Leaving an alcoholic but was I wrong?

Old 01-04-2018, 10:35 PM
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Leaving an alcoholic but was I wrong?

I dated a guy for 8 months. He was amazing, we clicked right away and I was very happy. Our first date was drinks. I admit I like going for drinks. The date went well and we both had a lot to drink. I didn't think anything of it. We kept dating and we would go for drinks but he would drink a lot. I just thought he was one of the guys that can hold his tolerance..
Months pass and we continue to date. He works overnight shift so he doesn't sleep at a normal time which didn't bother me. When I would stay the night I would go ahead to bed and he would stay up drinking. This was fine for a bit but then he started picking arguments with me when he'd come to bed drunk. He'd criticize me always. After a while I learned to not talk back when he tries to argue with me when he's drunk because no matter what I said he'd disregard it and not listen.
Then I noticed he would be drunk a lot of times during the week. He'd stay home, drink and then get drunk. I don't know if he was aware he'd get drunk but then he would be. I then noticed the bottles. They were a lot. He could finish almost 2 x 750ml and not including the beer and wine and any drinks when he'd go out. This concerned me but I thought he was just one of those guys and I thought he had things under control.
As our relationship went on it would get rocky. I've seen him absolutely drunk about 4x to the point he can hardly stand. He blacked out 3x that I know of. Whenever he'd drink it's the same thing, he'd start criticizing me, saying mean things, putting me down and be short tempered. I felt terrible but I would always remind myself of what a great guy he was. But the mean words kept coming.
After a while he noticed I wouldn't be happy when he was drunk and he'd ask me if I'm mad? I learned to say "no" because then he'd go into a spiral being upset that I said anything. One time I had enough and made it clear I was not happy with him being drunk. His reaction was to break up with me since I wasn't happy. And this was his solution, not even up give up the alcohol. He did apologize for his attitude and said he'll try to be better but I noticed no change.
I finally broke up with him when I couldn't take his mean words. He'd call me a "bitch" or bring me down about things he thinks I don't do. He also got so drunk he could barely walk, I had to carry him. When I told him that he needed to apologize for being dunk he got offensive. Saying he feels bad, that he feels bad enough and not for me to talk about it. He gets really sensitive when his drinking is involved.
I finally left him after a fight any I knew he was drunk. He started saying mean things. But now I don't know if it was the right idea. I started thinking that maybe I'm overreacting on his drinking? We had good times so he should be good. He'll change like he said he would.
I don't know if I made the right choice? Or if I'm right. I feel like he is an alcoholic but I don't know. But why do I feel guilty?? Should I have stocked it out? I'm unsure of my actions now.
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Old 01-05-2018, 01:02 AM
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I "dated" her for year and something. I say "dated" as now I'm not quite sure if having an adult mutual relationship is something an addict is even capable of.

We started with some party time and drinks, since I've never been afraid of having a fun time with alcohol and neither was she (DUH!). So that was something we had in common. Also she had some issues due to ongoing divorce, so I was there to lift her up, provide moral support, provide backrubs and everything. And yes, it was a great feeling being able to help someone, to "fix" someone. Probably as good feeling as drinking is for alcoholic. (DUH!)

After first few months of happy "honeymoon" period, the ugly things started to coming up. Arguments, criticizing, almost everything I did was not enough, lots of things were my fault, whenever I tried to bring up the drinking we had nasty arguments. We had some nasty fights, but always ended up back together. Talk about crazy cycles, eh? :-)

In the mornings we've talked about putting some control on the drinking, but this never lasted. Seen some better days, followed by bad weeks. Even 2 weeks outpatien rehab which ended as she got drunk one day after treatment.

So I did what I though would help: I started to control what she did, when we would drink, what, how much... After a year or so, I knew I was in deep ****. And I realized that I can't leave. I just did not saw that as an option. So I stayed for more lies, more hurt, more cheating, more depression, more tears, more desperation.

And you know what? In the end I was as addicted and crazy as she was. She was my fix, she was my drug.

I reached my rock bottom many times, but the one when I stopped digging myself a bigger hole was when I knew enough is enough. I could not bare anymore being constantly on alert, constantly stressed, unable to focus on anything but her drinking.

I got out. And now I'm in much better place. It is not easy, but it is worth it.

Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
I finally left him after a fight any I knew he was drunk. He started saying mean things. But now I don't know if it was the right idea. I started thinking that maybe I'm overreacting on his drinking? We had good times so he should be good. He'll change like he said he would.
I don't know if I made the right choice? Or if I'm right. I feel like he is an alcoholic but I don't know. But why do I feel guilty?? Should I have stocked it out? I'm unsure of my actions now.
I'd say trust your gut. I *KNEW* *ALL* *THE* *FREAKIN'* *TIME*, but I decided to burry that truth somewhere very very deep in my soul and it took a lot of courage and strenght to find it again. I just kept looking the other side, like a blind fool. ;-) I just was not capable of thinking that I might deserve better. That it's OK to want to be happy.

And boy, was I pretty confused and crazy when we FINALLY (after many many many merry goarounds) broke up. I felt like **** up, that everything was my fault, only if I held a bit longer, surely THIS time she would get better, surely she LOVES me more than ANYTHING! Am I not worth more than a bottle?!?!

Nobody can tell what would happen if I'd stayed. But I just could not bare even one more drunk incident, one more look into her phone to find out where and with whom she was, one more hidden bottle, one more watery eyes, slurring speech, one more evening of her passed out on the bed, one more moment of this insanity.

So I left and decided to be better than I was. And I really was not on my best behavior. AlAnon, therapy, introspection, and many other things helps me on this endeavor.

I'd say if you write things like

He could finish almost 2 x 750ml and not including the beer and wine and any drinks when he'd go out. (...) I had to carry him (...) He gets really sensitive when his drinking is involved.
YEAH! That sure sounds like an alcoholism.

I trust you will find your path too, whichever that might be. Just read the posts here, you are not alone and you are in right place now.

Thanks for listening I guess and have a nice weekend! ;-)
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Old 01-05-2018, 04:21 AM
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Stella....from what you describe, I think you did the right thing...if you care about your own welfare and future happiness at all!!

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope that you will take the time to read through them...there are dozens or them...lol...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)

The book...."Co-dependent No More" ....is highly recommended by many members, here....I highly recommend it , also....
It is an easy read and I think you will find a lot of it resonating with you...you can get it from amazon.com or the local library....
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:00 AM
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This sounds like my marriage before stopping drinking. The thing is this is his nature even when sober even though it is better it's hard to tolerate for a life time. My husband got upset about something yesterday that was due to the effects of drinking eight monthes ago. He blames me and totally forgets what brought me to the brink of divorce. It's no way to live a happy life.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:36 AM
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No need to feel guilty about wanting a real relationship with someone who doesn't get gassed out of their mind on a regular basis. The only thing that will ever get an alcoholic to change is to feel the consequences of their drinking. You did the right thing for BOTH of you by dumping him.
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Old 01-05-2018, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
When I would stay the night I would go ahead to bed and he would stay up drinking. This was fine for a bit but then he started picking arguments with me when he'd come to bed drunk. He'd criticize me always. After a while I learned to not talk back when he tries to argue with me when he's drunk because no matter what I said he'd disregard it and not listen.

Then I noticed he would be drunk a lot of times during the week. He'd stay home, drink and then get drunk. I don't know if he was aware he'd get drunk but then he would be. I then noticed the bottles. They were a lot. He could finish almost 2 x 750ml and not including the beer and wine and any drinks when he'd go out. This concerned me but I thought he was just one of those guys and I thought he had things under control.

As our relationship went on it would get rocky. I've seen him absolutely drunk about 4x to the point he can hardly stand. He blacked out 3x that I know of. Whenever he'd drink it's the same thing, he'd start criticizing me, saying mean things, putting me down and be short tempered. I felt terrible but I would always remind myself of what a great guy he was. But the mean words kept coming.

After a while he noticed I wouldn't be happy when he was drunk and he'd ask me if I'm mad? I learned to say "no" because then he'd go into a spiral being upset that I said anything. One time I had enough and made it clear I was not happy with him being drunk. His reaction was to break up with me since I wasn't happy. And this was his solution, not even up give up the alcohol. He did apologize for his attitude and said he'll try to be better but I noticed no change.

I finally broke up with him when I couldn't take his mean words. He'd call me a "bitch" or bring me down about things he thinks I don't do. He also got so drunk he could barely walk, I had to carry him. When I told him that he needed to apologize for being dunk he got offensive. Saying he feels bad, that he feels bad enough and not for me to talk about it. He gets really sensitive when his drinking is involved.
I finally left him after a fight any I knew he was drunk. He started saying mean things. .
Stella - Welcome. I am so sorry for what you've experienced but I am happy that you have found yourself to this site.

I quoted parts/most of your post in hopes that you will re-read what you've written and let your truth about how he acted and how he made you feel sink in. His actions are not OK and most importantly they did not make you feel OK, safe, or loved the way someone deserves.

I personally experienced everything you wrote about with my STBXAH. I chose to minimize the situations after they would happen because looking back, I was more afraid of being alone than being with someone that acted that way....I could KICK myself.

Trust your inner voice, the survival instinct that told you leave. THAT is your truth, helping you to make the right decision moving forward.

As you will soon learn on this site, alcoholism is a progressive disease, unless acknowledged by the alcoholic AND one who actively works a program, it does not get better and will get worse.

There are healthy people in the world, people who do not stay up all night drinking alone and then call you names. I PROMISE!

Please take care of yourself. You cannot "help" him or "love" him to be healthy or to treat you better. You can only control you and your actions. Listen to the voice that told you to leave and be very wary of the lonely voice who is trying to tell you "it wasn't that bad." Re-read your post.....read it again. Ask yourself, is this what I want for myself?? Is this what I deserve?

I don't even know you and I believe you deserve to be treated with respect, deserve to feel safe, deserve not to have to pretend you're ok when you're not, deserve not to have to go to bed alone while in a relationship with someone.

Sending you hugs and support. KEEP GOING and don't look back.
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Old 01-05-2018, 08:32 AM
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I guess you have to ask yourself about the FACTS that happened in this short-lived dating experience.

Did you enjoy spending time with someone who was constantly under the influences of alcohol?

Did you enjoy being in a relationship with someone who was not emotionally present in the relationship?

Did you enjoy being with someone who constantly picked arguments with you?

Did you enjoy having a rocky relationship?

Did you enjoy being on the receiving end of his mean uncaring and hurtful words?

Did you enjoy having to carry a grown drunk man who didn’t want to hear about his behavior?

Did you understand that his words of “changing” were just that, words with no intention of any acitons?

If all of the above are acceptable behaviors to you then maybe you made a mistake by ending receiving all of that.

Not trying to be mean just pointing out the facts as you provided them to us.

Despite knowing if he is an alcoholic or not, would his behavior be tolerable to you if you did know for sure?

Isn’t this what dating is all about, getting to know someone to see if they fit into our life and make us happy? And when we discover these big red flags, and that we are no longer happy, that is our signal to stop dating this person.

We can’t date someone’s “potential” with hopes they will change, we have to date the actual person for who and how they are today.

In my own opinion you did the right things by ending it. Now the next step is to go no contact and block him from contacting you.
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:02 AM
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You are a smart, intuitive and brave person. Trust yourself, because YOU ABSOLUTELY did the right thing...for both of you.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
This sounds like my marriage before stopping drinking. The thing is this is his nature even when sober even though it is better it's hard to tolerate for a life time. My husband got upset about something yesterday that was due to the effects of drinking eight monthes ago. He blames me and totally forgets what brought me to the brink of divorce. It's no way to live a happy life.
Stopping drinking isn't enough for truly recovering. I now know this after many years and many attempts at sobriety by my H. Google dry drunk and you will understand. Alcohol is only a small part of the addiction. Topping drinking isn't enough, they're basically the same person but now have zero coping mechanisms now that that alcohol is gone. It took a lot of time and a lot of intense therapy in rehab and meetings during and after rehab for my H to change and learn healthy coping skills. His reactivity has gone down immensely. It hasn't fixed our marriage so far due to the many years or hurt but I will admit he has really changed a lot for the better. But it took a LOT of work (about 7 weeks into rehab before he would finally starts to understand his ways...)
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:16 AM
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@stella517 like other have said, from what you've told us here you absolutely did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself even for a minute. And I also suggest reading codependent no more. It may help you avoid similar relationships in the future (because we do tend to fall for the same types of dysfunctional people unfortunately). I wish I would've read that many years ago.
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Old 01-05-2018, 01:57 PM
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Thank you everyone for your support and understanding. I guess right now it's hard to wrap my head around this and even realize this is happening. I still feel that I am fault - is that normal?

I keep thinking that maybe it was a mistake.. That maybe I overreacted and he doesn't have a drinking problem? That he is a good man and he was right and I just didn't do my part? Maybe everything he said about me was right?... I admit I am nowhere near perfect, that I have things to work on.

But I am doubting myself so much. I could be the fear of being alone or it could be that I got beaten down so much that I can't even get back up.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by BAW81 View Post
Stella - Welcome. I am so sorry for what you've experienced but I am happy that you have found yourself to this site.

I quoted parts/most of your post in hopes that you will re-read what you've written and let your truth about how he acted and how he made you feel sink in. His actions are not OK and most importantly they did not make you feel OK, safe, or loved the way someone deserves.

I personally experienced everything you wrote about with my STBXAH. I chose to minimize the situations after they would happen because looking back, I was more afraid of being alone than being with someone that acted that way....I could KICK myself.

Trust your inner voice, the survival instinct that told you leave. THAT is your truth, helping you to make the right decision moving forward.

As you will soon learn on this site, alcoholism is a progressive disease, unless acknowledged by the alcoholic AND one who actively works a program, it does not get better and will get worse.

There are healthy people in the world, people who do not stay up all night drinking alone and then call you names. I PROMISE!

Please take care of yourself. You cannot "help" him or "love" him to be healthy or to treat you better. You can only control you and your actions. Listen to the voice that told you to leave and be very wary of the lonely voice who is trying to tell you "it wasn't that bad." Re-read your post.....read it again. Ask yourself, is this what I want for myself?? Is this what I deserve?

I don't even know you and I believe you deserve to be treated with respect, deserve to feel safe, deserve not to have to pretend you're ok when you're not, deserve not to have to go to bed alone while in a relationship with someone.

Sending you hugs and support. KEEP GOING and don't look back.
This really hit home to me re-reading what I wrote. I can't help but think though that we did have happy times. I was happy with him. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I overreacted?.. it's hard too with heartbreak and missing him.. when does it stop?

That and I want to reach out to him just to see how he's doing.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:35 PM
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Hey Stella,

From what you describe his drinking isn't normal. Whether he is an alcoholic or not that's not the problem. How he treats you is the concern. You're not happy in the relationship, with his behavior and his drinking. You deserve to feel secure and happy in a relationship. As others said, don't look back with this guy. I would suggest looking into co-dependency issues though. Just so you don't date this type of guy again.

Good luck
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
Thank you everyone for your support and understanding. I guess right now it's hard to wrap my head around this and even realize this is happening. I still feel that I am fault - is that normal?

I keep thinking that maybe it was a mistake.. That maybe I overreacted and he doesn't have a drinking problem? That he is a good man and he was right and I just didn't do my part? Maybe everything he said about me was right?... I admit I am nowhere near perfect, that I have things to work on.

But I am doubting myself so much. I could be the fear of being alone or it could be that I got beaten down so much that I can't even get back up.
Stella, Every relationship will have good times especially in the beginning. It is very easy to concentrate on those good times and hope for them. Many times this is what keeps us in a more bad than good relationship far too long. Then it becomes an issue of I've invested all this time and then it's there are children.
He won't change because of your hopes and dreams. Not in a toxic relationship. He will offer breadcrumbs to keep you appeased.
There are reasons we decide to stay. It is ok to decide to look on to someone better in life.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
This really hit home to me re-reading what I wrote. I can't help but think though that we did have happy times. I was happy with him. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I overreacted?.. it's hard too with heartbreak and missing him.. when does it stop?

That and I want to reach out to him just to see how he's doing.
All break ups are hard and heartbreaking. I would say don't reach out to him because he knows how to manipulate you. Us alcoholics are good at it. When he reaches out to you, set clearly defined boundaries.

good luck
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Done4today View Post
All break ups are hard and heartbreaking. I would say don't reach out to him because he knows how to manipulate you. Us alcoholics are good at it. When he reaches out to you, set clearly defined boundaries.

good luck
I'd block him. That's a lot of booze and you're getting out of chaos at 8mo instead of 8yrs. I know it sucks, no matter the cause of the split. You'll be doing your future self a solid, if you never talk to him again. Think of his health and well being while watching the sunset, then get to the moving on part.
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Old 01-05-2018, 05:49 PM
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Thank you. I am trying to be strong and stand my ground. He has reached out to me already but not in a romantic way, he asked me about something I didn't take from him that he gave to me as a gift.I was confused especially he asked me not to contact him and after everything he said it seemed like he didn't care about me. Was that him manipulating me?

I don't like that I doubt myself now. That maybe I was wrong all along. ..Is everything he says when he was drunk the truth? What bothers me too is that if he really loved me how could he have said all those things?
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Old 01-05-2018, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
Thank you. I am trying to be strong and stand my ground. He has reached out to me already but not in a romantic way, he asked me about something I didn't take from him that he gave to me as a gift.I was confused especially he asked me not to contact him and after everything he said it seemed like he didn't care about me. Was that him manipulating me?

I don't like that I doubt myself now. That maybe I was wrong all along. ..Is everything he says when he was drunk the truth? What bothers me too is that if he really loved me how could he have said all those things?
Yea..'we' will say whatever to get 'in'. Literally insanity on both sides,but.. 'WE' have learned how to mold it! promise.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Yea..'we' will say whatever to get 'in'. Literally insanity on both sides,but.. 'WE' have learned how to mold it! promise.
I do feel like I'm going insane. Believing him one moment when he's all sweet then crying the next moment because he hurt my feelings. Replaying every argument. Trying to think if he loved me at all. I don't know anymore if he did or if he said it to make me stay.

This is all new to me. This whole experience. I'm finding it hard to decide whether I hate or love him.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Stella517 View Post
I do feel like I'm going insane. Believing him one moment when he's all sweet then crying the next moment because he hurt my feelings. Replaying every argument. Trying to think if he loved me at all. I don't know anymore if he did or if he said it to make me stay.

This is all new to me. This whole experience. I'm finding it hard to decide whether I hate or love him.
This was 'me' drinking and not caring.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zgYjlTrPrc seriously, I felt thhat way about myself at my lowest point. I did not care.
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