Butterflyaway

You got out before things got worse. Making you doubt yourself and the emotional abuse is a way of controlling you and situations. I convinced myself that it was me being afraid of commitment and intimacy and married my alcoholic boyfriend. It just continued to escalate.

With space and time and talking with others impacted by his disease, I saw everything with clarity and our/ his story sounds much like yours.

We finally separated, he drank himself to death at 50 and I'm officially a widow. Consider yourself lucky to have limited the damage.

spookyboo22

I used to think about those same questions, now nearly a year later I don't care. X

Stella517

I can't wait until I'm at that stage when this will all be a memory and a lesson learned.

Stella517

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your late husband.

I'm really scared though that my ex boyfriend Will eventually hurt himself badly. He's had minor bruises, etc. He had also hurt himself bad once and I had to help him to the hospital. I want to be there for him because I care for him. It's like he has it under control and he doesn't. I just know that when he would drink a lot it made me uncomfortable.

I'm curious about your story since you said it sounds like mine. I'd like to chat more about it so I can gain insight. People do say it's good I got out now before I invested even more and it would become harder to leave.

BAW81

Stella - This confusion or what I like to call chaos is NOT healthy. It doesn't exist in healthy relationships. Be proud that A. your inner voice was smart enough to recognize something wasn't right and B. you listened.

So many of us, myself included, did not. We got sucked into the chaos, spent years trying to manage it, manage our significant others, and it is horrific.

You mentioned that you want/need to know if anything was real...well, the truth is that it was real to you. Whether or not it was real to him DOES NOT MATTER! What he experienced or did not experience, what he thinks or doesn't think, if he loved or didn't love, IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Please know I say all of this to you with compassion for your experience. I'm just trying to help you from what I've learned going through this already.

Healthy relationships don't cause you to second guess yourself. They don't cause you to "go insane" going over every single detail.

As I have learned from the very wise folks on this site, recovery for us is focusing on US not THEM. I encourage you to start taking a hard look at why you need to know how he feels? Why does it matter so much to you? He doesn't validate you. NO ONE validates you except for YOU. That said, I will tell you that by reading your post ( please read it yourself again), I will let you know that your experience with this person was unhealthy and I am extremely proud of you for making the right call to leave. I congratulate you for taking your life back before he could suck/waste/manipulate/exploit/emotionally abuse one more second.

He most likely will try to come back and he'll do it in a sneaky way...i.e. reaching out to you about nothing in hopes that your interest will get peaked and you'll start coming around again. It's gross. You have the luxury of going NO CONTACT.....please enjoy that luxury that many of us on this site do not.

Sending you strength!

Stella517

Thank you very much for that inspiration! I'm realizing more and more how unhealthy the relationship was. How it would've driven me mad if I never left.

Its funny you say that he will try and contact me - everyone told me he would and he has! He texted me before after days of not talking asking me why I didn't take one of the gifts he had given me, I replied that I didn't feel right taking it since we were breaking up. Then days after no contact again he texts me a simple "Good morning" like what we usually would do. He did small talk which I kindly replied. Then he pulled the "I miss you a lot" text. Mind raced thinking, "What is he talking about?? Do you mean this?" Then my mind went to the fact he was just lonely. Then I realized he must've missed having me around and the connection with someone else, someone who cared especially. I was nice to him because my heart still goes out to him. Then I admitted that I missed talking to him because that was something we did all the time. Then he calls me. We talked and I tried to catch up but I could tell he must've had a few to drink. Even the way he was talk to me he still put me down in a subtle way. Telling me things he thinks when I tell him that's not true. I tried to side step it to avoid a fight. I tried to be there for him but then the fact he hasn't changed broke me heart. That he may miss me but he still feels like he can treat me that way.

I wish he hasn't had a few drinks when he called me, that would've been better. He tried to put on the fact I have moved on too saying he saw me on some dating apps.

Done4today

Stella,

You need to cut off all contact with him and get yourself healthy. If he ever gets sober and healthy, then possibly you can think of having something with him. Even if he contacts you now during a sober moment he won't be any different. He's an alcoholic and all he cares about is himself. As hard as this will be to hear, you can't be there for him because you're a crutch for him and you're unhealthy to yourself when it comes to him. I pray you make the break and get help. And then read back on here in 6 months and see the craziness you're in.

OpheliaKatz

You could block his number or change your phone number.