Feeling alone and just need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Feeling alone and just need support
Not sure if anyone will really remember me. I was a semi-regular poster back in 2013-2014.
My story is the typical, progressive DH alcoholic story. Things were ok, then steadily progressed down hill all the while gaining out-of-control speed and exploding in Feb 2013. It was a mess, I was traumatized and was at my rock-bottom. DH went to rehab but it was his 3rd time and I was done (so I thought). He spent 2-3 weeks there and they had an outpatient/aftercare program for a year after detox/rehab that he attended. After he got out of rehab I refused to let him come back. He pushed hard, but I was not ready. He moved to his mom’s house and we began to slowly try and rebuild our relationship. He moved back to the marital house about 3-4 months later and has remained sober ever since (notice I said sober and not in recovery).
His behavior, while not drinking, remained obsessive. As stated above, he committed to the aftercare program and did complete the year. He hated it. He would also do AA meeting during his lunch period but slowly those declined and then completely stopped.
After about a year the gambling became a real issue for me. He was spending money on lotto and lottery tickets – not sure if there was on-line gambling or not but I had finally had enough. I confronted him and told him that is must stop. About two months later he busted himself by dropping lotto tickets out of his pocket and I asked him to leave – but this time I was not blind sided and had my eyes fully opened. I completely split the finances and took ˝ the saving and moved it own account. I had been preparing for about 6 months (when I first confronted him). All household bills were under my name and I had been stashing (my) money outside the joint account as well. I had also been looking for alternative housing and getting all the maintenance on my car done (etc.). He left. He got pi$$ed. I got scared but held my ground that he had to get his life in order and get with the program. He again moved into his mom’s house (yes, she is the great enabler). We started going to therapy together (I had been going to my own therapist for about a year already). We had been going for about 3-4 months and then he “forgot” an appointment and got pissed that I went ahead and went without him – lol. I told him that if he wanted to continue to go it was up to him to setup the next appointment – he never did. Part of the conditions of his moving back home was he must pay off all his debts and that finances would remain separate. He would be responsible for his portion of household expenses and pay me monthly. He paid off all his debts and moved back home and soon was back to the gambling. I kept my mouth shut and let things just ride. He was paying what he owed, and I was finally able to start saving money again.
And then he won a large amount on a scratch off lottery ticket (Oct 2016). He HAD to confess because it would impact our tax returns and there was NO way he could hide it – lol. He had managed to rack up numerous debts on his credit cards again (less than a year) and he wanted to pay off those with the winnings as well as pay off the house (splitting what we owed – according to our arrangement). I agreed (I had the money for my half). He had a substantial amount left after paying off his debts and his ˝ of the house. Again, I left him alone – for Christ’s sake, he is a grown man, he should be able to manage his money (and life).
As of today – the money is all gone, he is broke and in debt (credit cards and owes his employer that he has borrowed from) and currently owes me almost $2500. I knew this was coming. I have been waiting for it. He finally came to me this weekend and “confessed” in tears. I simply told him that there were resources out there to help and he needed to find them and use them. I asked him how soon he could have the money to me because part of it is for taxes that are due by the end of this month (Jan 2018). I told him that none of it surprised me and I had long expected that this was coming. I did not yell, I was not condescending but more matter-of-fact in saying this. He did say that he had handled thing poorly and that his behavior was “alcoholic” in nature (he recognizes it).
I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do anymore. I am trying my hardest to stay on my side of the street (very difficult especially when there are finances involved). I refuse to help him with this – it is just a recipe for disaster. It has been very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut and stay out of his problems but have managed fairly well.
He will be sober 5 years on Feb 19, 2018 – which I commend him for. He is not white knuckling the drinking but obviously the behavior is still there – he just switched addictions.
Sorry this got so long, and I am not sure what anyone can say. I do not have anyone really to talk to about this. I have circumstances that do not allow me to see my therapist (quit about a year ago) and, other than work am mostly home bound (I have a cat that has diabetes and requires a lot of care).
My story is the typical, progressive DH alcoholic story. Things were ok, then steadily progressed down hill all the while gaining out-of-control speed and exploding in Feb 2013. It was a mess, I was traumatized and was at my rock-bottom. DH went to rehab but it was his 3rd time and I was done (so I thought). He spent 2-3 weeks there and they had an outpatient/aftercare program for a year after detox/rehab that he attended. After he got out of rehab I refused to let him come back. He pushed hard, but I was not ready. He moved to his mom’s house and we began to slowly try and rebuild our relationship. He moved back to the marital house about 3-4 months later and has remained sober ever since (notice I said sober and not in recovery).
His behavior, while not drinking, remained obsessive. As stated above, he committed to the aftercare program and did complete the year. He hated it. He would also do AA meeting during his lunch period but slowly those declined and then completely stopped.
After about a year the gambling became a real issue for me. He was spending money on lotto and lottery tickets – not sure if there was on-line gambling or not but I had finally had enough. I confronted him and told him that is must stop. About two months later he busted himself by dropping lotto tickets out of his pocket and I asked him to leave – but this time I was not blind sided and had my eyes fully opened. I completely split the finances and took ˝ the saving and moved it own account. I had been preparing for about 6 months (when I first confronted him). All household bills were under my name and I had been stashing (my) money outside the joint account as well. I had also been looking for alternative housing and getting all the maintenance on my car done (etc.). He left. He got pi$$ed. I got scared but held my ground that he had to get his life in order and get with the program. He again moved into his mom’s house (yes, she is the great enabler). We started going to therapy together (I had been going to my own therapist for about a year already). We had been going for about 3-4 months and then he “forgot” an appointment and got pissed that I went ahead and went without him – lol. I told him that if he wanted to continue to go it was up to him to setup the next appointment – he never did. Part of the conditions of his moving back home was he must pay off all his debts and that finances would remain separate. He would be responsible for his portion of household expenses and pay me monthly. He paid off all his debts and moved back home and soon was back to the gambling. I kept my mouth shut and let things just ride. He was paying what he owed, and I was finally able to start saving money again.
And then he won a large amount on a scratch off lottery ticket (Oct 2016). He HAD to confess because it would impact our tax returns and there was NO way he could hide it – lol. He had managed to rack up numerous debts on his credit cards again (less than a year) and he wanted to pay off those with the winnings as well as pay off the house (splitting what we owed – according to our arrangement). I agreed (I had the money for my half). He had a substantial amount left after paying off his debts and his ˝ of the house. Again, I left him alone – for Christ’s sake, he is a grown man, he should be able to manage his money (and life).
As of today – the money is all gone, he is broke and in debt (credit cards and owes his employer that he has borrowed from) and currently owes me almost $2500. I knew this was coming. I have been waiting for it. He finally came to me this weekend and “confessed” in tears. I simply told him that there were resources out there to help and he needed to find them and use them. I asked him how soon he could have the money to me because part of it is for taxes that are due by the end of this month (Jan 2018). I told him that none of it surprised me and I had long expected that this was coming. I did not yell, I was not condescending but more matter-of-fact in saying this. He did say that he had handled thing poorly and that his behavior was “alcoholic” in nature (he recognizes it).
I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do anymore. I am trying my hardest to stay on my side of the street (very difficult especially when there are finances involved). I refuse to help him with this – it is just a recipe for disaster. It has been very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut and stay out of his problems but have managed fairly well.
He will be sober 5 years on Feb 19, 2018 – which I commend him for. He is not white knuckling the drinking but obviously the behavior is still there – he just switched addictions.
Sorry this got so long, and I am not sure what anyone can say. I do not have anyone really to talk to about this. I have circumstances that do not allow me to see my therapist (quit about a year ago) and, other than work am mostly home bound (I have a cat that has diabetes and requires a lot of care).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Hey Lyssy,
I don't really have any advice for you, but I am here to listen. I know the feeling of being mislead, the monumental disappointments, and all that goes along with an addiction.
You're smart to keep your finances separate; do everything you can to keep them as separate as you possibly can. Protect yourself. Do some things for yourself (when you can). Perhaps you could have a neighbor or trusted friend look after your kitty one evening so you have some free time? (I'm a cat person, so I know how much those furry little creatures can comfort us during tough times and I know that they definitely count as family).
Sending lots and lots of hugs to you, and reminding you that you're not alone.
Best,
DocK
I don't really have any advice for you, but I am here to listen. I know the feeling of being mislead, the monumental disappointments, and all that goes along with an addiction.
You're smart to keep your finances separate; do everything you can to keep them as separate as you possibly can. Protect yourself. Do some things for yourself (when you can). Perhaps you could have a neighbor or trusted friend look after your kitty one evening so you have some free time? (I'm a cat person, so I know how much those furry little creatures can comfort us during tough times and I know that they definitely count as family).
Sending lots and lots of hugs to you, and reminding you that you're not alone.
Best,
DocK
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Lyssy, I do remember you, and I'm glad you've come back here for support. It sounds like you've really been through the mill in the past few years, and I hope you can regain some peace and stability soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I wish I had a magic answer for you Lyssy, but I don't. I think this is one of those one-day-at-a-time situations.... you can't obsess over what you can't control & it sounds like you've already taken care of whatever you CAN control. Do you have a long-term plan for you leaving now that the joint debts are paid down? 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. An alcoholic has to be willing to fight like the devil to change and simply showing up at a meeting from time to time doesn't do it. It's completely normal for an alcoholic with no recovery to "trade up addictions" and simply act out in other ways. I couldn't have moved on without the support of people in Alanon; I recommend it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Do you have a long-term plan for you leaving now that the joint debts are paid down?
When I asked him what his plans were to rectify the issue - his answer was "get you the money I owe you ASAP"
I responded - "that is a short term solution but does not address the real issue" and then dropped it. I am really, really trying to stay on my side of the street. I have been doing pretty good so far but just needed to "talk" it out with peeps that know
It is just frustrating to me and not being able to get out and do anything is wearing on me. I have tried to find someone to take care of Gizmo (my cat) but it is difficult as most sitters won't administer shots or do blood glucose tests.
Thank you for the responses and again, I know there isn't much of anything anyone can say or advise on this - just needed to get it off my chest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lyssy?
Are you still married to him?
Are you currently living with him?
Hon, your life with this man is a train wreck. You joined sr 5 years ago and he has gone from one addiction to the next. I am not sure what you are waiting for? Even if you aren't divorced I would do a legal separation so you aren't accountable for the debt of his gambling. Him crying on your shoulder is nothing but talk, no differnt then a drunk.
In my opinion you have given him way more changes then he deserves. Move on in life, he will never change and you will continue to live life in misery. Life is to short, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just don't get the attraction. Hugs!!
Are you still married to him?
Are you currently living with him?
Hon, your life with this man is a train wreck. You joined sr 5 years ago and he has gone from one addiction to the next. I am not sure what you are waiting for? Even if you aren't divorced I would do a legal separation so you aren't accountable for the debt of his gambling. Him crying on your shoulder is nothing but talk, no differnt then a drunk.
In my opinion you have given him way more changes then he deserves. Move on in life, he will never change and you will continue to live life in misery. Life is to short, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just don't get the attraction. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lyssy....reading your post---I am thinking..."What would I do if I were in Lyssy's shoes"......hmm....
I think I would find someone to rent a room to--and not charge them rent--or, very little money....in exchange for sitting with my cat, while I go out. Yes, the person would have to be screened very carefully.....but, it could buy you some freedom...
It wouldn't solve all of your problems, but, it would solve one big one....
I do think you were wrong, that "he is only hurting himself"---as he is hurting you, too!
I think that the suggestion to take action to separate his finances from yours is a good one....actually....isn't it a necessary one...?
I get it, that staying in the relationship is your current comfort zone....and, that is your decision....but, I think it is possible to make your comfort zone more comfortable (liveable).....?
I think I would find someone to rent a room to--and not charge them rent--or, very little money....in exchange for sitting with my cat, while I go out. Yes, the person would have to be screened very carefully.....but, it could buy you some freedom...
It wouldn't solve all of your problems, but, it would solve one big one....
I do think you were wrong, that "he is only hurting himself"---as he is hurting you, too!
I think that the suggestion to take action to separate his finances from yours is a good one....actually....isn't it a necessary one...?
I get it, that staying in the relationship is your current comfort zone....and, that is your decision....but, I think it is possible to make your comfort zone more comfortable (liveable).....?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by maia1234
Lyssy?
Are you still married to him?
Are you currently living with him?
Hon, your life with this man is a train wreck.
In my opinion you have given him way more changes then he deserves. Move on in life, he will never change and you will continue to live life in misery. Life is to short, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just don't get the attraction. Hugs!!
Are you still married to him?
Are you currently living with him?
Hon, your life with this man is a train wreck.
In my opinion you have given him way more changes then he deserves. Move on in life, he will never change and you will continue to live life in misery. Life is to short, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just don't get the attraction. Hugs!!
Yes. Currently living with him
Not sure about my life being a train wreck. Could it be better - sure, but most everyone's life could be. I have done a lot of work on myself over the past 5 years. I can and do let things go that I have no control over. One of those things was staying out of his business with regards to his spending and gambling. I knew what was going to happen. It was going to happen no matter what so when the "big-win" happened it just delayed the inevitable by a year. I struggled with the decision to take advantage of the "big-win" to pay off the house but decided that it was worth it to me and did not see it as encouraging his gambling (like it is said here - if they want to drink, they will).
When I was seeing my therapist she advised that I needed to take control of the money so he "wouldn't blow it" and I told her no, that was not our agreement when we split the finances. It was going to be 50-50 split on all things financial that related to the marriage and house. His money is his to do with what he wants, as is mine. I am stashing money away like crazy for retirement and leisure (planning a 2-3 week vacation in Alaska and a trip to Scotland).
I did not anticipate Gizmo's illnesses and am just doing my best to give him the best-rest of his life. He is 15 and has ckd, FD and pancreatitis. I am fortunate that I can afford to take care of him and could not (as well) if I had a house payment or rent.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Lyssy....reading your post---I am thinking..."What would I do if I were in Lyssy's shoes"......hmm....
I think I would find someone to rent a room to--and not charge them rent--or, very little money....in exchange for sitting with my cat, while I go out. Yes, the person would have to be screened very carefully.....but, it could buy you some freedom...
It wouldn't solve all of your problems, but, it would solve one big one....
I do think you were wrong, that "he is only hurting himself"---as he is hurting you, too!
I think that the suggestion to take action to separate his finances from yours is a good one....actually....isn't it a necessary one...?
I get it, that staying in the relationship is your current comfort zone....and, that is your decision....but, I think it is possible to make your comfort zone more comfortable (liveable).....?
I think I would find someone to rent a room to--and not charge them rent--or, very little money....in exchange for sitting with my cat, while I go out. Yes, the person would have to be screened very carefully.....but, it could buy you some freedom...
It wouldn't solve all of your problems, but, it would solve one big one....
I do think you were wrong, that "he is only hurting himself"---as he is hurting you, too!
I think that the suggestion to take action to separate his finances from yours is a good one....actually....isn't it a necessary one...?
I get it, that staying in the relationship is your current comfort zone....and, that is your decision....but, I think it is possible to make your comfort zone more comfortable (liveable).....?
His (Gizmo/cat) schedule is brutal – He gets insulin at 4:30a/4:30p. The shots must be 12 hours apart and by shooting that early in the morning it gives me 2 hours before I have to leave for work to make sure his blood glucose isn’t dropping too far and if it is I can intervene. This means I get up at appx 3:15a and usually go to bed between 8-9pm. Hubby can and does help somewhat and will test him in the evening if I have to go to bed (exhaustion). He also gets up Sunday AM to do the routine and lets me sleep in unless Gizmo gets dangerously low and then he will wake me up to take care of him. This routine is every.single.day-365 days a year. I have been doing it since Oct 2016. It makes it difficult to do much of anything because I am exhausted or running errands. But it is worth it for the head-bumps, purrs, lovins and waking up to him asleep beside me (or waking me up to make sure he gets his breakfast – lol).
As far as my comfort zone – yeah, I am sure that is some of it – but in Texas he is entitle to half of everything (pension, 401k, house). I have looked into divorce and even met with a lawyer and filed at one point (when I confronted him about the gambling – appx 1 year after rehab).
Hubby is so very co-dependent and it drives me absolutely crazy. He won’t do anything by himself or “without me”. He says he is scared of me – which I don’t understand. Yes, I blow up sometimes and get angry but that is life and marriage. I told him a year ago that we were going to have to start doing stuff separately so that someone was always home to take care of Gizmo but that it was a two way street and we would trade off. He went and did stuff with a friend of his a couple of times and then I went on a short day trip and he freaked and has never done another thing (I think he won’t because he doesn’t want me to be able to go do anything without him, if that makes sense).
There is a reason for all of this I am sure. God has his purposes and I am sure he is trying to teach me something that I haven’t learned yet. I know what he is trying to teach me with Gizmo’s diabetes (patience and letting go of control) and, by God, I am really trying to learn but it apparently he doesn’t think I am finished with these lessons.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lyssy,
I understand the stress you are under, it's just not fun. I was with my addict 34 years, he took me to get my drivers license when I was 15. I was very co-dependent. I was so sick and couldn't separate from him till I started attending 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, plus SR every night for 10 straight months. Also monthly therapist appointments. I did divorce him, 3 years ago and cried my eyes out in the Judge's chambers. But if I didn't have all that support I would have accepted this horrible treatment. I would never have felt that I was deserving of more. I was living in hxll but just tolerated it because that's all I knew and felt I deserved.
Divorce was the very best thing for me as I was physically/mentally exhausted. I knew my life would stay in hxll if I stayed with him. My life is amazing now. I own a little townhome, I have a great job with benefits, I have a great relationship with my kids. I can sleep, and my anxiety, high blood pressure and worry are gone. I still pray for my addict and miss "what should have been". But would NEVER let addiction back in my home again.
The only regret is that I waited the 34 years to make a change. Life is so short and putting up with an addict is a waste of time, even if I did love him. Us codies are no different then an addict, we need to hit rock bottom before we seek to change.
Keep posting, we are all here for you. Hugs!!
I understand the stress you are under, it's just not fun. I was with my addict 34 years, he took me to get my drivers license when I was 15. I was very co-dependent. I was so sick and couldn't separate from him till I started attending 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, plus SR every night for 10 straight months. Also monthly therapist appointments. I did divorce him, 3 years ago and cried my eyes out in the Judge's chambers. But if I didn't have all that support I would have accepted this horrible treatment. I would never have felt that I was deserving of more. I was living in hxll but just tolerated it because that's all I knew and felt I deserved.
Divorce was the very best thing for me as I was physically/mentally exhausted. I knew my life would stay in hxll if I stayed with him. My life is amazing now. I own a little townhome, I have a great job with benefits, I have a great relationship with my kids. I can sleep, and my anxiety, high blood pressure and worry are gone. I still pray for my addict and miss "what should have been". But would NEVER let addiction back in my home again.
The only regret is that I waited the 34 years to make a change. Life is so short and putting up with an addict is a waste of time, even if I did love him. Us codies are no different then an addict, we need to hit rock bottom before we seek to change.
Keep posting, we are all here for you. Hugs!!
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