spedteach

Agreed completely.

spedteach

Very good question. I suppose the answer is: I see my options clearly. I know what my options are. My therapist moved so am looking for a new one and if this awful weather would cooperate, I have a couple of meetings I will go to. I won't risk driving in our horrible snow we have been getting. I read a lot and pray a lot right now. I am asking my higher power for some help and direction. But I can't lie, I don't want a divorce. We have many more sober years than not and those memories make it very hard for me to just walk away. Lots for me to think about.

spedteach

I agree. I am actively looking for a therapist that is also an addiction expert. The one O was going to has moved. I also run and that helps a lot. He is who he is, yup for sure. And I am who I am...so we will see. Definitely focusing on me and my wants, needs, goals and interests for sure.

spedteach

Well, honestly, we have had a lot of good years, him sober working a program so we have had a lot of happy times for sure. I take care of me. I run, lift weights, read, meet friends for dinner or lunch, shop, am taking a class. I definitely am looking out for me. Right now, I am back at ground zero looking for a new therapist and hoping to find a good Alanon meeting...the last one I really liked folded. Ugh! 15 years huh? Geez...but truthfully, I am at a point where, this is on him. I came here to vent a little because I was irritated with his latest game and I fell into it..I know better! Ugh!

spedteach

I have read through all of the posts..but wanted to respond to you here. Yes, in a sense it is. Maybe not a fun vacation but it's a break from real life..the day to day stuff that makes up life. I KNOW it's not easy and it is needed for a lot of reasons, one being medical. However, as someone else said, those of us who are the spouse/significant other are still doing the mundane day to day tasks and dealing with our feelings and emotions as well. Not to mention if there is a family day, rearranging schedules to be there if we can. I cannot remember a time when I have had 24 hours to deal with just me and my feelings. I have a child, dogs, work full time, a mom whose age is starting to require a lot more help, etc. I did not mean for you to think I don't see it as work...but truthfully, for me, it's one more time where me, as the spouse, has to handle things that he doesn't and he can focus on just him. And this isn't about codependent stuff...a child's need and dog/cat's needs are what I mean here. No one to help out with these things. My AH is one that can not drink when he has to do something and he has always been a binge drinker. When he's been sober (most of our son's life) he's been a very involved dad...so if he's gone, I feel it a lot. I am not making excuses for him, but really, he's not an awful man..he's a good man who has a problem. I haven't quit or given up on him...he needs help. And I was frustrated in that moment as a snowstorm was going on, my dogs needed my attention, my mom wanted me to drop everything and a few other things...so that is where it comes from. Just bottled up frustrations.

ScaryTime

Spedteach, so sorry you are having to go through all of this yet again!
This is what I am terrified of...
I am still planning to end all of this in August/September but I have recently been focusing all on me not him or his meetings or anything -been staying on my side of the road.
It’s not that I don’t love and care about him, it’s that this shouldn’t be so damn hard. I want a partner; not for me to do everything all the time and to have to ask him for help.
I am also terrified of what you are going through...a relapse. Alcoholism is a sneaky disease and even going through the progressiveness of the disease once with my AH, I don’t know I would recognize it, if he relapsed, right away and that terrifies me.
Keep taking care of you...I feel for you... my dad is also extremely demanding (I think they tend to get like that) along with everything else I am dealing with, with AH (in recovery).
Thinking of you and keep on your side of the road; and yes, you know better than to care what he is up to and such but it sounds like you have made your decision to stay in the relationship and if you are ok with that then that’s ok. I just don’t know that I could be okay with that.
And yes I think you should get a vacation! 😊

tomsteve

im a double winner. in the time ive visited and replied on threads in the F&F forums, i have NEVER been dismissed as unchanging, in a revolving door, or hopeless by ANYONE here.
there are quite a few double winners over here and quite a few recovering alcoholics have posted over here and i have never read anything like that for them either.

what i read time and time again here from the awesome people that have been in the shoes of the women i had been in relationships with is there is no hope for change if the alcoholic isnt going to get help for themselves and themselves alone.
in my own case, that was 100% true. too many reasons i quit for. every time it didnt last. the longest i managed was about 30 days.
when i finally decided to get sober and get help for me and me alone, I changed. my ( by then ex)fiance didnt want crap to do with me and i cant blame her one bit for that. im actually very greatful she tossed me to the curb because that was the action necessary for me to receive the gift of desperation- that was how the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality.
but i didnt let that let me down because i know the man i USED to be and was working to get further away from that man.

Wamama48

You hit the nail right on the head,
I agree with you 100%! You get the work and headache while having to stuff a lot of emotions and he gets to devote 100% of his time to working on his. And he's the one who caused the whole issue. I hate, hate, hate alcoholism!!!!!

Givenup2018

I am sorry that you feel that people give up on you but let me share my story with you so that you might understand the mind and heart of an al anon.
I know my A for 30 years, married 25 with 2 college going kids. He has drank since I met him, though since marriage it got much worse. I only realised he was an alcoholic perhaps 15 years ago as he is successful, high income earner, etc. I have brought up 2 kids mostly single-handedly while working. I rarely received any love, affection, care, respect because I was at least 3 or 4th on the list after his booze, work, friends, etc.

I have suffered emotional, mental, and (yes) physical abuse (he has bruised me by pushing me against a wall- once) he has punched holes in doors, smashed furniture, played mind games, made promises, wept and the cycle was repeated again. On the outside our family looked like the perfect family, his work colleagues wouldn't have a clue.
He has been in AA numerous times, with the exception of this time last time was in 2016, he stayed sober (but only as a dry drunk) cause he decided he didn't need a programme anymore and lied to my face when he fell off the wagon. He is now working the programme but I have been here before, I have moved out of the bedroom and decided to live my life for me. I hope he can be successful for him and my kids in particular as they love their dad. Do I love him, sometimes yes and sometimes no.

I am still here but with one foot out the door because it is affecting my health. So sometimes we al anon have to give up in order to save ourselves and let the A save him/herself.