Staying strong when you leave for the millionth time
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
How are you today Smarie?
I haven't spoken to him in a few days which sounds great and all, but I won't believe anything has changed until I implement my plan for when he comes back after his bender. That's when the real recovery starts for me and strength. Now it's easy, because he is gone to drink so even if I wanted to I couldn't communicate. The real test will be next week when he typically surfaces. For me NC is not a route I wish to take at the moment, though I know many will disagree. I did share three years with him and have caring and love despite my choice to leave (to leave for real and for good). We always have "the talk" when he surfaces, it just usually turns into me taking him back. My therapist recommends meeting him in a public place because there is too much seduction and temptation when I invite him over to talk. In a matter of moments we are back together like nothing happened. So for now, that is my plan.
I do find myself sad in moments. Usually my commute home on the bus with the cold and darkness out there. Or when I am cooking a meal just for myself. I haven't broken down or went crazy wondering if he is dead, which is the norm. I am actually handling this "disappearance" and split well. I've given it to God and asked to keep him safe, and I am operating with no intention that we will be together. Something I couldn't do before. I always kept that door crack open, but I am accepting that it is over. I am however, more sad for him than any of the relationship. Sad that he is so ill and cannot find his way out after so many years. I think that's the worst part of all of it. Just sad to see someone falling so far down and at least at the moment, incapable of relief. Whether we call it codie feelings or not, it will always hurt my heart to see anyone in my life struggle with mental health or addiction.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but I won't believe anything has changed until I implement my plan for when he comes back after his bender
that's not how it works, unless we are setting ourselves up to FAIL.
people with two weeks sober do not go sit in a BAR all day and see if they can NOT drink.
people who are truly trying to get over someone and CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIORS do not sit and WAIT for them to make contact so they TEST to see if they are strong enough.
if you truly are desirous of change, then you must...well CHANGE. or keep doing same ole same ole and try to sound good.
that's not how it works, unless we are setting ourselves up to FAIL.
people with two weeks sober do not go sit in a BAR all day and see if they can NOT drink.
people who are truly trying to get over someone and CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIORS do not sit and WAIT for them to make contact so they TEST to see if they are strong enough.
if you truly are desirous of change, then you must...well CHANGE. or keep doing same ole same ole and try to sound good.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
I hope your plan works Smarie. No-contact has been the only way that worked for many of us. I went no contact as I knew that I would take him back if I saw him. We all need to find our own way.
Let us know how it goes.
Let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smarie...I read what you p osted on another thread (to another member)....about how he read the stuff to you from your past relationship...and the pictures and all. The cruelty of what he put you through, just took my breath away.....He knew he was hurting you...and he meant to hurt you...to make you cower and to control you....for his own selfish pleasure and needs...
The words that screamed, in my mind was ...."Stockholm Syndrome"....
Smarie...can you please, please, work on trying to find some compassion for yourself....for the little girl inside...and, try to take better care of that girl.....
I know how much you love animals and how much compassion you have for them...I just know that if you saw a dog that was being repeatedly kicked in the ribs, like he did to you (symbolically) with that reading of the material off of your phone...you would rise up in anger and rage...and do everything you could do to protect that dog from it's tormentor.....
Try to do the same for yourself....
Do see him as your tormentor...because I think he is...and, you give him free permission by hooking up with him every time he calls on you.....
I agree..to see him only in a public place..if you insist on seeing him....and, never let him into your home, again.
This will free you from ever having to feel that kind of humiliation, again.....
How good would that feel?
The words that screamed, in my mind was ...."Stockholm Syndrome"....
Smarie...can you please, please, work on trying to find some compassion for yourself....for the little girl inside...and, try to take better care of that girl.....
I know how much you love animals and how much compassion you have for them...I just know that if you saw a dog that was being repeatedly kicked in the ribs, like he did to you (symbolically) with that reading of the material off of your phone...you would rise up in anger and rage...and do everything you could do to protect that dog from it's tormentor.....
Try to do the same for yourself....
Do see him as your tormentor...because I think he is...and, you give him free permission by hooking up with him every time he calls on you.....
I agree..to see him only in a public place..if you insist on seeing him....and, never let him into your home, again.
This will free you from ever having to feel that kind of humiliation, again.....
How good would that feel?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You know I have to agree that no contact works wonders, in fact, I don't know that I would have ever broken free without it. I can't imagine having kids with xabf, and having to stay in contact and get my life together, that would be the most difficult thing ever.
And wholly crap - tomorrow is 2 years no contact for me! I kinda love that the milestones come and go and I hardly notice Here you go - for an ounce of hope that life can be WILDLY different and beautiful if you can get passed that keeping the door cracked hurdle:
OK - 2 years on the other side of that mess is something, girlfriend!
My home is a peaceful, clean place where there has not been a raised voice, or an alcohol smelling bedroom. My worries are minimal, and RATIONAL, and my spirals and migraines and insomnia and anxiety are next to nothing.
My time, energy and money benefits me, and support only the things I feel are most important in life (quality time with friends and family - only the reciprocal ones!, things that give me happiness and beauty, and make amazing memories, and things that bring me peace.)
After i went NC, there were some distinct markers - 2 months out, I started feeling a little better (those first 2 months tho...not gonna lie....friggin miserable).
6 months out, I was feeling A LOT better - to the point friends would comment that I seem like myself again, that I am fun again, and I am not down or angry or withdrawing anymore. The very literal pain of missing him was mostly gone. About then, I started being able to focus on really pulling my life together a bit - developing healthier habits, finding hobbies I love alone, or with other great people that love them, and reinvesting in the healthy relationships I had let slide.
A year out, I rarely thought of xabf, and when I did, it was with compassion rather than sadness or anger. I would see him in traffic and think nothing, no spiral, no wondering, no nothing other than hoping he was doing well.
Annd, tomorrow....2 years out.....well, I still hope the best for him, I really do. My anger is gone (something I had an abundance of during the relationship.) He was my best friend for 12 years, dang i was sad and angry he couldn't pull it together! There were a couple things I missed about him, but I found new fishing and camping buddies, and my oil filter wrench works to open the sauerkraut jar
and I bought a step stool to reach the stuff on the top shelf. 
In all seriousness though....all that pain and awfulness only fades away if we are really willing to let it go....and it's the hardest damned thing ever....but it is so , SO worth it. Our lives are SO worth it! And I really believe it's the only chance we have of living our lives to our potential and fulfilling our own dreams. That bad stuff just keeps us stuck in a painfully similar cycle to an addicts.
Rotting for you here - I know you can do it!
And wholly crap - tomorrow is 2 years no contact for me! I kinda love that the milestones come and go and I hardly notice
Here you go - for an ounce of hope that life can be WILDLY different and beautiful if you can get passed that keeping the door cracked hurdle:OK - 2 years on the other side of that mess is something, girlfriend!
My home is a peaceful, clean place where there has not been a raised voice, or an alcohol smelling bedroom. My worries are minimal, and RATIONAL, and my spirals and migraines and insomnia and anxiety are next to nothing.
My time, energy and money benefits me, and support only the things I feel are most important in life (quality time with friends and family - only the reciprocal ones!, things that give me happiness and beauty, and make amazing memories, and things that bring me peace.)
After i went NC, there were some distinct markers - 2 months out, I started feeling a little better (those first 2 months tho...not gonna lie....friggin miserable).
6 months out, I was feeling A LOT better - to the point friends would comment that I seem like myself again, that I am fun again, and I am not down or angry or withdrawing anymore. The very literal pain of missing him was mostly gone. About then, I started being able to focus on really pulling my life together a bit - developing healthier habits, finding hobbies I love alone, or with other great people that love them, and reinvesting in the healthy relationships I had let slide.
A year out, I rarely thought of xabf, and when I did, it was with compassion rather than sadness or anger. I would see him in traffic and think nothing, no spiral, no wondering, no nothing other than hoping he was doing well.
Annd, tomorrow....2 years out.....well, I still hope the best for him, I really do. My anger is gone (something I had an abundance of during the relationship.) He was my best friend for 12 years, dang i was sad and angry he couldn't pull it together! There were a couple things I missed about him, but I found new fishing and camping buddies, and my oil filter wrench works to open the sauerkraut jar
and I bought a step stool to reach the stuff on the top shelf. In all seriousness though....all that pain and awfulness only fades away if we are really willing to let it go....and it's the hardest damned thing ever....but it is so , SO worth it. Our lives are SO worth it! And I really believe it's the only chance we have of living our lives to our potential and fulfilling our own dreams. That bad stuff just keeps us stuck in a painfully similar cycle to an addicts.
Rotting for you here - I know you can do it!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Your first post was September 26, 2016. It's now January 18, 2018. That's 479 days. When I broke up with the man who had humiliated me, the one who slept with multiple women including my friend, it was another 129 days until I met my husband, who I've been with for fifteen years.
Every day you are with him is an opportunity lost. You've turned away 479 chances to start a new life. Well, actually, considering that blocking him takes only a minute, and there are 1,400 minutes in a day, in reality you've turned down 689,760 chances to start the life that you actually want.
If you block him, you are GUARANTEED to start laying the groundwork for the new life you desire. If you meet him in public, the odds are, IMHO, not in your favor. Why not reach for the guarantee? What makes you think that you don't deserve the life that you actually want?
You have this narrative in your head that you are his lifeline, but honestly, he doesn't seem to treat you like one. Maybe you want to be SOMEBODY'S lifeline, which is the reason why you dangle yourself like a rope. Only he gets a thrill at cutting you off multiple times just to see if he can, just like he does with his son. He gets a thrill in doing that with all the people he supposedly loves, and he gets a kick at knowing that no matter how bad he treats them, they will always take him back.
Years later, if you're still with him, he can even say to his son, "See, Smarie still stays with me. Why can't you?" Perhaps he even does it now. He can say to his son "Well, if you reject me, at least I can come home to Smarie who knows how to love me." He can use your codependency to make his son feel guilty for wanting an actual father, instead of the holy hot mess of a sperm donor that he has right now.
Put an end to this madness.
Every day you are with him is an opportunity lost. You've turned away 479 chances to start a new life. Well, actually, considering that blocking him takes only a minute, and there are 1,400 minutes in a day, in reality you've turned down 689,760 chances to start the life that you actually want.
If you block him, you are GUARANTEED to start laying the groundwork for the new life you desire. If you meet him in public, the odds are, IMHO, not in your favor. Why not reach for the guarantee? What makes you think that you don't deserve the life that you actually want?
You have this narrative in your head that you are his lifeline, but honestly, he doesn't seem to treat you like one. Maybe you want to be SOMEBODY'S lifeline, which is the reason why you dangle yourself like a rope. Only he gets a thrill at cutting you off multiple times just to see if he can, just like he does with his son. He gets a thrill in doing that with all the people he supposedly loves, and he gets a kick at knowing that no matter how bad he treats them, they will always take him back.
Years later, if you're still with him, he can even say to his son, "See, Smarie still stays with me. Why can't you?" Perhaps he even does it now. He can say to his son "Well, if you reject me, at least I can come home to Smarie who knows how to love me." He can use your codependency to make his son feel guilty for wanting an actual father, instead of the holy hot mess of a sperm donor that he has right now.
Put an end to this madness.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
It is possible to love people from a distance.
Meeting up with him in public will eventually end up you two going out for meals, which will eventually end up with him back at your house, something you've sworn to your furniture you'd never let happen again ...and then did.
You don't need to see him with your own eyes, or touch is hand or listen to his manipulative bullsheet to prove you care. You've proven over and over and over to your own detriment AND HIS....Your caring, helps him stay sick. If you love him, why would you help him destroy himself?
Once you stop destroying your own life, through contact with this toxic, sick human being, you can start building yourself a much better life.
I still love my AXH (and father of my children) I wish the best for his life, but our relationship was toxic and it is better for everybody now that we are apart. I learned I could indeed love him from a safe distance, with no contact and get back to living a quality life, the way I want to live it, free from addicts and the chaos their addictions bring into lives of the people around them.
Good luck Smarie, I hope you find the peace and strength to do what is healthiest for the both of you.
Meeting up with him in public will eventually end up you two going out for meals, which will eventually end up with him back at your house, something you've sworn to your furniture you'd never let happen again ...and then did.
You don't need to see him with your own eyes, or touch is hand or listen to his manipulative bullsheet to prove you care. You've proven over and over and over to your own detriment AND HIS....Your caring, helps him stay sick. If you love him, why would you help him destroy himself?
Once you stop destroying your own life, through contact with this toxic, sick human being, you can start building yourself a much better life.
I still love my AXH (and father of my children) I wish the best for his life, but our relationship was toxic and it is better for everybody now that we are apart. I learned I could indeed love him from a safe distance, with no contact and get back to living a quality life, the way I want to live it, free from addicts and the chaos their addictions bring into lives of the people around them.
Good luck Smarie, I hope you find the peace and strength to do what is healthiest for the both of you.
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