PuzzledHeart

Apartment Therapy to the rescue! There's also Lonnymag and Remodelista (although the stuff there is often not at my price point.)

trailmix

Those thoughts will certainly surface and that's where flipping him off comes in lol

Perhaps try to turn them around a bit, instead of sympathy for his hard lot in life (I understand what you mean) how about a little more caring for you.

I have to say, having someone else give me some perspective (almost daily) was key for me. Being in a relationship like that can skew your perception of things. You may not always realize the level of - meanness or you are so used to it that it doesn't even register!

I actually had a moment where my view actually PHYSICALLY changed, it was the weirdest thing. I was talking to the person online and talking to someone else on the phone at the same time and they said can't you see - whatever, this person is - and it was actually like a veil was lifted (I know sounds all airy-fairy) and from that moment on I saw those words as threats and they generated fear not sympathy or anything kind. Huge turning point.

The other turning point was getting to see how this person treated other people. Family and "friends". He used every single one of them. I also realized he projected them. His interests weren't his at all, they belonged to this group of people.

Anyway, i'm happy to hear about your mini-apartment makeover!

Keep posting, hang in there, it gets better.

NYCDoglvr

Smarie ... I don't know you but I do know you deserve someone much better.

Smarie78

Loved your whole post, but this point really rang through to me. Just before this recent decision to leave he had shared with me a story about his son having problems at school. He had shared similar stories in the past but this one really got me. His boy is 5 and he hasn't seen him in 6 months or so. He told me that his mother, whom the boy lives with, said that the child started hitting himself and getting picked on at school for not having a daddy. Abf told me this after he was coming down from a drunken stupor and began to cry at how horrible he is for not being there. The very next day he was fine, making every effort imaginable to see me like nothing happened - all loved up. Talked about how he felt stressed out and down that his old job he was fired from already was looking for a replacement after they told him the door would always be open. He told me it must just be his ego at feeling rejected.
I wondered why this selfishness was so apparent and talked about yet zero discussion of what was going with his son. I couldn't sleep well that week, thinking about the boy. When I tried to bring it up I got rage and was scared to talk about it again. When I did it again after he was in a much better mood, he said "one day at a time". I knew that meant "shut up and mind your own business". His relationship with his son, as I have posted many times about, has always been an issue because deep down it never sat right with me, but I buried it because bringing it up would trigger rage and I was afraid to try. But I knew in my gut his absence from the boy's life felt wrong. I felt ashamed to embrace something I knew wasn't right. Was immoral even. But everything felt better to me than confrontation. Even if it went against my own principals.

I think detaching from a place of compassion helps when you can really look at the person and who they really are. How they really treated others. It's tough when your mind wants to only look at the glimpses you had of goodness and love, and dismiss everything else as the addiction and depression's fault, but these are great reminders of who they were at the core. And a reminder that you are okay for leaving. That it was the right thing to do.

Bekindalways

Hiya Smarie. You really have thought this through. Here's wishing you the courage and strength to hold to the No-contact.

What day are you on?

trailmix

Yes, the situation with his Son is appalling. He is presented with it and turns inward to look at his situation instead of making an appearance for his Son. It is sad.

Also, looking at the glimpses of "good", I get that.

That whole "rage" thing is his defense mechanism, of course and it's not acceptable. That is one of those things I was referring to above. It gets to be normal, it's NOT!

I do think it's nice of you to care so much about him and I understand your feeling guilty about abandoning him but he will be fine. He is used to having you to fall back on in a huge way, all in all, that's probably counter-productive for him. Regardless, he will stumble along and be ok, whether he continues to drink (which all signs point to) or not.

I'm glad you have been spending time with family, it does help to spend time with people who actually treat you nicely in some kind of normal way. Have you had any opportunities to get out an have some fun?

Ariesagain

What kind of person knows his child is being bullied over a thing he could instantly fix...instead DOES NOTHING...TELLS YOU ABOUT IT...AND THEN FEELS SORRY FOR HIMSELF???!!!!

I’ve read a lot on these boards, but that guy just won the 2018 all-time asshat award and it’s only January.

Good God.

involved

Just for today... you don’t have to let your mind run away with the what ifs... you just have to be strong today. Today is manageable. Deal with tomorrow when it gets here. I have to tell myself that I am not safe when I am being lied to and manipulated. On their side they say “poor me, poor me, poor me another drink”. If we wallow on the pitty pot or let our minds run away with that crazy recorded loop that we listen to, our resolve is weakened... and we are right back in the hornets nest, just as if they listen to their alcoholic voice they are back in the bottle! Don’t dwell on his crap! He is sick! Accept the things you can not change(him) and change the things you can (you) Get busy and stay mindful! Keep it in today... hugs

Smarie78

Yes. I feel a lot of guilt for allowing it and not standing up for what was right when in my heart I knew it was wrong. I think I just got scared of talking about it because it always triggered a verbal rage. The times I did were not only scary with the anger it brought him, but he would always tell me I had no idea and that he can only handle one thing at a time. Basically he was unable to start repairing that relationship because he was trying to stay sober. I pretended to understand just to keep him from blowing up, but I didn't. Maybe I would if he was immobile or drunk 100% of the time, but for the life of me I couldn't find a single reason why he couldn't be there the very next day for him during his dry periods.

But again, I went along with it...along with his reasons, finding myself feeling sorry for him when he would cry and talk about suicide because he hates himself - it's the quickest way to take any logic out the door because it shoots you into super-codie mode (ie. what can I do to prevent this threat). It forced me to feel sad for him and validate his excuses. Hate to admit, but it did.

Anyway, I am feeling very clear headed these days. I worry about him still, sure, but I am coming to accept more what is and not what I wish would be. I realized a majority of the relationship was me wishing so much of it was different - that he was different or would choose the things I would choose. Be a present dad, try a new program, see a therapist, but none of it ever came to fruition. I think it's a safe bet that if it hasn't changed in 3 years it probably wont. Or if it does, it will be away from you...maybe years down the road when you aren't in eachother's lives anymore.

Smarie78

Oh, just a measly Day 3. But staying strong, keeping busy, actually feeling good. When I had contacted him prior to because I wanted to make sure he was ok (yes, that impulse still comes)......it was a whole lot of "you don't love me" "you pity me" "you wanted me gone and looked for any reason"....so I ceased contact. It was a whole lot of victim playing and zero acknowledgement of his own behaviors (cheating, drinking, etc.). I realized I wasn't even dealing with a rational individual so what's the point in contact? He is off to the drinking races again and will disappear, but I am heartily committed to not being the fall back gal when he comes knocking after losing even more. Three new jobs in the last two months, all gone. Talk about self-sabotage.

Smarie78

.

Smarie78

Thank you! Yes he said while drunk "all you care about is your family" and I replied it's because my family treats me well. I am very close to them, but even with how great they are I find myself working on boundaries even with them. They mean well, but if you have loose boundaries or none at all, even well-meaning family will run with it.

And yes, definitely having fun. Something I always try and do with or without him! My best friend who is going through some very bad difficulties herself, but probably the most positive fun person I know, is visiting this weekend and staying with me so we have a ton of fun plans. Looking forward to it!

Bekindalways

Hey good on you for making it to day 3. Go for day four now

Do you have a plan for when he tries to contact you again?

Smarie78

Yes - I wrote down and reading every day all of the reasons why we cannot continue. I feel like it helps remind me when I am feeling weak. Because this always happens and I always take him back, trying to do it different this time to ensure a different outcome. So if he tries to contact me again I can refer to my list.

trailmix

Glad to hear your friend is visiting. You sound strong! Day 3 is not to be down-played, that's actually a really good achievement.

The list is great, I had one of those too and anytime I would find myself drifting off in to - what if - land, I read it and it did help. Just looking at the list of reasons to not do that!

Bekindalways

Smarie you do seem to have developed some hard won wisdom. I'm rooting for you. I do feel that by saving our own lives from the mess of someone else's addiction, we make the world a bit better.

hopeful4

Friend, it's been amazing to hear you become stronger and stronger. To watch you change your focus onto your healing and being well. I am so super proud of you!

Ariesagain

I reread this this morning and there’s something I really, really hope you will come to realize down to your soul...

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR.

Or his thoughts. Or his feelings. Or his actions or reactions.

He is a grown man. You are not his keeper.

Free your mind and the rest will follow (great song!)

Smarie78

great song indeed! I just meant that I felt guilty for spending time with him and trying to make him feel better and allowing myself to make it ok for him to be an absent father even when my gut said no. A healthy girl would have said...I refuse to be with a man who isn't there for his child! But I stood by him anyways when I could/should have laid down the boundary that I refuse to be complicit in the relationship if he won't try for his son. But I always made excuses for him and believed them (shamefully I still sometimes do)...that he really couldn't be a good father and be present because he didn't know how and he was sick, but that he did love him he just couldn't be there.

I tend to see the best in people, even those who do the worst things. I think it's a defense mechanism I use to try and understand the irrational. That if I can find a REASON....I have some control. I can say "THAT's why". Codependents really crave that control. Something about myself I never, ever realized before I started my recovery journey (I always pictured control freaks as people who need to drive the car or keep their place clean or are bossy).

I think that when we struggle to make sense of things, it causes an enormous anxiety. If we can put a meaning or a sense to it, the anxiety is relieved - we don't have to accept someone can be so horrible or rather behave so horribly, if we can attribute it to something (bad childhood, low self-esteem, mental incapability etc.). Unfortunately it chucks self-responsibility then out the window.

trailmix

That's the thing, right there. There are in fact reasons why people can't do things, mental illness is real. And no, i'm not trying to make excuses for him.

Do I think he is capable of seeing the solution in front of him (that he would just have to show up a few times to pick his child up from school to settle the matter) - maybe not.

Therein lies the problem. The thing is, if he took a moment and thought it through or actually listened to anyone other than himself, he would figure that out and might be able to actually accomplish that, but he is not thinking clearly.

He doesn't have to stop drinking to get help for that and while adults have choices his child does not and that's the tragedy (as you already know).

So yeah, that's exactly zero help, I just know what you mean.

I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it.