How to Help Binge Drinker
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How to Help Binge Drinker
Hey everyone.
I have a friend / ex-girlfriend who is stuck in a binge-drinking cycle. When she's feeling bored and lonely she'll go out and drink until she can't remember how she got home. It's got her into several unsafe situations and I'm afraid that sooner or later she'll run into the wrong people as she actively looks for strangers to socialise with.
This is also the reason why we broke up. I could always tell when she was about to have one of those nights, but there was no stopping her when she had this mindset. The next day she would be upset and vow to do something about it, but it would only last a few days.
What can I do to help her?
Thanks for reading.
I have a friend / ex-girlfriend who is stuck in a binge-drinking cycle. When she's feeling bored and lonely she'll go out and drink until she can't remember how she got home. It's got her into several unsafe situations and I'm afraid that sooner or later she'll run into the wrong people as she actively looks for strangers to socialise with.
This is also the reason why we broke up. I could always tell when she was about to have one of those nights, but there was no stopping her when she had this mindset. The next day she would be upset and vow to do something about it, but it would only last a few days.
What can I do to help her?
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hi Disconova, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.
Unfortunately it is really up to the individual to make the change and no one else. She has the right to live this way. Perhaps someday it will get bad enough for her to seek help but it will need to be the help of professionals or someone who has managed to get and stay sober.. She probably won't be able to maintain sobriety without the help of counseling and a program.
It is beyond painful to watch someone go down this road as you probably know too well!
Unfortunately it is really up to the individual to make the change and no one else. She has the right to live this way. Perhaps someday it will get bad enough for her to seek help but it will need to be the help of professionals or someone who has managed to get and stay sober.. She probably won't be able to maintain sobriety without the help of counseling and a program.
It is beyond painful to watch someone go down this road as you probably know too well!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Like other said, there is nothing you can do to help her if she doesn’t want to get help. And even if she does want help there isn’t much you can do. It is something she needs to pursue herself and get professional help. Unless she is motivated enough to seek help on her own she won’t last long anyway.
It’s frustrating for us bystanders who wish our A would quit and that there was something we could do to help. It only took me 14 years to finally realize that there was nothing I could do to help. All I did was give him an ultimatum because I could no longer handle it. He did seek help but later said that he was close to realizing that he could no longer go on like this and was in the right mindset I guess to quit. He had said if I had given the same ultimatum 2 years earlier he more than likely would not have sought treatment and just quit for a while (which is exactly what he did but at that point I had not given him an ultimatum because I was not ready to walk out on him).
It’s frustrating for us bystanders who wish our A would quit and that there was something we could do to help. It only took me 14 years to finally realize that there was nothing I could do to help. All I did was give him an ultimatum because I could no longer handle it. He did seek help but later said that he was close to realizing that he could no longer go on like this and was in the right mindset I guess to quit. He had said if I had given the same ultimatum 2 years earlier he more than likely would not have sought treatment and just quit for a while (which is exactly what he did but at that point I had not given him an ultimatum because I was not ready to walk out on him).
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Learn about binge drinking alcoholism. Be honest with her and don't enable her. Let her head toward her bottom. Don't keep picking her up when she falls. Lead your life to the fullest. Recognize an alcoholic without full recovery has a serious condition that they need to honestly and consistently deal with by action before they can be a partner.
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What can I do to help her?
Nothing. Sorry but that's the truth. You cannot help her, only she can and nowhere have you said she wants to change or get help. If she does shes an adult and can find help for herself. You cannot fix her and nothing you do or say will make her change her ways. If I were you I'd ask myself why I am focusing on what another fully grown adult is doing? It's only you has a problem with this.
Nothing. Sorry but that's the truth. You cannot help her, only she can and nowhere have you said she wants to change or get help. If she does shes an adult and can find help for herself. You cannot fix her and nothing you do or say will make her change her ways. If I were you I'd ask myself why I am focusing on what another fully grown adult is doing? It's only you has a problem with this.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
i dont think im reading that shes reaching out for help or mentioneing she wants to stop drinking.
does she want to stop drinking and/or help?
does she want to stop drinking and/or help?
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
All I did was give him an ultimatum because I could no longer handle it. He did seek help but later said that he was close to realizing that he could no longer go on like this and was in the right mindset I guess to quit.
Originally Posted by hearthealth
Learn about binge drinking alcoholism. Be honest with her and don't enable her. Let her head toward her bottom. Don't keep picking her up when she falls.
She says it's better if I say 'everything's great, don't worry' like some other friends do, but I'm not convinced. I think she needs to know it's a problem.
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I did give her an ultimatum of sorts for the same reason, and that's pretty much why we separated. It just made her drink and go out more
no, it didnt make her drink and go out more.
it gave her an excuse to drink and go out more.
she may need to know theres a problem, but getting that message through to someone in denial is impossible.
many years before i got sober, my sons mother came over to have a talk with me- she wanted to tell me how my drinking had been effecting my relationship with my son and it was showing in him.
i agreed with everything she said through the time.sat there and chatted a bit.
then said,"hey, i gotta run up to the store for a 12 pack- need anything?"
its impossible to help someone that doesnt want it or isnt ready for help.
no, it didnt make her drink and go out more.
it gave her an excuse to drink and go out more.
she may need to know theres a problem, but getting that message through to someone in denial is impossible.
many years before i got sober, my sons mother came over to have a talk with me- she wanted to tell me how my drinking had been effecting my relationship with my son and it was showing in him.
i agreed with everything she said through the time.sat there and chatted a bit.
then said,"hey, i gotta run up to the store for a 12 pack- need anything?"
its impossible to help someone that doesnt want it or isnt ready for help.
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Originally Posted by DiscoNova
Hi tomsteve. She changes her mind: one day she wants help; the next she'll say she doesn't have a problem. She also reaches out straight after a night of drinking and memory loss, but it only lasts a few days. It's a cycle.
I did give her an ultimatum of sorts for the same reason, and that's pretty much why we separated. It just made her drink and go out more.
This is likely good advice, but the problem is that we live in a big city, and when she drinks to excess she becomes outwardly sociable with strangers and there's a strong chance that she'll run into bad people who will take advantage of her, or maybe worse. That's my biggest fear, and why it's hard to sit back and do nothing.
She says it's better if I say 'everything's great, don't worry' like some other friends do, but I'm not convinced. I think she needs to know it's a problem.
I did give her an ultimatum of sorts for the same reason, and that's pretty much why we separated. It just made her drink and go out more.
This is likely good advice, but the problem is that we live in a big city, and when she drinks to excess she becomes outwardly sociable with strangers and there's a strong chance that she'll run into bad people who will take advantage of her, or maybe worse. That's my biggest fear, and why it's hard to sit back and do nothing.
She says it's better if I say 'everything's great, don't worry' like some other friends do, but I'm not convinced. I think she needs to know it's a problem.
This thread might also be helpful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...lic-brain.html (Alcoholic Brain)
Its really hard when someone is going down this road. I had to be honest with my husband otherwise it was as if I was saying all was fine. When his behaviors began to impact me in a negative way I had to set boundaries for myself. Are there things she does when drunk that are affecting you? Calling late at night with drunken ramblings for example? Coming over drunk?
I think if you read about the brain function it will explain a lot about the pattern your seeing with her denial, bouts of rational thinking where she identifies the problem, then changes her mind, cant associate the negative with the drinking but may blame something else in her life. That's brain function. Those are symptoms of addiction.
Support sober interactions as you see fit, but set boundaries if she has been drinking.
encourage treatment. Its ok to discuss this, help look up options.
try not to shame, guilt. Because of my husbands compromised thinking, he could easily interpret things in ways I never meant and then go into defensive mode.
there are also support groups for family/friends. (Alanon is based on the 12 step program. It can help to hear shares by other people and there is no cross talk allowed). There are other types for family often through medical centers/mental health centers. And of course talking online is always great and very convenient !
Keep realistic expectations because its not called a chronic relapsing brain disease for no reason. People recover but it can be a long process that has to start with some form of action.
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Thanks for the feedback.
How does one become ready to seek help if suffering from this kind of issue?
She woke up in a stranger's house the other day. The man said he found her on the street, drunk and unable to communicate and so gave her a roof for the night.
She was lucky.
If this type of experience isn't enough for her to take action, then do family and friends need to intervene somehow, or just continue to offer support while hoping that she doesn't run into the wrong person?
I understand that she needs to be the one to instigate change, but I worry that she won't reach this mindset until it's too late.
How does one become ready to seek help if suffering from this kind of issue?
She woke up in a stranger's house the other day. The man said he found her on the street, drunk and unable to communicate and so gave her a roof for the night.
She was lucky.
If this type of experience isn't enough for her to take action, then do family and friends need to intervene somehow, or just continue to offer support while hoping that she doesn't run into the wrong person?
I understand that she needs to be the one to instigate change, but I worry that she won't reach this mindset until it's too late.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
People need to hit their rock bottom but what that is is different for everyone. For some rock bottom unfortunately is when they die and there is nothing you can do about that. Some people end up at deaths door and it is a wake up call, others hit the bottle again as as soon as they leave the hospital. This doesn’t just apply to addicts btw, people with heart attack/stroke/ diabetes etc often will continue their bad habits even after a life threatening hospital stint.
You could do an intervention and maybe she can be talked into going to rehab. I don’t have any idea what the success rates are for that but it seems like they wouldn’t be very higher unless the addict was truly in a place where they wanted to quit, my SIL was sent to rehab and she stayed for a month, they felt like she needed to stay longer but she bailed because they were figuring her out and she went back to her bad habits as soon as she left.
I gave my RAH an ultimatum 1.5 years ago and he took me serious but only because he had gotten to the point where he felt like he could no longer continue like that after 40+ years. He just needed me to give him that final kick in the butt. He admitted that if I had given him the same ultimatum 3 years ago he probably wouldn’t have done it. He quit then for a year but without a program or treatment even though I suggested that maybe treatment would be a good idea since he ha do’s far been unsuccessful each time. But he wanted to try by himself one more time. He didn’t drink for 13 months but was not in recovery. He was a dry drink just white knuckling it and still the same miserable person without his one coping skill. At that point I wasn’t ready to walk out on him however which is why I didn’t give him an ultimatum.
It seems like plenty of add its go to rehab to press their family but they don’t truly work the program, they go along with it. One of the guys at rehab when my H was there went to go celebrate his 30 days sober st the bar....(after 30 days they are usually allowed to leave the campus for a few hours a week). Remember they are master manipulators and so they can play along in rehab to keep everyone happy. As soon as they’re out they start drinking again.
It’s frustrating for everyone around them. They want to help but truth is they can’t. And unfortunately for some people that means they don’t survive their addiction. If our loved could cure addictions there wouldn’t be a need for this forum and there wouldn’t be so many addicts.
You could do an intervention and maybe she can be talked into going to rehab. I don’t have any idea what the success rates are for that but it seems like they wouldn’t be very higher unless the addict was truly in a place where they wanted to quit, my SIL was sent to rehab and she stayed for a month, they felt like she needed to stay longer but she bailed because they were figuring her out and she went back to her bad habits as soon as she left.
I gave my RAH an ultimatum 1.5 years ago and he took me serious but only because he had gotten to the point where he felt like he could no longer continue like that after 40+ years. He just needed me to give him that final kick in the butt. He admitted that if I had given him the same ultimatum 3 years ago he probably wouldn’t have done it. He quit then for a year but without a program or treatment even though I suggested that maybe treatment would be a good idea since he ha do’s far been unsuccessful each time. But he wanted to try by himself one more time. He didn’t drink for 13 months but was not in recovery. He was a dry drink just white knuckling it and still the same miserable person without his one coping skill. At that point I wasn’t ready to walk out on him however which is why I didn’t give him an ultimatum.
It seems like plenty of add its go to rehab to press their family but they don’t truly work the program, they go along with it. One of the guys at rehab when my H was there went to go celebrate his 30 days sober st the bar....(after 30 days they are usually allowed to leave the campus for a few hours a week). Remember they are master manipulators and so they can play along in rehab to keep everyone happy. As soon as they’re out they start drinking again.
It’s frustrating for everyone around them. They want to help but truth is they can’t. And unfortunately for some people that means they don’t survive their addiction. If our loved could cure addictions there wouldn’t be a need for this forum and there wouldn’t be so many addicts.
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Hi, DiscoNova, welcome.
If waking up in a stranger’s house with no idea how she got there isn’t enough to give her pause, then I don’t know what will, yeah?
I truly understand your worry and I empathize.
It is dreadful to see a friend self-destruct.
But...as others have and will say, it is her decision to drink or to stop.
Does she contact you after such a situation as waking up in a strange place ?
What do you do?
Just wondering.
Peace.
If waking up in a stranger’s house with no idea how she got there isn’t enough to give her pause, then I don’t know what will, yeah?
I truly understand your worry and I empathize.
It is dreadful to see a friend self-destruct.
But...as others have and will say, it is her decision to drink or to stop.
Does she contact you after such a situation as waking up in a strange place ?
What do you do?
Just wondering.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by DiscoNova
If this type of experience isn't enough for her to take action, then do family and friends need to intervene somehow, or just continue to offer support while hoping that she doesn't run into the wrong person?
Her family will stick around, but she's your ex. It might be time to move on in the knowledge that you did encourage her to seek help, and she chose not to. For whatever reason, the danger she's putting herself in isn't enough.
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Hello DiscoNova, and Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but there is a lot of wisdom and experience in this place, and plenty of support for you.
It sounds as though you have spoken with her about her drinking and how dangerous it is. It sounds as though her family members have spoken with her about how worried they are for her safety, too. You can continue to encourage her to seek help--whether that be counseling, a support group, even here at SR. And that is up to you.
When we can, that is how we approach my stepson--encourage him, but don't interfere with his choices. They are, after all, his to make. He is a grown man who should be offered the dignity of living his own life and making his own decisions. We tell him we love him, and we encourage sobriety as we can. Still, he has not yet made the choice to stop drinking and drugging.
I am not a huge fan of the "hitting rock bottom" terminology. How I think of it is a 'watershed' moment. All that means is the moment or moments that change the course of the actively addicted person's life. Thankfully, this does not necessarily mean that each person has to lose everything to the addiction before making the decision to change.
Your ex and all who care about her will be in my prayers. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but there is a lot of wisdom and experience in this place, and plenty of support for you.
It sounds as though you have spoken with her about her drinking and how dangerous it is. It sounds as though her family members have spoken with her about how worried they are for her safety, too. You can continue to encourage her to seek help--whether that be counseling, a support group, even here at SR. And that is up to you.
When we can, that is how we approach my stepson--encourage him, but don't interfere with his choices. They are, after all, his to make. He is a grown man who should be offered the dignity of living his own life and making his own decisions. We tell him we love him, and we encourage sobriety as we can. Still, he has not yet made the choice to stop drinking and drugging.
I am not a huge fan of the "hitting rock bottom" terminology. How I think of it is a 'watershed' moment. All that means is the moment or moments that change the course of the actively addicted person's life. Thankfully, this does not necessarily mean that each person has to lose everything to the addiction before making the decision to change.
Your ex and all who care about her will be in my prayers. Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by DiscoNova
She woke up in a stranger's house the other day. The man said he found her on the street, drunk and unable to communicate and so gave her a roof for the night.
(S)he was lucky.
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it sounds like she maybe be enthralled with the RISK associated with her drinking. ending up in strange places with strange people. i'm also not sure i'd totally buy her "story" of "ending up" at some man's house.
it also sounds like you are still willing to get the play by play of her antics. that she contacts you with her trips and tales of another booze sodden evening. how is that helping either of you? in fact, every time you give her the opportunity to regale another night's shenanigans, you unwittingly support that type of behavior.
interventions are not something that should be taken lightly or without due diligence and research FIRST. it's best to have a professional on board to guide the process. it's essential that every loved one be on the same page regarding the options and outcome. the goal is to offer HELP.
she is entitled to rebuke that help.
loved ones are entitled to no longer engage or embrace her drinking.
it also sounds like you are still willing to get the play by play of her antics. that she contacts you with her trips and tales of another booze sodden evening. how is that helping either of you? in fact, every time you give her the opportunity to regale another night's shenanigans, you unwittingly support that type of behavior.
interventions are not something that should be taken lightly or without due diligence and research FIRST. it's best to have a professional on board to guide the process. it's essential that every loved one be on the same page regarding the options and outcome. the goal is to offer HELP.
she is entitled to rebuke that help.
loved ones are entitled to no longer engage or embrace her drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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DN,
We all understand on this forum that you want to help her (save her) from herself. That is just not possible. I tried for 34 years with my addict, it didn't work. Let me tell you I tried EVERYTHING and it still didn't work. Coming on this forum and learning to respect the addict to make their own choices and treat them as adults, is what i learned. We have no power over anyone to make them do what we feel is best for them. It just doesn't work that way, as much as we would like it too.
There is always help for you....Seek an addiction therapist, or an open AA or alanon meeting. Support and education can be your best friend!! Hugs, you are a good person to try and help your addict, but if they don't have want help, it is out of your hands.
We all understand on this forum that you want to help her (save her) from herself. That is just not possible. I tried for 34 years with my addict, it didn't work. Let me tell you I tried EVERYTHING and it still didn't work. Coming on this forum and learning to respect the addict to make their own choices and treat them as adults, is what i learned. We have no power over anyone to make them do what we feel is best for them. It just doesn't work that way, as much as we would like it too.
There is always help for you....Seek an addiction therapist, or an open AA or alanon meeting. Support and education can be your best friend!! Hugs, you are a good person to try and help your addict, but if they don't have want help, it is out of your hands.
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You said she was your friend/ex-girlfriend.
For me, I would not want to be friends with someone who lives like that. Too much drama. Too upsetting,
If I had an “ex” who acted like that, I would really keep my distance. I wouldn’t want to risk getting sucked back into the relationship.
I don’t see anything good coming into your life from her.
This is just how I would try to think about it. Just saying what I would do in that situation.
What if you spent more time with people who have their act together? People who offer you companionship, respect, care, and who lift your spirit to a higher happy place?
Please think about this.
For me, I would not want to be friends with someone who lives like that. Too much drama. Too upsetting,
If I had an “ex” who acted like that, I would really keep my distance. I wouldn’t want to risk getting sucked back into the relationship.
I don’t see anything good coming into your life from her.
This is just how I would try to think about it. Just saying what I would do in that situation.
What if you spent more time with people who have their act together? People who offer you companionship, respect, care, and who lift your spirit to a higher happy place?
Please think about this.
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