vltskynse

I initially tried to write everything that has been going on for the last 2 years with my ex/boyfriend, but I ended up typing a novel. And I'm sort of tired of reliving the details. There is so much hurt and terrible things. I joined because I truly don't have anyone in my life who I trust to tell these things. We are both 24.
Really long story but in short, he's an alcoholic and he has acknowledged it a few times but nothing ever gets better. He's been so terrible to me when drunk and blacks out, a lot.
He moved in with me in December. He wanted to, he asked me. I obliged because I love him so much though I felt uneasy. I never told any of my family that he moved in because I knew it wouldn't last too long.
Last Friday night we both were drinking. This last month was awful with his drinking for some reason and it took a lot out of me. He got into bed with me and turned away from me and I flipped out of nowhere and told him we were done and to get out. Things got physical on both our parts, I started it. He held me over the sink and I could hardly breathe and that's when I was done and breathlessly told him just to leave. Next day I found a bunch of my hair on the kitchen floor that he ripped out.
He left everything here. Even his clothes. He threw the spare key on the ground and left.
Sunday night he said he was moving out and would get his things tomorrow. He never did. It's been over a week and everything is still here. Clothes, PS4, shoes. He was over once since then and didn't take anything. I just find it odd. I finally messaged his mom last night about him drinking. She agreed with me has alcohol issues and even told me today that her boyfriend was going to go talk to him about his drinking. Not sure if he did or what happened.
He has me blocked on Facebook and I blocked his number from calling me or notifying me if he texts me. I'm really sad and this last week left me so depressed. I told him tonight that I haven't drank since that night and I don't want to, because I will never again be drunk and angry and violent. I don't plan to contact him anymore until he shows up to get his stuff, finally, or maybe spending time apart will help mend things and he will realize. I really don't think that he will but I'm here feeling content with either outcome.
I don't know why he doesn't even want his clothes. I don't know why he's keeping everything he owns here. Am I better off just throwing everything on the porch and telling him to get it and wash my hands entirely, or do I sit here and try to heal alone and hope he comes back one day?
I know that all he has been doing this last week is getting wasted.

SoManyQuestions

Sweetie, you need to separate yourself from him physically and,as much as possible, emotionally. Until he makes the decision to stop drinking and address his alcoholism, the relationship will only get worse. You are way too young to invest any more time and emotion with this guy, even if you love him.

My guess is that he left his clothes and stuff there because he is not done with you and thinks that at some point you will take him back. Possibly you could drop his stuff off at his mom’s. Keeping him in your life sounds dangerous to me since he has demonstrated his potential for violence.

You need emotional support at this time...friends, family, Al Anon and this SR forum. Wishing you the best and a much happier future down the road,

D122y

V,

I like Som's idea. Pack up his stuff and drop it off at his Mom's house.

Active addicts are basically insane. If he shows up, drunk or not, you could call the cops. If you want to try to make it work, consider what we are telling you as a warning.

The main issue here is, once he gets a domestic violence type charge in his record, getting a great job becomes more difficult.

Many employers have 0 tolerance for this type of behavior and will move on to the next application.

But the essence of the problem is....you could have been badly injured during that last altercation. If you both were drunk, you both were going to get in trouble if the cops came last time.

Basically, this is one big drunken mess. Addiction 101. I believe getting clean for a 24 year old is as hard as ever. The body bounces right back, so the mind has to deal with the cravings without any other motivation. Tough stuff.

My wife used to avoid me when I was drinking because it was...anything can happen time.

I was lucky she never called the cops.

I cleaned up and things are better now. Getting cleaned up was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was hell on earth.

Thanks.

vltskynse

I don't drive and his mom lives in another town. I'm pretty sure if I threw everything out and told him to come get it he would. And actually he is already a felon.... he was out of prison a few months before we met for almost 2 years being there. I knew this right away. Not alcohol related it was a bad hit and run accident he did.
Last year March we ended up having some trouble and I had a battery filed against me from him. Luckily I got it dropped.
The worst thing is his family enables him to drink a lot. His brother and sister and best friend, their favorite activity is to drink and smoke weed. I don't smoke at all and rarley ever drank before this. I feel most of the time he drinks because they are and it's peer pressure. I've told him before he doesn't have to drink just because they are. None of them care what I think or say because I'm "exaggerating" even though none of them know what I have dealt with.

A cop did show up last time because a neighbor called. Neither of us got into trouble just told him it was a verbal argument and he left and gave my ex a ride to his brother's house.

Ladybird579

Things got physical on both our parts, I started it.

Last year March we ended up having some trouble and I had a battery filed against me from him

Stay away from him cos you have admitted you get violent. Women being violent is just as bad as men and until you work on your own issues you are should not be around him or any other relationship. It sounds like you have issues with alcohol you may need to address. Drinking with him and getting violent is not the act of someone who does not have problems with alcohol even if you say it is something that has been happening recently..

Maudcat

Hi, vltskynse,
Welcome.
There seems to be a lot going on here, and none of it is good.
Except for the part where you are no longer together.
I think his stuff is still there because he will be back, whether it’s to fight with you some more, beg forgiveness, or just crash.
So, for me, finding a way to keep him out of your life would be key.
How can you do that?
It really is up to you.
Peace.

Berrybean

Well, he's blocked you anyway so you haven't got to worry about whether to contact him or not.

I'd suggest boxing his stuff up and leaving those boxes right by the door ready for if / when he turns up to collect them so you don't have to invite him in to get them.

Apart from that it's probably worth working on your own recovery so you'll be ready to enjoy a more healthy relationship in the future.

BB

Learning14

You know what I would do since you don't drive (because I've already had to drop off my AF's things back in January), I would hire an Uber or Lyft driver to take his stuff over to his mom's house. It shouldn't cost that much.

Box it up, tell the mom when you are having the driver take it over.

Done.

vltskynse

I'm aware of my own issues. In 2014 I went through a very terrible abusive relationship when before I would never be violent. I haven't drank that night and I don't want to because I hate not having complete self control. Since meeting him I drank less and less. I quit hard liquor a year ago and even when I tried drinking recently I don't like the taste and I'm not in the mood and end up not wanting it.
The difference between us is he absolutely ignores everything relating to his problems. I acknowledge and apologize for what I did. I have apologized to him multiple times and I have not gotten one single apology. He will never apologize unless I ask for it and even then that isn't an apology.
He has been so good to me at times and will be so nice to me and then things go down the drain because he blacks out and I tell him about it the next day and he doesn't want to hear it. He has told me multiple times I am the one with a drinking problem. I truly feel I don't because I can quit so easily. He cant. If I'm right a common symptom of an alcoholic is blaming those around you and telling them they have a problem.

2kind4me

Hi there. It must feel so impossible to just let him out of your life. I don’t think you would have joined group or posted if at least part of you didn’t want that. You sound like a smart woman and that you have a sense of what is good for you. I think that we get “stuck” and feel like there’s nowhere to go but around in circles. I happen to be mid-lap right now! Some of that is related to feeling like there will be no one else or that we don’t deserve better or just can’t “get” better. The reality is that most men are not abusive and most are not addicts. AND, more importantly, you get to choose in this life what you put up with and what you don’t.
I agree w the other poster who said he’s not done. He’s sending mixed signals- “you’re blocked but technically I’m not moved out”. You can take care of that. Bag it up and get it out of your living space. There is nothing wrong w throwing it away - he chose not to take it.
Do what you can to create distance. Do some reading about healthy relationships. Take a look at yourself and why you’re vulnerable to abusive men. You’re so young - you deserve someone who adores you and treats you like a true gift from the universe.

vltskynse

We had a conversation tonight and he pretty much implied it's my fault he hasn't gotten his stuff yet because I haven't been home and the doors are locked. I live in a studio attic it's the 3rd floor up. Originally he had his dresser on the outside landing with his things in it except for his clothes. He had the entire weekend after that Friday night to get his stuff. He didn't and claimed tonight it's my fault. I told him he's blaming me and making it my fault when he has never asked me if I am home or when can he stop by.
I feel like im being kept in a limbo at this point of him not deciding what he wants to do. It isn't affecting me much his things being here I just hate knowing he's most likely lying about me to everyone saying I'm keeping it from him. It's not the truth at all....
It's so silly and dumb but I guess in all honesty a part of me doesnt want to let go even though i know i should, and him getting his stuff makes it more final.

Berrybean

I reckon you'll feel much better when it IS final. Holding onto the stuff in our lives and not letting go despite the pain involved in holding onto it - That's what addicts do. With alcohol, drugs, gambling.... and people.

I was scared ******** by the idea of life without alcohol. It was even worse when I tried to cut down / moderate. That's when it became even more of an obsession I reckon. At the moment your situation reminds me of the pain of moderating. Honestly - abstinence is much more simple to deal with.

Don't worry to much about what he says to you or anyone else. He's just quacking away like an alcoholic, because that's what he is. I'd suggest that next time you speak to him just ask him (or better, tell him) when he's getting his stuff. You don't have to engage in all the to-ing and fro-ing about who did what and what who should have done in the past. To be frank, he probably doesnt even remember much of it.

BB

trailmix

He's drinking. You are being violent. He is being violent. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

Yes he is an alcoholic but violence toward another person is never right and what you are doing really needs to be looked at for YOU. If you are not already in counselling I would strongly suggest it. If that isn't available to you then perhaps you could find a support group for anger management that might be less costly/free.

I can understand that you are hurt and ending this relationship is hard for you. He actually isn't disappearing however you both need space imo. If he seeks treatment (if, I have no idea if that is his plan) and remains sober for a good long time and if you get help for yourself, perhaps then you might want to revisit the idea of a relationship.