order to rebuild myself... and by then I was almost in my 40's.

dandylion

Lakegirl.....just so you know...most therapists will not see a couple for couple's counseling until the drinking is stabilized. Instead, individual counseling and support groups are usually recommended. There are a lot of good reasons for that.
For yourself and the issues that you are struggling with..within yourself...some individual counseling might be a good option for you at the same time as alanon. You can certainly do both.
Again...keeping the focus on you rather than him and his alcoholism.....When alcoholism is an issue ...the family tends to begin to organize everything abound the alcoholic and the alcoholic's needs (not always consciously).....that is why it is called a family disease...because it begins to effect everyone in the family.....That needs to stop.....Keep reading and learning....

aliciagr

With my husbands parents - I told them when he was in active addiction and acting very crazy. There was no point in telling him in advance.

But with my parents, it was different. He was not actively drinking or using but was early in recovery. He was having lots of issues with anxiety, depression. However I did talk to him about it. It was something he knew I was struggling with. He was afraid for me to tell them because of how this might change their feelings, or they might simply want me to leave him. But he ended up saying that it was ok and that it would be hard but they were our family. I needed them and he hoped they would 'not kill him. ha.

Family therapy can be initiated at any time in my experience. What can happen is that the therapist will suggest both people also begin individual therapy too.

Lakegirl111

Holy. Crap.

Everything. Eeeeeverything I'm reading from you guys is just.....eye opening?
Feeling really sick to my stomach right now.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

dandylion

Lakegirl....this is a lot to process at one time....
This is why it is important to pace yourself and realize that you don't have to make any immediate decisions....as long as you are safe, of course.
It is important to focus your energy on yourself and get some support for yourself.....this allows you the time and space to begin to see things with more clarity.....

PuzzledHeart

Late to the conversation, but I wanted to provide you with my own experience.

My husband is not my qualifier (my sister is). However, he has a chronic heart condition which was diagnosed when he was trying to increase his life insurance.

IF you want to stay home and homeschool the kids you need to recognize that your earning potential is going to take a huge hit. Given your husband's history, you need to financially prepare yourself for the possibility that something is going to happen to him.

I know of one family where the dad made big bucks, the mom stayed at home, the kids went to private school but he did NOT get life insurance. He got colon cancer, and his last dying days were spent updating his GoFundMe page because there was just no way without his income that they could keep the house. It was heartbreaking to read his apology; he realized he had done something financially foolish but he had put it off until it was too late.

My husband cannot increase his life insurance because of his condition, so I went back to work. I have a hard enough time keeping track of current trends and technologies while I am at work so I can't imagine what it must be like when you're not. We live on his salary, and save on mine. We are fortunate enough that he DID have life insurance to begin with, so if something happened to him we would have at least enough to pay off the house. We also have six months of liquid savings, and we are on target for retirement.

We both had to undergo medical examinations to qualify, and I'm pretty sure they asked questions about alcohol and drug consumption. If your husband is not willing to go through this procedure, then you will have more information about his state of mind and his ability to think in the long-term.

Lakegirl111

When I left my job 4 years ago, we got serious about life insurance. We have hefty policies on both of us, thank goodness. I'm very glad we did that. (We pay the yearly premium instead of monthly. That's a bill you don't want to ever risk forgetting to pay!)

Speaking of medical stuff in general....
Right before this last relapse (relapse happened on March 12....). On March 11, I requested that he take a urine test (we have some......a way to be held accountable). The test was negative for alcohol (the relapse happened the next day) BUT the pee smelled so strongly of almond. Seriously. Almond. So strong. Not even a whiff of regular pee odor. (Gross, I know, but hey) So.... he's going to the doctor this coming Monday because a quick search told us that was NOT a good symptom. It really scared him.

Givenup2018

Whether you are there or not watching him is irrelevant

1. You cannot cure his drinking
2. You cannot change his drinking
3. You have to detach and leave him to his own devices.

I would get a job. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and you may well find that you will need the money for yourself and children.
You cannot force your AH to do anything. Join Al-anon and take care of yourself and your kids.
You are enabling him if you babysit him and watch him all the time, this is his responsibility not yours.

Clover71

I see no need to involve him. Reaching out is for you. I waited far too long to tell anyone because I thought I was betraying him and it was embarrassing. Big mistake. It was such a relief to have support. You need support in this. Choose the person or persons you trust the most. You don't have to tell everyone.

As far as going back to work, I did and it really has been so good for me. Mind you, I wanted to go back to work and could not find full time work. I finally have and wow, what it has done for me is amazing. It will be a big change not being with the kids this summer, but we will all adjust.

I'm sorry to say that he does sound controlling to me, in a subtle way. My AH is like this, and it took me a long time to see that subtlety.

Do you have any time outside of the home to yourself?

Ladybird579

He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.

I didn't see this post that was copied over until now Sorry to add to your feelings of being overwhelmed but you know he is abusive don' t you?
and:-

It was bedtime for the kids and he was pressuring our oldest child to come out to the garage with him and work on a project. Our child expressed they didn't want to (it was very cold). I did not step in because I knew it would cause a big scene in front of said child and I didn't want that.


He can't be trusted with them and frankly I'd have gone to war never mind stepped in but you are still feeling your way ((hugs)). Problem is abuse and alcoholism do not go hand in hand normally. His abusiveness when he chucking stuff around, "being terrible" and so emotionally abusive is a separate issue and sorry to say will escalate. Am kind of wondering what you are hoping for here long term? Do you think he will change? How much will you put up with before it gets too much and how much will you allow him to effect your precious children who did not ask for any of this. I says this gently cos I did the whole am married for life thing. I was brought up a Christian and clung on for 20 years and lost everything in the process.

Clover71

Yeah. I also had not seen that post and feel the same. My AH doesn't always act right with the kids. (The occasions are fairly rare) I have found ways to step in where it doesn't cause a major scene.

boreas

A couple of thoughts...

Having seen violence in one of my own relationships as well as in my work, I thought it worth pointing out the progressive nature of abusive relationships. IME, it started with verbally chipping away at my esteem, (“fatass” comes to mind), and progressed to general outbursts. One thing I noticed in hindsight was that these outbursts where he was SO ANGRY he needed to break something, the things that got broken were always my possessions or things that had value to me. He’d walk by his own crap to get his hands on something of mine. So when he was supposedly out of control, he was actually totally in control. Just something to watch for.

Of course, it progressed to my head being the object he was trying to break. But after the period of “grooming” he put me through, I almost believed it was normal and my fault. Almost.

Going back to work gives you autonomy, independence, and choices. If you decide to do so, his reaction will tell you a great deal. Alcoholics, especially those prone to violence, thrive on control and secrecy. Now is the time to gather some resources for yourself in case you need them.

I also thought I needed to stay at home and dedicate myself to raising my son. But I didn’t, and he is a happy, healthy 16 year old who sees a mom who is beholden to no one. There is value in whatever path you choose.
-bora

Lakegirl111

On his days off, I usually do some grocery shopping here and there, or I just go out to get "out" (I call it retail therapy.). It's not much, but something. Aside from that though....alone without the kids? Sometimes my parents stop over and hang out for a few hours to see us/the kids on Saturdays (both of my parents still work so Saturdays they have off). I use that time to slip away for an hour or so.
That's about it. It's hit and miss.

Sasha1972

Somebody may have said this already, but I think that going back to work provides you with options in the future, in addition to whatever impact, positive or negative, it has on your day-to-day life. IF (not saying that this will happen, but IF) your husband gets a lot worse and you are contemplating leaving - having an independent income will let you do so. It will give you a choice. You won't have to stay because you can't manage financially. It's like making an investment now in order to have options in the future. With homeschooling, you were doing that to prepare your children for the future, right? Choosing to go back to work full-time is the same thing - it's setting up possibilities for the kids' futures.