I need help with the answer to this question.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Sorry to hear your pain
Not sure if I should respond because I'm one of "the bad guys" (although I'm a female alcoholic). Honestly, he sounds shallow and would probably be that way sober too. If you asked for closure the least he could do was honestly admit he can't control his drinking but is too afraid to do "whatever it takes." Alcohol numbs you from life...that's why I went to it and was the biggest mistake of my life, and I'll tell anyone that. But I know now that I participate and compound the pain with my addiction. So if you asked in a kind, non combative way, he should have just admiitted how he feels like he just can't give it up now. But I'd like to affirm your feelings from woman to woman...I need to read posts "from the other side" to remind myself why I won't give up this battle. I hate knowing I've hurt ones I love and want desperately to break this generational pattern.
Originally Posted by Ginalee 
Hi, I'm the angry soul that responds sometimes to a thread or two. But i have issues I'm not sure I'm handling well. See, closure seems to be essential for me to fully wrap my head around what has happened.
I know i did everything i could to keep my marriage intact and almost lost my mind in the process. You can't love them enough put up with enough hurt enough and according to the A in my life, it's still my fault cause he was " going through something ". Not my fault at all. I didn't let him go soon enough. Imo.
Why do i want to and is it normal to want to hear something sensible and real from them? Even if it is terrible? The reality is that as the injured party when the chaos is gone and i think back to who i thought he was, is it wrong to want to hear if he even knows what really happened? Do they even possess the ability to be truthful to themselves. I don't care if he says " Hey you're cool and we had some laughs but i would never give up booze for you or anyone." One sentence and you said a mouthful. I could easily accept it, after hearing that. That would be the proverbial "Aha" moment. Ok so it's not a brain tumor. Thank God.
But It's kind of adding insult to injury when they give some hollow meaningless platitudes in a email. That makes my skin crawl cause it sounds so insincere.
I know that trying to get honesty from an active alcoholic who's lying about drinking and hiding from you is akin to getting blood from a stone. Why do I still want blood from that stone? Crazy?
I've read the book c n m. I go to al anon. The book was no help. Al anon makes me want to cry. It was sad. I'll try a different one.
I'm not sad anymore about the breakup. My nerves were shot by the end of the madness and i have thanked him for my peace. I haven't called him since he's been gone. But i have emailed asking for honesty. It does matter. If i can get it. If not, I'll live. After the quacks I've heard, maybe I should leave well enough alone. Thanks for listening.
I know i did everything i could to keep my marriage intact and almost lost my mind in the process. You can't love them enough put up with enough hurt enough and according to the A in my life, it's still my fault cause he was " going through something ". Not my fault at all. I didn't let him go soon enough. Imo.
Why do i want to and is it normal to want to hear something sensible and real from them? Even if it is terrible? The reality is that as the injured party when the chaos is gone and i think back to who i thought he was, is it wrong to want to hear if he even knows what really happened? Do they even possess the ability to be truthful to themselves. I don't care if he says " Hey you're cool and we had some laughs but i would never give up booze for you or anyone." One sentence and you said a mouthful. I could easily accept it, after hearing that. That would be the proverbial "Aha" moment. Ok so it's not a brain tumor. Thank God.
But It's kind of adding insult to injury when they give some hollow meaningless platitudes in a email. That makes my skin crawl cause it sounds so insincere.
I know that trying to get honesty from an active alcoholic who's lying about drinking and hiding from you is akin to getting blood from a stone. Why do I still want blood from that stone? Crazy?
I've read the book c n m. I go to al anon. The book was no help. Al anon makes me want to cry. It was sad. I'll try a different one.
I'm not sad anymore about the breakup. My nerves were shot by the end of the madness and i have thanked him for my peace. I haven't called him since he's been gone. But i have emailed asking for honesty. It does matter. If i can get it. If not, I'll live. After the quacks I've heard, maybe I should leave well enough alone. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Sorry to hear your pain
Not sure if I should respond because I'm one of "the bad guys" (although I'm a female alcoholic). Honestly, he sounds shallow and would probably be that way sober too. If you asked for closure the least he could do was honestly admit he can't control his drinking but is too afraid to do "whatever it takes." Alcohol numbs you from life...that's why I went to it and was the biggest mistake of my life, and I'll tell anyone that. But I know now that I participate and compound the pain with my addiction. So if you asked in a kind, non combative way, he should have just admiitted how he feels like he just can't give it up now. But I'd like to affirm your feelings from woman to woman...I need to read posts "from the other side" to remind myself why I won't give up this battle. I hate knowing I've hurt ones I love and want desperately to break this generational pattern.
Originally Posted by Ginalee
Hi, I'm the angry soul that responds sometimes to a thread or two. But i have issues I'm not sure I'm handling well. See, closure seems to be essential for me to fully wrap my head around what has happened.
I know i did everything i could to keep my marriage intact and almost lost my mind in the process. You can't love them enough put up with enough hurt enough and according to the A in my life, it's still my fault cause he was " going through something ". Not my fault at all. I didn't let him go soon enough. Imo.
Why do i want to and is it normal to want to hear something sensible and real from them? Even if it is terrible? The reality is that as the injured party when the chaos is gone and i think back to who i thought he was, is it wrong to want to hear if he even knows what really happened? Do they even possess the ability to be truthful to themselves. I don't care if he says " Hey you're cool and we had some laughs but i would never give up booze for you or anyone." One sentence and you said a mouthful. I could easily accept it, after hearing that. That would be the proverbial "Aha" moment. Ok so it's not a brain tumor. Thank God.
But It's kind of adding insult to injury when they give some hollow meaningless platitudes in a email. That makes my skin crawl cause it sounds so insincere.
I know that trying to get honesty from an active alcoholic who's lying about drinking and hiding from you is akin to getting blood from a stone. Why do I still want blood from that stone? Crazy?
I've read the book c n m. I go to al anon. The book was no help. Al anon makes me want to cry. It was sad. I'll try a different one.
I'm not sad anymore about the breakup. My nerves were shot by the end of the madness and i have thanked him for my peace. I haven't called him since he's been gone. But i have emailed asking for honesty. It does matter. If i can get it. If not, I'll live. After the quacks I've heard, maybe I should leave well enough alone. Thanks for listening.
I know i did everything i could to keep my marriage intact and almost lost my mind in the process. You can't love them enough put up with enough hurt enough and according to the A in my life, it's still my fault cause he was " going through something ". Not my fault at all. I didn't let him go soon enough. Imo.
Why do i want to and is it normal to want to hear something sensible and real from them? Even if it is terrible? The reality is that as the injured party when the chaos is gone and i think back to who i thought he was, is it wrong to want to hear if he even knows what really happened? Do they even possess the ability to be truthful to themselves. I don't care if he says " Hey you're cool and we had some laughs but i would never give up booze for you or anyone." One sentence and you said a mouthful. I could easily accept it, after hearing that. That would be the proverbial "Aha" moment. Ok so it's not a brain tumor. Thank God.
But It's kind of adding insult to injury when they give some hollow meaningless platitudes in a email. That makes my skin crawl cause it sounds so insincere.
I know that trying to get honesty from an active alcoholic who's lying about drinking and hiding from you is akin to getting blood from a stone. Why do I still want blood from that stone? Crazy?
I've read the book c n m. I go to al anon. The book was no help. Al anon makes me want to cry. It was sad. I'll try a different one.
I'm not sad anymore about the breakup. My nerves were shot by the end of the madness and i have thanked him for my peace. I haven't called him since he's been gone. But i have emailed asking for honesty. It does matter. If i can get it. If not, I'll live. After the quacks I've heard, maybe I should leave well enough alone. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Forgiving people is really, really hard for me. The whole "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" might be the hardest 12 words I utter. I hate it when people don't own up to things. In the end, obsessing about it causes me far more angst than it's causing them.
Forgiving people is really, really hard for me. The whole "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" might be the hardest 12 words I utter. I hate it when people don't own up to things. In the end, obsessing about it causes me far more angst than it's causing them.
Or, "there are good days and then there are learning days!"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
My thoughts exactly.
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Don't hang your hat on his sudden epiphany. They have them a lot when they know they are facing consequences. Often they drift right back into the old ways as soon as they find the right excuse to. It could likely be your fault when it happens again.
He sidesteps the divorce questions but claims he'll sign the papers if i send them. Who knows what he'll do as his living arrangements improve? I have better things to do with my time and my money as i asked him to help pay for it and he avoided that question. It really is me doing everything alone and it sucks...
This is an awesome community. Thank you for helping me.
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