thephoenixrises

^^^ honestly what I’m more concerned about is me-am I the one that has to have the last word? My ex used to tell me that all the time-yes he was a crazy alcoholic but he was correct in that assessment. I feel like that’s an issue for ME.

Gm0824

Girl, my eyeballs almost popped out of my head reading your email to him. To be honest, I didn't read the entire thing, he may not have either. A few years ago, I sent 5 sentences to my xah in an email saying I would no longer be communicating directly with him because of his actions and he responded that he put me in the spam folder. Ouch! I'm concerned with the quotes and keeping your anonymity online. Emails cannot be unsent and these are your emotions on paper, sent to a man who does not deserve them and most definitely cannot be trusted with them. I look forward to seeing you shift from writing about what all he did to what all you are doing for yourself. If you truly believe some of your old character traits of dealing with an A affected you when it came to this situation, I would urge you to continue al-anon for some additional f2f support.

What is your plan? You might have already said ... Will you block him now on email, phone and social media? Keep your chin up.

GM

Learning14

Yep! Narcissist written all over it.

thephoenixrises

I am absolutely working on ME and yes I’ve blocked him on everything.

Gm0824

Awesome!

hearthealth

There is NOTHING you could have said, clarified or done differently that would have fixed this. We don't have that control. The fixing of things belong to half of the relationship, not the whole.

Him saying I didn't mean that changes nothing, much like my husband saying lighten up. You know how he repeatedly acted and that is on him to fix and clarify.....something they NEVER do. It's not their priority. Sorry for all you are going through.

NYCDoglvr

I find it's a good idea to ask myself: "what's my motive?" when contemplating an action like this. I hope you can let go now, it's a bad idea to stay fixated on anyone. Have you tried Alanon? It was a lifesaver in terms of turning the focus from someone else onto myself. It's about my recovery, not anyone else's.

thephoenixrises

^ yes, I have...not recently - currently just therapy. Honestly? My motive was to be heard...regardless if he read it or not. I needed to send it (and yes, that is an issue I need to address). Expecting validation from him is as pointless as expecting my alcoholic ex husband to admit to the things he’s done. I’m trying to put that to rest-that he will most likely not ever take ownership for his stuff.

trailmix

Yes, there can be no validation from a narcissist. He won't read that like you meant it.

If his ego is hurt by it you will become the bad guy - look at all these hurtful things she said about me! Hmm can't be me, must be her! (sound familiar).

People high on the narcissism scale thrive on positive reinforcement from others to feed their ego, which they are not capable of "feeding" themselves, they look to the outside for that. Horrible way to be (for them and for everyone who comes in contact with them).

As for clarity, you tried! He side-stepped and would just continue to do that. To admit to lying, making up stories about situations - won't happen, can't happen.

How many times did he admit fault to you? Apologize?

thephoenixrises

Very very few...very few apologies. Usually just an excuse, deflection or turned it around or made promises he didn’t keep. Of course words of affirmation is his love language!!!! (Totally to feed his ego). I did try for clarity but he did side step and yes, I hear you-he won’t admit to any of it. I know this and more than that o know my head hurts from thinking of him - my girls and I deserve so much better. But time now just to live and grow with myself-I have a long way to go.

Lol-I know I have many things to work on (a lot) but I do feel a lot of growth did actually happen after my divorce. My first marriage I saw every one of the red beacons shining bright and did skip gleefully past them thinking they would change in marriage (intentions! Ugh). And of course that turned out awfully. But THIS time I did see the red flags but I DID pull the plug and didn’t get married-I did end it so I have grown. Next step is actually being able to walk away from red flags-and getting to the self esteem piece of why I didn’t in the first place (people pleaser? Etc)

Sasha1972

I am concerned because you used first names (of your ex and his daughter?) in your post. Would you consider going back and editing or deleting them? Someone who knows you, your ex and the (?) daughter might be able to find this post by searching their names.

PuzzledHeart

I second what Sasha said. And when you included this quote, I honestly cringed. He can put two and two together and figure out that you're posting to an online board.

CedarTexas

Phoenix, I recently lost my fiance to an alcoholic relapse as well. I do hope your letter is a closure for you. I've posted that losing someone you loved to addicition is like the 5 stages of dying...denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. In my own journey, I'm finding out that my former partner is also a narcissist. I too sent her and her family notes that said I still loved her and needed her and would do anything. She proceeded to turn the notes on me saying that I "drove her family through Hell" and "they were questioning my sanity." Sadly, that's what a narcissist does, turn things around, and being an addict just adds to the complications. I was told by a preacher recently to read the Psalms and Gospel of John, as they are about grief and becoming whole again. I also I highly recommend you find to just meditate for 15 min a day. It will help you be a calmer person and help you with the grieving process. All the best.

Lilro

Hi Love,
Boy am I glad I came to take a look at this site today. Being that you and I go back a few years I feel comfortable telling you what I think of your post and I know that you know what I am going to say is coming from love and respect...
What the heck girl? Although I am happy that you feel that you needed to explain yourself to him it truly doesnt sound like he deserved any explanation as to your feelings at all. If he really is a narcissist we both know that went in one ear and out the other. With that being said, do yourself a favor, BLOCK HIM immediately. This kind of man thrives on your sadness, annoyance, confusion, whatever. They live for it. Do not give him any more satisfaction. Ya know, I have always thought of men like this (my ex) as predators. They look for easy prey. Once you start thinking about him in that light it should be easier for you to move forward. You are not easy prey are you? No, I didnt think so.
Now brush it off. Another lesson learned and move forward. You've been through too much with your ex husband to have to deal with another man like this. Thank your lucky stars you were smart enough to see him for what he is before getting married. And there you have it, the silver lining.

xoxo Ro