Email to my ex fiancé
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Email to my ex fiancé
I sent this last week. I didn’t send it for any reply-just sent it to let him know what he did to me. I needed to say it. And as I’m writing this thread I’m crying bc there’s a big/huge part of me that still thinks ME and my issues caused all of this-that I overthought things, didn’t trust, wouldn’t believe, simple communication errors, I didn’t speak up . And that’s what caused all of this. Pls leave your thoughts and honest truth that I need to hear, badly. I used some of the words you shared with me here and some words my therapist shared bc I needed him to know I knew...and saw through him. And I needed him to know I was not alone in seeing what he’s done was horrible.
______________________________________
I am glad I made the decision I did because I realized that my clearly communicated needs were not being met and all your words and grandiose sweeping statements of “I’ll do anything for you, I’m a good guy, I don’t want to lose you, my feelings will never change, I’ll never leave you, I’ll do whatever you need, tell me how I can help you and I’ll do it, etc” were just words. Your actions were hurtful and have proven that your words were simply hollow. I feel used, you manipulated, and you withheld affection and love when you thought I didn’t deserve it (you actually told me many times “I’m sure you’ve noticed I haven’t been sending you and telling you the nice things I used to”. How awful. Pure manipulation and control. I have been in therapy addressing my issues for a very long time. You proposed during a crisis which was not ok at all-totally insensitive to MY needs. It was not fair and I was not ready to make that commitment at that time. I texted you my concerns and that I was returning the ring bc they weren’t addressed-many many things about my girls. While we were out looking at houses and doing other wedding stuff I felt like it was all backwards-for ME. You may have been ok with it but I realized I was not. Many things needed to be happening, like you promised they would be, prior to an engagement. I meant no harm, just standing up for myself and my girls.
You seemed to be in “this” as long as you got something out of it and your ego wasn’t hurt and I didn’t expect you to actually follow through-you exploited my insecurities and vulnerabilities. Mirrored me. Researched me. Used what I shared with you to construct my perfect man. That is Not love. And then through my abuse issues back in my face in the most condescending hurtful manner. Childish behaviors and one upmanship during most of our conversations-you literally repeated conversations daily and would tell me the same thing over and over-only good that came of that is that is started exposing your lies and extreme exaggerations. Not once did you ever state a need or expectation of your own-just told me I was perfect and regurgitated what I said. Copied the words I said, my convictions and even stole words from articles I shared on facebook-yeah, I noticed. Gaslighted me. You were along for the ride. Was that all I was to you? That is sure what it seems like. Not sure if this is just the way you are or if it’s narcissism or what to call it-who cares-it’s just unacceptable behavior. Why didn’t we ever do anything with your friends-anyone- in over a year and a half-not one time. Why are you so scared of trusting others? Being vulnerable with others and letting them in? What are you so scared of? You never fully let anyone in. You treat Aly like a partner and not a child-you’ve repeatedly discussed our relationship with her (I have crossed that boundary as well so I too am at fault there) when I have asked you not to. And after saying you wouldn’t again, it kept happening. Over a year ago YOU stated your boundaries with your ex wife yet you broke them all the time as well-and then made me feel crazy for bringing stuff up when you didn’t follow through on your own rules with her-there was always an excuse.
You made me feel like I didn’t matter a lot of the time, like I was so incredibly small, by how much you dominated most if not all of our conversations, talked over me and turned each back to you. Always YOU. All the time. I fell asleep some nights while on the phone with you bc you just kept talking and rarely asked me questions - just took over any conversation. You made me feel alone even when you were there. You continually went back on boundaries we had discussed and agreed on. Time and time again. You did whatever you wanted to and denied, dismissed me or deflected when I confronted you. I thought you were my safe place to land but it was not safe at all-it was thorny and it hurt me badly. You made me feel crazy at times and denied my reality and what was actually going on by excusing, denying things and justifying with your words. Most of the time when I finally had the courage to approach you with “hey, this doesn’t add up” you excused with “oh I just talk a lot and say the wrong things” or denied it entirely but never answered directly.
You left me on the side of the road with two screaming kids with two blown out tires crying and terrified in the rain-no normal good decent human being would ever do that no matter the current relationship status-I’m not your drunk crazy ex wife. I needed help so my friend called you for help, it wasn’t a ploy. These are not the deeds of a “good” man. You’ve tossed me and my girls out like a used dish rag-for what? Because I don’t feed your ego anymore?! A mean text that addressed angrily all the things YOU had promised me prior to an engagement and hadn’t been done and how your words still weren’t matching your actions? A year and a half ago you promised me a relationship of reading couples books together and based on the Bible and sharing God’s word together. That didn’t happen-words vs actions. Was that all a lie ? 9 months ago YOU promised all those same things plus counseling and said we had to do those before ever considering marriage-that didn’t happen-words vs actions. Was that all a lie? (Funny I now see that when I “freaked out” 9 months ago I so easily caved and blamed my abuse issues-but that was another time I was calling you on your BS of words vs actions and you bolted: so I reverted back to blaming my issues, which I always do-bc it must be me, right? it couldn’t be your lying, manipulating or any of that!! One month ago you promised you would do anything I needed. At my darkest hour I asked you to pray with me and for me-you dismissed me and hurt me more than you will ever possibly know. I’ve never been that vulnerable in my life and you ignored everything I said to you. Words vs actions. Then you moved the timeline again to “we can just do those when we get married”. Um just nope. You asked me to make a life altering forever decision in the middle of a crisis-to serve YOUR needs. You’ve talked down to me; I guess you view me as broken and messed up like you call everyone else including both of your daughters (except yourself I always notice) since I went to a mental hospital to help myself?? You’re somehow better than me? (Your condescending note said enough). You truly are the most self centered person I have ever met. You use others to feel good about yourself and take care of you instead of taking care of yourself and getting over your own huge issues and insecurities and fears, and get hurt and offended by anything and everything and everyone. You’ve acted in insecure and selfish and immature ways. You wanted me to need you. And I sure don’t want to be anyone’s whole world-way too much pressure for any person. It’s just not ok. You’ve also rewritten history stating “you and I both know we have been off and on for quite some time” which is a blatant lie and manipulative and controlling and deceitful and yet another red flag. You told me so many times how much my dad and my friends liked you-what on earth?! All about you. It was like dating a child at times.
The morning after I cried my eyes out shaking telling/begging you, my Christian fiancé, that I NEEDED you to pray with me, pray for me, read the Bible with me, set up counseling for us bc Satan was attacking me and I needed you to fight for me-you actually had the nerve to show up the next morning to, as you stated, “watch me get dressed”-you just sat on my bed watching me-didn’t pray with me, nothing-I told you exactly what I needed (it was extremely hard to be that vulnerable and ask you to pray with me and for me) and you dismissed it. Outright dismissed it. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that low or objectified in my life/that is creepy and despicable and not Godly, which is why I was shaking. Talk about self serving and immature. Christ was absolutely not there and was not the center of our relationship. Your actions proved that too. Apparently all along you just told me what I wanted to hear.
you made us unique and special by telling me over and over we were better than every other couple you know and most married couples. (Um nope-just no!) you plainly and eerily told me as if in a trance staring out into the night sky sitting in your golf cart the week after we went out that as you told me “it’s taken me a very long time to figure out how to get you” and “I always get what I want, always”. WTF. I wanted to run and scream-I had chills. I think that was your true self, the self that you hide behind your other masks. That’s all I can assume. Don’t know, doesn’t matter. But I didn’t run, I stayed. I so wanted to believe. Shame on you. I saw that same narcissistic smirk when we were in bed together a couple of times. Disturbing.
The great thing about almost losing your mind due to trauma is when you get held by Jesus on the way out you start seeing things clearly-as you saw them all along-and I realized it was a God given instinct and drive to protect myself and my kids to say no to your ring st that time because you over promised, under delivered, kept changing the rules to suit yourself, lied, manipulated me, loved being the hero and needed(all for self serving purposes) and talked so much non stop that you contradicted yourself on so many things/stuff just didn’t add up - you exaggerated and plain lied daily about jobs and really anything, love to play the victim and just plain act like a man child at times. And so many times I wanted to scream “shut up!! Stop talking about yourself! Grow up!!” You actually had the nerve to make all my stuff with Noah about YOU...you. Always about you, your selfish needs, your hurt. You seemed to just keep promising stuff so I’d stick around to make YOU feel good. You talked so loudly about your “accomplishments” and achievements and how you had saved so many peoples lives and led them to Christ (when you took me to the cross - I’ve never heard such ego and bravado from one person and prideful self promotion of how great they are). You called your ex wife a pathological liar but can’t see you lie and exaggerate too. You talk about your dad being selfish and talking a lot...um....
You told me you would do anything to make me comfortable and safe-but you did not.
“Beware the man who is content when his selfish needs are met and yours are not”
But your words are just words - they were nothing more. I pulled the plug on our engagement and quickly fell right back to my abuse issues-I so easily blamed myself-I always did-and you love that don’t you-lets you off the hook. I fully am aware of myself and my issues. Fully. They don’t make me unlovable. My abuse issues caused me to pursue a relationship where I was not truly loved, i was used to fill a massive void, I was objectified, I was manipulated, i was idealized, i was love bombed, I was lied to-I don’t know if you did it intentionally or whether it’s just who you are...narcissist, whatever you want to call it. As you told me many times you grew up in the car business and learned to read people to sell them/give them what they want. As one of my recovery friends shared with me last week when I openly shared my story, “there are so many red flags with this guy it looks like a slasher movie”. Yes, there were. But I finally woke up. I’m glad you have showed me exactly who you truly are-not your apparent fake self that I fell head over heels for. Your actions and words are immature, selfish, not Godly, are condescending and just not reflective of an honorable person or MAN at all. You’ve discarded me and your lack of remorse and empathy has been shown-your true colors are not pretty. At all.
You do things when there’s something in it for you. I had every right to end our engagement bc you showed me plainly and simply that not only would you not listen to or meet my plainly stated needs, you would only look to satisfy yourself while continuing to make grand promises and expect me to believe your words and empty promises that were all about YOU. My text was very angry words-well deserved and spot on and truthful (but you can’t handle criticism can you-you get angry-or someone actually calling you out on your BS-promises and intentions-it’s always poor matt and you never answered any of my absolutely necessary and just questions regarding raising my girls-they no longer have a father. I have a million questions for whoever gets the honor of raising them along side me-that I personally need answered before I put a ring on my finger-i apologize for not knowing that until that moment-I’ve never been in this position before-but you just offered up more excuses like you usually do when confronted with questions and bolted. My needs didn’t matter, again. It was all about YOU). You are allowed to change the rules and terms whenever you want, but not me. You pretended to be someone you are not, for your own selfish reasons. You dismissed me completely when I needed you the most.
As some of my recovery friends shared with me recently:
“Staying in a relationship with someone just because they "say" things that make you feel good yet "do" things that make you feel bad is a problem. A problem all of us here are very familiar with-much like being with an addict”.
“And when you're feeling weak about him - reread your posts. Seriously a lot of horrible stuff.”
“One thing to keep in mind-narcissist or not this guy treated you horribly.”
“No one should be anyone else’s whole world” (that is not ok and sounds like we are in high school)
“You were love bombed-he promised the sun moon and stars at the very beginning and everything you ever wanted and that he would never leave you to hook you in”.
“Trying to be in a relationship with a person that is so narcissistic is a complete waste of time. There is never a good way to "be" with them. You can never trust them, there is no predictability, because it’s all about them and their needs”.
“No one should have three different explanations for contracting a sexually-transmitted disease (um yeah, you have told me three very different stories on herpes and who gave it to who)”
“No one should put their own gratification before someone else’s fear and discomfort (you did this often and when Noah came back and I was at my lowest you showed your true colors-all about YOU. You actually told me many times “aren’t you glad I’m with you” and “at least I’m here with you” as I was crying and terrified - and “yeah I know you’re hurting but this hasn’t been easy on me”. Dude, the sheer self centeredness of your comments during a scary traumatic time for ME is just so ludicrous. You made everything about YOU. Not once while Aly was in treatment or at any other time and you were struggling with Aly or work or anything would I ever think to ever utter the words “gee matt, this is hard on me” or “aren’t you glad I’m with you?!” as you stated to me-because that is awful-what you did was plain messed up)”
“You have been manipulated. Please release yourself from these thoughts that you have misinterpreted anything he did or caused this”
The best word for you is GONE and I will happily and gratefully raise my children with you nowhere in sight. They deserve so much more than you are capable of giving and being-they deserve a man that doesn’t run and hide when his fragile ego gets bruised and can actually see beyond himself-his hurt feelings and insecurities and fears when **** gets real and hard. We all deserve someone that will raise them with Jesus first and be actively engaged vs sitting there aloof while trying to figure out when he can talk about himself again. My girls ask me all the time why matt matt asked their mom to marry him if he was just going to leave...maybe I’ll just start telling them the truth like you’ve told me: “fiance doesn’t know why he doesn’t follow through-he just talks a lot and says the wrong things ”. Next time maybe stick with your original plan of dating an older woman with no kids-less collateral damage that way.
“It's not you at all, it's him. I don't care about his motivations, just his actions. Yeah he may be legitimately feeling hurt -- he's hurt because YOU wanted something out of the relationship and he's incapable of being in a relationship where it's not all about HIM. I agree, run away quickly with your girls. You are NOT wrong.”
“So he loves you today when you are being compliant but tomorrow when you are feeling a bit stronger and question his motives/truth/actions/plans - you’re no longer worthy of his love”
“There is a holier than thou and condescending attitude in there too. He is smarter! Therefore when you decide something isn't right, wow! She just isn't thinking right.”
“we will talk about that in the future, baby steps”-The only thing missing there is him patting you on the head as he said it; it was all controlled by him all along.”
“Honestly when I read your story it brings back a lot of memories. I dated a full-blown narcissist for a year and a half - what a mess. Your story has SO many similarities.”
“The proposal when you were reeling from having your ex re-appear? Great time to get you to commit while in a crisiis.”
“That guy had no interest in you when you were not able to massage his fragile ego. Once the relationship required any sort of work (and all relationships require work), he was out of there. Consider it a compliment that you're not made of cardboard and brainless and therefore not palatable to him”.
So yeah, I’ll totally shoulder my abuse issues...you know the ones you’ve thrown in my face and told me how long they will take to resolve...you can take all the rest...you got plenty. Your words were great, your actions Were downright creepy at times. You are not a good man. Your actions hurt me badly. You took advantage of my good heart-that you always told me I had, my children, my morals and my faith. I saw behind your mask and it’s not pretty.
______________________________________
I am glad I made the decision I did because I realized that my clearly communicated needs were not being met and all your words and grandiose sweeping statements of “I’ll do anything for you, I’m a good guy, I don’t want to lose you, my feelings will never change, I’ll never leave you, I’ll do whatever you need, tell me how I can help you and I’ll do it, etc” were just words. Your actions were hurtful and have proven that your words were simply hollow. I feel used, you manipulated, and you withheld affection and love when you thought I didn’t deserve it (you actually told me many times “I’m sure you’ve noticed I haven’t been sending you and telling you the nice things I used to”. How awful. Pure manipulation and control. I have been in therapy addressing my issues for a very long time. You proposed during a crisis which was not ok at all-totally insensitive to MY needs. It was not fair and I was not ready to make that commitment at that time. I texted you my concerns and that I was returning the ring bc they weren’t addressed-many many things about my girls. While we were out looking at houses and doing other wedding stuff I felt like it was all backwards-for ME. You may have been ok with it but I realized I was not. Many things needed to be happening, like you promised they would be, prior to an engagement. I meant no harm, just standing up for myself and my girls.
You seemed to be in “this” as long as you got something out of it and your ego wasn’t hurt and I didn’t expect you to actually follow through-you exploited my insecurities and vulnerabilities. Mirrored me. Researched me. Used what I shared with you to construct my perfect man. That is Not love. And then through my abuse issues back in my face in the most condescending hurtful manner. Childish behaviors and one upmanship during most of our conversations-you literally repeated conversations daily and would tell me the same thing over and over-only good that came of that is that is started exposing your lies and extreme exaggerations. Not once did you ever state a need or expectation of your own-just told me I was perfect and regurgitated what I said. Copied the words I said, my convictions and even stole words from articles I shared on facebook-yeah, I noticed. Gaslighted me. You were along for the ride. Was that all I was to you? That is sure what it seems like. Not sure if this is just the way you are or if it’s narcissism or what to call it-who cares-it’s just unacceptable behavior. Why didn’t we ever do anything with your friends-anyone- in over a year and a half-not one time. Why are you so scared of trusting others? Being vulnerable with others and letting them in? What are you so scared of? You never fully let anyone in. You treat Aly like a partner and not a child-you’ve repeatedly discussed our relationship with her (I have crossed that boundary as well so I too am at fault there) when I have asked you not to. And after saying you wouldn’t again, it kept happening. Over a year ago YOU stated your boundaries with your ex wife yet you broke them all the time as well-and then made me feel crazy for bringing stuff up when you didn’t follow through on your own rules with her-there was always an excuse.
You made me feel like I didn’t matter a lot of the time, like I was so incredibly small, by how much you dominated most if not all of our conversations, talked over me and turned each back to you. Always YOU. All the time. I fell asleep some nights while on the phone with you bc you just kept talking and rarely asked me questions - just took over any conversation. You made me feel alone even when you were there. You continually went back on boundaries we had discussed and agreed on. Time and time again. You did whatever you wanted to and denied, dismissed me or deflected when I confronted you. I thought you were my safe place to land but it was not safe at all-it was thorny and it hurt me badly. You made me feel crazy at times and denied my reality and what was actually going on by excusing, denying things and justifying with your words. Most of the time when I finally had the courage to approach you with “hey, this doesn’t add up” you excused with “oh I just talk a lot and say the wrong things” or denied it entirely but never answered directly.
You left me on the side of the road with two screaming kids with two blown out tires crying and terrified in the rain-no normal good decent human being would ever do that no matter the current relationship status-I’m not your drunk crazy ex wife. I needed help so my friend called you for help, it wasn’t a ploy. These are not the deeds of a “good” man. You’ve tossed me and my girls out like a used dish rag-for what? Because I don’t feed your ego anymore?! A mean text that addressed angrily all the things YOU had promised me prior to an engagement and hadn’t been done and how your words still weren’t matching your actions? A year and a half ago you promised me a relationship of reading couples books together and based on the Bible and sharing God’s word together. That didn’t happen-words vs actions. Was that all a lie ? 9 months ago YOU promised all those same things plus counseling and said we had to do those before ever considering marriage-that didn’t happen-words vs actions. Was that all a lie? (Funny I now see that when I “freaked out” 9 months ago I so easily caved and blamed my abuse issues-but that was another time I was calling you on your BS of words vs actions and you bolted: so I reverted back to blaming my issues, which I always do-bc it must be me, right? it couldn’t be your lying, manipulating or any of that!! One month ago you promised you would do anything I needed. At my darkest hour I asked you to pray with me and for me-you dismissed me and hurt me more than you will ever possibly know. I’ve never been that vulnerable in my life and you ignored everything I said to you. Words vs actions. Then you moved the timeline again to “we can just do those when we get married”. Um just nope. You asked me to make a life altering forever decision in the middle of a crisis-to serve YOUR needs. You’ve talked down to me; I guess you view me as broken and messed up like you call everyone else including both of your daughters (except yourself I always notice) since I went to a mental hospital to help myself?? You’re somehow better than me? (Your condescending note said enough). You truly are the most self centered person I have ever met. You use others to feel good about yourself and take care of you instead of taking care of yourself and getting over your own huge issues and insecurities and fears, and get hurt and offended by anything and everything and everyone. You’ve acted in insecure and selfish and immature ways. You wanted me to need you. And I sure don’t want to be anyone’s whole world-way too much pressure for any person. It’s just not ok. You’ve also rewritten history stating “you and I both know we have been off and on for quite some time” which is a blatant lie and manipulative and controlling and deceitful and yet another red flag. You told me so many times how much my dad and my friends liked you-what on earth?! All about you. It was like dating a child at times.
The morning after I cried my eyes out shaking telling/begging you, my Christian fiancé, that I NEEDED you to pray with me, pray for me, read the Bible with me, set up counseling for us bc Satan was attacking me and I needed you to fight for me-you actually had the nerve to show up the next morning to, as you stated, “watch me get dressed”-you just sat on my bed watching me-didn’t pray with me, nothing-I told you exactly what I needed (it was extremely hard to be that vulnerable and ask you to pray with me and for me) and you dismissed it. Outright dismissed it. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that low or objectified in my life/that is creepy and despicable and not Godly, which is why I was shaking. Talk about self serving and immature. Christ was absolutely not there and was not the center of our relationship. Your actions proved that too. Apparently all along you just told me what I wanted to hear.
you made us unique and special by telling me over and over we were better than every other couple you know and most married couples. (Um nope-just no!) you plainly and eerily told me as if in a trance staring out into the night sky sitting in your golf cart the week after we went out that as you told me “it’s taken me a very long time to figure out how to get you” and “I always get what I want, always”. WTF. I wanted to run and scream-I had chills. I think that was your true self, the self that you hide behind your other masks. That’s all I can assume. Don’t know, doesn’t matter. But I didn’t run, I stayed. I so wanted to believe. Shame on you. I saw that same narcissistic smirk when we were in bed together a couple of times. Disturbing.
The great thing about almost losing your mind due to trauma is when you get held by Jesus on the way out you start seeing things clearly-as you saw them all along-and I realized it was a God given instinct and drive to protect myself and my kids to say no to your ring st that time because you over promised, under delivered, kept changing the rules to suit yourself, lied, manipulated me, loved being the hero and needed(all for self serving purposes) and talked so much non stop that you contradicted yourself on so many things/stuff just didn’t add up - you exaggerated and plain lied daily about jobs and really anything, love to play the victim and just plain act like a man child at times. And so many times I wanted to scream “shut up!! Stop talking about yourself! Grow up!!” You actually had the nerve to make all my stuff with Noah about YOU...you. Always about you, your selfish needs, your hurt. You seemed to just keep promising stuff so I’d stick around to make YOU feel good. You talked so loudly about your “accomplishments” and achievements and how you had saved so many peoples lives and led them to Christ (when you took me to the cross - I’ve never heard such ego and bravado from one person and prideful self promotion of how great they are). You called your ex wife a pathological liar but can’t see you lie and exaggerate too. You talk about your dad being selfish and talking a lot...um....
You told me you would do anything to make me comfortable and safe-but you did not.
“Beware the man who is content when his selfish needs are met and yours are not”
But your words are just words - they were nothing more. I pulled the plug on our engagement and quickly fell right back to my abuse issues-I so easily blamed myself-I always did-and you love that don’t you-lets you off the hook. I fully am aware of myself and my issues. Fully. They don’t make me unlovable. My abuse issues caused me to pursue a relationship where I was not truly loved, i was used to fill a massive void, I was objectified, I was manipulated, i was idealized, i was love bombed, I was lied to-I don’t know if you did it intentionally or whether it’s just who you are...narcissist, whatever you want to call it. As you told me many times you grew up in the car business and learned to read people to sell them/give them what they want. As one of my recovery friends shared with me last week when I openly shared my story, “there are so many red flags with this guy it looks like a slasher movie”. Yes, there were. But I finally woke up. I’m glad you have showed me exactly who you truly are-not your apparent fake self that I fell head over heels for. Your actions and words are immature, selfish, not Godly, are condescending and just not reflective of an honorable person or MAN at all. You’ve discarded me and your lack of remorse and empathy has been shown-your true colors are not pretty. At all.
You do things when there’s something in it for you. I had every right to end our engagement bc you showed me plainly and simply that not only would you not listen to or meet my plainly stated needs, you would only look to satisfy yourself while continuing to make grand promises and expect me to believe your words and empty promises that were all about YOU. My text was very angry words-well deserved and spot on and truthful (but you can’t handle criticism can you-you get angry-or someone actually calling you out on your BS-promises and intentions-it’s always poor matt and you never answered any of my absolutely necessary and just questions regarding raising my girls-they no longer have a father. I have a million questions for whoever gets the honor of raising them along side me-that I personally need answered before I put a ring on my finger-i apologize for not knowing that until that moment-I’ve never been in this position before-but you just offered up more excuses like you usually do when confronted with questions and bolted. My needs didn’t matter, again. It was all about YOU). You are allowed to change the rules and terms whenever you want, but not me. You pretended to be someone you are not, for your own selfish reasons. You dismissed me completely when I needed you the most.
As some of my recovery friends shared with me recently:
“Staying in a relationship with someone just because they "say" things that make you feel good yet "do" things that make you feel bad is a problem. A problem all of us here are very familiar with-much like being with an addict”.
“And when you're feeling weak about him - reread your posts. Seriously a lot of horrible stuff.”
“One thing to keep in mind-narcissist or not this guy treated you horribly.”
“No one should be anyone else’s whole world” (that is not ok and sounds like we are in high school)
“You were love bombed-he promised the sun moon and stars at the very beginning and everything you ever wanted and that he would never leave you to hook you in”.
“Trying to be in a relationship with a person that is so narcissistic is a complete waste of time. There is never a good way to "be" with them. You can never trust them, there is no predictability, because it’s all about them and their needs”.
“No one should have three different explanations for contracting a sexually-transmitted disease (um yeah, you have told me three very different stories on herpes and who gave it to who)”
“No one should put their own gratification before someone else’s fear and discomfort (you did this often and when Noah came back and I was at my lowest you showed your true colors-all about YOU. You actually told me many times “aren’t you glad I’m with you” and “at least I’m here with you” as I was crying and terrified - and “yeah I know you’re hurting but this hasn’t been easy on me”. Dude, the sheer self centeredness of your comments during a scary traumatic time for ME is just so ludicrous. You made everything about YOU. Not once while Aly was in treatment or at any other time and you were struggling with Aly or work or anything would I ever think to ever utter the words “gee matt, this is hard on me” or “aren’t you glad I’m with you?!” as you stated to me-because that is awful-what you did was plain messed up)”
“You have been manipulated. Please release yourself from these thoughts that you have misinterpreted anything he did or caused this”
The best word for you is GONE and I will happily and gratefully raise my children with you nowhere in sight. They deserve so much more than you are capable of giving and being-they deserve a man that doesn’t run and hide when his fragile ego gets bruised and can actually see beyond himself-his hurt feelings and insecurities and fears when **** gets real and hard. We all deserve someone that will raise them with Jesus first and be actively engaged vs sitting there aloof while trying to figure out when he can talk about himself again. My girls ask me all the time why matt matt asked their mom to marry him if he was just going to leave...maybe I’ll just start telling them the truth like you’ve told me: “fiance doesn’t know why he doesn’t follow through-he just talks a lot and says the wrong things ”. Next time maybe stick with your original plan of dating an older woman with no kids-less collateral damage that way.
“It's not you at all, it's him. I don't care about his motivations, just his actions. Yeah he may be legitimately feeling hurt -- he's hurt because YOU wanted something out of the relationship and he's incapable of being in a relationship where it's not all about HIM. I agree, run away quickly with your girls. You are NOT wrong.”
“So he loves you today when you are being compliant but tomorrow when you are feeling a bit stronger and question his motives/truth/actions/plans - you’re no longer worthy of his love”
“There is a holier than thou and condescending attitude in there too. He is smarter! Therefore when you decide something isn't right, wow! She just isn't thinking right.”
“we will talk about that in the future, baby steps”-The only thing missing there is him patting you on the head as he said it; it was all controlled by him all along.”
“Honestly when I read your story it brings back a lot of memories. I dated a full-blown narcissist for a year and a half - what a mess. Your story has SO many similarities.”
“The proposal when you were reeling from having your ex re-appear? Great time to get you to commit while in a crisiis.”
“That guy had no interest in you when you were not able to massage his fragile ego. Once the relationship required any sort of work (and all relationships require work), he was out of there. Consider it a compliment that you're not made of cardboard and brainless and therefore not palatable to him”.
So yeah, I’ll totally shoulder my abuse issues...you know the ones you’ve thrown in my face and told me how long they will take to resolve...you can take all the rest...you got plenty. Your words were great, your actions Were downright creepy at times. You are not a good man. Your actions hurt me badly. You took advantage of my good heart-that you always told me I had, my children, my morals and my faith. I saw behind your mask and it’s not pretty.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Okay...now that you have done that and had your say, do you think you can put it away and not focus on it 24/7? Maybe it's time to concentrate on you and your daughters...right?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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You poured your heart out, you communicated your feelings so well, there's no doubt where you stand, he can't possibly mistake how you feel. Though it hurt like crazy, I bet it felt good to get it off your chest. I agree with the previous poster ^^^^ now its time to live for you and your girls.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
^^ he’s too self centered for that-and he’s discarded me already. He no longer cares bc I no longer serve a purpose.
I don’t know that he was evil but something wasn’t right (and yet I still catch myself saying...did I just make him that way in my head?!)
I don’t know that he was evil but something wasn’t right (and yet I still catch myself saying...did I just make him that way in my head?!)
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
I think the hard part for me is thinking I should have just clarified more? The things that didn’t add up? Am I just trying to find everything wrong with him?
Where us my thinking messed up here? I really want to learn and move on.
Where us my thinking messed up here? I really want to learn and move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by thephoenixrises 
I think the hard part for me is thinking I should have just clarified more? The things that didn’t add up? Am I just trying to find everything wrong with him?
Where us my thinking messed up here? I really want to learn and move on.
Where us my thinking messed up here? I really want to learn and move on.
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What I meant was if I had pushed to clarify all the things that didn’t add up - the stuff he was saying, the inconstincies, the straight up different stories about the same thing. I think I said “I thought you said....” more than anything in our relationship...and was usually met with “of course I didn’t mean that!” Or some other excuse...
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Did you send this to him? If you did, don't do it again. He sounds like a narcissist, and narcissists will use this as supply. They thrive on drama. So this letter makes you seem hurt. That's just going to make him feel smug. He can also print out this email, take it to his next "supply source" and tell them that his ex is crazy and this email is proof. I'm not saying that the email looks crazy at all, I'm just saying, he will deny everything he has done, print out this long email, and then show it off to some morons who will then feel sorry for him. Also, if you used direct quotes from this forum, he can find a way to stalk you online.
From what you have written about your ex, he might be someone who feels it's his moral imperative to "correct" you. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, I'm just saying these things because this is how I think. I've seen my ex "punish" someone for having an opposing opinion to him (of all things!). He waged a smear campaign so thorough, that the guy he was smearing had to leave his community.
If he's not going to do any of those things, that's fine. It's also good for you to express your feelings, but if you write any more letters or emails, please don't send them. When you are dealing with a narcissist, showing them your feelings is like going into battle naked.
There's a thing called the "grey rock" method. That's when you don't betray any emotion when dealing with them. However, it's better not to do that too often because it can mess you up psychologically, which is why it's better to go "no contact". I wish my "no contact" could rewind time, but unfortunately, that will never happen.
I'm glad your feelings are clearer. You can only grow stronger from separating your feelings from his desires.
From what you have written about your ex, he might be someone who feels it's his moral imperative to "correct" you. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, I'm just saying these things because this is how I think. I've seen my ex "punish" someone for having an opposing opinion to him (of all things!). He waged a smear campaign so thorough, that the guy he was smearing had to leave his community.
If he's not going to do any of those things, that's fine. It's also good for you to express your feelings, but if you write any more letters or emails, please don't send them. When you are dealing with a narcissist, showing them your feelings is like going into battle naked.
There's a thing called the "grey rock" method. That's when you don't betray any emotion when dealing with them. However, it's better not to do that too often because it can mess you up psychologically, which is why it's better to go "no contact". I wish my "no contact" could rewind time, but unfortunately, that will never happen.
I'm glad your feelings are clearer. You can only grow stronger from separating your feelings from his desires.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by thephoenixrises
What I meant was if I had pushed to clarify all the things that didn’t add up - the stuff he was saying, the inconstincies, the straight up different stories about the same thing. I think I said “I thought you said....” more than anything in our relationship...and was usually met with “of course I didn’t mean that!” Or some other excuse...
If you're just clearing things up for yourself, sure do it. But don't send it to him. Also, please consider seeing a therapist (not a relationship counselor) because that is also a way you can clear things in your head. You need support services for you now.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by thephoenixrises
I don’t know that he was evil but something wasn’t right (and yet I still catch myself saying...did I just make him that way in my head?!)
Remember, you're not crazy. I know because I'm not crazy either and I've felt like this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by thephoenixrises
What I meant was if I had pushed to clarify all the things that didn’t add up - the stuff he was saying, the inconstincies, the straight up different stories about the same thing. I think I said “I thought you said....” more than anything in our relationship...and was usually met with “of course I didn’t mean that!” Or some other excuse...
No matter what happened, or what you did or didn't do, or whether you did it right or not, or whether he was evil or knows it, or whatever...you are never going to get closure on this from him. The longer you keep yourself hooked into trying to dissect this relationship, the further you stay from acceptance, which is the only thing that will let you move on and focus on building a relationship with yourself that will keep you from getting involved with anyone with so many red flags again.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I hope that by sending him that LONG email it signals that you are DONE, that you no longer wish to clarify anything, debate any past issues or go over another thing. But most importantly that you are NOT expecting anything to come from it. Frankly, I do not see him reading through all of what you felt you had to say to him. I do not see that letter having any impact on him what’s so ever and if you were hoping for something, you’re going to be extremely disappointed.
While you are focused on “feelings” and needing to share them, express them and talk them out. A’s usually avoid “feelings” at all costs and hardly ever want to talk about them. And when they do it’s all about theirs not yours.
While you are focused on “feelings” and needing to share them, express them and talk them out. A’s usually avoid “feelings” at all costs and hardly ever want to talk about them. And when they do it’s all about theirs not yours.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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^^ lol, but SK don’t you recall he generously offered to “give me” closure a few weeks ago?!
Yes, I hear you-the only thing I need to be focusing on is how to not get involved with someone with so many red flags-absolutely.
Yes, I hear you-the only thing I need to be focusing on is how to not get involved with someone with so many red flags-absolutely.
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I am concerned how you will respond if he does reply? You say he won't but he might just to argue his case. I, like op, are also concerned he can now stalk you online. He only has to put the quotes into google to be led here. He's a narcissist and they love having the last word. I hope you wont engage him if he comes back at you cos it won't help your healing process. It's too late now but I'd have wrote it and deleted it cos he won't and can't ever get it.
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