Bafg

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We've been together for only two years. We have a ten month old son.

My husband has lied about, been decieving, and hidden his alcohol. He can be very manipulative and victimize himself. He diverts any conversation I bring up about alcohol by victimizing himself and hyper focusing on a 30 second interaction we had where I may have interrupted him or been sarcastic. He has admitted he has a problem.

We have the opportunity to buy a house (that we have lived in almost 2 years) from my grandparents slightly below market value. It's an awesome opportunity because of the built in equity. He has not taken active steps to work on his drinking issue.

I love him and my family. This is my home. I would be an emotional mess if I had to leave this house. I'm having doubts in buying the house because my husband hasn't taken active steps to work on his drinking.

Maybe this decision should be clearer to me. He has gone a month and a half without drinking only to binge and start again. I don't want to lose my home. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want my son to grow up around this lifestyle. He says he can stop if he wants but it doesn't last long.

Buying a house is a big decision and this is a good opportunity. I don't want to be hasty and make the wrong decision. Any advice?

Mango blast

Buying the house may be a good opportunity.

Buying a house with an alcoholic who is in active addiction or early recovery is not.

Take things one day at a time. Things will become clearer as you look for your way through this.

You're asking good questions. Alcoholism is chronic, progressive and effects the whole family. "High functioning" is a phase. To stop drinking for periods of time is how the disease works to fool the alcoholic and us into thinking we can get through this without outside support.

Alanon is for family and friends who are concerned about someone's drinking.

http://al-anon.org/

Bafg

Thank you. I think I'm telling myself excuses for him. To make things look better than what they are. I brought my son home here. I got married here. I met my husband here. Leaving would be hard but I don't want to make a stupid decision.

Thanks for your input.

Ariesagain

Ask your grandparents if you can continue to live there for another year, paying rent possibly.

If you own this house with him, if the marriage ends you most likely have to buy him out or sell it and divide the proceeds. The courts won’t care about whose family owned it or any emotional attachment you may have...it’s just an asset.

Sending you strength and clarity.

CoParentToA

Is feasible to buy the home in your name only and not his? Perhaps your grandparents could "insist" it be handled this way?

Otherwise the risk is incredibly high that all that equity will be a huge problem if you were to divorce. I ended up buying my husband out of the portion of his equity for the home I put the whole down payment on and made every payment for. I almost lost it, and it was hugely emotionally upsetting.

Ladybird579

I'd caution against it. I had my own house I'd bought outright but after 20 years of marriage my exah got it in the divorce"settlement" which basically came down to a war of attrition and all the equity in it in danger of going on legal fees. I backed down cos my twin boys wanted to live with him but he couldn't care for them and it ended up me and my son's in rented 8 months later and him still with the marital home he then sold and drank all the equity out of it. It was a beautiful 7 bedroom semi detached house with a huge garden and it has gone forever. I am now in social housing with my sons and he has bought another house he is selling yet again to release more equity to drink. He will do this until he ends up in rented himself. He did not care it was our home, he did not care that our 8 children had to move out because of him. He didn't care I was attached to the house and loved being there.

It's early days for you. Alcoholics are functioning until they are not and my exah went downhill rapidly. You do not describe a happy relationship in your post at only 2 years in. I'd keep my options open if I were you.

CentralOhioDad

I would advise against it - even if you got it in your name only, in my state it would still be divvied up as joint property acquired during the marriage. If you plan to divorce (and in turn save your kids from growing up in an addicted household), then I would use the suggestion of AriesAgain and just rent it out - then if/when you divorce, then you can buy it in your name only.

We had to move to get DS in a better school district, and ended up building a new house. Now we will have to sell it because I filed for divorce last week.

I would never do ANY sort of financial transaction with an A - even though they might currently be not drinking - it doesn't mean their mind is right.

COD

Hawkeye13

Agree with others--sounds like he's not doing all the well functionally,
and tying yourself financially to him further is not in your best interest.

Ask you grandparents to wait if you can and let you rent.
If things go south, he can be evicted and then you can buy the house
after divorce.

If he gets well, great, but I'd wait a good amount of time--

hearthealth

I would speak to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement about the house. Renting a house from parents may cause some finacial issues of they would pass away .

CentralOhioDad

I like that idea and I don't. He might see that as a red flag of a pending divorce, and if he has some wits about him, will dig in his heels and insist on no post-nup because he knows he will come out on the short-end of the stick.

But maybe a convo with a lawyer is warranted anyway.

hearthealth

One can't control another person. A private consultation with a lawyer is necessary. A conversation starting from his in laws would be less of a red flag, maybe.

Ladybird579

I agree COD. I think the likelihood of him agreeing to a post nup is nil no matter who broaches it.

hopeful4

I would cut a deal w/grandparents for them to gift the equity to you and you only, specifically, and continue to rent. I know in the state I reside, if it is gifted to you specifically from a family member, such as willed to you, it's hands off for anyone else. Just a thought. I would talk to an attorney.

CentralOhioDad

Good point, didn't think of that!

AnvilheadII

be careful that you don't see this HOUSE as some type of leverage to get him to change. buying a house doesn't get anyone sober. having children doesn't get anyone sober. having an upset spouse doesn't do it i either. also make sure you are not diverting your attention from the BIG problem in your marriage - an active alcoholic husband.

i certainly would NOT recommend making such a large long term financial commitment with someone who is unstable and unreliable.

if your grandparents own the home, is there really an urgency to making a decision THIS WEEK?

hearthealth

That was what I was suggesting. But a husband would still have a share in it even if willed to a spouse. Husband would to sign off on his share in my state. IME. The best thing is not to get to attached to material items.

hopeful4

In this state even if you are married, if it is willed to you specifically, the husband would not have a share.

HardLessons

When I met my addict, her & her daughter were living in a scary run down home. After about 6 months I decided to buy a home for them to live in. I don't believe I disclosed this fact previously on SR when I posted my story.

My addict & I went & looked at houses. We picked out a beautiful home. It was in a great safe neighborhood. Close in proximity to her daughters school. House had everything: newer construction, garage, full furnished basement, beautiful tiled bathrooms, eat in kitchen, dining room, all new complete appliances, walk in closets, etc etc. We were both extremely emotionally attached to this house.

I bought the house & paid for all the monthly bills. This house was to be her start for a good stable quality life.

After about a year & a half, I had to force her to move out. There were drug arrests & illegal activities going on. Her addiction totally out weighed any notion of a safe stable good home for her & her daughter. It ended in a disaster.

Today the beautiful house sits empty. I had it all fixed back up after she moved out. I will sell it but haven't yet.

I thought the house would be a big factor in turning her life around. I was wrong - dead wrong.

Thanks

dandylion

HardLessons.....Wow.....just wow......

CentralOhioDad

We built a new house into which we moved in March 2017. I was hoping (falsely) that the new home would bring new hope and a better environment for AW - no luck there either. I feel for ya