tomsteve

But his telephone has been shut off.

just one of the mysterious ways God is working for you.

Bekindalways

^^^^ Yep. Pretty much. And we are all rooting for you.

Unfortunately none of this is going to make it hurt any less Smarie.

Smarie78

Such a keen observation! Yes, I do sound a bit forced don't I? I supposed in a sense I am. I mean, I don't know what I would have done had he come back like he usually does after a few days off the wagon. I guess that scares me a little. I was pretty sure that I would not have gone back, but my past has frightened me from trusting my own self to do what I need and not fall back into.

I think initially it felt like I was forced. You can't really go back to someone who isn't there anymore right? So as much as I sometimes like to take the credit that I have kept away, kept strong, I think in a sense I WAS forced, but that the force has turned more into a choice now. As mentioned, I could probably track him or someone who knows him down. I could go show up to the sober house. I could go to a meeting he use to frequent, but I think I am coming around to making the choice that was sprung out of ...well, what started as forced. Now that weeks are going by, I am feeling less afraid in the world without him. Were he to show up now, the train will have already left long ago. I get moments of profound sadness, but the anxiety piece is almost gone. The worry of his fate. It's there, a bit dulled, but now has much less power over me.

For now I just these nagging uncomfortable moments of sadness and lonliness. The lonliness comes when I go to sleep or make that first step into my apartment. When I cook for just me now. When I lay down at night and my brain starts reminiscing and grabbing onto the imaginary toes where his use to be. Even when he was drunk and raging I always wanted our toes to touch when the quiet came. I think about all the things that happened in the last few weeks that he doesn't know about. All these small details he'd otherwise have known, but knows about as much about now as the stranger on the street. The dog's teeth finally getting cleaned after years and years of horrible breath and us talking about it. Finally changing the off-white stained rug in the front room to beige. My new art work in the bedroom. The creepy neighbor guy we joked about who I ran into at the gym. My solo trip to Ikea that felt like so long ago it's hard to believe he wasn't around even then. All of the recent memories feel too recent for him to be missing. But they were actually now weeks ago. My self getting use to my "new normal".

Sometimes it is scary as you get further from it, as welcoming as it is. The further you get the pain dulls, but so do the memories of the good moments. It can feel wonderfully terrible. I know at some point it will just feel wonderful (or that's what I hear around here

Bekindalways

^^^^^ Congrats on this Smarie. It is so good to hear.

I definitely had to force myself to leave and stay away. It was that bad. And my obsession for my qualifier that strong. I think my timeline was similar to yours although the circumstances different. Maybe for folks who stay longer with their qualifiers, there is more abhorrence towards the individual. I don't know.

Keep at it lady . . .each day you build on a bit to this new normal.