spedteach

So, my AH has stopped taking the Xanax as of Monday...and now of course he's dealing with the withdrawals that come along with it. He thinks he has it all figured out...he meditates daily (in the morning), is working full time and see his therapist. But (you knew that was coming) he seems to think that it is okay that he stops and has a shot and a beer before coming home. He thinks once he's done with the Xanax withdrawals, he can stop the drinking. I'm not at all saying it's my business, whatever...I am telling you for a tad of background.

So the other night he pulls the "when are we going to do things together as a couple." what?? okay...here we go...and he says how he's bored, we never do anything, blah blah blah. He lets me know that I am an awesome person, but I haven't been a great wife lately because I don't go along with his drinking and he'd really like for us to go to the bar and have a drink together. I looked at him and said "No I will NEVER drink with you. I won't go with you and I do not agree with your plan. BUT you are an adult and YOU can do as you want." So he asks me why I have such a big issue with him drinking, he's been sober more of our marriage than he hasn't been (which is true, but when he drinks it's bad). I honestly said to him, every time I see him with one, or smell it that it brings back a ton of bad memories....mean things he's said, his driving while drinking, him taking off for 5 days to "camp" with his brother when our son was 3 weeks old, and several other bad memories for me. Stumbling around, passing out, picking at me and everyone else whose around when he's drunk. I let him know that we both know he will have a day when the switch flips and he will have a lot more to drink and this will all be repeated.

So he's playing games with himself now. Trying to act like he's got it all figured out and can handle stopping in the way he's planning to. I know it won't work, but this is his journey, not mine. I have my own things to focus on.... just wondered, does anyone else have an A in their life that plays these games with themselves?

And PS: I am full of some resentment right now...and I can't let it go. He was at rehab 2 times early in our marriage (about 19 years ago) and also about 3 years ago...right now, I see him on the path back to an inpatient treatment and I cannot lie to all of you...it makes me mad. Very mad that once again, he'll leave to take care of himself, I'll be invited to the family program and hear the information about addiction and blah blah blah but there isn't a lot of support for how it impacts the family.... and on top of it, while he's gone...guess who will have the house, the animals and everything else to take care of? Dang...maybe my solution is to find a 2 week vacation for myself somewhere! Ha ha

dandylion

spedtech.....a vacation would be a really nice treat for you....but, I think we both know that it is not a solution.......

AnvilheadII

right now, I see him on the path back to an inpatient treatment

and can you see YOUR path?

Babescake

Do you view rehab as a vacation for him? For me it was a lot of hard work and dealing with emotions.

SparkleKitty

Spedteach, if you are going to move forward, you have to find a way to deal with your resentments that doesn't revolve around anything he does or doesn't do. You're right -- it's his journey, not yours. But you have a journey, too.

I definitely had an A in my life that played these games with themselves. And I played my own games right alongside him--until I didn't. Only when I stopped waiting for him to be the solution to my unhappiness did things start to get better for me. And to do that, I had to accept that he was who he was, not who I wished we was. When I did that, I could let go and start forging my own path.

Ladybird579

Do you view rehab as a vacation for him? For me it was a lot of hard work and dealing with emotions.

My exah described rehab as a "good laugh" this week. I think he's not really working it. I doubt anyone who was serious about recovery would say it was a good laugh. I don't think op was describing rehab as a vacation but was saying she would like one.

Angrymarble

I haven’t been posting lately but this struck a cord. I’d love 2-4 weeks to deal with my emotions. I can’t I work full time and have 3 kids that rely on me. My H relapsed this week while I was away. I can’t even travel for work.

So yeah taking time to deal with your emotions and nothing else sounds like a picnic bc right now I’m dealing with my emotions while holding everything else together.

maia1234

S,
I am so sorry, its just not fair, is it. Watching him swirl in the toilet bowl going no where quick. Hon, you have been around SR for almost 15 years. I think that you have paid your dues in more ways then not. You know how this is going and you have the patience to stick it out. God Bless you, as I just didn't have the strength myself. I "wasted" 34 years of my life with my addict. I finally got off the crazy train.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but worth every tear. I still cry today, but I am in such a better place then watching my axh self destruct. I always said he wasn't going to die on my watch. You know you have choices. You know that you don't have to watch this again. You know that you don't have to wait till he hits rock bottom and then he gets his "4 weeks vacation" again.

What are you doing for you? What self care do you give yourself after this many years with an addict, besides listening to his BS. You deserve so much more!! Hugs and I am so sorry!!

AnvilheadII

amen sistah..........

Babescake

Rehab isn't a picnic. We know the burden we are putting on loved ones/spouses. At least I did. And there's a lot of shame and guilt attached to it. Maybe people can see it as a positive and courageous step an alcoholic is taking to hopefully move into recovery. That is why I did it. Not to burden my family, but to unburden them.

maia1234

Babe,
No one is saying rehab is a picnic. You have to understand us "codies". You are the addicts but we are the codependents. We go through the same 12 steps process to get "well" as you, but we can't do it in facility, all alone, with Dr's, support groups, meetings and everything else that goes with your support.

Us codies work full time, take care of the house, kids, car pool, home work and everything else. Then maybe we can sneak in a therapist appointment or an alanon meeting to help "us". You have to understand that we are as sick as you but in a different way. You get out of rehab all rested and supported, we are barely surviving. We are happy that you are moving into recovery, but we are no where near your recovery, because we cant even breath. I recognize that you don't want to burden the family by going away, but look at the big picture, it is a burden when the "healthy" member in the relationship needs to step up and be mom and dad. The pain that this disease has caused the family is excruciating and once again the addict is not around.

I appreciate your response and supporting the addict side. But as we don't know what the addict is going through, you don't know what we are going through and let me tell you its not easy. There is no "4 week rehabs" for us codies to check into.

Babescake

I get that. However that is what troubles me. Is this section of the website only for codependents? I thought it was for Friends & Family of Alcoholics? Granted, codies definitely fall into that, but aren't there different aspects? I'm trying to bring my side too. I am an alcoholic, newly in recovery without support, and I just want both sides to be able to express their views.

I don't know your views. And you don't know mine. That is the quandary. I just dislike, being a person that is fighting SO hard for sobriety and to regain life, people familiar with this disease dismissing us "alcoholics or addicts" as unchanging, revolving doors or hopeless. I never asked for this. Neither did you or your/my family. It sucks all around. I just hate seeing families give up on members trying. I'm facing that myself and it sucks. Sorry if I bombarded the intent of this thread. I'm in AA but still in the self-indulgent stages so please give me time.

maia1234

Babe,
I respect what you are saying. Us codies have put up with a lot over the years with our addicts who are either friends, relatives or spouses. We are the sober ones and remember each and every incident. I put up with 34 years with my addict, waiting for that miracle to happen. I was not so lucky to have it happen.

I am so proud of every addict who seeks sobriety and a better life for themselves. It is once again a very selfish thing that you have to do, by working a program. But us codies can't be selfish and take the time to heal. We have to do it among the million other things that we have on our plate. Addicts typically, (maybe not you) are extremely selfish people (while drinking & during sobriety). From my understanding over time and working the 12 steps, this changes.

I am happy for you with your sobriety, but you need to think outside of yourself and recognize what other people have either given up for you or have done for you. Spedteach has been "dealing" with her addict for over 19 years. This is exhausting. We need to show compassion and understanding of how she is feeling. As we say on SR we need to put on our oxygen masks first and then help other people. Self care, which us codies usually put on the back burner, is why it takes us a long time to heal.

When you come on the Friends @ Family forum there is a lot of hurt and pain from people watching their addicts kill themselves. Just try and put yourself in their shoes and recognize the "addict" has caused this great pain. I love hearing comments from an A's perspective, but wanting us to have compassion and understanding for an addict in rehab is a stage, that through working a program, us codies will eventually comprehend. I think its great that you keep reading our side but don't get defensive, open your heart and maybe something will click and you will understand that pain that we live with every day.

Hugs my friend, so proud of you that you choose to be sober today!!

Ladybird579

I just dislike, being a person that is fighting SO hard for sobriety and to regain life, people familiar with this disease dismissing us "alcoholics or addicts" as unchanging, revolving doors or hopeless.

I understand that must be upsetting cos you are trying but those of us who have or had addicted spouses were not dismissive of them. We all loved them very much and some of us still do. Most of us were on the merry go round of drinking, attempts at sobriety and drinking again for decades. Absolutely years and years living in hope and the reality is ..sorry to say..few get sober and are able to stick to it and in my exah he never even tried.

I really hope you make a success of your recovery, I really do but you can't blame us for seeing how it normally is and protecting ourselves.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (26 years) I can say some people change over a great deal of time but the odds are very low. Superficial changes happen to most of us in the first year but the real deep stuff takes decades of hard work doing the steps and therapy. Codependents carrying a lot of resentment have hard work to do as well and Alanon can be of enormous help.

Sleepyhollo

My RAH was in rehab for 90 days and I know it was hard for him in many ways, BUT he got to focus on himself 24/7 with lots of meetings and therapy. It took him a good 7 weeks before he finally started seeing his dysfunctional ways and that is 7 weeks of intense therapy etc. Had he done this outpatient style it would've no doubt taken him many months and or even over a year to get to the point where he was after 90 days of intense therapy and self reflection and self care. So I know it wasn't a vacation. But in the mean time I stayed at home keeping the household running and trying to keep everything sort of normal while I was also working and dealing with my own emotions that were now many since the alcoholic cat was out of the bag and in the open. I did not have the luxury of even having one week where I didn't have anything to worry about but myself and focus on me and nothing but me.
That is why it has taken me much much longer to deal with a lot of this stuff and almost a year and a half later there is still e lot of stuff that I'm realizing about myself, the relationship and why I feel the way I feel about things.
When my RAH had not even been home a week he was upset about me being very distant and detached. I told him I had my own **** to deal with and he had the audacity to say "like what". Like it had not affected me that much. It is only in the past 2-3 months probably that he is understanding how much and in what ways it has affected me so he has chilled out a bit. But that was after he had been out of rehab for almost a year. And some of the stuff I didn't even realize or was aware of until recently.
I did get to go away with just my kid this past summer to visit family and friends. Being away from him was great but far from stress free.
So again, no one is saying rehab is a piece of cake, at least not if the addict is taking it seriously, but you were able to focus on yourself 100% for the time you were there. I can't even remember one day where I had 24 hours of nothing to worry about but myself. Because recently I was gone for 24 hours but still had to deal with some kid/child care issues while I was gone. And I don't honestly mind as far as my kid is concerned. It just means that it is much harder for us to work on ourselves and it takes longer for our healing and changes to take place. And rehab was very stressful for me, not because of the duties I had at home because I'm pretty much used to doing most of it anyway, but just all the emotional crap that came along with him being in rehab and worsening things between us. I would've loved to have gone on a vacation after he had come home from rehab to decompress. But like I said even when I was on vacation without him it was far from being stress free.

Bekindalways

Sigh . . . have any of you thought that there really should be some kind of rehab facility for us?

I was such a mess after I left my qualifier, that looking back I should have been in some kind of emotional ICU.

Bekindalways

That's a good question Babescake. I suppose there are many Friends and Family of Alcoholics who aren't codependent. These folks probably maintain good boundaries with their Alcoholic, don't get as hurt and so don't develop the resentments that codependents do.

These people don't need the support and healing that we codies need. Consequently, they don't come here to SR often and don't stick around when they do. They don't need us.

I remember a young woman posting here. She described recently walking in on her boyfriend doing drugs. She took one look at him, said, "f**** you" and ran out of his apartment. When she reached her car, she turned around and saw he had followed. She once again said, "F**** you", got in her car and drove away. She might have posted twice. She didn't need us; she had what it took to do the right thing immediately. Some day that young man may contact her when he is sober. She won't have any resentments as she didn't stay long enough to get hurt.

I'm now wondering if anyone here sees themselves as healthy/non-codependent before and after they met their qualifier?

Sleepyhollo

I'm now wondering if anyone here sees themselves as healthy/non-codependent before and after they met their qualifier?
I didn't know what codependent was until I read codependent no more right before confronting my RAH almost a year and a half ago. But I can safely say that I have been codependent for a very long time. I never knew it but this goes far back. And obviously non codependent people do get involved with addicts as well but they don't t stay with them more than likely once they see that there is a problem. Like Bekind said, they don't need to be here.
I'm changing my codependent ways hopefully for good. It ain't easy and it's taking a lot of counseling but I don't want to ever go there again if I can at all help it

Ollie91

I've seen my wife play that game a million times she always thinks she knows best no matter what. I totally know how your feeling. Try making your mind blank or putting all your attention on, for example a colour on the wall just that. Wonder in your head how that colour came about silly things like what in nature is that colour anything about that colour. You soon forget everything even if it only lasts for a minute. In that moment you have peace.