Smarie78

It's been 18 days since he left. While I've gotten use to the disappearances they've never really gotten easier. My sister keeps asking me, what makes me think I am really going to leave him this time when he comes back asking for another chance? I don't know what to tell her to convince her, but I know this is finished for me. Maybe it's the time he's been gone, it being much longer than normal, maybe because something truly is different this time. Maybe this extended leave he has taken has allowed me more time to process and accept this as what it is and not so much what I always want to pretend it to be. 18 days gone I can't really pretend things are fine anymore can I?

I don't really know how I am moving on, but I am doing it. It's uncomfortable to not know whether he is alive or in the hospital or jail. I can't sit on the thought for too long or my mind can go to some dark places. It's uncomfortable to have thoughts that I could have stopped a part of it if only I did this or that, but in the end I've never been able to stop him. The first 10 days I was in my normal state of anxiety, but now it's just a calmness that he is not there anymore, no matter where he actually is. I'm sitting with it, and okay with it. (even if im not feeling ok with it).

I haven't gone no contact. In full disclosure, much to your disappointment. I have tried to reach him for the sake of putting my mind at ease. But his telephone has been shut off. The messages I will send every once in a while for a literal pulse check no longer even go delivered. Today I've stopped and committed to never "checking" again. My sister asked if there is anyone I can call to see what is going on and I explained to her that I know where he was living, that if I really wanted to I can go there and talk to someone. But why? Part of me knows it's a literal door I no longer wish to open, and the other part of me doesn't want to know if it's something I would not have the strength to handle.

So I continue to move on and get use to the reality of life without him. I want to say it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me, but I'm not there yet. I want to say "you go girl! reclaim your life! the life you deserve!", but I'm not there yet either. I am just doing the best I can for today. Working, taking care of my health, bathing my little dog in tons of attention and love (something that I notice I am really clinging to more than usual), and finally accepting he is out of my control and into the world without my raft. I still hate the thought and strongly wish I could save him and shake him and make him see, but I don't have to do anything with those thoughts.

AnvilheadII

one helpful exercise that has been recommended and utilized by many is to imagine placing your loved one into the waiting hands of God, or the benevolent being of choice.

and then letting go.

also reminds me a Note from God:

Dear Anvil,

Turns out i will NOT need your help running the Universe after all. Thanks for the offer, have a good day.

-Love, God

CentralOhioDad

I'm going to print that out and hang it in my office. Wow, I needed this today!

COD

Smarie78

This is great and made me laugh. I do recall dandy or bekind saying that they mentally pictured unclasping their fist where the addict was balled up in....and spreading their fingers to hand him over to God who was waiting with an open palm.

NYCDoglvr

A variation of this is putting them in a hot air balloon and watch them float away and asking God to take care of this problem because I can't.

dandylion

Smarie...it must have been bekindalways.....

(I have tried to nag you about self talk).....

trailmix

That seems perfectly normal to me. That part will come later or maybe never, maybe you will just be happy and peaceful. Either way it's better than being unhappy and full of fear!!

This is kind of important. It's too much for you right now, probably has been for some time. It's the getting hurt part. You can't trust him to not hurt you, to not worry you. Is the fear even truly rational or just part of the dysfunction? I don't know how long he's been an alcoholic but he's been plodding along so far, (drinking) before you came along too I imagine?

As for your Sister, you don't really need to convince her imo. People on the outside of this don't really understand, which i'm sure you already know!

Keep doing what you are doing. It's real progress even though it probably doesn't feel like it yet.

Smarie78

thanks so much all and thank you trailmix! I teased my sister the other day that I felt I was a basketball player at a press conference after a bad game, explaining how I was going to do better, but at the same time felt unable to really explain my poor performance or whip out the crystal ball to tell her what was going to be revealed. I really can only process my experience and do my best and that nothing I could tell her would ensure anything at all. She has been desperately waiting for me to leave for years that any time I progress she wants reassurance. I always found the chain really comical. There's me begging and waiting and hoping for the addict to change "for real this time". Then there's him promising only what he can for today. Then there's my sister begging and waiting and hoping for me to leave him, and me promising only what I can....for today.

A true cycle of sickness that spreads even to the third party. But yes, I agree it is hard to explain to another not involved directly. I see it and hear it in her voice how it truly dumbfounds her why I stayed. How can she be sure this time I left for real? Are there success stories out there of people who leave? It's almost like she's trying to quiz me to see if she can find out the end of a movie and I have the script. Only I don't have it. And to be honest, it's exhausting and stress-inducing to be at the podium when I don't have all the answers or the logic she is looking for.

The most important thing I can do is take care of myself...someday long from now it may make sense to her and maybe even to me. Or maybe not. And that's ok too.

hopeful4

You are doing really great friend! Keep being kind to you!

Mango blast

I came across this last summer and it really helped reinforce things for me.


You're taking good, healthy steps. No need to think about tomorrow. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

(((Hugs)))

FireSprite

I agree that more time and space , especially No Contact, will help a lot. Give yourself time to establish your New Normal.

My question is in regard to the way you titled the thread.... Acceptance as the ONLY choice... If you feel sort of forced into Acceptance, it can be very easy to revert back to old ways with the right triggers. Don't forget to keep actively working on GETTING TO Acceptance on your own terms, ya know?

And never forget: No one has EVER died from discomfort, it's temporary.

Bekindalways

Oh my gosh Anvil, I love the above. There are folks who are Camp Director types and then there are codependents who act like we are right up there with God running things. I plead absolutely guilty to this.

Yep I was the one that would visualize holding my qualifier in a tight fist and then releasing him one sticky finger at a time and watching him fly into the light and love of God. I don't know if it helped but it did give me something to do while I waited for the eventual acceptance to come.

Courage to you Smarie. Try whatever helps and it will take time before you are really okay.

ScaryTime

Thanks Anvil! I also needed this today! Thank you! To be honest you **** me off at times with some of your comments and then I think about them and think dammit Anvil has got a legit point....😊 I am still learning and trying to maneuver on this road called life...

AnvilheadII

To be honest you **** me off at times with some of your comments

surprisingly enough, you aren't the first person to say that!!!
well in so many words........

ScaryTime

😂

aliciagr

Hang in there, it will get easier to accept. And remember it takes time to incorporate new patterns, habits, thinking into daily life.

qtpi

I saw a quote the other day- Don't make permanent damage to your life because of temporary discomfort. Maybe if you can call your Alanon sponsor if you feel like contact-

firebolt

I hope you are giving yourself a big pat on the back for that. It's NOT easy!

The weight lifting will come. 18 days girl....I wanna know how you feel at 60 days. That's where I felt markedly different. Not AMAZING....but so much lighter, and so much more focused on my own health rather than his.

Baby steps - one foot in front of the other - you'll get there!

FireSprite

Just another for this anvil..... I personalized it with my boss's name & put it on top of her desk for her to find 1st thing this morning. She's having a tough month running from one client crisis to another & back again.

She ROARED with laughter when she found it & has been all smiles since. Easiest part of my job today!

tomsteve

that Dude has a HUGE notepad with that and has sent me that note a time or 40.
usually when things arent going MY way.