Smarie78

No it’s not an actual holiday, but anyone else struggling a little today? I remember last year going to my sisters and not being able to bring him with. I remember a lot of that pain of not being able to be together on holidays or significant celebrations and feeling so alone. Sad for myself and sad for him.

Today going to my sis’s again and again without him, but by different circumstance. I’ve been sick all weekend so will be nice to be around others (still fighting off a cold! They’ve been warned). I will get that nag of loneliness I know imaginging the dream I use to have of a future where we could spend these celebrations together. Last year we said “next year we will spend it together”.

I think all of those significant dates are hard the first time round. Oddly enough I could care less about Valentines Day. This one hit me more today for some reason. Maybe bc V day was one that’s more like a card and candy, whereas these events are more about being around other people who get to be together. Ok pity party over! Going to clean the bathroom now before heading out. Pretty snow falling today (which can be sad too for some reason!)

healthyagain

No not really, nope. For some reason, we tend to forget fast all the ugliness and miss the nice moments. Speaking of the Superbowl, here is why I do not miss it: 1) His team never got to play in Superbowl; 2) He would always always pick the team that would lose, so he would get pissy; 3) He hated Patriots and Tom Brady; 4) He would of course be drinking which would increase the pissiness ; 5) And then I could never get the Superbowl food made right, something would always be out of order (greasy, not salty enough, tasteless, blah blah); 6) Superbowls are always on Sunday, and Sunday evenings are the worst. Yuck.

Today, I came back on here after several months because last night I had a nightmare. I dreamt that he came to my place because he wanted to see the car title, which is in my name only, and he wanted to check if it is in his name too so he could give it to creditors and pay off his debt. I've been divorced 2+ years.

I cannot imagine another holiday/special event spent around him.

dandylion

Healthyagain...I don't know of any factor that is guaranteed to throw monkey wrenches into holiday celebrations like an alcoholic/addict!

Smarie78

Totally fair enough. I’m not that far in my recovery yet and to be honest, I’m not sure I will ever get to a point of loathing for him. He hurt himself more than he ever hurt me. Will these moments leave me soon and I will no longer remember the special times? Sure. Was he ever really horrible to be around? Yes when he drank it was a nightmare. He did some horrible things to me yes, but when the terrible things weren’t haunting us, we had some beautiful peaceful moments together. Where the real him was able to be present without the demons killing us both. I know hold onto that. For now.

dandylion

Smarie....for the sake of this discussion....what proof do you have that he shared that dream of shared family experiences with the passion that you did? I am not saying that he didn't--I don't know. but, what led you to believe it?

trailmix

Was he not invited?

Lots of snow here, I don't like it!! The roads are a mess.

Smarie78

No tangible evidence of course. It was just something he continuously said was his goal. But so was keeping his job, divorcing, being a better dad, quitting drinking. I think we both fantasized about something that would never be.

I really believe in his heart he wanted the things he claimed. He just couldn’t have them without being sober. He would cry when he would drink and say how he wants to die because the first time in his life he wants something with someone he can’t have. I think with addiction they truly do desire normalcy and all those things, but they don’t know how to climb out of their self imposed abyss. Or they know how, but can’t seem to do it.

Smarie78

No. Never invited. The first major relapse he had and my family and friends watching what I went through, finding out he was legally married (estranged in separation for years) and just a host of things they forbid me to see him or if I did it was never to be discussed much less bring him around. I successfully hid the relationship thereafter for two and a half years and only my sister knew. That was a big hell too as if the addiction wasn’t enough. Living a “secret” life, lying to loved ones, living a life where we were secluded from others. Living under extreme scrutiny from my closest family member. It wasn't healthy for him or I. We just thought that if he got better we could come clean. We both lived in fantasy.

dandylion

Smarie....I submit that he had the alcohol to numb his feelings...and to hide from the reality of life...but you, on the other hand...did not have such an anesthetic...you had to face it straight-up......
You had to face that...as well as the other abuses he put on you (like the camera photo instance)...to carry with you....
I think it is astounding to see how much you have to pay to be in this relationship....
Everywhere it cost him a penny...it cost you a pound....

NYCDoglvr

I avoided visiting the past, which was overall miserable when factoring in the alcoholic. Being grateful for all the blessings in my life today feels a lot better.

Bekindalways

I didn't have that many great times with my qualifier but I did desperately and painfully miss my beautiful fantasies about us. . . . .I know, I know . . . these were not healthy nor realistic fantasies but man oh man were they intoxicating.

grayghost1965

The realization I came to was that in order to have what I truly wanted out of life, I would have to make changes. I was never banned from family things; I was always able to "drink socially" around family and friends without making an ass of myself. Now after we got home and my wife went to bed it was game on. I'd drink until passing out usually and stumble to bed in the middle of the night (or not).

Everything in life involves choice on some level. Too many alcoholics choose the bottle over what is important, thinking they can be like others who "drink normally" and "have it all." When they realize that they are chasing an impossible dream, the depression and resentment sets in and furthers the spiral.

Not being a football fan, the Super Bowl never meant much to me except, as you said, an occasion to hang out with family and friends. There was usually a card game or board game going on along with FOOD. So go, enjoy however you choose, and move forward.

SparkleKitty

Like Bekind, I found that I wasn't missing the memories of better times together with my XABF, but the memories I wished we'd been able to have. The truth is, in just the ten months we spent together, he ruined every holiday, major or minor, every birthday--and he even managed to ruin them differently each time, almost as if he was trying to catch me off guard. My favorite was how he insisted we not go where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner because he was ashamed he couldn't afford to buy me my meal (even though I had already planned to pay--I just wanted to go out for a meal, I'd long since given up on the idea of being treated to anything, or even being able to split the check). I remember asking him if he realized that he was making my birthday all about him, all the while insisting he had my interest at heart, and him looking at me like I was insane, ungrateful, and kind of a nag. Happy birthday!

We broke up just after Thanksgiving, which I didn't spend with him, but he had already even managed to ruin Christmas by then. And then he kept after me, asking for another chance, saying he would change, that he had changed--really, the full court press. When he finally seemed to get it that we were over, all he wanted to know was, could he still keep the presents I had gotten him for Christmas (an expensive shirt/pair of boots) without even the offer to give me whatever he had gotten for me. I said yes just to be done with him and to not have the hassle of making returns.

The reality of him was never as good as the fantasy I had for him, but it took me a long time to really gain that perspective. I don't loathe him now, that seems impossible. I don't feel anything for him except sadness that such a talented man was so committed to his own destruction, and sadness for myself for that time when I was thirty-five that I can't get back.

But without that relationship I wouldn't have learned what I learned about what I am responsible for and what was just me clinging to the illusion of control. And believe me I know that at only ten months, I got off lightly.

AnvilheadII

The reality of him was never as good as the fantasy I had for him,

perfect summation. i don't believe struggle to let go of the person, but we do struggle to let go of our FANTASY world. IF-land......WHEN-land. it's hard to let go of because it would be so perfect......Nirvana.....Heaven on Earth.....rainbows and unicorns. and so much luvvvvvv.

PuzzledHeart

Smarie, have you looked at this?

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/

I know that I'm being rather evangelical about No Contact, but experience has taught me too well. I wanted that closure so badly, and I actively sought it. All it gave me was a re-broken heart that was just beginning to mend.

I sometimes think that "closure" is a fairy tale concept invented by Hollywood execs to sell tickets for weepies and tear-jerkers.

AnvilheadII

there's a word missing from my post.....i notice i've been doing this a lot lately, sorry for being a sloppy poster.....i have these annoying yet harmless floaties in my right eye and they kind of force me to sort of skim over posts or see things that aren't really there.......

hopeful4

Create new memories for all the holidays. It's worth it, I promise.

NYCDoglvr

I agree absolutely. The more time between the present and the breakup, the more new memories fill the void. All feelings change.

firebolt

I second this!!

Making my own new traditions, changing my holidays and going back to all of the amazing places that burned bad memories into my brain because xabf was a drunken &h!t$h0w - to make new GREAT memories is changing everything.

My history is different now. It's taken a few years of hard work but those awful holiday memories, and 'vacation' memories are fading, and peaceful, beautiful ones are replacing them. One by one, my history, my LIFE is changing for the better.

It is something to look back and remember all the craziness - and NOT feel like its your life. It was 1 short, painful, but significant chapter that while maybe necessary, is NOT my whole story.

Smarie78

As an add on to this, something a few of you have touched on was distance between the contact and new memories filling that space. Of course that's the goal and what we wish for ourselves to feel better, but were you ever afraid of it? I am finding that as more time is passing I am detaching further and further. I am still very sad at this loss, still struggling on lack of closure, but I am almost resisting feeling less attached (??). I miss the memories, the good ones, so very much, but this was always a fear of mine that one day that truly is all we would be. Two people who were in eachother's lives for a blip and then it was over. I struggle a bit even at the above comments of making "new" memories. They are happening even if I don't want them to. I thought this the other day of recent things that have happened. I mentioned before, the silly minutia of daily living, the dogs teeth cleaning and the new rug. How that felt so long ago yet it was a memory he was no part of. And as days pass more of these would happen naturally until I thought of him as little as I think of the man who was in my life 10 years ago.