DocK

Hi all,
I'm new here, but have to write something to clear my head. I'm struggling. My yesterday sucked.
Here's the backstory: Spouse is a very successful person, well-educated, respected by the community (so am I, for that matter). We have a 1.5 year old kiddo.
Last August, I had divorce papers prepped, but when I threatened stop drinking or I'll file, spouse said they'd stop drinking (I know, I know...). That lasted about 10 days. We were (and still are) in couples therapy, and I go to therapy on my own to try to deal with my own anxiety and depression. And I read, and talk, and write on forums, and meditate and am trying to do more things for myself that make me feel whole and that I enjoy.
Things have been ok-ish (read: barely tolerable for me) since then, but spouse still gets drunk in front of our kid just about every weekend. The daily drinking of 8-10 beers on weeknights and 20 beers on weekend days that was our life about 2 years ago has stopped, and spouse isn't getting drunk during the week anymore. Spouse has a breathalyzer in their car (yes, you CAN buy anything on the internet; it's not a state-mandated one). I made them put it in their vehicle after they drove home drunk from work meetings 3 times in a span of 2 months.
Anyway, yesterday we went to some jazz fest thing and I knew there was going to be beer there, and I just knew things were going to be trouble. Spouse wanted to pre-party and bring home beer ahead of the event, which started at 3, so I compromised and we went out for lunch at a sports bar/restaurant with our kiddo. Spouse had 3 pints in under an hour. We went home for an hour and a half, then went to the jazz event. Spouse's first concern was "Where's the beer line?" Other families were there too, with their kiddos, so I took ours and we walked around looking at some of the exhibits. Spouse has 2 pints of strong beer in 2 hours, then wants more. After an hour and a half, I'm exhausted from watching our child (the few minutes spouse watched the kiddo, the kid almost escaped and ran into the back of the soundstage area with all the electrical stuff - uh , hello danger! I had to swoop in and grab the kid). I'm pretty sure our kid shouldn't have to get injured for my fool of a spouse to get the idea that our kid should be watched more carefully.
Anyway, I'm exhausted, spouse has just finished third strong pint, and there's 30 minutes left of the event. I want to leave. Spouse says, but I want to have one more (it's always one more, btw), so I say, "Are you kidding me?" Spouse gets upset. I say, "Ok, fine. Make a choice that you think is the right one here." Spouse says, "Ok, I'm having another." This was the drink that put spouse over the edge. Spouse started loudly playing with our kiddo, was visibly drunk walking around, and when we FINALLY left and got into the car, spouse played the 'scream as loud as you can all the way home' with our kid, who doesn't know any better, and joined in. Then spouse started whipping a blanket back and forth in the car as I'm trying to drive, and when I politely asked them to stop, I got the "Oh, we can't play anymore because [insert my name here] isn't any fun."
Then, spouse said, I want pizza (when we'd already discussed dinner plans that did not involve pizza), and spouse says this to our child who starts repeating, "Pizza? Pizza?" And spouse says, "Yes, [insert our child's name here] don't you want pizza?"
Note: The REAL reason spouse wanted pizza was because they wanted to stop at the gas station for "already cooked pizza" --> read: TO GET MORE BEER FOR HOME. I say no to that and drive home, spouse acting obnoxious and calling me stupid all the way.
We get home, and I make dinner, and watch our child at the same time, because spouse cannot be trusted in current state to take care of anyone, let alone themself.
I put our kiddo down and slept in the room with the kiddo. This morning, no apology, no nothing. We have therapy tonight.
I would leave, I really would, except for our child. I make a very good living on my own, have zero debt outside of our house mortgage - finances are not an issue. BUT, I know that in our state, spouse will get partial custody of our child. And I don't mean visitation every other weekend either - I mean they'll get something close to 50/50 custody. So, I'm stuck here, because I can protect my kiddo better if I'm in this hell hole than if I leave, at least until our kid is old enough to articulate what their other parent is doing to the courts. Or until I gather enough evidence of what spouse is really like on frequent occasion. Or both.
I question that decision to stay just about every single day, but I really think that right now, it's best. I cannot trust the life of my child in the hands of a binge-drinker who cannot control themselves and would tear the breathalyzer out of their vehicle so they could drive drunk the second I wasn't in the picture. I know this is the dilemma faced by just about every parent who is married to an alcoholic/spouse with a drinking problem. It's so very very hard, and today, I just had to talk about it. Thanks to all for listening.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

Hang in there! Alcoholism is a very counter-intuitive disease. Connecting with others who've been through this is imperative for friends and family members. We can't force others into taking these steps -- a big part of the "counter-intuitive" -- yet as we make changes in our own thoughts and behaviors EVERYTHING else starts to change. Often it gets worse before it gets better... people around us can have a hard time dealing with us having new voices, new calm quietness, new inner strength. Having a strong support network helps greatly with this.

One day at a time... healing can and does happen.

BAW81

DocK - You might not be ready to leave yet but I would start documenting behavior, i.e. video, photos, journals, anything so that if/when you're ready, you will have good reason to request primary custody and put restrictions in place to protect your child when with your AH.

Your AH saying those things about you in front of your child is emotionally abusive.

Sasha1972

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Your chances of getting primary residence, especially with so young a child, might be better than you think.

I too was put in the position of the not-fun mommy, and it sucks royally.

DocK

Thanks for the replies. Yes - I’m documenting by every means possible.
I have spoken with a lawyer and I probably could get primary custody (physical), but joint legal. My spouse is the type who would turn our child against me, try to “buy” them, and generally make my life hell whenever a joint decision needed to be made. I guess I’m not ready to leave.
Our therapy appointment wasn’t last night - I got the schedule wrong. So we drive around and talked, after which I realized my spouse is also completely emotionally unavailable. Like getting them to say anything about any feeling deeper than “That’s a nice sunset,” is impossible. They will not share feelings period. (In therapy it’s a little better but still not much). I know their mom is a cold person and wanted spouse and brother to live with their dad after divorce when spouse was 5, but courts favored moms back then. So Mom got the kids even though she didn’t really want them. She was working and in school all the time so the kids were alone a lot. Spouse’s Mom is seemingly nice enough, but cold, and used to spank spouse with wooden spoons. Spouse also struggles with anxiety and depression. Sigh. It’s like everything you wouldn’t pick for your partner, spouse has, and I feel a little bad because they’re diseases. I mean, based on the history, I totally get why spouse is the way they are. Even with our kid it sometimes seems like they are going through motions of what they think a parent is, but not really connecting. I think it’s because they never really connected with their own parents. Every conversation spouse has with them is incredible superficial. Anyway, just my own revelations here.
But again what really keeps me from leaving is knowing how hellish they’d make my life and screw our kid over.

dandylion

Doc....while I totally understand your fears.....don't assume that everything that you fear will, necessarily, come to pass.
When I divorced m y children's father....(they were very small at the time)...he made noises about wanting to "take the kids". It turns out that it was all talk, just to scare me. And, I have know a lot of husbands who did the same thing....but, when they l earned how inconvenient it can be to have the kids, on their own....they tended to want less time with the kids, rather than more....
Was he a jerk to me?.....yes. He has always been a jerk....and, still is. But, I was able to keep strong boundaries---very strong boundaries...and detached from him as much as I humanly could, given that we had kids, together.
As far as decisions...it turns out that there were very few decisions that we needed to talk about...since I had primary physical custody and did all of the work of raising them, myself.

LOl...as a matter of fact, I can remember sitting in the lawyer's office, on my first visit and describing, to the lawyer, how I "knew" that he would try to make my life miserable--just out of spite. My lawyer just said---"Let me deal with that",.....He went on to say...."Just stay calm, and don't react to him...and never l et him see you sweat"......

ladyscribbler

He's already doing this to you in front of your child. I know that I lived in fear of my ex's anger for so long that it has taken me a lot of time to stop worrying about how he might react to this or that. He was also a binge drinker, and the behavior you're describing is very familiar to me.

My ex is/was a binge drinker. I absolutely dreaded paydays, holidays, and any other random time that he had money because it meant living with endless hell for days. I left the relationship and have gone on to build a peaceful, comfortable life with my children.

After an initial custody "fight to the death" he had one summer visit with our son and hasn't seen him since, we rarely hear from him. He did send DS a card at Christmas, and DS called and spoke to him for a few minutes, but ex couldn't be bothered to make the 30 minute trip to see him (we live about 12 hrs away and had traveled to stay w/ ex's parents, so he had every opportunity to visit).

None of his "anger" was about him loving our child so much that he couldn't bear to be parted from him; it was about punishing me for upsetting his cozy life of binge drinking without consequences. But living with him would have meant prolonged and progressively worse "punishment" while I ran myself ragged trying to clean up all his messes.

I didn't believe that I deserved anything better, but I knew what was happening to and in front of the children was wrong. One morning I found DS (2 or so at the time) building a pyramid with the empty beer cans his dad (who was passed out on the living room floor) had strewn all over the downstairs.

That moment tore out my heart, but I'm sad to say that I didn't leave right then. I hung on for two more years, clinging to my ex as he circled the drain, just barely surviving, going from one manufactured crisis to the next.

Try spending some of the energy you've focused on him doing nice things for yourself and your kid. I learned not to include my ex in my plans, and stopped chauffeuring him when he was drunk. His response to that was rage, he felt entitled to a caretaker and I wasn't doing what he wanted. The displays of "anger" weren't because of his drinking, they were about keeping me in line so that he could keep drinking.

ETA: Big yes to Dandy's post above. Once I truly let go and began to proactively minimize my engagement with him ("Have your attorney contact my attorney" was my go to if the conversation didn't concern co-parenting and he started trying to "negotiate" with me or rant or both) it was much easier to see that behavior for what it was.

CentralOhioDad

My DS is almost 8, and I doubt he could "articulate to the court" exactly what's going on with the A. Maybe in another 3-5 years, but by then you have another 10 years wrapped up in this mess, and you're older, and will be worn down considerably.

Take videos of the stumbling if you can, or the trash-talking/slurring, etc. Take pictures of spouse passed out with a drink in their hand. I think If I would have left AW when DS was younger, it would have been better on DS than it will be now. I regret that move a hundred times over. By now DS is very ingrained in his schedule and routine, and changing that will be a bigger uphill battle than when he was younger.

I don't think it's good for you or kiddo to continue to wait. Been there, done that. I told my atty. what AW said to me last week (and other instances when she called me an a-hole, pr*ck, etc.). Atty said I could put "Extreme Cruelty" into the complaint - because that is emotional abuse. It's not in the Complaint as filed, but it will be brought up.

DocK

Our nanny NestCams throughout the house are my new best friend. Presently evidence-gathering, and working on codependent self in the meantime.
Thanks for everyone's support. I have a plan in place for this "in between". One day at at time here.
DocK