Well, that didn't last
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Well, that didn't last
I had heard nothing from alcoholic ex since before Christmas, and as a consequence had a remarkably quiet and actually enjoyable Christmas. Then he surfaced. He wanted to see Kid yesterday (he's on 30 minute supervised visits with SoberLink monitoring [tl;dr: drunk driving, cops, persistent relapses, bad judgment]). I said that was fine. An hour before the visit he texts to cancel: he's "tired" and his girlfriend has a bleeding ulcer. I'm not sure why he needed to overshare that, but okay. Reschedule for this morning.
This morning, I get a SoberLink report before the visit is supposed to start. And yes, he is drunk. Not enormously drunk, but well over .00. (Did I mention this is the morning? As in 9.00 am on a Sunday?). I get three more positive SoberLink reports before the BAC falls to zero. So the visit is cancelled. Kid is in her room crying. Fortunately we have plans to hang out with one of Kid's best friends for the rest of the day. I
'm waiting for the text/email barrage I know is coming from ex, in which he explains to me that the positive result was not his fault because it was cold outside/he accidentally drank paint stripper/he dropped his phone in his girlfriend's breakfast margarita/the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars; which will be followed by denunciations of me for being "punitive" and "controlling" by calling off visits.
And on we go. Still gobsmacked by his careless approach to parenting - how hard is it to not drink for just a couple of hours, once a week, if your access to your child depends on it?? (This is a purely rhetorical question).
This morning, I get a SoberLink report before the visit is supposed to start. And yes, he is drunk. Not enormously drunk, but well over .00. (Did I mention this is the morning? As in 9.00 am on a Sunday?). I get three more positive SoberLink reports before the BAC falls to zero. So the visit is cancelled. Kid is in her room crying. Fortunately we have plans to hang out with one of Kid's best friends for the rest of the day. I
'm waiting for the text/email barrage I know is coming from ex, in which he explains to me that the positive result was not his fault because it was cold outside/he accidentally drank paint stripper/he dropped his phone in his girlfriend's breakfast margarita/the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars; which will be followed by denunciations of me for being "punitive" and "controlling" by calling off visits.
And on we go. Still gobsmacked by his careless approach to parenting - how hard is it to not drink for just a couple of hours, once a week, if your access to your child depends on it?? (This is a purely rhetorical question).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I know this has been mentioned before and it really doesn't affect your stance (nor should it) but it takes many hours to metabolize alcohol, so he could have had a bunch of drinks yesterday and they haven't left his system yet.
Absolutely no excuse, I'm just saying.
Sorry your daughter is upset. What happens if she refuses to go see him? Does she have that option? If not, maybe you can get that option for her. I know it's hard enough being a hormonal pre-teen without having any control over this kind of thing.
When I was 12, my father did a few things that broke my bond/trust with him and I refused to see him again. It was really for the best, but then he died when I was 16...I'm sure alcohol related.
It's a mess. Prayers for little Miss Sasha.
Absolutely no excuse, I'm just saying.
Sorry your daughter is upset. What happens if she refuses to go see him? Does she have that option? If not, maybe you can get that option for her. I know it's hard enough being a hormonal pre-teen without having any control over this kind of thing.
When I was 12, my father did a few things that broke my bond/trust with him and I refused to see him again. It was really for the best, but then he died when I was 16...I'm sure alcohol related.
It's a mess. Prayers for little Miss Sasha.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
If he only realized how accommodating you are being.
I realize she is his child as well, but if it were me - when he cancelled that first visit that would be it for the week - no reschedule.
I wouldn't be doing that to punish him - I would be doing it to save my child the roller-coaster ride he seems more than willing to let her ride on.
Cancelling the first visit is appalling (based on his cancellation/reschedule history), I wouldn't be giving him the second chance in a week to hurt her more.
Terrible situation, sorry you are going through this.
I realize she is his child as well, but if it were me - when he cancelled that first visit that would be it for the week - no reschedule.
I wouldn't be doing that to punish him - I would be doing it to save my child the roller-coaster ride he seems more than willing to let her ride on.
Cancelling the first visit is appalling (based on his cancellation/reschedule history), I wouldn't be giving him the second chance in a week to hurt her more.
Terrible situation, sorry you are going through this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tough situation.... If it were me (and , I know it isn't...lol).....I think I would introduce the concept of "Plan B" to your daughter....
since the both of you are, apparently, planning to leave the house, in case he does blow zero.......I would help her to find an alternative activity to go to...as the back-up plan. something she really likes.....
This could plant t he seeds of how to cope with very disappointing situations...especially, where he is concerned.....
It could help you, too....
since the both of you are, apparently, planning to leave the house, in case he does blow zero.......I would help her to find an alternative activity to go to...as the back-up plan. something she really likes.....
This could plant t he seeds of how to cope with very disappointing situations...especially, where he is concerned.....
It could help you, too....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
at least you have a valid record of all these things. going forward, that has to be help.
i gotta hand it to you, you go WAYYYYY out of your way to allow your daughter to have some time with her dad. really pretty awesome that you are so willing to overlook his stupidity, asinine behavior, excuses. you are WILLING......sadly however, he is not. his motives are not pure. he only remembers the child as a way to GET to you.....yank your chain, mess with your head. lord knows why, he seems to have his own reality show going on with bedazzled yoga pants and hair bleaching, plus a g/f with enough baggage to start her own outlet at the mall.
no matter what you do, he's going to be him. no matter that you allowed him to cancel and then offered to reschedule, he's going to be him and FAIL at parenthood. meanwhile that poor kid......i can feel her sense of rejection, her sense of not being worthy enough for her other parent to manage a 30 minute visit.
perhaps it's time to get tougher.....with him. i think i suggested it before.....but one day a week, at a certain time....can't make it? too busy? too impaired? g/f had an eyeball fall out? TOO F'ING BAD. see ya next week. not to make a point with HIM.......that's useless....but to protect your precious evolving daughter that has to endure his antics.
OR i'd could come down and go kick him in the teeth??? i wouldn't mind.......or maybe just give you a big fat HUG. you are truly special.
i gotta hand it to you, you go WAYYYYY out of your way to allow your daughter to have some time with her dad. really pretty awesome that you are so willing to overlook his stupidity, asinine behavior, excuses. you are WILLING......sadly however, he is not. his motives are not pure. he only remembers the child as a way to GET to you.....yank your chain, mess with your head. lord knows why, he seems to have his own reality show going on with bedazzled yoga pants and hair bleaching, plus a g/f with enough baggage to start her own outlet at the mall.
no matter what you do, he's going to be him. no matter that you allowed him to cancel and then offered to reschedule, he's going to be him and FAIL at parenthood. meanwhile that poor kid......i can feel her sense of rejection, her sense of not being worthy enough for her other parent to manage a 30 minute visit.
perhaps it's time to get tougher.....with him. i think i suggested it before.....but one day a week, at a certain time....can't make it? too busy? too impaired? g/f had an eyeball fall out? TOO F'ING BAD. see ya next week. not to make a point with HIM.......that's useless....but to protect your precious evolving daughter that has to endure his antics.
OR i'd could come down and go kick him in the teeth??? i wouldn't mind.......or maybe just give you a big fat HUG. you are truly special.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everyone. Kid seems better (we went out to a boardgames cafe with one of her friends who fortunately has a mom that I'm friends with) and she seemed to really enjoy playing card games for a couple of hours. But yeah - I can't see how this kind of thing could not leave its mark, when your father tells you how important you are and how he's going to fight your mom just to see you, and then can't bother staying sober long enough to blow into his phone.
I'm not going to reschedule - fortunately Kid and I are off on Jan 2 to visit relatives out of town for a few days. My belief is that in the course of 24 hours, ex has twice failed to exercise his access to Kid as agreed, and it is not in Kid's interest to be repeatedly set up and let down when her father gets drunk or makes some transparent excuse (especially as this is not the first time he's failed SoberLink). I haven't heard anything from him, but if I do get another request to see Kid I will tell him to have his lawyer talk to my lawyer.
I have no idea what happened to ex - probably even drunker, possibly passed out and frozen to death (not actually exaggerating - it's -30 here and the train stations have been opened up for the homeless to shelter in). He also tends to act out at the end of the month - the point when bills that were 30 days overdue become 60 days overdue and so on.
I wish these waves of anger would slow down and go away - repeating all my AlAnon mantras about detachment and serenity, but so far, not much is working.
I'm not going to reschedule - fortunately Kid and I are off on Jan 2 to visit relatives out of town for a few days. My belief is that in the course of 24 hours, ex has twice failed to exercise his access to Kid as agreed, and it is not in Kid's interest to be repeatedly set up and let down when her father gets drunk or makes some transparent excuse (especially as this is not the first time he's failed SoberLink). I haven't heard anything from him, but if I do get another request to see Kid I will tell him to have his lawyer talk to my lawyer.
I have no idea what happened to ex - probably even drunker, possibly passed out and frozen to death (not actually exaggerating - it's -30 here and the train stations have been opened up for the homeless to shelter in). He also tends to act out at the end of the month - the point when bills that were 30 days overdue become 60 days overdue and so on.
I wish these waves of anger would slow down and go away - repeating all my AlAnon mantras about detachment and serenity, but so far, not much is working.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sasha that really is cold. I can't even imagine it.
I empathise with you about the waves of anger. OK you know it's not doing you or anyone good to feel this way, but how do you not? Detachment is a discipline it takes a while to learn, especially when you need to stay in contact.
Glad the cafe visit went well and you both had some rec time.
I empathise with you about the waves of anger. OK you know it's not doing you or anyone good to feel this way, but how do you not? Detachment is a discipline it takes a while to learn, especially when you need to stay in contact.
Glad the cafe visit went well and you both had some rec time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
