Wamama48

Thanks everyone for sharing your viewpoints, it helped me to make up my mind.

I decided not to go. I told him this is for HIM, to help him stay sober. If he's not sober, there is no marriage to work on. And, I don't trust him. You can't work on a marriage when the foundation of the relationship isn't there.

I might join him later if he wants. I do feel a little bad because I just dropped him off and I know he has a very hard time seeing in dim buildings, and there's no way he can fill out the paperwork. There are other people who can help him.

I know it makes me a bad person, but I'm still too furious to have much compassion for him. I needed him so many times over the years and he chose his beer. I can't help how I feel, I should show more support, I just can't do it. He's in his appt now, I can't even go in the building. I'm in the car. Its 38 degrees outside, but I'd rather spend the hour and a half in the car than in that building.

Ladybird579

I know it makes me a bad person,

You are not a bad person. You just set a boundary that's all. One that was needed. Being angry does not make you a bad person either. It makes you human and you have had many reasons for a very long time to be angry. I'd not have even taken him lol

DontRemember

You're not a bad person. I'm sure you've "held his hand" through enough stuff already. Time for him to be a 'big boy' and handle HIS stuff on his own.

Edit: Go for a coffee or some shopping(even window).

SparkleKitty

You're not a bad person, Wamama. Taking care of yourself does not make you bad. It makes you healthy.

Clover71

That's not being a bad person at all. I second going for a cup of coffee or
Something

Wamama48

Sitting here crying. Thanks for letting me know I'm not a horrible person, it makes me feel so much better. 😍

Wamama48

He's blind so he doesn't drive.
I guess that's my support, dropping him off. Its a relief to know I'm not some evil hearted person. 😁 ***you might be wondering....how does a blind person stumble around drunk and not kill himself? Well, he's the most graceful faller I've ever seen***

PuzzledHeart

It may have been said before, but often marriage counselors refuse to see a couple if one of them is an addict. They believe the addiction has to be treated first before the marriage can be repaired.

You can't take his medicine for him. You can't do his learning for him. You can't do his therapy for him. He might as well learn it now rather than later.

AnvilheadII

surely he informed the clinic/office of his vision disability while making the appointment??

dandylion

Wamama.....you are not a bad callous person....otherwise, you wouldn't be crying.....
Everyone has...or Should have....limits of what they can and will tolerate from other people. Even people that they might have loved.....
To me, that is what boundaries are all about. We all need boundaries, in life.

It sounds, to me, like you have reached your limit of what you can live with, without totally...completely...losing yourself.....
personally,I don't see that as a point of dysfunction--I see that as being a normal person...who still has a shred of self-preservation left...lol.....
Being in a relationship...or marriage...no matter how long...does not automatically condem us to a life sentence in "emotional prison".....

this may be the hardest thing that you have had to do...but, it may be the best thing you have done for him...ironically....
Just like, we never know how much strength we have inside of us...until we have to use it....the same thing applies to him!! Always--we have to be pushed up against the rock to find this out......

I'll bet that you have let him slide a million times, over the years...?
does anybody let you slide....?

DontRemember

I listened to an AA speaker someone posted..It was the 1st airline pilot arrested for 'FWI?' Northwest captain..he said that his/their 'family counselor'..it was something about their kid, told them he wouldn't 'take them' if they were actively drinking..makes sense.

ladyscribbler

Actually this reminds me of my friend's story. Her AH had been sober for years and then relapsed, and she kicked him out. He lived rough for awhile, then showed up and asked her to drive him to rehab.

She did, but instead of finding a parking spot and walking him in, she dropped him off at the front door. He looked at her, all hangdog sad, and said, "Aren't you coming in with me?"

"Nope." And she left him there and spent a long weekend at her sister's house. At the time (15+ yrs ago), she felt "like a horrible person." But she'd already been down this road, and done all the handholding and going to appts. By the time he relapsed, she had enough years of recovery to stand firm in the boundary she'd made the first time he got home from rehab.

At the time, she felt very guilty and sad, but in hindsight she is glad she didn't let those things dictate her choices. Though she felt like she was being cruel or doing something wrong, letting him navigate round 2 on his own was "the best and kindest thing I ever did for him."

As much as I dislike the expression "success story," this couple is one I know whose marriage survived addiction because both were working their own individual recoveries, staying off one another's side of the street.

Wamama48

Wow! Good for her, she did the right thing. I know I did the right thing, I just felt bad about it. Guess I better get over myself and make those boundaries. I guess the boundaries we make are the ones WE need, NOT the ones others think we need or agree with. I'm so glad their marriage made it, it gives me hope if thats the path I choose to go down.

DontRemember

as an addict in recovery, if people had kept 'holding my hand' through tough situations, I had brought on myself and sometimes them, I wouldn't be sober now. I had to 'grow up'.

Smarie78

Very proud of you! I understand how you must have felt. I remember when my qualifier asked me to go to an AA meeting with him after already a good couple years of continued relapse. I went thinking I could support him, but it didn't really matter because I couldn't fight it for him. Even when I did do things with and FOR him it didn't help, but likely made things worse. I know your pain though. I know how hard it is to set boundaries and feel like you are punishing. Eventhough you know you are not, your emotions sure can pull a number on you. I like that you said you know that people there can help him. Took me a long time to realize that I wasn't the only source of help. In fact I was the worst person to help because my help was biased. He didn't need me. to help. Sure he wanted me to, but the right people to help were those in the program or his family. Not me. And once I let that go I didn't feel like such a rotten person anymore. A sad person, sure! But not a rotten one. If you were a rotten person you wouldn't even be posting this. You'd say "take the bus you drunk!"...and even then I wouldn't think you were rotten My therapist views my qualifier as a child. When we tell children no, we say it for their own good even if they think we are mean and nasty for it. They don't quite know we are doing the most loving thing we can.

Hope you are feeling better today!

Wamama48

Thank you so much for the encouragement.
The quote at the end of your post really helped me too.
I cant see the basement at all, but there has to be one right?
Hugs!!!!!