Not sure whether to hold on or not
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Not sure whether to hold on or not
Hi,
I posted under another name a few years ago on this site (cannot remember by details). However my AH got himself sober in March 2016 and as far as i knew was sober until now. I suspected one slip up in 2017 (my gut told me, and it turned out to be right) and I found a hotel bill with minibar usage. Apart from that nothing. He came clean in December but then fell off the wagon again this month due to extreme work pressure and decided he must go back to AA which he has done and called his sponsor too. He is only on step 4 after 2 years.
I think I have PTSD because when all this came out I went into attack mode, I know I can never go through the roller coaster again but there are no guarantees, I do not want to split up my marriage, family (kids are in college) but the uncertainty is killing me. I do not want to wake up at 60 and think I should have left now when I am 50.
Things are much better than in the years prior to 2016, he has gone for counselling, etc and is a nicer person to be around, but realistically what are the chances of him staying on the straight and narrow? I know no-one can tell but how do I do what is best for me?
I used to fall apart, but find I have more resolve now, and take none of his BS, blameshifting, etc, I guess I am not as codependent anymore. Why cant i just cut the cord and move along?
I posted under another name a few years ago on this site (cannot remember by details). However my AH got himself sober in March 2016 and as far as i knew was sober until now. I suspected one slip up in 2017 (my gut told me, and it turned out to be right) and I found a hotel bill with minibar usage. Apart from that nothing. He came clean in December but then fell off the wagon again this month due to extreme work pressure and decided he must go back to AA which he has done and called his sponsor too. He is only on step 4 after 2 years.
I think I have PTSD because when all this came out I went into attack mode, I know I can never go through the roller coaster again but there are no guarantees, I do not want to split up my marriage, family (kids are in college) but the uncertainty is killing me. I do not want to wake up at 60 and think I should have left now when I am 50.
Things are much better than in the years prior to 2016, he has gone for counselling, etc and is a nicer person to be around, but realistically what are the chances of him staying on the straight and narrow? I know no-one can tell but how do I do what is best for me?
I used to fall apart, but find I have more resolve now, and take none of his BS, blameshifting, etc, I guess I am not as codependent anymore. Why cant i just cut the cord and move along?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
he relapsed due to alcoholism and not working his program, not work pressures. it's a problem that you think otherwise.
anybody can get to step four-- it's easy. step four is where it get's hard and that's where people who truly want sobriety keep going, and those who don't or can't be 100 percent honest with themselves get stuck.
what about you? what are you doing for you?
anybody can get to step four-- it's easy. step four is where it get's hard and that's where people who truly want sobriety keep going, and those who don't or can't be 100 percent honest with themselves get stuck.
what about you? what are you doing for you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
It is not an easy decision. The dating world before I met my husband really scared me. I remember being alone on holidays and just hoping that there was a guy who would love me. When I met my husband, I met a guy who could be loyal, we both had parents who had been married a long time, and we were best friends.
Just know your boundaries and know when you truly hit rock bottom yourself. For me, my husband's 2nd DUI was a rock bottom for me and was the main reason for filing for divorce for the second time. As well, I had to be in a better position where I was close to the end of my apartment lease so that I could secure alternate housing for myself.
It is five years later, and he has been sober for the last five years. Our divorce timed out because we could not negotiate a parenting plan (yeah we failed at divorce).
The only way I can describe cutting the cord is that if you love someone, let it go and if it is really meant to be that person will come back. Anything could have happened in the last five years. I was really worried he would get sober and move on to someone else (which would have blanked). But it worked out and we are still together. It is better having a sober husband. It is like I can just tell him that I love him and not hold back (I no longer have to have one foot in and one foot out like I could run at any moment).
Just know your boundaries and know when you truly hit rock bottom yourself. For me, my husband's 2nd DUI was a rock bottom for me and was the main reason for filing for divorce for the second time. As well, I had to be in a better position where I was close to the end of my apartment lease so that I could secure alternate housing for myself.
It is five years later, and he has been sober for the last five years. Our divorce timed out because we could not negotiate a parenting plan (yeah we failed at divorce).
The only way I can describe cutting the cord is that if you love someone, let it go and if it is really meant to be that person will come back. Anything could have happened in the last five years. I was really worried he would get sober and move on to someone else (which would have blanked). But it worked out and we are still together. It is better having a sober husband. It is like I can just tell him that I love him and not hold back (I no longer have to have one foot in and one foot out like I could run at any moment).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
he relapsed due to alcoholism and not working his program, not work pressures. it's a problem that you think otherwise.
anybody can get to step four-- it's easy. step four is where it get's hard and that's where people who truly want sobriety keep going, and those who don't or can't be 100 percent honest with themselves get stuck.
what about you? what are you doing for you?
anybody can get to step four-- it's easy. step four is where it get's hard and that's where people who truly want sobriety keep going, and those who don't or can't be 100 percent honest with themselves get stuck.
what about you? what are you doing for you?
I'm glad you wrote that, because I am not too sure where he ought to be in the program. He was never honest with himself, but he is slightly more honest that he was before, not much by way of progress I guess though.
I have done alot for myself, went back to uni to get a doctorate, got a good job, managed to get the kids out of the house to college and save money (my AH is the main earner but I take the money and put in a separate account to ensure he cannot get it, he knows and agrees with this) to ensure their education is secure. We have assets, I have access to all things financial and have a handle on that (which I think is essential). I keep my own salary separate from his income which goes into a joint account. I have been to Alanon, online Alanon, read read and read but became complacent when he was sober. I am more stable and feel stronger emotionally.
He has tried his manipulation and blame shifting but I cut it at its roots now, whereas before I would be a wreck, I don't let him away with that anymore and am prepared to follow through. He senses the change in me. He now says he is worried I will leave him so it is playing with his mind and emotions, more manipulation.
Previously I was totally dependent on him, financially and emotionally, not anymore, that is saying alot, so I am proud of myself for building myself up. I know I cannot trust him, no-one can trust an A, period. I wonder in a marriage if there is no trust , what is there?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by PrettyViolets
It is not an easy decision. The dating world before I met my husband really scared me. I remember being alone on holidays and just hoping that there was a guy who would love me. When I met my husband, I met a guy who could be loyal, we both had parents who had been married a long time, and we were best friends.
Just know your boundaries and know when you truly hit rock bottom yourself. For me, my husband's 2nd DUI was a rock bottom for me and was the main reason for filing for divorce for the second time. As well, I had to be in a better position where I was close to the end of my apartment lease so that I could secure alternate housing for myself.
It is five years later, and he has been sober for the last five years. Our divorce timed out because we could not negotiate a parenting plan (yeah we failed at divorce).
The only way I can describe cutting the cord is that if you love someone, let it go and if it is really meant to be that person will come back. Anything could have happened in the last five years. I was really worried he would get sober and move on to someone else (which would have blanked). But it worked out and we are still together. It is better having a sober husband. It is like I can just tell him that I love him and not hold back (I no longer have to have one foot in and one foot out like I could run at any moment).
Just know your boundaries and know when you truly hit rock bottom yourself. For me, my husband's 2nd DUI was a rock bottom for me and was the main reason for filing for divorce for the second time. As well, I had to be in a better position where I was close to the end of my apartment lease so that I could secure alternate housing for myself.
It is five years later, and he has been sober for the last five years. Our divorce timed out because we could not negotiate a parenting plan (yeah we failed at divorce).
The only way I can describe cutting the cord is that if you love someone, let it go and if it is really meant to be that person will come back. Anything could have happened in the last five years. I was really worried he would get sober and move on to someone else (which would have blanked). But it worked out and we are still together. It is better having a sober husband. It is like I can just tell him that I love him and not hold back (I no longer have to have one foot in and one foot out like I could run at any moment).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I wonder in a marriage if there is no trust , what is there?
The answer for me to that was nothing. I got so tired of it all and we divorced once our kids were in college. Am nearer 60 then 50 tho and wish I'd done it sooner but I don't regret it.
The answer for me to that was nothing. I got so tired of it all and we divorced once our kids were in college. Am nearer 60 then 50 tho and wish I'd done it sooner but I don't regret it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Givenup.....these are great years of your life...when you can have more enjoyment and freedom than ever....
I encourage you to keep your own welfare first priority, in your decision making....You cannot not ever assume that someone else is going to do so...and, especially not an alcoholic/addict.....
You can draw inspiration from the following articles, from our extensive library....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Here is o ne specific article that is a good yardstick by which to judge readiness for recovery
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
I encourage you to keep your own welfare first priority, in your decision making....You cannot not ever assume that someone else is going to do so...and, especially not an alcoholic/addict.....
You can draw inspiration from the following articles, from our extensive library....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Here is o ne specific article that is a good yardstick by which to judge readiness for recovery
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
I wonder in a marriage if there is no trust , what is there?
Ultimately, this is exactly why I ended my long term marriage to an alcoholic. I think I put up with a lot of BS but I could not put up with him BSing ME ! His dishonesty broke me...it broke us.
I was 40ish.... I knew I didn't want to spend the last half of my life with a spouse I couldn't trust. What happiness would there be in that?
It's a few years down the road later and I am a much happier, much healthier woman than I was during those last few years of my marriage to an alcoholic.
You deserve to be happy, no matter which path you chose. Wishing all the best for you.
*hug*
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I wonder in a marriage if there is no trust , what is there?
The answer for me to that was nothing. I got so tired of it all and we divorced once our kids were in college. Am nearer 60 then 50 tho and wish I'd done it sooner but I don't regret it.
The answer for me to that was nothing. I got so tired of it all and we divorced once our kids were in college. Am nearer 60 then 50 tho and wish I'd done it sooner but I don't regret it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
I wonder in a marriage if there is no trust , what is there?
It took me a long time to come to grips with this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
For me, I try to stay focused on today. If I look too far ahead my anxiety will peak.
I know what my boundaries are and will take action quicker the next time those boundaries get crossed.
For me I know I don't want a divorce but no one knows what the future holds. He doesn't know how to have a relationship. I'm not here to be his teacher or his program. He will need to learn and grow and so must I. I'm trying to either accept him or move on.
I know what my boundaries are and will take action quicker the next time those boundaries get crossed.
For me I know I don't want a divorce but no one knows what the future holds. He doesn't know how to have a relationship. I'm not here to be his teacher or his program. He will need to learn and grow and so must I. I'm trying to either accept him or move on.
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