Lulu2018

Long time lurker, but this is my first post. I left my husband today. After a few hospital visits and detox, he entered treatment last week. Last night I found out something very hurtful, something he only admitted to when I confronted him. I am used to the lies that come with his drinking, but this was a low blow. I told him I would be seeking a divorce because I couldn’t handle the lack of trust anymore and felt that our relationship is not going to heal.

I packed my things and left. I explained I would be blocking his phone number as I felt it was best that we didn’t communicate directly at this point.

The problem is, I’m really struggling to stand by my decision. A small part of me knows that it’s the best way forward, but a much louder voice is telling me that I need to go back. That I need to make sure he’s ok, doesn’t have a severe panic attack or make other unsafe choices. I worry that he’s going to harm himself. I think of the worst case scenario and immediately get anxious knowing that I can’t do anything if I’m not there. I know this is the co-dependency rearing it’s ugly head, but I’m really struggling to ignore these thoughts. I’m heartbroken and feel selfish and guilty for leaving him.

For those that have been able to move past these thoughts - what worked for you? I know this is going to be hard, I’d love to hear of hobbies or activities that helped you keep the focus on yourself.

Thanks

Sleepyhollo

Get yourself into counseling!!! Guilt is an ugly thing and I still struggle with it after almost 1.5 years of counseling. I'm still with my RAH but I'm not really sure that our marriage will survive, mostly from my end. Guilt had been present my entire life pretty much and codependency for most of it as well (except I didn't know what it was until I confronted my H one last time, ready to call it quits.
It's not going to go away overnight as it is so ingrained in us. Get a counselor with an addiction background (very important) and get yourself help. Consider alanon as well.
You can't help him, you are not responsible for him. He is in treatment, they can help him. Your being around hasn't helped him so far. Only he can get himself out of this. You don't necessarily need to divorce him this instant but no contact or other strict boundaries are needed. If he gets clean and stays clean and shows you he's a changed person you can always reconsider (-after at least a year I would say). But if you are done that's ok too. Do you have kids? If it hadn't been for my kid I would've most likely left and not given him that last chance.
Take care of you and don't worry about him for now. He is in charge of his own recovery. And he will more than likely still be able to manipulate you at this point as it will take time for him to see his manipulative ways (if he is going to). So any plea for help and pity at this point is manipulation.
Get yourself into counseling asap. I'm not all that into the whole pyscho babble stuff but counseling has been a life and sanity saver fo me.

Wamama48

Hi Lulu! It sounds like you are so torn. I'm sorry I dont have any advice really except in the hobby area. What really interests you? What are you passionate about, what have you always wanted to do but never had the time or motivation or energy to do? What do YOU like? Don't think about anyone else's likes or dislikes, or what will that person think if you get into ____. This is about YOU and what YOU need! Its ok to put yourself first for once. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to heal. For example I resumed my love of herbs, I make herbal remedies, and walk in the woods. Sometimes I share walks in the woods with my boys and we look for herbs in the wild together, but that is part of what I want to do, pass this knowledge onto my kids. A lot of the times it's just me and my Mastiff Piper, traipsing around in the deep woods, climbing big hills, looking for elderberries or whatever, sliding back down the hill all muddy and sore. But I found my passion, it helps soooo much. So, what do you want to do to help your healing and make you take time for yourself?

Harperlee4

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I just broke up with my alcoholic ex and it was due to fairly similar circumstances from the sounds of things. I kept waiting in hopes that he could get better. I though that if I was only patient enough everything could work out but eventually he fell deeper into his depression and deeper into the booze and behaved so appallingly to me and with such utter disrespect that if I were to stay I would be compromising myself and my own integrity.

It’s been almost three weeks now and I still grapple immensely with feelings of guilt and concern for my ex but I try to remind myself that not only was I acting with compassion for myself but for him too. If I were to stay I know my ex would have gotten progressively worse in his behaviour and he would hate himself even more. He couldn’t admit to his mistakes but I am sure deep down he knows he was wrong and hated himself for it. Alcoholics already harbour so much guilt, hurt and hatred for themselves. To stay would only continue this cycle. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is love from afar.

Lulu2018

Thank you! I have been going to a therapist for a few months now, it felt so freeing to speak to someone about the situation as I had been isolating myself for a while. We’re just cracking the surface, and I know I have a long way to go before I can stop feeling so guilty. We have not had kids yet, thankfully this makes my leaving much easier. Thank you so much for the kind encouragement - it really lifted my spirits.

Lulu2018

HarpeeLee4 - I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar. I really admire your courage to leave and take care of yourself, and thank you for the reminder that it’s probably best for both of our interests. I’ll be thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way!

NYCDoglvr

He is an adult, not a child, and as an adult must be responsible for himself. I know it's frightening to make big changes in life, but what you are doing -- leaving -- is a huge step in your recovery. You seem to have learned that there's nothing you can say or do that will keep him from drinking and acting out. Alanon was a huge help to me in getting my life back and I recommend
it.

Gm0824

Lulu, so glad that you posted. I hear a lot of strength in your post and just wanted to offer that grieving any relationship is challenging. There is a process to it and it takes time to heal. I learned here and in Al Anon to put words to how and why I was feeling a certain way. When I left, all I was able to articulate was that I could breathe and things became much clearer. What I had learned was that I had been living in a F.O.G. - what kept me living in that F.O.G.?

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

Hope that helps you some. Sending you positive thoughts during this time.

GM

AnvilheadII

a lot of times, we confuse our own self-doubt with "other guilt". when we have been in dysfunctional, codependent relationships we don't FEEL our own feelings as much as we take on what we think THEY are feeling. we assume responsibility for THEIR feelings.

and it becomes like a logic statement:

<<THIS>> happened (i left him)
he MUST feel <sad, alone, bereft, abandoned>
therefore it is MY fault he feels <bad, gloomy, depressed>

since we feel it is our JOB to make sure they NEVER feel anything but joyous bliss, we feel that we have done something wrong, almost criminal.

everything is projected on them and everything is filtered back thru them.

the guilt ends when we recognize where WE end and THEY begin. when we hand back the keys to their emotional bus. when we ALLOW them to feel whatever they are going to feel, however they do so. and realize that was NEVER our job to begin with. they are fully formed adults and have complete autonomy over their own thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, choices and decisions.

once we do that, we can climb back inside ourselves, and get familiar with our own internal landscape.

Lulu2018

Thank you everyone for your posts!

Wamama48 - what a fascinating hobby that is! I feel like over the years I really lost myself, I don’t know what my hobbies or passions are anymore. I attended a yoga class tonight. It was my first one, and I was not great at it (laughing thinking about it!) but I’m proud I went. It was the first thing I’ve done by myself, for myself in almost 8 years. Thank so much for your encouragement, I’m going to keep trying new things to discover what my passions are! I hope you enjoy your adventures with you sons and dog!

GM - you hit the nail on the head. I have been in a F.O.G for a very long time. I hope that with time away that it will lighten. I used to tell my AH that drinking made his mind foggy - quite a shocker to now realize that I myself have been living in a fog as well. Thank you!

AnvilheadII - I’m really struggling with articulating my true feelings. This is something that I’ve been working on with my counselor. I’ve neglected them for a long time, and now I’m trying to figure out the root of what’s really going on. I do need to work through the guilt and stop taking on what I think other people are feeling. I do feel like a criminal at times - that something will happen and I’ll be blamed by others for causing/not doing enough. I need to remember the 3C’s.

I know this was a long post - I’m still getting used to the forums. I really can’t thank you all enough for your responses. It feels so nice to know that I’m not alone.

Smarie78

Aw guilt and I are best buddies too :-). I understand your pain. It’s a horrible way to feel when the guilt gets to us and we’ve done exactly nothing to feel guilty about. I still feel powerful pulls of guilt for not being enough leaving my xabf. I don’t mean not DOING enough as i did much more than that. But guilt for being a “reason” for him to feel bad as though my brain says, “look at his suffering through addiction and NOW you’re leaving him at his worst???”. I hated playing the role of being there no matter what and pleasing him no matter what, but to do otherwise made me feel bad. Like I was disappointing him anytime I’d veeer off the road of my “good girlfriend role”. Even when he did the worst things to me I still felt like I had to be good for him because I couldn’t bare the thought of being the reason for any of his pain. If i disappointed him or didn’t love him enough, even if it was him who gave me constant reasons not to, I felt bad and guilty for it. I now know leaving was what I had to do as I don’t really have a relationship even if I stayed. He isn’t capable of one right now. Too sick. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel bad for the effects his addiction has had on me. In other words, his addiction and actions lost my trust over and over, hurt me to the core with lying and abuse and cheating and everybting else you can think of, yet I still carry that big bag of guilt with me for leaving. That’s what counseling and Alanon are for. I worry sometimes that I don’t process it as normal people do. That i go through the motions even tho i feel guilt that I’m not supposed to feel, but in the end i learn it’s okay as long as I don’t act on it. Like you the guilt in my life leads me to a tug of war bc the guilt is eased when I go back, I feel like a good girl, but then ugly resentment takes its place. So i sit this one out. Sit with the guilt and know it is just a feeling and I don’t have to act on it. It’s my brain lying to me. My soul knows I’ve nothing to be guilty of.

Hugs

Smarie78

To address the other part of your post, I also know what it feels like to be panic stricken at what will happen if you aren’t there. Through counseling and Alanon you will find acceptance. It took me a very long time and I still struggle to this day, but you will find that you must accept that nothing you do will control the outcome of his disease. I tried for years. Tried everything. I never won. And neither will you. Nobody I met has ever been the reason someone else stayed sober. Or even alive. I found that when I was there for him making sure he didn’t make “un-safe choices”, he made them anyway. Pouring the booze out, taking his wallet, locking his shoes and clothes and every ethanol household product in the trunk of my car. He STILL found a way to make unsafe choices. He just did them where I could witness them and go through the worst hell in my life. He made those choices alright and all I got to do was watch him make them in my home and destroy us both.
When I wasn’t there to check on him and the illusionary “keep him from making un-safe choices”, he slept under a highway for 40 days during a massive snow storm and Midwest deep freeze and drank away. And guess what? Nothing I could have done then either. Point is, we are totally powerless. It’s probably the worst feeling I have had to face as an adult. But once you accept it, even if done while kicking and screaming...it does get easier. You let a big breath out and say “this really is a painful realization, but it is a fact so I will learn to accept it because it’s all I can do.”

Sioux

You just got to do it anyway. Take care of yourself.

After awhile, the knife twists stop and it gets easier to do what is best for you and let others do what is best for them.

There's no other way.

Sailorgirl57

Reading a book right now that I LOVE LOVE LOVE and it is actually more helpful than therapy or alanon because it is SPECIFIC and PRACTICAL.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay. By Mia Kirshenbaum. Takes you step by step through diagnosing whether you should stay or go. I got it used on Amazon and it is opening my eyes in so many ways.

Please read it!

Love and hugs from Sailor! ❤️❤️