dandylion

It may sound a bit hackneyed.....but there is a term that is often associated (at least, in my mind) with Hollywood celebrities....."Irreconcilable Differences".....used. at the time of their divorces.....
I used to laugh at that...as just a way to gloss over the "real" truth of their issues..to the public....
However, I, now, think there is a lot of merit to that in many marriages....
square peg and round hole situations....now compatable and not meant to be.....

Another thing that I have heard couples therapists say is...that....by the time that many couples come to therapy, together...especially after several years of conflict.....that one of the partners usually has one foot out of the marriage (emotionally).....and, that person comes to the therapy with the "secret" agenda of becoming validated for getting out of the marriage.....(this is usually never said, out loud).......

I'm just saying......

LifeRecovery

FireSprite-

For me my eating disorder and codependency go hand in hand. I truly believe that most of us struggle with more than one challenge, and I suspect my qualifier does also.

I find it interesting that you are concerned about acknowledging that here. I have had similar challenges (but more often mine has been feeling like my points of care are more about eating stuff than living with a problem drinker challenge).

Either way I am glad that you are taking the next best step in your recovery.

FireSprite

I wish it were so straight forward dandy, but it's just not. (but I do appreciate what you're saying)

For every bit of this discomfort there are absolute moments of Love & it would be GREAT if someone could clearly tell me why or what to do about it. (even the therapist agrees that it's the strangest mix of honest, real love & complete dysfunction) I know that if/when I am sure that I'm ready to move on, I will. My sense of self & safety are not tied to him in any way. I thought I WOULD be "just done" at this point & I'm as baffled as anyone that I'm not!

I've sat & examined these feelings for weeks to make sure that I'm not mixing obligation, guilt or fear into this equation. I've marinated in it, double-checking to see if I'm codie-ing out & putting his wants or needs ahead of my own & I'm just Not. Even though it's easy to feel like I'm doing "for him" in therapy, the reality is I'm doing "for DD" almost 100% of the time. But sometimes it feels more "for him" & that irks me & causes me to have toddler-esque meltdowns. I have a lot of what I refer to as "very human moments".

The reality also is that IF I woke up tomorrow feeling completely finished with this relationship, he is very, very unlikely to cooperate with me. I spent weeks over the fall discussing divorce with him & even brought up ID as an out for both of us & he was not on board then, even less so now. Not that it's up to him to decide how *I* feel - that's not how I mean that.... but until I'm confident about what *I* want it makes sense to me to keep receiving & processing information vs. leaping to (re)action. If/when "more is revealed" either in his behaviors or my mindset, I'll act accordingly.

The saddest part is that he could be 100% committed to change right now but it's going to take a lot more time for that to prove itself out so I can't use that as a way to measure anything. For all intents &purposes, it seems like this might be the first time he's honestly trying to change... who knows?

I really don't believe your point about using therapy as a way of ending things is valid in this case - he didn't need this as an excuse, I'd long-ago given him templates for divorce paperwork & we've had many discussions where I've asked him to just leave because he seemed so obviously unhappy. Personally, I don't need any more qualifying reason to leave than I already have - I don't need to "use" therapy to justify anything to either one of us. There are a lot of personal details not getting shared here because they're irrelevant - I don't post about much of anything specific only because I don't need that validation about what I experience or how I feel about it. No way I'm wasting time & money in therapy just to make leaving more palatable for anyone, including DD.


Oh yes Sister, me too. Me. Too. I know we've shared about these struggles in the past in this & the ED forum.

This is one area I have gotten well under control & I feel like a Rock Star entirely. I have gotten so much healthier about separating my emotions & my eating habits & feel really confident about my healthier lifestyle all around.


The other reality is that I'm UP far more often than I'm down in all of this... my happiness does not depend on him. While this sucks & there are moments when I want to run screaming & moments when I want to stomp my feet & make demands, I spend far, far more time being happy with about 1000 other thoughts & things. My recovery really IS working.

I do appreciate all the input!