So I Said Goodbye
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Givenup2018 
London, you have received some sage advice here. I know it is very difficult when you love someone so much and have been through so much with them and now when there may be hope of their sobriety then they seem to withdraw.
The reality is that an alocholic doesn't really know what they want. Deep down they have led a self centered and selfish existence with their abuse of alcohol, you are the collateral damage. He does not know what he wants but will keep you hangind on the hook till you are no longer of use. An alcoholic cannot love you because they do not even love themselves, so do not expect the type of clarity you are looking for. They will say many things, meaning them at that moment but they will then be forgotten.
I do not know how old you are but if you are not married to him, I would suggest you work on yourself, go to al anon, read, get therapy and move on from him. Your relationship was toxic and you would have to build a completely new one with him (provided he wanted the same) with absolutely no guarantee he doesn't drink/use again. If you are young, let him be and move on. Otherwise, you will be in a limbo of your own making and it is not a pleasant place to be, many of us have been there.
The reality is that an alocholic doesn't really know what they want. Deep down they have led a self centered and selfish existence with their abuse of alcohol, you are the collateral damage. He does not know what he wants but will keep you hangind on the hook till you are no longer of use. An alcoholic cannot love you because they do not even love themselves, so do not expect the type of clarity you are looking for. They will say many things, meaning them at that moment but they will then be forgotten.
I do not know how old you are but if you are not married to him, I would suggest you work on yourself, go to al anon, read, get therapy and move on from him. Your relationship was toxic and you would have to build a completely new one with him (provided he wanted the same) with absolutely no guarantee he doesn't drink/use again. If you are young, let him be and move on. Otherwise, you will be in a limbo of your own making and it is not a pleasant place to be, many of us have been there.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by kayleezen
In al-anon we don't give advice or assume we know things we don't. To tell someone their relationship was toxic based on the basic principles of alcoholism or the general statement that people with this disease can't love is out of the scope of a path to recovery. Your story is just your story and what happened to some people does not happen to others.
assume we know things we don't.
see post 21:
This isn't really true for guys trying to get sober, they can't knock down doors to be with a girl, if they do then they aren't putting their priorities right and are at risk to relapse.
you dont know that.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Busting down doors is a violent act. It's not romantic. It's not love.
London, It sounds like he is in early recovering and struggling to stay sober but doing the right things to stay sober. It also sounds like he is being honest with you.
London, It sounds like he is in early recovering and struggling to stay sober but doing the right things to stay sober. It also sounds like he is being honest with you.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by hearthealth
Busting down doors is a violent act. It's not romantic. It's not love.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Yeah, I thought she meant it figuratively, not literally. But I agree, if someone is literally trying to bust a door down, you should get a restraining order.
London - I agree with the other posters...read or watch the movie, "He's just not that into you." It's a good refresher.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Learning14
London - I agree with the other posters...read or watch the movie, "He's just not that into you." It's a good refresher.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Just a head's up on your mood when you decide to put the movie on... for whatever reason that movie made me cry and made my ex laugh. He wasn't my ex at the time... guess he thought it was funny that he wasn't that into me. You need supplies if you're going to watch it: supplies like ice cream and stuff to blow your nose on. It's probably not that sad, probably just me.
If a person wants to be with you, they will move heaven and earth, walk across hot coals (and possibly knock down a door
). I think of all the times I acted "needy." No one thinks that's attractive. If they do, they're not healthy either.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Learning14
If a person wants to be with you, they will move heaven and earth, walk across hot coals (and possibly knock down a door ). I think of all the times I acted "needy." No one thinks that's attractive. If they do, they're not healthy either.
). I think of all the times I acted "needy." No one thinks that's attractive. If they do, they're not healthy either.Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Personally I don't think you can apply norms or what a movie depicts as a norm to an addict or recovering addict. Or anyone with a mental illness for that matter.
Or to any number of personality types either.
For an alcoholic their number one focus is alcohol. For a recovering addict that's probably true too, just in a different way. Now, that said, can't really make excuses for an addict, that's not helpful either.
I guess what i'm saying is please don't take this personally London, I know that's really hard but from the sound of it this guy is confused, at best. I hope you have done some reading in the Alcoholic's forum(s). Their struggle is real and relapse and struggle is real.
Again, no excuses here but reading their stories might help you.
Hang in there!
Or to any number of personality types either.
For an alcoholic their number one focus is alcohol. For a recovering addict that's probably true too, just in a different way. Now, that said, can't really make excuses for an addict, that's not helpful either.
I guess what i'm saying is please don't take this personally London, I know that's really hard but from the sound of it this guy is confused, at best. I hope you have done some reading in the Alcoholic's forum(s). Their struggle is real and relapse and struggle is real.
Again, no excuses here but reading their stories might help you.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Just wanted to add this that I saw on the thread started by Phoenix, just wise words here:
Thanks GM!
Originally Posted by Gm0824
I read thru your posts. Sorry for you pain. I understand your pain and I know when I left my qualifier I was consumed with the "why's" and a very stern al-anon old timer just looked me in the face and said, "Because he is sick and that is what they do." Words of wisdom that helped me immensely.
In my experience, once I was able to shift the focus off of him and onto healing myself and children my life improved.
No new contact equals no new pain.
GM
In my experience, once I was able to shift the focus off of him and onto healing myself and children my life improved.
No new contact equals no new pain.
GM
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by London393
Yes. IF they wanted to be with us, they would be with us. Still hurts tho.
Just keep getting through each day London. Even if you are not within sight of healing, it is there.
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