Date night didn’t happen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
Date night didn’t happen
i almost never get a Saturday off from work. So my husband suggested we have a date night tonight. He works from 10-6 or so Monday through Friday and I go to school Mon through Thursday until 3:20. I drop my daughter off and pick her up by 4pm every day. Then since he is off on the weekends he watches her while I’m at work. She’s 10 years old.
So I was excited to actually spend one night with just us. It had been a long time. For the past couple of weeks though he’s been acting weird and I just thought maybe he’s tired or stressed or something. Then I started noticing the usual. That subtle smell that makes you question your sanity. So I ask if he’s been drinking and of course the answer is always the same, no. Then it’s the constant yelling, screaming, and other oddities in his sleep. He patted me on the back last night and just said “cigarettes” and then went back to sleep, which consisted of heavy groaning and kicking. Still the denial. Couldn’t find one empty laying around but there were brown bags crumpled up all over the place but still told me I was crazy. He said “It’s the same kind of bag we use at work.” He forgets I have actually been to a liquor store and know the difference. I finally told him this morning that he needed to quit drinking because I actually smell it on him and I’m tired of the lies. He hung his head in shame and anger and went back to bed and stayed there all day. He canceled our plans to go out and eventually told me he’s been drinking like this for 2 years now. Hiding it from me this whole time. So every time I left for work he was drinking after putting my 10 year old to bed. I’m beyond furious about that and at myself for not acknowledging the signs sooner. My daughter and I packed up a few things in the car and we came to my moms house. Again. I don’t know what the next chapter in our lives will be. My mom lives 2 hours from our house and my school and work so I’ve gotta find an apartment or something near there and I’m really at a loss right now. I love him more than anything but I cannot allow this to continue. My daughter is my main priority and I have to finish my education for both of us. I’m not getting any younger at 43. I’m just really heartbroken at the moment. Thanks for letting me vent.
So I was excited to actually spend one night with just us. It had been a long time. For the past couple of weeks though he’s been acting weird and I just thought maybe he’s tired or stressed or something. Then I started noticing the usual. That subtle smell that makes you question your sanity. So I ask if he’s been drinking and of course the answer is always the same, no. Then it’s the constant yelling, screaming, and other oddities in his sleep. He patted me on the back last night and just said “cigarettes” and then went back to sleep, which consisted of heavy groaning and kicking. Still the denial. Couldn’t find one empty laying around but there were brown bags crumpled up all over the place but still told me I was crazy. He said “It’s the same kind of bag we use at work.” He forgets I have actually been to a liquor store and know the difference. I finally told him this morning that he needed to quit drinking because I actually smell it on him and I’m tired of the lies. He hung his head in shame and anger and went back to bed and stayed there all day. He canceled our plans to go out and eventually told me he’s been drinking like this for 2 years now. Hiding it from me this whole time. So every time I left for work he was drinking after putting my 10 year old to bed. I’m beyond furious about that and at myself for not acknowledging the signs sooner. My daughter and I packed up a few things in the car and we came to my moms house. Again. I don’t know what the next chapter in our lives will be. My mom lives 2 hours from our house and my school and work so I’ve gotta find an apartment or something near there and I’m really at a loss right now. I love him more than anything but I cannot allow this to continue. My daughter is my main priority and I have to finish my education for both of us. I’m not getting any younger at 43. I’m just really heartbroken at the moment. Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I can relate to what you're feeling, holly. I went through a similar situation w/XAH.
The biggest thing is that however painful it is, now you know the truth, and even more important, it sounds like you have accepted it. You are ready to face the reality of the situation and deal with it rather than keep on wishing and hoping and hiding things from yourself.
Here are links to 3 threads of my own that might resonate w/you. You might find some help in what our wise SR members had to say to me. They are in chronological order.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-you-can.html (LONG post but appreciate your help if you can)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...7-deja-vu.html (Deja vu) (this thread mentions filing for divorce, which I did, but then converted it to a legal separation, mostly so I would continue to have affordable health insurance through AH, since my job offered none and "Affordable Care" is quite a bit less affordable if you aren't 21 any more...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-i-guess.html (So, I guess this is it...)
The biggest thing is that however painful it is, now you know the truth, and even more important, it sounds like you have accepted it. You are ready to face the reality of the situation and deal with it rather than keep on wishing and hoping and hiding things from yourself.
Here are links to 3 threads of my own that might resonate w/you. You might find some help in what our wise SR members had to say to me. They are in chronological order.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-you-can.html (LONG post but appreciate your help if you can)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...7-deja-vu.html (Deja vu) (this thread mentions filing for divorce, which I did, but then converted it to a legal separation, mostly so I would continue to have affordable health insurance through AH, since my job offered none and "Affordable Care" is quite a bit less affordable if you aren't 21 any more...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-i-guess.html (So, I guess this is it...)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I am so sorry this is happening.
Now you know and it is up to you to take care of you now. He is going to do what he is going to do... you did not cause this, cannnot control this, and cannot cure this; but you CAN and should do what’s best for you. That is the one thing you do have full control of! Take care of you!
Now you know and it is up to you to take care of you now. He is going to do what he is going to do... you did not cause this, cannnot control this, and cannot cure this; but you CAN and should do what’s best for you. That is the one thing you do have full control of! Take care of you!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I’m so sorry. I know this feeling well when you get excited to have a nice day or evening together when suddenly you get hit with all the familiar gut wrenching signs. The empties...the subtle smell that yes, make you question your own sanity as they are so convincing with their lies. You half believe the excuses and the lies because you want to feel like MAYBE there’s some hope that you are wrong. Or you half believe it because you’ve lost so much of yourself that you have learned to just go along with their narrative. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking. They are almost forcing you to leave because everything they do is so hard to keep forgiving.
I know this well. I just left myself because I couldn’t keep pretending we were ok. I pretended for years and now I’m facing the painful music that life can’t go on this way and I have to get out, even if I’m kicking and screaming on my way out the door.
Best of luck to you. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I know this well. I just left myself because I couldn’t keep pretending we were ok. I pretended for years and now I’m facing the painful music that life can’t go on this way and I have to get out, even if I’m kicking and screaming on my way out the door.
Best of luck to you. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry this is happening to your family, Holly
This is the worst feeling - realization of the depths of your denial and that it has been going on forever.
I left XAH because I never wanted to experience this feeling again.
You sound strong - take care of yourself and your daughter
This is the worst feeling - realization of the depths of your denial and that it has been going on forever.
I left XAH because I never wanted to experience this feeling again.
You sound strong - take care of yourself and your daughter
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I'm so sorry Holly. I can imagine how devastating that felt/feels. My initial thought after feeling sad is that he wrote the chapter for your date night and these past years - perhaps you can write the next chapter for you and your daughter. I know it's easy to say ((hugs))
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