AnvilheadII

that is how it is supposed to be, Smarie!!! people are not permanent fixtures in our lives.....they come and they go. some for longer than others. but NONE of them are OURS to keep. life is fluid......and by it's very impermanence is where we find our gratitude for the now. and we find that letting go is much easier if we never cast our "grip" in cement in the first place.

Smarie78

Thank you. These are wonderful words for me to keep in mind. Again, all remnants of trying to let go of control. In this case, trying to take a grip on nature's progression. I grew up very closely tied to my family with a lot of unintentional guilt delivered onto me for leaving the nest, despite my parting significantly later than most adults. I harbored that and still try and control it by frequent visits to said "nest". As though I have some way to intervene into what is natural to satiate my deeply rooted feelings of guilt. Smarie, you are SUPPOSED to leave! logic says. You are SUPPOSED to move away from harmful and toxic relationships! I am so use to acting on the illogical I get uncomfortable in the face of normalcy. Life should become much easier I believe when I stop trying to control all of this.

AnvilheadII

it will get lightyears easier when you REALIZE you never had any CONTROL in the first place................

FireSprite

YES!

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rol-scary.html (What can you control? Letting go of control is scary.)

dandylion

Smarie....it would follow, then...on the heels of our continuing conversation, on this subject...that, you have internalized your parental values...(high achievement expectaions/ strong family obligations, as examples)...and did not "individuate" enough, at the expected time...in order to establish (internalize) your own, personal set of values. Leaving you in the position of being pistol whipped by your superego, with the guilt and shame of not "living up" to their values.....

Lol...do you grasp what I am driving at...or does this just sound like a lot of hokus-pokus, to you...?

Smarie78

You hit the nail on the head. I sometimes resist this, but there is some truth here. I have always strived to be "good" or "enough". I grew up in a wonderful family that people are envious of because of how loving they are. Friends even whistfully saying they wish they had parents like mine. I do believe a lot of this is self-imposed. Nurture PLUS nature, as my other siblings have different struggles but none quite like my own. I remember these feelings very early. My most vivid though seems to go back to the inadequate feeling in school as a child. The bullying, moreso than the family life. But I think both mixed up a nice cocktail of mess

dandylion

Smarie....I know, too well...that what can look "wonderful" to the outside...can be different than they expect...to the person living in the situation. Children can have different "assigned roles" in the family, and, sometimes never get to grow out of the labels, as adult...even...
I am referring to the considerable time that you have talked about having to do so many things for your family and mold your schedule around them--or change your plans to accommodate them... and, that you cannot ever tell them "no" without overwhelming guilt (even when you have good reason)....
Living with your family for a longer time, than most of your peers has been mentioned....
I am thinking of the area that I came from...often the youngest child..especially, the youngest girl was the one...especially, if they did not move out to pursue job/education...or especially, if they did not marry...was designated to stay closest to the family and keep the parents from having an empty nest...and, be the one always "free" to do things for everybody else....